This is story number 21, and it comes from Polly of Pixie Mama who asks:

Q: “What is your one tip for starting to create your own tribe.”

A:As you know, Soultribes are kinda my thing. I build them on a regular basis. I have lots of tips on how get them started, but here is my number one piece of advice: Assume Impermanance.

Every since the era of self-help, having “a family of choice” has been part of our psycho-speak. We can have the family we are born into, and a family we choose to gather around us. This concept helps us stand in our own power, and create the life we need and long for. The challenge in this modern-day lingo is that “family” is such a loaded word. “Family is Forever.” “Blood is Thicker than Water.” These slogans feed the idea that whatever group you gather around you must go on ad infinitum.

This, my friends, is not likely to be so. People move. Lifestyles change. You — you, your very growing self — you evolve, and so do the people around you. Is it any wonder that the college group that played together is not the same tribe you need now?

Assume that whatever soultribe you are forming now, or next, will be impermanent. The composition will shift. What you do together will change. People will come and go. It might even end all together. And that is okay. Natural even. Your tribe is a living thing that is emerging organically from the life you have right now. So enjoy it, right now, in it’s current incarnation. And don’t worry so much about making it last until death do us part.

So here are my tips for creating a soultribe from a place of assumed impermanence.

Start with and End Date.When you invite people over to a book group, or Sunday brunch, or to cook together, or whatever, make it short term. One afternoon, 3 Tuesdays, the first weekend of the month for 3 months. This lets people commit lightly until you figure out if you are gelling enough to keep going — and it lets you back out if you decide hosting a tribe is not your thing.

Hold it Loosely. I know mission-statements are all the rage, but don’t write one for your group. Not yet. Don’t over-define what you will be about or what you will do together right away. Try this. Try that. See what feels best.

Don’t Bring a Moving Van to the First Date.When you start playing around with the idea of a soultribe, gather people in little clusters and see what you think. Have drinks. Make dinner together. Take a walk around the lake. While you spend time together, look for things you have in common. But don’t just look for similarities. That’s boring! Keep an eye open for  interests your potential tribe-mates have that aren’t your interests, but which intrigue you. If after a few dates things start to gel and you decided to do something together on a regular basis, keep in mind that RDT (relational definition talks) are part of the process. You’ll need to chat from time to time to figure out if what you are doing together is working. And remember, if you don’t like them you aren’t obligated to go out with them again — even if they did buy you dinner. :-)

What questions do you have about  forming a soultribe? What tribes have you been a part of which nurtured you? How did they form? We’d love to hear your ideas and stories, because there ain’t nowhere to go but together.

You might also like:

Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl – an online soultribe for spiritual misfits.
(Get on our wait-list here.)
Magpie Girl’s Guide:  SoulRetreats: how to host a tribe with art and soul
How to build a Dreamboard circle
Soultribe Interview: The Knittas
Soultribe Interview: Third Saturday
Soultribe Interview: Tribes for Deep Support

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30 Stories : 30Days – The Collection

Story 1:  What is the intersect between work and play and how can I find it? 
Story 2:  How has your spirituality shaped your sexuality?
Story 3: IRL and Online Friendships: same? different? balanced.
Story 4: How can I connect with my neighborhood?
Story 5: What do I do if my partner and I have different faiths?
Story 6: What are you doing to make a difference in this world?
7tory 7: What is your highest high and what can you learn from it?
Story 8: What role has massage played in your life?
Story 9: How can I make administrative tasks a creative/spiritual practice?
Story 10: What has it meant to you to have your birthday so near Halloween?
Story 11: How can I manage resistance around my art?
Story 12: I want to establish some kind of spiritual practice. Where do I start?
Story 13: What is your primary spiritual practice?
Story 14: Do you prefer living in Europe or in the U.S.? 
Stroy 15: How does nature affect your spirituality, and why do you say you have a soft spot for Pagans?
Story 16: As your spirituality expands, does God stay personal?
Story 17: How can I pursue my dreams, do the have-to’s, and not burn out?
Story 18 How can I create a spiritual community?
Story 19: What has it been like returning to the U.S. after living abroad?
Story 20: How can you create balance in your on-line life?

(To read the nararation about SoulRetreats instead, click here.)

Do you want to form a Soultribe of your very own? Are you longing to hole up with some like minded friends for nurture and comfort, but you aren’t sure where to start? SoulRetreats: how to host a tribe with art soul is just what you’ve been looking for — a practical-but-beautiful book to walk you through the steps of organizing your very own SoulRetreat. We’ll help you do it without financial burdens or hosting burn-out. And we’ll do it for just $20 — a small price to pay to be on your way to a tribe to call home.

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

Here’s what’s inside:
SoulRetreats is a soulful, instructive eBook written by Rachelle Mee-Chapman, with special guests Jennifer McGuiggan, Jolie Guillebeau and Rebecca Dallin. Within its 59 pages you’ll find poetic essays nestled alongside practical “YBH” (yes, but how?) instructions. In addition there are webpages where you can share your experiences with other readers; and links to the free online tools you’ll need to make your Soulretreat practical and easy. Because art and beauty are of high value at Magpie Girl, SoulRetreats has an attractive layout with photos and design elements by Neil Sittler of Stickflower Designs.

When you buy SoulRetreats, you’ll also received a link to our free book, SoulFood: how to cook for tribe. SoulFood includes delicious vegetarian and gluten-free recipes by Jolie Guillebeau, and ecumenical table blessings gathered by Jessica Schafer. It makes cooking with your soultribe easy and satistfying.

You have everything you need! Let’s get started.

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

Contents of SoulRetreats

• How Something Good Finally Got Born
• Preparing for Your Soultribe
• Unpacking: Letting Go of Past Tribes
• Invitations and Introductions
• How to Quash a Gremlin Uprising
• Not the Mom: Creating Co-Ownership in a Tribe
• Sample SoulRetreat Schedule
• Tabletop Spirituality
• Ten Tips for SoulRetreat SoulFood
• How Not to Lose Money
• Follow-Up: *8Things to Keep Your Soultribe Connected

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

The Magpie Girl Guides Promise
If you don’t find this book lovely and helpful, I will happily refund your money. Just email me within 30 days of purchase. No worries.

Love my work?
Spread the good word about this good work, and become an affiliate. (For this, I thank you.)

Need a Soultribe Right Now?
Come join us in our online soulspa, Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl. We’d be happy to welcome you home.

I wake up before as the sun is just rising over the horizon, tingeing the sky with light and calling the trees out of the darkness. The green fleece saddle blanket is warm around me and I rub my feet together in a subconscious ritual of awakening. I am a little stiff from my night on the couch (a side effect of insomnia, this wandering and sleeping in odd places.) Still, despite the stiffness, there’s not much that could make me happier than this weekend on our island retreat with my murmur of Soulsisters.

Ten of us have gathered here on the Sound, carving out for ourselves the Soultribe we could not find elsewhere. We range in age from our 40s’ to our teens. We are single-married-divorced. We are child free by choice or circumstance, and in the process of raising offspring. We are employed and freelance, looking and established. We live in 3 countries, 4 states, and one province. The one thing we have in common is that we all of us need a Tribe – not to define who we are, but to support who we are. Not a place of rules and membership guidelines, but just a place to be.  That’s what we are doing here on our island retreat, under our green blankets, at the dawning of day.

Already, with just one afternoon and evening behind us, I am fully convinced that this was worth it. The time and the money and the travel; the risk and the “jump!” and the Gremlins.  Something good is getting itself born. And we will help you get your something good born to. Whatever you do hold on to hope, your Soultribe is coming. Our’s arrival here is a harbinger of good things to come.

 May peace greet you this Sunday morning. Shalom.

Rachelle Mee-Chapman is an alt.minister dedicated to helping Soultribes get born.  To take some practical first-steps, or to read how-we-did-it interviews with fabulous Soultribe practitioners click here. To follow along as we stumble, experiment, and dance our way towards our Soulsisters Soultribe, follow our progress here.  Thank you for being here.

What is *8Things? Click here.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my tribe — both my family of birth, and my family of choice, the later of which is scattered over a virtual and real landscape. My heart swells with gratitude at the truly amazing souls who have floated, flitted, barged, and stumbled into my life. I truly would not be the person I am today without them. (And I like the person I am today. I really do!) So in honored of kindred spirits and kind souls, here are *8Things To Love About my Tribe:

1. They move between Weeds and Kierkegaard with equal aplomb.

2. They know good food and believe cocktails are important.

3. “Dangerously Compassionate” seems to be the tribe motto.

4. They don’t just tolerate my kids, they adore them.

5. They allow me to change, grow, morph and alter…

6. …and yet they remember all our old stories.

7. They get it that there really is a THERE there in cyberspace. (Hurrah for virtual community!)

8. Being with them is like a blood infusion crossed with an energy drink chaser.

What are your *8 Things to Love About Your Tribe?  Grab a button and play along. I can’t get Mr Linky to work this week, so put your permalink in the list below so we can link along and fall in love.

And a special SHOUT OUT to *8Things player Jenn from Freelance, Unconventional Nun who rang up my groceries at the food co-op last week, looked at me sideways and said, “Are you Magpie Girl?” Um? Make. My. Day.

The tea lights ring the room and ambient trip-hop spills from the speakers. There are seven of us around the table ranging in age from fifty to five. We’ve chatted a bit and filled our mugs. Now it’s time for cardstock and magazines, glues sticks and scissors. It’s the Full Moon. It’s time to Dreamboard.
A Dreamboard circle is one of the simplest Soultribes to form. It doesn’t require complicated leadership, and the supplies and techniques are very basic. You can form one easily with these simple steps…

Timing
Dreamboards are sometimes linked to the Full Moon. I find it’s hard for a group to strictly follow the full moon, since she falls on a different day of the week each month. So you might want to pick a set day (i.e. Third Thursdays) and make your boards together then, and just present them at home to the next full moon when she next arrives. It takes about 2 hours for a group to make and share their Dreamboards.
People
Invite a group of people to come and Dreamboard with you. Explain that Dreamboards are a simple collage to help us achieve our hopes and dreams by making them more tangible. Dreamboarding also helps us live more intentionally, and hold on to the important in the face of the urgent. (For more information on Dreamboards here’s an interview with a Dreamboard founder, Suzie Ridler.)

Reassure people that they don’t need to be artists to make a Dreamboard! It’s just collage – like in grade school! (It helps to include a simple example in your invite.) Don’t start with too big of a circle. I find 4-8 guests to be a good size, since you need plenty of room around the table for art supplies and elbows!

Who to invite? The lady in the carpool line with the bumper sticker you like. The person who’s always writing in their journal at the coffee shop while you write in yours. The teenage babysitter you chat about life with before you take her home. The woman who sit next to you in yoga. I bet if you think about it, you have plenty of candidates!

Supplies
Supplies can vary but this is my Short List:

• cardstock for the “board” part (plain or colored)
• magazines (design magazines like Dwell are great)
• scissors (a pair for everyone)
• glue sticks
• sharpies or other markers

And here is my Long List:

• origami paper
• stickers (especially gold stars and seals)
• wrapping paper
• alphabet stickers
• stencils
• Milagros
• rubber stamps (I like alphabet stamps)
• tiny envelopes

Inviting people to contribute to the supply bin helps form a common ownership amongst the group. Once people see what you can use, they will probably be eager to bring their “finds” from art supply stores, card shops, and their own craft cupboards.

Set Your Intention
I like to begin our circle by introducing the theme of the upcoming Full Moon. There are a lot of different names for each full moon, and you can find some of their meanings here. You can align yourself with seasonal energies by connecting your images on the Dreamboard to the themes held in that month’s moon. For instance Spring moons carry themes about softening soil and new beginnings, while Fall moons have harvest and abundance motifs connected to them. Of course, people can also make something unrelated to the moon that is timely for them.
Begin your dreaming time by helping people get centered. Something as simple as asking people to sit comfortable and take three deep breaths can still the room and settle your souls. Then invite people to start ripping pages out of magazines, snipping things out of colored paper, and pasting away.

Direct Newbies
Even though collage is very accessible, many people experience some anxiety when they first start making Dreamboards. Some things I’ve found helpful for new folks are to suggest that they work with a theme.

• Color Themes: What color represents what they are dream of this month? Orange sunny energy? Cool blue comfort? Suggest that they pull images from magazines that are in those colors. They can decide later which ones to use and how to use them.
• Image Themes: Another way to narrow things down is to work on an image theme. For instance, one friend works a lot with water images, and she’ll often start her board by just tearing water pictures from magazines.
• Word Themes: For people who are less pictorial and more verbal, working with a certain word or set of words can help. Clipping a word ransom-note style from a magazine like “LOVE” or “JOY” and be a good central image to work around.

It’s also helpful to put out a big manila envelope. Use this to stash the bit people ripped out and decided not to use. Knowing there’s a place to keep these extra bits really helps people get over their fear of “wasting” a good image.

Share a Little
When people’s boards seem to be filling up, ask if anyone would like to share what their board is about. It’s important that you introduce this as an optional part of the circle. (Although in my experience most people choose to participate in this.) Then wish each other “Sweet Dreams,” take your Dreamboards home, and let them manifest good things into your month!

One More Thing
Once you get to month two into your Dreamboard Circle, you can start the gathering off by asking if anyone wants to share their experience with their last Dreamboard.
It’s always interesting to hear where people put them and how they interact with the boards over the course of a month. Sometimes the boards really “sing” and other times they seem dormant. I’ve had immediate results with my boards, and other times it’s been six months before I’ve looked back on an old Dreamboard and realized “Ah ha! That’s what that meant!”

For instance, I made a Dreamboard I titled “I was meant for the stage.” I thought it was about my desire to play and sing in front of an audience. But now I realize that my stage is the web and my mic is for podcasting. (Although I am still taking the guitar lessons I started when I made the board, just in case!)
And don’t forget, if you blog or use a site like Flickr, you can share you Dreamboard with other dreamers by adding your link to Jamie’s list each month over at Starshyne Productions. It’s a lovely way to get and share inspiration with each other. Enjoy your Dreamboarding…and may your circle come to you soon

Soultribes is an on-going series helping creative souls build a place to call home. Demonstrate your commitment to forming your tribe by adding this badge to your website, and follow us on Twitter to read the next edition. “There ain’t no where to go but together!”

“I think my most important job is to make space for people to be who they are and tell their own stories…My role is to cultivate relationship, cultivate curiosity, [and] create a sense of sacred space.”     -Kelly Bean,  Soultribe Cultivator

How do I love Kelly Bean? Let me count the ways! First, she’s a redhead (big points.) Second he has the totally adorable name. (more brownie points.) But most importantly, Kelly Bean is as gentle as she is wise, with more patience than anyone I know, and has a habit of waiting and listening until the solution arrives. (Unlike some redheads we know. Hi. Me.)

There’s nothing like learning from a pro, and at 20-plus years of nurturing the same Soultribe (it’s a record!) Kelly can really give us insight into how to keep something going through the ups, downs and seasons of life.

This is a long, but excellent interview and features a unique shared-leadership model called Leadership by Triad which I’ve never heard of anyone else using. Plus there’s loads of stuff in here for those of you who are in the process of a church break-up, or who are Leaving Church. And don’t miss the bit where she lays out some of the common pitfalls Soultribes trip into, and how to avoid them. I recommend you print this out and pop it in your bag. You’ll want to underline and highlight this winsome goodness, I promise.

Kelly generously gave us her time to write up this interview, so she could encourage and guide you. In the spirit of our on-going Sacred Commerce experiment, please let me know if you’d like to send Kelly a thank-you gift from your Etsy or other shop. (My email is moi at magpie-girl dot com.)

And now without further ado my Soulsister, Kelly Bean, and the Soultribe at Third Saturdays.

Background: Could you tell us what kind of Soultribe you belong to: What do you call it? How often do you meet? How long have you been together as a group? 

My soultribe is called Third Saturday.We are a community of people following in the way of Jesus. Our gatherings vary in size from 15-30 -which includes 6 kids ranging in ages 1 to 13. We meet twice a month for sure and sometimes more frequently.

I began to host this group over 22 years ago. I remember my daughter (who is now 23 years old) was just beginning to crawl when we first started. I can still see her playing in the center of the circle of friends, although now she is a mother herself. Over time I have become the ‘official’ cultivator of this community (thanks Rachelle for the great title, “cultivator.”) I’d venture to say that most of the current participants have been attending for seven to ten years.
Group Content: What does your typical evening together look like?

Group Content: What does your typical evening together look like?

Our meetings have changed over the years. We originally met for a couple hours on Tuesday nights. After our kids began school we shifted to meeting on Friday nights so the children could continue to come along and be with their friends. We met on Friday nights from 7:00 to well past 11:00 for about 10 years. When both our daughters were in high school we found that giving up a weekend night every week made it hard to participate in their activities and to know their friends. We wanted to be able to attend the Friday night ball games at the school, provide transportation and be available to them. At that point, about six years ago, we shifted to our current rhythm.

Our primary rhythm now is around our meeting on the Third Saturday (or sometimes the second or fourth J) of the month. We meet in my home—with the exception of two periods in this 23 years, when we were building or remodeling homes- during these times other group members “hosted.” We share a meal and engage in the evening’s ritual, relational connection, discussion topic.

We also meet the first Friday of the month for Taize Prayerat a local university. After prayer and silent contemplation we trek to a nearby establishment called Chez Jose where we share Mexican food, margaritas and conversation.

Who decides what you will do together? Who facilitates?

There is room for all voices. I guide the group but the general direction we take is borne out of listening to the group. For a few years we tried an experiment of leadership by Triad. Every month three different people from within the group would set the course for the month. They would plan all that we did for the Third Saturday gathering, even down to the potluck theme.

Together the Triad would determine what they wanted the group to do or what they wanted to bring to the group. Sometimes they would choose a topic that they were all fascinated with and they would bring three perspectives. Sometimes one Triad member might be a talker and the others would be introverts. In this case it might be that one introvert would bring a mix of songs they felt illustrated the theme the talker was unpacking and the other might lead a group discussion or an interactive art project to explore of the topic. A Triad might explore a global issue or a feeling or go deep into a scripture or poem. The past two years it seems we’ve had a lot international travelers in our group and we’ve loved learning from them upon their return.

My role is to cultivate relationship, cultivate curiosity, create a sense of sacred space, guide and direct in a way that helps to bring out all the group has to offer. My incredible husband Ken makes a good pot of coffee and is always glad to get a drum circle going at the end of the evening. (Magpie Girl’s Note: In my house we call this being the “Pastor’s Husband. That’s fun to trot out at church conferences, let me tell ya’!)

People: What kind of people attend? How did you initially find and gather these folks? How do people find you now that you’ve been around for a while?

I think that Third Saturday is a microcosm of the possibility of pluralism lived out over time. Together as a community, our life has given us occasion to navigate theological conversions and diversions, some divorces, the collapse of our mother church, graduations and adoptions, addictions- our own or our loved ones, economic boom and financial collapse. marriages, births and deaths (not always staged in that order). 

When we started out we were a rather monolithic group of slightly charismatic Evangelicals in our early years of marriage and of raising young children. We all attended the same church and held fairly similar beliefs. Now 20 some years later, although life has taken us on various courses, we faithfully gather to share, worship, study, serve and create together. But now we are now a motley mixture of people with affiliation to United Church of Christ, Episcopalian, Greek Orthodox, Albanian Orthodox, Baptist, Christian Missionary Alliance and Presbyterian congregations.

Some of us have detached from the “institutional” church completely, others have rediscovered faith in artist communities, others embrace doubt. Some are Republicans and others Democrats, some are prochoice and others are prolife. Some hold to Creationism and others are Darwinists. Some doubt the credibility of global warming and others are environmental activists. Some are Universalists and others are staunch Calvinists. Some are black and some are white. Some are grandparents and others are single college students. Some are artists, some are computer programmers, others are health care workers and still others are engineers. Some are homemakers, others are writers, a handyman, salespeople and entrepreneurs, a bike mechanic, an analyst, and masseuse are all in the mix. We all struggle at times and we all have victories. We are a small enough community that there is no anonymity. We are who we are.

Although all these things are true, we don’t generally think of each other in these categorical ways. We are bound together by shared history, by a heart for the poor, by care and respect that transcends “belief”, by many shared meals , by laughter and tears, by the stories we have trusted each other with, by the burdens we have borne together and by the strong thread of Jesus in our lives and in our midst.

As we have grown and changed over the years I recognize we have continually cultivated relational space which makes it possible to share an encounter of commitments. We retain our unique identities and hold our deepest differences even as we participate in dynamic, creative, life-rearranging relationships together.

Coming Together: How long did it take your group to gel? What was that process like?

How did we come together? Well, we mostly met in the same church at various points along the way. A few have come by word of mouth. At this point we are not “officially” an open community; we are not attempting to grow in size or to promote ourselves to that end. If someone has a friend who wants to come along we welcome them. Our more recent regular participants (including our awesome violinist) came to us in this way. 

This answer feels glib but, it seems like it has always worked. And for the handful who have left here and there over the years there has been a sense of a peaceful shift to something new for them. Maybe part of that is due to being flexible and willing to let things go rather than structure them too much. At the same time I do try to keep a plan up my sleeve so if things drag we can shift gears. I trust the spirit in the group and in the process. So something can be a flop and still be just fine. There is always another week!

I think my most important job is to make space for people to be who they are and tell their own stories, to do what I can to ensure that the environment is emotionally safe and supportive, to help people connect with each other and find a way they can belong and to create a relaxed welcoming atmosphere. If people feel safe, accepted, relaxed, connected and welcomed that goes a long way.

If you got to a sticky point where you weren’t sure it was working out, how did you know to press on? When did you know you had “clicked” together?

 I can think of a several sticky points that have been the downfall of many a community but we have weathered. Here are some of those-

Breakup
We were for many, many years, a community that existed within a church. That church; our “mother church”, went through a rough time and eventually disbanded. My husband and I left the church before it disbanded. At that point the community was comprised of people who left in a great deal of pain (like us) people who still thought it could work out and were loyal to the leaders who remained, and people who didn’t identify with any church. It was a tender time and everyone had deep feelings. We resolved to make space for each other to be wherever we needed to be and to trust each other in that. We participated in silent shared rituals for grief together (sitting Shiva together, floating prayer candles, writing our feelings as prayers) to acknowledge that everything was not well and that we could all grieve even if we were grieving completely opposite things.

I was very proud of how the community navigated that time. When the church did eventually shut down there was room for everyone to remain- and everyone chose to.

 Big Change
When we shifted to meeting twice a month (and only once a month in our home) this was a rough spot. Some people felt they would lose their community, others felt like we shouldn’t make such a change. Although some were fine with the decision it did raise strong doubt and dissension with others. In hind sight there may have been a better way to lead the group into the change, but it had become increasingly clear to us that we were sacrificing the best interest of our family and must make a change. After the announcement I met with concerned group members one on one and listened to their concerns and feelings. I acknowledged that I had moved swiftly without preparing the group for such a big change. Good listening and owning your own stuff goes a long way. Gradual and strategic introduction of the idea would have been a good idea too. But, by the time we reached the point that change was needed, it was past time to make the move. I did learn some things about leading people along gradually.

 Myopic 
A few years back I got to feeling that as a group, we had become much too self focused and ingrown. I led us through a process of group discernment to determine together as a community what our strengths were, what brought us together and kept us together, what we imagined and wanted for the future (and what we didn’t want) and where we could learn and grow.

This process led to a focus on global issues and local community engagement. The focus led us to do collaborative art projects to raise money for communities in Africa. It led us to serve each other in more practical ways and to think beyond the needs of the group. I was impressed by the initiative that the community took to make this shift.

Take-Away: Why do you think people come to your group? What does being together do for you? What are the benefits of belonging to this kind of Soultribe?

Some of the many benefits are shared meals (we love good food and beverage!), encouragement for the journey of life and faith, shared history, care for each other, practical support for day to day life and through hard times, authentic relationships, new ideas and study, a sense of belonging, shared ritual, a desire to grow as a person, a desire to be known, fun, a community that welcomes kids.

The Real and the Ideal: What did you think your group would be like? How did it actually turn out? What’s that like for you?

 Since Third Saturday has simply become what it is over the years and we all have changed in many ways along the way it feels tough to answer that question.

I sometimes look at Soultribes that are just launching. These generally come together around fairly clear mutually held theologies, beliefs and philosophical or political values- these are common and not bad reasons for  people to form groups. I look at these and at times I think “Ah that looks less stressful…no debates about global warming vs global warming hoaxes that make me cringe, no strongly held difference about abortion rights to navigate, no stress when your favorite political candidate comes up in conversation.”

But then I look at the way that we respect and learn from each other, the way we can share life and still make space for the “other” right in our midst, I remember the love that holds us, and I am reminded that in a world split by difference, this is a hopeful story.

When we started out we were a Bible study and prayer group, and that was okay for that time. Over time we have been a spiritual formation group, an emotional support group, a topical study group. In more recent years we are a group of people intent on always learning and growing, urging one another on to love and to good deeds, caring for the world and our local communities together and caring for each other through thick and thin. And that is more than enough.

Advice Girl: What would you have done differently in the early days of your Soultribe?

I have loved all stages of the evolution of Third Saturday. When I look back the one thing I would like to have done differently is to have relaxed about cleaning my house. Getting ready for a large group of people to gather in your home every week can be stressful if you aren’t particularly a good housekeeper (but wish you were!). When my kids were growing up I could be crabby and uptight the day we were getting the house ready. Thank goodness the kids loved the gatherings as much as the adults did or they would have resented that high pressure preparation more than they do. Still, it would have been fine to have my house look a little more lived in when people arrived and would have been more fun to prepare without pushing so hard at the last minute to pull it all together. Frankly this is good advice to all parents of young children when it comes to house cleaning- whether a Soultribe is coming over or not. Relax and enjoy! A little mess (or even a big one) never really hurt anyone. And in hindsight, being bitchy to get a house clean isn’t worth it.

What  other tidbits would you like to add to our giant pool of wisdom?

• Laughter is good.
• Listening is essential.
• Let the seasons of your life inform your direction. Listen to your life. My own spiritual journey and the unique needs of our family have shaped the direction for the community over the years. As I look back and see this come clear I am grateful.

Kelly Bean and a slew of her wonder women are up next at Christianity21, October 9-11 in Minneapolis. Loosely based on the TED Talks model, 21 speakers will hit 21 topics in 21 minutes each. It’s the hottest Christian conference I’ve seen in years — plus, all the women are speakers but it’s not a “women’s conference.” In the world of the church my friends, that is a small miracle. To find out how to meet the miracle workers, click here. Pay special attention to Nadia, Seth, Makeesha, and our grand dame, Ms. Phyllis. They will rock your socks!

Soultribes is an on-going series helping creative souls build a place to call home. Demonstrate your commitment to forming your tribe by adding this badge to your website, and follow us on Twitter to read the next edition. “There ain’t no where to go but together!”

There’s a lot going on over here, and even now I hear the sound of my hubby vacuuming —unbidden!— downstairs. While he does the IRL housekeeping I’ll do the virtual stuff. Here’s what’s going on today in Magpie Girl world.

Soulsisters!
Are you coming on the Soulsister’s ’09 Retreat? Do you wish you were? Do you want to form your own tribe of soulsisters (or soulsiblings?) Follow our progress and learn our hopes here.

Fun & Helpful Twitter Play-a-Longs
Do you Tweet? So do I!  I’m starting some fun new trends on Twitter.

• #gigglepics: photos to cheer you up or soothe your soul via TwitPic.
• #dailywhimsy: cheeky little tweets about the playful things we do to embrace whimsy.
• #dreamboards: do you dreamboard? share your results using links to your blog, Flickr, or Twitpic.
• #soulsisters: for those of us attending the first retreat and dreaming or forming the next one.
• #doless:join The DO LESS Revolution and learn to do what Leo Babatua calls “the fine art of choosing the essentials,” and achieve what I call “concentrated living.” (Plus, just feel better!)
• #soultribes: follow the “How to Build Your Soultribe” series and share ideas and plans with others.
• #*8Things: to share your weekly *8Things and see what others come up with. (It’s fascinating)

Wreck this Journal
Over at Starshyne Productions, my soulsister Jamie Ridler offers The Next Chapter — virtual book clubs for the arty at heart. Right now she’s encouraging us to make a mess with Keri Smith’s   Wreck this Journal. Eden, Cate and I started wrecking ours two summers ago. But I’m working on finishing the demo now. Here’s my page for this week. The instructions were “cover this page with white things.” It’s doubling as this month’sdreamboard. My theme for the month is “be still. be now.”

Hope you all have a wonderful Saturday. Don’t do too much housekeeping…go outside and do something whimsical!

Love,

Magpie Girl

Some people love theory and some people love praxis. I’ve always been a big fan of praxis myself, which is why I’m delighted to continue our series of interviews with Soultribe Practitioners. Theoreticians can tell you why things work. Practitioners tell you how things work.

Christine Valters Painter is one of the rare few who can do both. In this interview Christine talks about several types of Soultribes and how their natural life cycle progressed. Last month’s Soultribe Practitioner, Melissa Lindgrenof the Knitta’s talked about a more light-hearted group designed to share-a-skill and tell a story.  This month Christine will give us insight in to forming a more intensive group with deep soul sharing with a different standard of expectation for commitment, attendance and involvement.  Both types of group are great – which kind you form just has to do with what scratches where it itches.

And now, without further ado, Ms. Christine Valters Paintner:  Spiritual Director, Benedictine Oblate, Photographer, Author, Teacher, Dog Lover, Zine Maker, World Traveler and PhD (among other marvelous things)

Background:Could you tell us what kind of Soultribe you belong to: What do you call it? How big is it? How often do you meet? How long have you been together as a group?

 I have belonged to several Creative Communities over the last few years including Writing Group, a Dream Group, and a Peer Creative Arts Group.  I like the word “Soultribe” as a descriptor of what it is we really do together, so that may inform our future incarnations. 

Each group has had about 5-6 members and has lasted three years.  The size is just right for growing in intimacy together and I am discovering the life cycles in group process. 

The Writing Group and Dream Group no longer meet because the natural end of those cycles was reached. The Peer Creative Arts Group (or Soultribe) was originally formed out of a program I teach called “Awakening the Creative Spirit”  . After the first year through that program I invited four participants with whom I felt like I could move into a peer relationship and explore the arts together as a means for ongoing self-growth and discovery. It became a place to experiment with different art forms in the context of prayer and sacred intention and a place to have our story heard and held.

There were several commitments we made to each other to build the foundation of the group: being present each monthly session, maintaining a covenant of confidentiality, supporting each other in taking care of our needs in the group by keeping a balance of safety and risk-taking.

Group Content: What does your typical time together look like? Who decides what you will do together? Who facilitates?

Our Peer Creative Arts Group gathers for three hours.  The first hour is time for checking in, the second hour is for a creative arts experience, and the third hour is to share the fruits of that experience and offer one or two members a focused time to unpack something that may be stirring up a lot of energy. This third part is essentially a group spiritual direction process of listening and reflecting back what we hear in their story.

Each member takes a turn to facilitate each month and hold the space and be mindful of the time.  We have had facilitators bring experiences of movement and InterPlay, visual expression though painting, drawing, or collage, poetry and journal writing, song, and sacred drama.  The art form serves as a container for our individual process and allows us to witness what is emerging and unfolding within us through varying languages and mediums.  It is a place for us to experiment as well with new processes we want to try with a retreat we are leading or some other work, in this group we can ask for feedback as to how it went and what needed improvement.

Our process has evolved a bit over time.  We have checked in periodically as a group about the shape, form, and frequency our time takes together.  For example, during the first year we found that slowly our check-ins were becoming longer and longer until we had little time left for the art experience.  And while the check-in time is such a rich part of bringing our sacred story to the others, there is also a gift we had to embrace in providing limits.  We had to trust that ten minutes each would be “enough” to tell what was really essential.  So now the facilitator keeps track of the time and gives a signal when those ten minutes are nearly done.  From this process I have become a big fan of creating time limits in group process and having someone in charge of holding us to those (which rotates each time).  It creates a true mutuality where people who naturally tend to talk longer don’t dominate the time.  It offers us an opportunity to be really intentional about what we share with each other, rather than just rattling off a whole list of events since our last gathering.  The time limit forces us to go deeper more quickly.

People: What kind of people attend? How did you initially find and gather these folks? How do people find you now that you’ve been around for a while?

Ours is an intentionally small group and is closed to new members.  We recently had one member move to Australia and so we had to discern carefully whether we would invite another person in.  We knew it had to be someone who knew us quite well in other contexts, because over three years we had grown very close to each other.  One of our group members did a beautiful job of creating closure for our group when the member left.  We moved through a ritual of reflecting on our time together and telling stories of memories from different points of our group’s history, naming the gifts and challenges, and then had a ritual of letting go. We weren’t just saying goodbye to one person, we had to acknowledge that our group would now be an entirely new creation without her dynamic as apart.  We are just in the process of adding the new member in and need to tread carefully and intentionally about creating essentially a new group because those dynamics have shifted.

If it were more of an open group I would send out notes to all of my contacts with an invitation and a specific description of what the group was about and name some of the qualities of the kind of people we were looking for.  I find networking bears the most fruit in terms of bringing people together.  Individual invitation works well also, perhaps  you know of at least one or two people you would love to commit to in a soulful way and they each know of at least one or two people.  Have an initial gathering where you discuss the hopes for the group and give each person permission at that point to say whether they feel drawn or not, giving them freedom to discover that it might not be the right process for them.

Coming Together: How long did it take your group to gel? What was that process like? If you got to a sticky point where you weren’t sure it was working out, how did you know to press on? When did you know you had “clicked” together?

We were fortunate in that we had already been through a six-month program together so a great deal of trust had already been established and there was excitement around continuing this dynamic.  Essential to this process were creating agreements and expectations around confidentiality and safety.  Depending on how often a group meets, I find that it generally takes 5-6 meetings to really move to a deeper place together where you begin sharing those layers of soul beneath the surface.

Our group has had several sticking points and struggles along the way. For example, initially I had invited one other member who hadn’t gone through our program together but knew a couple of the other members and was interested in exploring the arts as a spiritual practice.  However she kept cancelling last minute and not showing up to our sessions which began to create a significant tension. I learned that when the group members have different members of connection and familiarity with each other, significant work needs to be done to bridge those as well as clear commitments for presence at each session and to each other if you want to build a deeper level of trust.  I eventually had to ask her to not participate which was a painful process and resulted in the distancing of our friendship.

The five of us who participate have very full lives and some months it can be a struggle to get to our time together with so much else vying for our attention.  We have had to re-commit to each other along the way and sometimes pause the normal rhythm of our group to reflect on and re-connect with why it is we get together and whether we are still fed by our process and time.  The reasons will shift over time and is a natural outflow of group process.  The answer for our group has continued to be yes.  At some point I imagine there will be a time when the cycle of the group wanes.  Waxing and waning are normal elements, and just because there is declining energy doesn’t mean it is time to give up.  It means it is time to have honest conversations with each other about expectations and needs.  Sometimes those conversations will lead to tremendous fruit that will bring the group closer and to a deeper place again, struggling through conflict with integrity usually does bear fruit.  And sometimes those conversations will lead to the realization that this is no longer the season for this kind of gathering.  In that case I highly recommend ending well rather than just fizzling out.  Beginnings and endings need to be done with intention and awareness around their power and usually involve telling stories about self at the start and about self-in-community at the end. And if one person needs to leave before the group is ready to end, then there needs to be great attention and care paid to that transition.

Take-Away:Why do you think people come to your group? What does being together do for you? What are the benefits of belonging to this kind of Soultribe?

These are women who know me on a soul level.  As someone who regularly facilitates spiritual experiences for others, it is absolutely essential that I have places where I can share honestly my own struggles and journey in a safe space.  I believe this is true for anyone, but especially those of us who are in some kind of power relationship in our work of spiritual care.  We need places to process what gets triggered in ourselves so it doesn’t get worked out in our ministry, our jobs, even our parenting I would imagine.  We all need safe spaces where we can be free to explore the full range of our experience of the sacred which includes our doubts and moments of despair as well, the work of the soul. We need peers on the journey who can help us to see things we couldn’t have seen about ourselves on our own.  We need the language of art to move out of our heads and into the body as a source of profound wisdom for our lives.

________________________________

Many thanks to Christine for taking the time to share her experiences with us here in the Soultribe series. You can find Christine at Abbey of the Arts, where she writes about creative spirituality; hosts Poetry Parties; and announces her classes, books and beautiful full-color Relective Art Journals. Thanks too to Jolie Guillebeau who contributed to this process by donating a thank-you gift for Christine via our Sacred Commerce experiment.  Jolie’s beadwork and paintings are available here.  Thank you for being here!

Soultribes is an on-going series helping creative souls build a place to call home. Demonstrate your commitment to forming your tribe by adding this badge to your website, and follow us on Twitter to read the next edition. “There ain’t no where to go but together!”

But the thing is, I loved it. I absolutely loved it. One of my major themes in life is Only Connect. And nothing gives me energy or feeds my soul like a fantastic conversation.  But in a mysterious way that I won’t even try to fit words around, as much as these kinds of conversation give me energy, they also take my energy. Do you know what I mean?  They feed my soul; they drain my poor, fiddly, complicated body.

So Jena, Leonie and I are dreaming up ways that I could ensure myself adequate self care while still doing the work I love to do – direction/coaching/being yours on the journey. A lot of people charge for spiritual direction, and I myself have done so in the past. But I have just enough baggage that the exchange of money makes me feel all stressed and iggy (that’s a technical term.) The minute I put my shingle out on my door and start issuing invoices all my gremlins  rise up and say: “What? You want people to PAY you? Damn girl, now you really better have some good advice. You better know the answers, or people will feel ripped off, big time. Phew. Better you than me, sister.”

In an ideal, self-actualized world, I would figure out how to work around this and just be a normal person and set up a sliding-scale fee. But in real life, it doesn’t work that way. At least not now.

Still, I know two things:

1) I want to spend as much time as possible helping out those malcontented seekers, recovering evangelicals, and creative soulful types out there….. and ….

2) If I do that I need some (more) support.

So here’s what I’m going to do. You know the Giant Pool of Wisdom? The one I’ve been trying to gather up over here at Magpie Girl? You contribute to it. Whether you know it or not, you really do. Even if you feel like all you ever do is lurk, or ask questions, or get a little teary in the comments — that’s a contribution. It makes us think, and gives others the chance to offer answers. It’s so SO important. It shows us that we’ve got game – both in that we desire change, and in that we are determined to make it (let it?) happen. I mean seriously people, we are POWERFUL.

But you’ve got more than ideological wisdom. You’ve also got skills, resources, and talent fuh sure! You make stuff, you heal people, you rock html. We are wealthy up over here, you readers and I. 

So here’s what I’m thinking, rather than me charging fees and getting all trippy…..rather than y’all starting every email with “I know you don’t have a lot of time but…”….rather than feeling stressed and drained and tapped out…. let’s trust the pool. Let’s trust that there’s enough for all of us. Let’s trust that we can create a form of what Leonie calls “sacred commerce” – an exchange of goods, and skills, and affection that feeds that honors the community we are building here. Let’s experiment with putting what we can in the pool, taking out what we need, and trusting that it will all come out in the wash.

So here’s the deal. I’ll keep on doing what I do: writing posts, answering questions, responding to emails, making appointments for IM and Skype chats. And you do what you do: making comments, giving advice, wondering about things, creating stuff, offering your skill to the universe.  And then-and this is the really important part–we will ask for what we need. I know. That sounds scary. But it’s okay, it really is. You’ll help people feel powerful by letting them help. And you’ll feel fantastic when you can help. Its symbiosis people, and it’s pretty fan-damn-tastic.

So I’ll start. If you are out there, splashing  about in the Giant Pool, and if I’ve helped you in some way, or if you just feel glad we’re helping each other, then here are my requests. If one of them resonates with you, let me know. And if not, that’s okay. You should write or call or IM me anyway. Because I know stuff, and I care about you, and that’s a pretty great combination.

Rachelle’s List of Stuff She Might Find in the Pool

I need some long distance energy work to help me maintain my health in the midst of all this soulcare. So if you do Reiki or something similar, and you’d be willing to offer me so gratis care once or twice a month that would be wonderful.

I don’t need a lot of money, but I do need to earn a little to help even out the power balance thing in the household – and I don’t want to charge for my time. But you can help! If you would like to volunteer to be my Virtual Assistant for just one project, I’d love it. The project? Setting up some private ads on the sidebar of Magpie Girl.  Let me know if that floats your entrepreneurial/web hacker boat.

I could use some Etsy love. If some of you Etsy gals would donate and item or two for me to give as thank-you gifts to the people I’m interviewing for the Soultribe Practitioners series that would be lovely. These women are going to inspire you, give you tips, and help you find your way. And they are spending a lot of time typing up answers for me to share. So if you’d be willing to send something  from your shop with a thank you note from moi, I would surely appreciate your contribution.

Finally–and this is a Mondo Beyond dream for me-I need an editor. I’m looking for someone who loves what I write, and has a knack for selecting the essential. Someone who would be willing to spend a few days culling through my blogs, making a list of related links, and sending them to me saying “These 12-20 posts Rachelle, this is your book. Edit these up and you’re done.” Oh my God, if that happened it would be a minor miracle!

What do you think? Do we have what we need in the pool? How can I help? How can you help? Ideas and thoughts below please! And as always, thank you for being here.

A few months ago I listened to a TAL episode entitled The Giant Pool of Money. It’s an excellent explanation of the mortgage crises that is sweeping the nation – but for right now that’s neither here nor there. The reason I mention it is that the title burrowed its way into my brain, and now all I can think of is the phrase “A Giant Pool of Wisdom.”  It’s a good phrase, don’t you think? And I am confident that we – you, and I, and all the lurkers out here (Hi lurkers! I love ya!) -can form such a pool. In fact, I know that we already have enough wisdom to fill that pool to overflowing. We’ve just got to share it.

So in our on-going efforts to figure out how to create our own Soultribes, I’m dipping into the pool and bringing up refreshing goodness one ladle at a time. To begin, I’m happy to introduce the very sassy, very funny friend Melissa Lindgren as our first guest in the Soultribe Practitioner Interview Series.  (I know, she’s so fun right? Already you want to be her friend!)

Melissa and I met at our former Soultribe, Monkfish Abbey.  Now she is a Soultribe facilitator hosting a knitting and storytelling group in Seattle, Washington. In this interview she talks about gathering her tribe, adjusting expectations, and figuring out what she values in a Soultribe.

Mis, Could you tell us what kind of Soultribe you belong to: What do you call it? How big is it? How often do you meet? How long have you been together as a group?

For the last 8 months a group of friends and I have come together to knit. We calling it “The Knitting Group” or simply ”Knitting” (I tried “The Knitstas” and “The Knitta’s” but they really didn’t take) It started out with about 15 of us and has shrunk to about 8.  

What was it about story that made you want to form a group around storytelling? What do you think is valuable in sharing our stories?

My University of Washington research has centered on knitting and storytelling as tools to form community. As I’ve drifted further and further away from concrete concepts of spirituality, and even further from conventional forms of church, I was in need of a weekly group that could give my life more rhythm and community. So I started a knitting group and began researching how telling stories and knitting together can form a powerful community.

 I wanted to add stories to a knitting circle, because I’m in the business of stories. It’s what I do. I think there are a lot of things we do that are instinctive to us. And some of us are lucky when our interests also have a long history of being important, as it gives us meaning and a certain sense of legitimacy.

Stories are something so very basically human–they are a way of being remembered, remembering, owning, teaching, loving, laughing, being known…And I am drawn to stories for all of those reasons. But the real reason I included stories in my knitting group is because I love to hear a good story, I’m good at telling my own, and that’s how I wanted to wile the Seattle evenings away.

 It is in no way lost on me that I chose a traditionally women-oriented craft (knitting) with another craft that has a somewhat complicated relationship with women (story-telling/having a voice). My group was really intentioned to be a space that glorified the story more than the storyteller–I wanted to hear well-crafted stories–stories that had a lot of depth, intrigue, humor, and suspense.

What does your typical evening together look like? Who decides what you will do together? Who facilitates?

 I’m the facilitator, I decide. :-) I started this group as a way to get together with my friends and as an independent study for my B.A. in English. The goal was to come together and knit and tell stories. I sent out emails every week telling people the topic of the stories and re-iterating the location (my living room). 

 Though people participated in the story-telling it really wasn’t what was driving the group. So I backed off with the stories and just sort of let the group chit and chat where it wanted. These were decisions i more or less made on my own, but were usually bounced off of a friend or two in the group.

 What kind of people attend? How did you initially find and gather these folks? How do people find you now that you’ve been around for a while?

The kind of people who attend are the out-going-est of my friends who are interested in knitting. I initially invited everyone I wanted to see on a weekly basis, but it has shrunk to people who need some sort of weekly outside social group. Though it sometimes feels like we are cousins with lives completely known to each other, often someone in the group will invite an unknown visitor who we all smother and gawk over. :-) Some people just want a lesson in knitting or are stuck in a project and come to get help and then fade back into their normal Wednesday night routines without us.

 How long did it take your group to gel? What was that process like? If you got to a sticky point where you weren’t sure it was working out, how did you know to press on? When did you know you had “clicked” together?

Hmm. There was a core group that already knew and liked each other. If other people were uncomfortable or weren’t having fun, they just didn’t come back. I often tried to bribe them back because my core group needs to expand itself a little more. My bribes weren’t very bribe-y though.

I had a couple people who came who were young, loud, and didn’t listen to other people’s stories. It was greatly irritating and slightly amusing. But the point, at least at first, was to knit and learn to tell great stories. So the next week, I added that after each story 3 questions would have to be asked to the teller before we could move on to the next story. This was to help our listening skills and our story telling skills (it’s a good practice to examine why we include or exclude certain parts of a story). But the noisy youngin’s didn’t come back. And I eventually took them off the email list. I have to admit I felt relieved when they didn’t come back, but I also felt old. Very very old.  (Rachelle says: I would like to insert here, that Melissa is in her twenties and one of my youngest friends, so the old things is kind of cracking me up.)

Why do you think people come to your group? What does being together do for you? What are the benefits of belonging to this kind of Soultribe?

Right now, people come to hang out. But there were a couple months in there that people came to connect in a soft comfortable way.

I once asked the group what kind of stories they loved to hear and it was always stories that were personal, stories the teller had connected to. When I asked what kind of listener they liked to tell stories to, they described someone who could enjoy the details and the setup, feel sad at the sad parts, feel tense at the build-up, and laugh at the jokes (even if they weren’t the best of jokes).  Basically they not only described themselves, they described someone who could connect to their stories. And that’s why we met for awhile–to connect to each other through our stories.

What did you think your group would be like? How did it actually turn out? What’s that like for you?

I thought all sorts of different friends would come together and eventually we would be the group that when it was your turn to tell a story, you put your knitting down and walked around the room telling these grand stories (and the group size would be about 10-15 of the closest wisest and funniest people).

But really we just sort of sat in our chairs unless getting a snack or asking for help and told stories that almost always started out with “Heh, that reminds me of this one time…”

It was a little sad for me at first. And it made my research project a little harder. But there were several meetings that were exactly what I wanted, which felt great. But it takes a surprising amount of planning, creativity, intentionality and tenacity to get a group of people to willingly do what you want. It’s like herding kittens-or worse, herding children. I mean, most people don’t naturally want to do what you want them to, and this is something worth grappling with. And drinking about.

 What would you have done differently in the early days of your Soultribe? What did you do that worked well in the early days of your Soultribe’s development?

I think I would have been more specific in wanting it to center around stories more. I thought that I could just sort of sneak them in and people would automatically respond with great stories and accolades of “I HAVE FOUND MY VOICE!”  I think I lacked a certain confidence in my desire.

What did work were comfy chairs and snacks. Everytime. And good snacks too. Also, re-assuring people many, many times that it was ok if they didn’t know how, they could learn to knit. Many people learned to knit for the first time, or learned something new.

What other tidbits would you like to add to our giant pool of wisdom?

One thing I wish I would have been told as a kid, was that there is no way one person was going to be everything you needed. Oh the agonizing conversations in my head, “My partner makes me laugh and treats me with so much respect and love…but he doesn’t know how to talk about books…we’re probably not meant to be together!”  I have learned to include more people in my interaction needs. And it has made my relationships so much richer now that the pressure is off.

The same, I think, could be said of Soultribes. I think they are capable of being a central community for people but most likely not the ONLY community–which is something probably more obvious to the group than the facilitator.

Okay now readers, your turn! What ideas and inspirations grabbed you after hearing Melissa’s story? What questions do you have for one another? What are you taking away (or putting in to) the Giant Pool fo Wisdom today? Feel free to muse away in the comments below….

click here to grab a button and build your soultribe.

So, I wrote this article about my Easter discomfort, and it threw me into two worlds. The first world is the one I adore, where recovering evangelicals and other misfit truth-seekers cling to each other and celebrate discovering a (rek)new(ed) way to be. The second world is the world of religious debate, in which people–people who I like and respect and admire–spend a great deal of time trying to convince me that ”we” are wrong and “they” are right.

I get why this is. I get that in the evangelical/fundamentalist world view, there is a Right and a Wrong and never the twain shall meet. Furthermore, for these folks getting things Right is highly valued. In part, this is because not getting it right results in not being right with God, and ultimately in a really long stay in Hell. So it stands to reason that people who hold this worldview want to debate with you about the places where your ideologies and their ideologies do not match up. Of course they want you to come to The Right. They like you. Maybe they even love you. They want you to fix your thinking because they care. They really care.

The problem with this is that we are experiencing cross-cultural dissonance here. Because in the post-modern world, there is not a Right and a Wrong in the same black-and-white sense that there is in modernist country. In the post-modern world truth is not seen as a concrete, attainable goal, but as an intriguing, slippery beast. To post-moderns there is more than one true way of answering the same question–and so the questions, and not the answers are tantamount. In the post-modern zeitgeist, this is fine, because you can hold two different truths in one open palm. But in the modernist milieu, that is not an option.

So, to use a phrase of my father’s “Let me say this about that.“….My target audience is this post-modern group of malcontented seekers. Malcontented Seekers. I know it’s an awkward phrase, but both of these words are important here.

Malcontented: by which I mean “requiring change, discontent.”
Seekers:  by which I mean “not willing to stay in the discontent, but being eager to create/discover something proactive and positive, something (re)new(ed).” 

I have readers who are modernists, and I thank you for being here. But I’m asking you to please remember that you already have a place to belong. A place to live out your beliefs. A place where others share your convictions. It’s a super well established place with lots of support for your way of being. You can live there in comfort. But the others–the malcontented seekers–not so much. They are out there on their own:  beat up and disoriented; hungry and eager; excited to find something new, and more than a little bit sad that they had to leave the former behind. It’s a difficult place to be. And these folks, they need a safe place, and they need to find each other. That’s what I do here. It’s what I strive to achieve. That is mycurrent calling.

So, if you are one of those lucky folks who live happily in a safe and content place;  one of those folks who know the Truth and the Truth works for you; if  you  feel  confident in your understanding of things like Jesus, and Easter, and Sin and Redemption–I’m happy for you. Believe me, we all sometimes wish we were there with you. But we aren’t, and we literally cannot be there again. So please try to understand. We aren’t rejecting you. We aren’t trying to pull you out of what you know, or convince you that you are wrong and we are right. But your language is no longer our language, your culture is no longer our own, and the basis for how you form your understanding of the world — the idea that the Bible holds all the answers, or that faith is cut-and-dry, or that all our holy stories are literally true–these things  are no longer bedrock for us. So we may miss each other a bit, we may not always connect. And that’s okay. We can still be significant one to another. But we need you to let us explore.

What this means for me, personally, is that I won’t always respond to all the comments from modernist Christians. I just can’t. I’m a chronic pain survior, I’m the mother of several, and I’m an ExPat trying to live in a foreign and difficult (for me) culture. That doesn’t leave a lot of energy for me to play with.  The energy I’m left with I am JOYOUSLY compelled to give to my malcontent friends and soulsibilings who’s questions lead them to seek truth in the margins. These are the edge-dwellers and my passion leads me to them — leads us to each other. So their thoughts and concerns will get the bulk of my time. I hope you understand.

That being said, thank you for all who have commented here, and on BlogHer, and on Twitter, and especially on Facebook, where the discussion is the most active. I appreciate your passion, your concern, and your gorgeous hearts and minds.

And to those of you who have come to those same places to be pissy, or sad, or curious, or hopeful, or all of the above–I am so, SO glad you are here. I know that together we can form a giant pool of wisdom that will allow us to create a way of living that doesn’t do damage to our souls.  Come join me on the picnic blanket, and bring your most favorite passions–especially the one’s you’ve had to keep under that mattress until now. We’re going to have fun!

Karin and Lindord my friends, play us out, will ya please? …..

Next up at Magpie Girl:  On authenticity, niceness, and the benefits of being pissy . :-)

Okay loves, you’ve made some space, you’ve written your mantra to evoke a mood, and maybe you’ve even unpacked a few things so your new Soultribe can move in. Now comes the part that is both difficult and glorious: just add people.

People are messy. I’m sure you know this. Each one of us is a complicate package of pros and cons. I always say that I love people for their quirks, and I sure hope people love me for mine – ‘cuz lord knows I’ve got enough of them! But eventually, in spite of the quirkiness,  you have to add some complicated souls to the mix. (Unless you want to continue being a tribe of one. You don’t do you? No, I didn’t think so.)

So here’s what I know right now about adding the people:

It’s okay to be exclusive.
I know there are theories out there about how small groups should be Open Door, especially groups that are kind of religious-y and have high minded values about inclusion and equity. But when you are getting started, sometimes you need to be a little bit selective. My theory is: Build your base, and then your base can support the odd balls-those people you know and love but who take a lot of energy.

Now, there are exceptions to this suggestion. Maybe you are the kind of person who thrives on chaos. Maybe you work the night shift in a mental ward, or you regularly move troubled teenagers into your home. If this is you, then by all means, throw the doors open wide. Folks need a place to land, and it sounds like your couch might be the perfect place. But if you are not that person, be honest with yourself about that and keep your invite list a little bit small for now. It’s okay to be honest about what you need.

Build your dream team.
Remember your mantra? That’s your dream for your tribe. Now go back to that and make a list of people-you-know who evoke that feeling for you. This may take days or even weeks to emerge.

I’ll tell you a little secret. I’m planning a Soulsisters Retreat this summer. I only have nine beds for the retreat, so I have to write a small invite list. This feels dicey because I’ve been blessed with an enormous on-line tribe and could easily fill three times that many spaces. My normal mode of operation would be to post something on the blog and say “come one, come all.” But I know how frail I’ve been lately – emotionally and physically – and I know I need my most nourishing, gentle, and inspiring souls around me. So I started a list and over many weeks-months even-I’ve added and gleaned, and added and gleaned some more, until I got a little collection of people whose way of walking in this world met up with the dream I had cast for the retreat.

This is what you need to do now-even if, and maybe especially if your Gremlins are screaming at you that you are Not Being Fair. Give them a gin and tonic and tell them to relax. Then make the list that matches your mantra.

Start temporary.
There is nothing more intimidating than being invited to something that has a three- year commitment. I know you want intimacy and depth in your Soultribe, I know. But you cannot mandate that by making people sign something in blood. So start small: one dinner, three weeks of discussing articles around a certain theme, an art project that might take a couple Saturdays.

Use this temporary time to see how people are fitting together, to notice the gaps where a few more personalities could fit in, and to listen to your own self about how things are going. Start with a low-key, laid-back standard. You can always up the intensity and the commitment level later, if that’s what your tribe tells you it needs. For now just play, feel things out, and let your gut tell you what you already know.

Let people lurk.
There are ice breakers and get-to-know-you-games, and if you like those by all means go right ahead. I’m sure there is a youth group leader or sorority president amongst us who will give you ideas about what you could do in that arena. But if playing Personality Bingo is not your cup of tea, I recommend lurking.  

Once you’ve gathered your Soultribe newbies, ask them to ante up their blogs, Facebook addresses, Twitter user names, and Flickr accounts. Gather these up in an email and send them ’round. There’s nothing that takes the pressure off of getting to know somebody like not having to admit that you are doing so. Lurking is a baby-Soultribe’s best friend.

One last thing. Now, before I go, there is one word of warning that I would like to issue. Maybe it is just a rant, or maybe it is part of my own unpacking, but here it goes. I used to be a part of the church planting world, and in that world there is this terminology, “Scaffolding.” The theory is that when you are forming a new community, the first round of people who come are just the scaffolding. They are the people who will help prop things up until things really get going. Once the foundation is down and the walls are up, the scaffolding people are allowed to disappear-often with hurt feelings-and that’s considered a fine amount of collateral damage.

I would like to blow the bullshit bullhorn on this one. There are seasons of belonging yes, and people will come and go from a church, or a community, or a Soultribe. But that is different than treating people as scaffolding. People are precious souls, not scrap wood. So please, if you’ve grown up with this theory, let it go. Your first invite list won’t be your last, but those folks on the first list are far more than just ends to a mean. Don’t put someone on there if you just need them to bring in other interesting folks, or you have some needful but exhausting task for them to do. Examine you motivations, and make sure the souls on your tribal roster are the ones that match your mantras – not the ones who can get you to the ones who match your mantra. (Does that make sense?)

Okay Soulsiblings, that’s all I’ve got for now. I know I’m skipping over stuff. Like, how do you gather people if you don’t know anyone to put on the list? Or what do you do if you invite someone and then rapidly realize they are going to be a crazy maker? Or what is the perfect size for a tribe? I’m sure you all have questions, and ideas about these sorts of things. So if you have any experiencing with the gathering bit, do tell!  And if you have thought provoking questions, please put them in the comments. We are each other’s giant pool of wisdom for this charming journey. There ain’t no place to go but together.  Amen? Amen.

Read all the posts on How to Build Your Soultribe by clicking here, subscribing at the top of this blog, or following me here.

Are you in the process of building a Soultribe, or already part of a great one? Grab a button and join the giant pool of wisdom puddling now. Thanks for being here!

Writing about Soultribes has got me to reminiscing about my last clan, Monkfish Abbey. Here are *8 Things the monkfishers gave me, which I will treasure always.

1. The Poet Chill Out CD Isreal made for us.
2. A binder full of soup recipes.
3. Six months of living with Rebecca.
4. The fun of watching Ammelia and Lindell negotiate themselves into a relationship.
5. Discovering lectio divina and adding collage.
6. Prayer Flags.
7. A collection of seasonal practices which still support my family.
8. Good memories from the artistic pagans at Fremont Arts Council.

What *8 Things has your last, past, or current Soultribe given you?

This is an ongoing series about How to Build Your Soultribe. Click here for step one and step two, or follow me on Twitter for notification when a new post is up. To listen to this post click here.

A couple weeks ago, Portland artist Jolie Guillebeau wrote to me via Twitter:

“I have a dilemma and I wonder if you can help. How do you properly grieve the loss of your Soultribe, without being bitter?”

Ah, the ten million dollar question!

Part of getting ready for your new Soultribe involves saying goodbye to your old one. I’ve been a part of several meaningful tribes in my past: small groups at church that became and extended family; a group of friends who wanted to build a co-housing together; a group of seekers trying to provide soulcare to one another over beer, bread, and a bowl of soup. Each one of them brought me the gifts I needed at the time I needed them. But leaving them was difficult. The first was closed out of exhaustion. The second ended after mysterious interpersonal fall-outs. The third ended when we decided to move overseas. Each goodbye came with a confusing mix of emotions: anger, gratitude, fear, expectation, sadness, relief.

I am not known for making a graceful exit. I stay too long until I am sick and bitter; or I rush to leave too abruptly. But I am learning a little about leaving a Soultribe–what you take with you, and which bits you have to unpack before you can feel at home again.

Unpacking the Anger
We often leave our Soultribe because of a falling out. This is sad, but what’s the point of pretending it’s not true? Religious groups fight over doctrine. Communes collapse under the strain of what to do with the common purse. Writer’s groups get fed up with each other’s feedback. It happens, and it’s maddening. Here are two things I find helpful in dealing with anger.

1) Honor your Anger. The best way to get bitter is to ignore your angry feelings. Many of you know that I used to have an anger altar in my backyard where I could throw plates at a heap of stones. That’s because I believe anger packs a lot of heat, and discharging that energy can be helpful. But if you can’t find a place to break things, you can honor your anger in other ways. Tell a friend your anger story. Write it down. Collage an image of it. Give it a great big seat of honor on your mantelpiece. I promise it will help.

2) Find the Primary Emotion. Once when I was very angry, a friend told me “anger is a secondary emotion.” At the time, I wanted to throw something hard at his head. But later I realized how helpful this advice was. Anger is indeed real – but it is also a cloaking device. The red hot heat of anger hides other more primary emotions behind its flashy showmanship. When I am angry, and I’ve already ranted and raged in some plate breaking sort of way, I then complete the dealing-with-anger practice. I sit down, usually with a pen and a notebook. I close my eyes. I thank my anger for being an early warning system. Then I ask it to step aside so I can see what is behind it. (Hurt feelings? Not feeling listened to? Disappointment?) Then I get to work on paying attention to that emotion. It works every time.

To Every Season, Change, Change, Change
When I was in my twenties I spent a few weeks at JPUSA—a commune in the poorest part of Chicago. JPUSA had been around since the era of the Jesus Freaks. I was in awe. These people had lived common purse, in families of choice, at poverty level for decades. That was the kind of community I longed for – one rooted in service and place—one with longevity.

What I did not understand was that Soultribes exist for a season. They serve a certain purpose for a certain time. And while some like JPUSA go on for a long time, the reality is their membership is in constant flux. People come and go. Relationships change. Goals alter. And you know what? That’s how it’s meant to be.

Sometimes it’s that the group dynamic which changes, and what you started with morphs into something strange and unfamiliar. Sometimes you change and what once fit and supported you no longer serves you well. When that happens there are three things I find helpful

1) Make a Good Ending. If a group blows up in a mess of bad feelings, this may not be possible. But if you are attentive to the seasonal shifts in yourself and in your group, you can take your leave in a way that creates shalom rather than illness. To make a good ending: give plenty of notice; carve out some time with the tribe to remember what you’ve done together; express thanksgiving to the people you shared so much life with. This can be both incredibly restorative, and emotionally draining—but it’s worth it.

2. Make space for sadness. Leaving your Soultribe often brings about a sense of sadness and loss. Grieving takes time, comes in cycles, and needs you to honor it. One of my favorite tricks for dealing with this process is a shrine for sadness. The simplest version is to clear a space on your window sill (I like to give the process sunlight and fresh air), find a pretty bowl, and gather some pebbles. Every time you remember something sad, or recall something you miss about your community, put a stone in the bowl. What this communicates to your soul is: this is real, this is what you are supposed to feel, there is a space for this sadness.

3) Memorialize The Real. Sometimes when a community closes you can get thrown into a cycle of self-doubt. Was it really as good as you remembered? Were you ever really friends? Had it actually ever fed you? Because we humans are complicated, any tribe we build is a mixed bag. But it’s rare that something you’ve lived in has been a complete bust. Don’t let your gremlins tell you otherwise! Find a way to memorialize the good about your lost tribe. Write a list of true things on a long coil of paper. Make a slide show of your photographs from that era. Read your journal from the time you spent with them. These things will help you remember The Real, and embody the message that while your tribe was not permanent, it was valuable and treasured.

What Soultribe have you left behind? What did you experience? How did you take your leave? What tricks do you have to help you mourn, remember, and celebrate?

How’s that experiment with making space for your Soultribe going? Have you baked some bread? Cleared some clutter? Made the place smell good? Good for you! (If not, that’s okay. It’s not a race or anything. We’ll wait up.)

Step Two: Using your Words to Creating Emotional Space

Now that you’ve made some physical space for your Soultribe, it’s time to create some emotional atmosphere as well. You know how sometimes you walk into a room, and it just feels right? Maybe it’s someone’s living room that always feels like a hug. Or maybe your massage therapists’ practice room is just the right balance of professionalism and coziness. Or it could be that your yoga studio is just so perfectly Zen. You can create that kind of emotive space for your Soultribe too!

Have you ever heard a parent working with a screaming toddler? You might hear the parent say: “Honey, you have to use your words.” Emotions can be big, very big. Even the good ones can be hard to pin down. So what we are going to do in step two, is find some words that will nuture the kind of emotional feel you want your Soultribe to have.

Here are three kinds of energy that lives in some of the Soultribe spaces I’ve visited. These are just ideas to help you get a picture of what you might like to see grow now that you’ve vested your charming space.

1) The vibrant, challenging energy that encourages discussion and intellectual discourse.
2) The passionate, hot energy that flows amongst a group dedicated to social action.
3) The warm nurturing energy that pools in a group dedicated to encouragement and discernment.

Each of these groups would have a different vibe, a different emotional temperature or texture. Anchoring yourself now in the emotional texture you would like to experience with your Soultribe will help put you solidly on the path that’s unfolding in front of you. And thankfully, it’s not that hard.

How to Write a Mantra

So get quiet for just a minute and ask yourself this question. When I am in this room with my Soultribe, what kind of emotional feeling do I want to be sitting in? Okay, just think about it for a minute or two. Now start writing down emotive words. At least ten, I think. Don’t over-think it. This works best quick and dirty on a piece of scratch paper. If any sneak in there that make you feel like you have to include them to “do it right” or “to be official” or because “you should”, toss those puppies out right away. Those are most likely institutional leftovers you don’t need. We are working with fresh ingredients here.

Once you’ve got your list, scan it and circle the three words that seem to float up to the top. Again, don’t over-think it. This is intuitive work. We don’t want our monkey minds getting in there and stirring things up.

Now this is the best part, which I just recently picked up from the Other Laura. Make your three words into a mantra. For instance, mine right now is warmthgentlenessstablity. (That’s how I see it when I chant it—all as one word/breath like that.)

Now, for the next few weeks try saying your mantra at least 4 times a day:

1) Say your mantra upon waking up. The bedroom is the nest of your home. Speak these words into it and root your day in that emotional reality.

2) Say your mantra at the door when you return home and in your entry way. The door and entry are a symbol of welcome. Bath them in this emotional atmosphere – as a sign of welcome to yourself and your Soultribe.

3) Say your mantra when you sit down for dinner. The table is a symbol of hospitality and gathering. Wrap it in your good intentions by “setting” it with the gift of these words.

4) Say your mantra at bedtime. This layers the very place where you lay your head with these positive emotions and brings the day full circle. (If your mantra is very energizing, you may want to skip this time so it doesn’t disrupt your sleep.

Finally, say your mantra whenever you practice vesting your space, or whenever thoughts, dreams, or worries about your future Soultribe arrive.

Why it works

Now, this is not a researched answer or anything. It’s just my opinion based on personal experience. I think saying a mantra works in the following ways:

• It affects the way your brain is thinking about a given situation. Now you are not just a person lacking a tribe, but a person who is creating a sacred atmosphere for your Soultribe to gather. It literally changes your reality. I think it shifts something on the cognitive and the behavioral level. It’s good stuff!

• It solidifies your values to create a solid base on which to build something new, giving you more stability and confidence.

• It opens your eyes, heart, and thoughts to opportunities and possibilities. Gradually you will start noticing the resources that are in front of you, the intriguing people that are crossing your path, the articles that mentioned just what you needed to hear, and the dozens of kismet moments that cross your path. You tune in to what God and The Universe are doing.

Okay, so now we are two steps in towards creating our Soultribe. Please let me know how things are going: What’s working for you, and what’s not. What questions are coming up for you. What tools you are realizing you need in your kit. What unexpected tasks come up along the way. Together, we will find our way to our Motherland.

Yours on the Journey,

Rachelle

A few weeks ago Kazari sent in a question for Advice Girl. Kazari likes the idea of a Dreamboarding Circle, and she dug reading up on our soulcare community, Monkfish Abbey, back in the States. In the end her question boiled down to this:

So I guess the question that I have is, where can I find people like you in real life? Or, how do I go about helping such a community to grow in my own house?

Or, more basically, what do I do with this spiritual crisis I grew all by myself? I feel like I need a community to help sort it all out.

This is not the first time I’ve been asked this. It happens quite often. Even more often people write to me about how badly their church fits them, or how worn down they are from trying to find their spiritual “place.” Most of the time those folks resign themselves to one of two things: leaving, or staying somewhere that is a very poor fit – somewhere that pinches their toes, leaves blisters on their heels and keep them from reaching the mountain top because, damn it, their feet hurt too bad to climb on up there!

Soulsiblings, this is the year to build our tribes. No more wandering about on our own, or cramming ourselves into institution and ideologies that no longer fit. This, my friends, is not for us. It’s time to move on – or perhaps more precisely it’s time to move in: to move in to the territory that is truly our own, to put some holes in the wall and hang up our oil paintings, to stick pictures on the fridge. It’s time to make our souls at home.

In the upcoming weeks and months, I will be writing posts that in one way or another have to deal with forming your Soultribe. Grant it, they might be only tangentially related, and of course there will be rabbit trails along the way. But over all, this will be the theme.

So here’s your first assignment: make space for your tribe. Rites and rituals are powerful because they take an abstract idea and make it physical. When you can see, touch, smell, hear or taste your dream, it becomes solid, it becomes real. So make a physical space in your home for your Soultribe. How? Here are two suggestsions

Vest your space. Do something once each week, every week, for at least one month that communicates welcome and gathering to you. Maybe you stack the magazines and fluff the pillows every Monday. Maybe you bake a loaf of bread on Friday night. Perhaps you replace all the candles and light up the room on Sunday.

In liturgical traditions, before a priestess officiates at a service, she dons the robes and stoles of her office. This is called putting on her vestments. When you prepare a space for a holy purpose you vest your space – you prepare the space so that something sacred can get born. What very simple thing could you do as a one-month experiment in vesting your space?

Send an Invitation. Nothing anchors me into a new reality like building a shrine. I’ve made them to quiet my demons, to honor my anger, and to let go of my burdens. Most recently I made one as an invitation to my Soultribe. It consists of a dollhouse chair, a tea light, and my December dreamboard. It took about ten minutes. Well, a couple days of musing about it, then ten minutes to set it up. It’s on the window sill behind my desk and every time I sit down at my computer, I light the candle and as I blow out the match I see that breath as a whisper of welcome. I’m making space for whoever The Muse or The Universe wants to bring my way. (I’m so curious to see what happens!) What object symbolize tribe to you? What things communicate welcome and belonging? Where can you gather them to indicate your openness to the in-gathering that is to come?

What will you do to make space for your Soultribe? Let us know in the comments and put a picture up at our Soulshrine Flickr group.

Maggie Ann asks: My question is along these lines: What brought about the shift in your spiritual ideology? As it has shifted how have you reconciled it to those close to you who still follow your previous belief system?

Church stopped working for me. First sermons became meaningless. Then worship music stopped meaning anything. Prayer bottomed out — I felt like I was just worrying and pleading all the time.
Then…I fell in love with art. Jesus became more real to me – a real person with passions and errors and compulsion. I started seeing wisdom in other people’s belief system. People-who-were-not-Christians acted more Jesus-y than a lot of the Christian I knew. Loved lived in a thousand places.

(My NaNoWriMo project is a book about how this shift happens, how to survive it, and what to do next. Keep your fingers crossed!)

I don’t know if I’ve really “reconciled” with people from my former religious world. If you make this kind of post-religious leap, reconcilation may not be the goal so much as…um…peacekeeping? It’s more like we’ve made a pact to not debate each other. My general practice is to try and hold more than one truth in the same open palm. This is a key tenent of postmodernity. I don’t always manage to do this well, but it’s a goal of mine. I may not like what people who are close to me believe–or how they try to force those beliefs onto others–but I can give them space in this world to have their beliefs which differ from mine. I can even see the beauty in the old belief system when it works for the people I love (“praxis” again). When it doesn’t work, and people still feel obligated to force themselves into it—that makes me sad. I feel a lot of sorrow, and sometimes anger around this.

Jen P asks: Do you distinguish God (in you internal experience anyway) from your own intuition and if so, how?

Honestly, not really. I see my intuitive voice as the voice of the Spirit, who I like to call The Muse. Since I’ve been practicing trusting my intuitive wisdom more, I’ve learned to distinguish the energy of intuition from the energy of impulsiveness and/or panic. Initially these all felt the same to me. Intuitive knowledge has a lower, deeper hum to it. It feels more grounded – like a really solid tree pose in yoga. Panic or impulsiveness that is not rooted in wisdom feels more frantic and desperate. Intuition is compelling, not desperate.

Jennifer (a former Monkfisher) asks: What is your spiritual community like where you are now – are you finding soul friend?

I would say it’s in development. I don’t think the church we pop in and out of will ever be our main spiritual community. It’s sweet and the pastor is great, but we are only kind of clicking there. I like the liturgy and the ambience — except for the giant crucifix. The little Dreamboarding Circle that’s forming in our living room is quite nice, and I can see some soul friendships forming there. A lot of my community – spiritual and otherwise—is on line these days, which I’m not accustomed to, but I’m enjoying it right now. I’m kind of enjoying the solitude right now.

MotherHenna asks: When a grief comes, how does it affect you? Has your ability to process and integrate grief and joy, love and loss been affected/shifted by a) being an expat and/or b) you changing spiritual beliefs? If you could teach someone else anything about the experience of grief, what would that lesson be?

I love how Kara sandwhiches the questions about living abroad and changing spiritual beliefs between two questions about grief. She’s really been paying attention! (Thanks Mother Henna!)

Grief comes in waves. You can’t just sit down and process it all out, then move on. It comes and goes, flares suddenly, then slips away. It’s tricksy, that grief.

Grief affects me in a strong physical way. I get a lot of tension on the soft palate of my mouth and in my throat. Because of this I’ve been known to describe grief as “ a wolf at my throat.” I have to swallow a lot. My chest feels heavy and I have certain sensation sort of under my ribs at my diaphragm that I can’t quite explain. Emotionally, I get very quiet and very sad. Physcially I tend to hold my body small and still. When I’m grieving I often find myself sobbing –a very primal sobbing. This especially hits me late at night. I often get frozen creatively when I am grieving. Usually I just have to pay attention to grief, give it my tithe of tears, and wait for it to pass.

I’m more present to both grief and joy now that I live abroad. There are less distractions here, and less obligations, so both grief and joy loom larger. I don’t know that the change in my spiritual beliefs have effective my experience of grief or joy in particular. Anger though, that’s another story…

The graduate school I attended was very attentive to grief. I learned a lot there about paying attention and giving grief its due, because grieving and mourning are so important to the healing process. The two things I most often teach people about grief are:

1) it comes in waves not stages. Just as you can’t know when a rouge wave might knock you off your feet at the beach, nor can you know when grief will swell. Pay attention when it comes. Let is receed when it’s done.

2) In regards to grief that is associated with a death, I often tell people that you never ‘get over’ a loss like the death of a loved one (or other kinds of death.) A loss creates a hole in the ground. In time, the soil starts to erode back in and the edges soften, but you never ‘get over it.’ Instead you learn to live a new way, with this space as one part of your life’s whole.

Next set of Q’s with thier A’s: life goals and other quirks…

This is my dreamboard for September’s full moon.

I believe: time around the dinning table is sacred; lighting candles on the windowsill is ritual; a flock of friends in a cozy home is essential.

Since moving to Denmark 9 months ago we have been lonely. A lot of our time has been spent adjusting to a new culture and just learning our way around, so at first we were okay with the solitude. Hiding out with our nuclear family was sort of novel and refreshing those first few weeks, but now it’s “ikke sa godt.” (not so good.) When we first came here I was burned out from over-hosting — too many dishes, too many personalities, too much dirt tracked across the living room floor. It was good to rest for awhile. But now we are ready to gather a little flock in our home. Flock gathering is kind of my superpower.

We are accustomed to being the hub for friendly gatherings, and I have sent out an invitation for monthly gatherings in our home through the Fall and Winter. I’ve also invited a group of women to come dreamboard around my dinning room table each month. Monday is our first one and I made a dreamboard in advance, because I know my hostessing energy will be too bustle-y to make mine on the actualy night. So here it is — my dream of a tiny flock of lovlies in a cozy home. The words on the left are in Danish and mean “welcome,” “sacred,” and “cozy.” You can see the whole thing better here.

Well, shall we say “Amen, let it be so”? I think so. I do indeed.