Thankfully Nikki Di Virgilio of The Soul Reporter is here with a guest post for us today; and it’s full to the brim about the mysteries behind Resistance, and some tools to keep it from happening.

Kids and The Resistance Epidemic
by Nikki Di Virgilio

How many times have we told our kids to do something and they either refuse, or do so with a constant whiney tune, of I don’t want to and why do I have to.  The request can be something as simple and mediocre as wiping the table, and yet they put up a fight.  It’s frustrating, and causes tension between our kids and us.  Depending on the severity of the resistance in our household, this tension over time can create an isolating and perhaps even numbing relationship, which is damaging to both parent and child. 

Resistance is defined as: the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.  Unfortunately resistance is our first response to almost any that comes our way. This is often the same for our children.

The word “power” is in the very definition of resistance. Resistence itself  is a power struggle between parent and child. Once we enter this planet, we are instantly faced with the power struggle of balancing the demands upon our minds, bodies and souls. We have to breathe on our own.  We have to eat to live.  We have to sleep to function and be well.  These are required and necessary things.  But then we get older, and there are more requirements. And these requirements often do not align with the truth of who we are and what we seek.  School demands we pay attention, not chew gum, not wear our hair a certain way, be smart, be happy, learn, and agree with what is being taught. Then society demands we look and act in a certain way. As do our parents. 

Consciously or unconsciously our children are absorbing all of these little and big demands all the time. It is no surprise they are resisting!  We are energetic beings, here to unfold the purpose of our soul.  We are not machines, which comply with the buttons being pushed–although we can, and often do. However, most of us don’t want to, especially the young ones who are coming to our planet right now.  They are different, and leading us on a new course, which is more properly aligned with our soul.

 What lessons and tools can we use to help our children grow beyond Resistance? 

 Lesson #1 : Teach cooperation.  Cooperation means working or acting together for a common purpose and benefit. No matter the age of our children, they will respond positively with this larger idea of cooperation. They often like to help and be a part of something bigger. We just have to show how valuable it is, and determine the common purpose. 

For example, maybe mom is making a special treat, but she also has lots of work to do around the house.  Mom would like to get that work done, before she makes the treat, and to do this, she needs help.  The common purpose is for the treat to be made so everyone can enjoy it. Therefore, everyone must help with the duties around the house.  They might still resist and complain, but if we continue to invite moments where we show and teach the value of working together for a common goal, eventually they will come to understand its value, and reward.

Hey, and for parents with young ones- you know Barney’s clean up song, right?  Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share.  Make cooperating fun- create a song, whistle while you work. 

Lesson #2: Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do(This comes from Denzel Washington.  Thanks Denzel.) When our kids get caught in the energy of resistance, it is difficult for them to see the greater purpose of whatever requirement that has come their way. We can help by giving them the perspective of doing what they have to do so they can do what they want to do. 

My oldest daughter, Alyssa is a senior in high school. She has dreams and plans of going to California after she graduates to continue her studies and gain experience as an actor.  Through all of her years in school she has been an A/B student. However, last year she had to take the MCA test.  She did not pass the test by two points, and now has to take it again, plus take a class to help prepare for it.  She hasn’t been happy about this at all. 

To move to a deeper and more resilient place, I remind her passing this test, no matter how unfair she or I thinks it is, it is what needs to be done so she can graduate and get on with what she wants to do, which is go to LA and pursue her talent. I also plant the seed of being receptive to the lesson of this experience.  What is it showing her?  What character traits might she develop by embracing this requirement to graduate?

Speaking of being receptive….

Tool #1: Model Receptivity. The best way to teach receptivity is to be an example of it.  Being receptive means having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.  How are you at being receptive?  Do you complain about what’s coming at you, or do you receive what’s coming to you, taking it as a lesson to be learned, and an opportunity to be stretched?  How open and flexible you are, will determine how your children respond to you and the world outside, and inside of them. 

Remember we are energetic beings, and our children are more connected to this truth than we are.  They often resist the energy we are carrying, which brings us to our next tool.  What is our intention when we require something from our children? What energy are we running? Are we coming from a place of control or respect?  Openness, or an expectation of conflict? 

Tool #2: Request & Ask, Don’t Demand. If we are coming from a place of expecting there to be conflict because that is what we are used to when we want our children to do something, then we will run a tight and constricted energy pattern, which may cause us to act as dictators demanding instead of cooperators requesting. Remember we are energy. Therefore, they may not be resisting “wiping the table.” Instead it may be the energy we are transmitting that they are resisting.

I understand the tight and constricted energy, as my youngest daughter Lilli and I have had lots of tension between us.  She demands with her drama and intense energy that I dig deeper and parent in a more mindful and loving way, and I have been resisting. However, I have moments with her that are open and easy, where no constrictive patterns are in place, and if they are, they aren’t able to sustain in the grace which is present.

On one such occasion, I wanted Lilli to do something.  Instead of forcing my agenda upon her because I expected conflict, I simply told her what my request was, and asked if it was ok.  It was powerful exchange.  There was no hesitation or resistance from her whatsoever and I felt as though we were two old souls respectfully and mindfully engaging and cooperating with one another.  Although I have yet to enter this space again, I know these moments can be more frequent, if we allow our agendas and resistances to melt away in the space of grace and honor of one another. 

Creating this space is possible when we develop the mindset which comes from the famous poem by Kahlil Gibran- Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. We forget this because our society has a limited belief, which says the opposite, that our children are ours to dictate to and put our agendas upon, but this simply isn’t true. They are souls, here on their own journey, and picked us as their teachers and guides.  What an amazing opportunity for us. 

The challenge, of course is staying in this space of receptivity and higher wisdom.  To do so we must be mindful of our intentions, and the agendas we may be putting upon them. If our intention is about respect and honor, and not control, cooperation will win.  Coming from cooperation, our agendas will dissipate, and we will trust they will do the “right” thing and cooperate.  This will allow us to hold a more gentle space when speaking to them, where we request and ask, and not demand.  

Which brings us to….

Tool #3: Allow for Space~ Mantra and Meditation. Maybe resistance in our children is a symptom of overwhelm.  Maybe they are tired, and when they whine and resist, they are saying I feel so safe with you this is my way of letting you know, Mom, Dad, please listen and help me.  I need a break. I need some space to be me

We are busy people on this planet. Life moves fast.  The culture is stuck in a perpetual pattern of more is better and constant movement means we are looking productive and useful.  All I want to say to this is- STOP.  There is a time for movement, and a time for space, for just being.  If we allow for this type of space and not have every minute superficially controlled, our children can breathe and have moments of remembering who they are, and why they are here.  Then we can better support their awakening and expressive journey.  What an amazing opportunity we have!  

One way we can facilitate space, is to teach a mantra and meditation.  A mantra can be sound, phrase or word, as simple as the word breathe, which can be said repeatedly while in the midst of resistance, mindless chatter and overwhelm in the brain. Meditation, a longer version of a mantra offers space between a stimulus and response as well.  Our children are never too young to learn these methods.  And if this doesn’t’ resonate, intentionally allow for space for them to just be- with no television, video games, or other distractions.  Less outer stimuli, means more authentic, inner stimuli so they can be who they are meant to be. 

I suggest you do this for yourself too.  The space you create inside yourself will give you an energy your children will not resist.  But it is going to take a commitment, and perhaps a shift in intention from parenting in angst and obligation to parenting from a spiritual perspective and duty. Here we become watchers of our children, noticing their resistances and where they get stuck. When we notice, we guide them through it with wisdom and trust, so their soul’s journey continues to unfold.  We must allow space for this journey, and the best space is in the home. 

Resistance is one of those large monsters we face on our spiritual journey  but with some education, investigation and willingness to expand inside ourselves, we can create enough space so we can feel the resistance and cooperate anyway.

Nikki Di Virgilio is a mother of two girls, a homemaker, and a keen investigator of  the spiritual journey.  She blogs at  The Soul Reporter  and  The Inspired Homemaker. She also educates and facilitates the awakening journey to individuals and groups.  For more information about her services, contact her at Nikki’s Sacred Space.

As I listened from a vaguely discreet distance, there was a tone in his voice and a certain lean to his body that I recognized. This particular combo is what he uses when he’s trying to convince someone that he’s doing what they want him to do. But it’s a little tricky because it’s also the tone and posture he uses when he’s trying something on for size—sort of sussing out if he really believes what he’s saying, seeing if what he’s thinking of is really a good fit for him. I like it when he does this. I think it’s really wise. It makes me proud.

Later he and I were able to talk this college thing out a bit over breakfast. (These things always go better over a breakfast burrito.) It became clear that while he’s aware that most of the parental-types in his life would like to see him in college at some point, he wasn’t just blowing smoke at us when he mentioned the college catalogs. He really is interested in the possibility of taking some course — he’s just not sure how to do college his own unconventional way. He doesn’t want to get trapped on some horrid jump-through-the-hoops, school-debt, hamster wheel from hell. In short, he’s trying to figure out how to make college work for him, instead of the other way around.

See, I told you he was smart.

This got me to thinking about all the courses I slogged through and hated, and all the books I bought and never used. It was a lot of waste. So here, in retrospect are my Magpie Girl’s Tips for College Courses.

 1. Take Eclectic Classes. At most schools you can attend “non-matriculated”-meaning you don’t have to be accepted into a specific program to take a course in the program. Use this to your advantage. Skip the pre-requisites as much as possible, and try out a handful of varied topics that intrigue you. (The 19yo’s short list? Math, Logic, Epistemology.)

2. Don’t Throw the Baby out with the Bath Water. The problem with first year classes, is that they are first-year classes. The prof is underpaid, half of his/her students don’t want to be there, and quite frankly, neither do they. NOT ALL CLASSES ARE LIKE THAT. Don’t give up. Try the one down the hall.

3. Don’t Buy the Books. If possible (and it will depend on the class) sit in on at least the first class session (or 2, or 3) before you buy the books. You want to be able to walk away with your bank account unscathed. If you can tell the class is the wrong fit for you early on, then you’ve saved yourself some money. Also, save your receipts. Selling books back at the end of the term will get you far less than half the price of what you paid for them in September. And try BigWords.com or Half.com for discounted textbooks.

4. Transfer. If you don’t like a class, change it. Understand your school’s rules about the deadlines for changing courses. You usually have a week or so to swap courses if you change your mind. Some schools let you change one or two courses for free, but even a small fee is better than a semester in a course that’s not right for you. At big schools pre-requisite freshmen courses are sometimes taught in multiple sessions with different lecturers or TA’s. Don’t like yours? Sit in on a different session and see if someone else is a little less sleep inducing.

5. Be Independent. If you parent’s can’t help you pay for college, consider filing for taxes as an independent. This will mean your parent’s can’t “claim” you on their taxes and won’t get to have you as a deduction, so talk it out with them. But if it’s just you and your McJob salary on the FASA application, you’ll probably get a better financial aid package.

6. Think about Community Colleges. If you travel off the beaten path, a straight-up four year school might not be for you. Back in the day, community colleges were called “Junior College” and had a “lesser than” stigma attached to them. Now, many Community Colleges are functioning like charter school, specializing in niche programs like graphic design, or early childhood education. Some are hidden gems, offering fine-tune training at lower prices and with less competition than the universities. They’re also a less expensive place to explore. Also, new professors often get their first gigs at community colleges and can shine with newbie enthusiasm.

7. Consider Non-Traditional Schools. Grade-free schools and/or those with self-designed programs like Reed College (Oregon) or Evergreen College (Washington) or UC Santa Cruz (California) are also great starting out, or transfer schools. Just because you don’t like structure doesn’t mean you won’t like college.

8. Do it Slow. There’s no need to go into debt and finish in four years. Part-time is fine—even preferable—as it gives you more time to build a resume, experiment with subjects you like, and earn-along. (So much more preferable than big loans! Remember, you may be a social worker and not a MBA when you’re done!)

In short, explore. You’re already on your path. Enjoy it!

What tips to do you have for college-aged kids young adults who don’t follow the beaten path? What do you wish you had a “do over” on from your college days? Tell us in the comments below, and add to the Giant Pool of Wisdom,  forming now.

Mom and Cate on a happier day.

Cate just dumped the bowl of top ramen she was making for herself all over the kitchen. The hot water hurt, but didn’t seriously burn her hand. 

People, I am here to admit that I could barely manage to be nice to her. It’s hard to be nice when the kitchen is covered in ramen and the child who spilt it has NOT STOPPED COMPLAINING about what she could and couldn’t have for snack since she got home from school 45 minutes ago!!

Okay parenting friends, I need some help. It’s time to admit that my nine year old is driving me up the wall. She pouts day and night. Slumps her shoulders when asked to do something. Complains about every small chore she is asked to do. Her biggest complaint? “When I am playing you ask me to do stuff.”

She is all resistance all the time. Nothing is “fair.” She doesn’t want to wake up for school. She doesn’t want to eat what I fix for breakfast. She cries if I tell her to pick up the pace a little (she has plenty of time, she just lollygags.)

But…the teachers report that at school she is all smiles. When friends are here she is very happy (unless she is asked to “press pause” on the play to do a small chore.) And when Mom is not around, say, when Dad is in charge? Perfect Behavior.

I miss the sunny, giggly child that used to spend time with me. I don’t want our relationship to be that of strife and strain. I feel sad about the distance that is building between us. I don’t like feeling that I don’t want to spend time with my child. And I’m worried about the deeper thing that is making her so unhappy and resistant.

Help! Is this a nine year old thing? Am I just getting “played” as the softie mom? Do I need to be more of a tough ass? When I don’t want to spend time with her and do extra-nice things with her, is the counter-intuitive answer to spend MORE time with her? Or is that just rewarding bad behavior?

I need the Giant Pool of Wisdom to help me out here folks. Give me your best advice for parenting a nine-year-old.

p.s. Cate gave me permission to ask for help from the blogosphere. Something the 11yo would never allow these days! :-)

It’s back to school season with the last of the schools in the U.S. starting up after this Labor Day weekend comes to a close. Children are trying on outfits, putting their names on backpacks and picking out new lunchboxes. But beyond the ritual of buying schools supplies, what can you do to create a sacred space around going back to school?

Starting a new grade is a big rite of passage for children — one that more often than not goes by unnoticed. In the flutter, hurry and relief(!) of finally getting those kids back in school, busy parents don’t have a lot of time to mark the moment. So here are 3 easy ways to honor the back to school process.

1. Special Breakfast. For many years I had a habit of making the children a special breakfast for the first day of school. The food wasn’t that fancy, just French toast and orange juice usually. But I made a special effort to set the table nicely, maybe with flowers or pretty napkins. I left a note on each of their plates with an affirmation for the year — my hopes for them that season. “May you make friends who love and respect you.” Or “This year – long division with ease!” Other options: a scripture verse to guide the year, or a favorite quote or poem about growing up, challenges, or surprises.

2. Growth Spurt: Many people have a practice of taking a photo of their children on the first day of school. Why not take it in front of something that can measure their changing height as the grow — say, with the same door frame in the background, or the swingset poles besides them. When they come home from school the first day, lay all the photos out in a row on the coffee table and let them celebrate how much they’ve grown.

3. Dreamboards. This year for back to school I made a collage for each of my girls with my hope for their learning experiences this year (both in and out of school.) I’m hoping that Cate will learn to love reading just a little bit more. (Time to give in and start buying graphic novels.) And my dream for Eden is that she discover ways to challenge her learning (even in the laid-back Danish skole system.) Both girls loved their pictures and we’ve hung them in the entry hall to keep those dreams fresh in our minds. This practice is especially nice because you can do it even if the kids’ first day has already passed

What do you do to celebrate the first day of school. What ritual or practice do you use to mark this rite of passage?

I struggle to live in the moment. So often I am casting my gaze back in regret and longing, or throwing myself forward in to future worries. I know it’s healthiest for me to live mostly in the Now. But to the Now I feel foreign born, and like an adopted child returning to the place of her birth, I must work a little harder to feel at home on what is truly my native land.

I notice this most when Summer fades to Fall, and the days begin to shorten. I start missing the Light even before she is gone. Start longing for her while she is yet by my side. And in doing so I waste the last long rays of her presence.

This then is my attempt to stay with her, to stay present as long as she is still here.  To remain alert to her companionship. To “…follow the day and reach for the sun.”Later when she is gone, these images may hold her near to me a little longer yet, until she gently moves my hand from her hers, pats my shoulder, and tells me to lean into the next season until she returns.  

 How do you stay present to the edge of this season? What will you need to transition into the next?

Did you know you could fly?

Yes you, with the middle-aged greys springing out of your ponytail…

You with the quarter-life crisis and the world as your oyster…

You with Junior High staring at you from the business end of a double barrel…

You can soar, if only you will bend your knees and leap into the great unknown.

True, the next day, you may fly in a metal tube for 9hours with your broken ankle in temporary cast, and ice from the airplane galley packed around your leg. But you will know in your core  that for those clear sparkling moments you were Icarus triumphant. And, when you are old, you will remember those glorious seconds aloft with clarity; while the throb in your bones will be but a faint memory, calling to mind not a fall, but a flight.

“In life you will come to a great chasm. Jump.”  -J.Conrad

_________________

Cate as her pirate alter-ego, One-Eyed Jan, ready to defend her booty.

What the adorable offspring said:

“Mommy, why don’t you do something with me? All you ever do in Denmark is chores and work on the computer. And now all you are doing on our vacation is the computer!”

What actually happened the preceeding three weeks, when I did plenty of chores, but DID NOT WORK AT ALL.:

- trips to the homemade ice cream place
- daily swims in the ocean
-not one, not two, but three birthday celebrations
-kayaking by moonlight to watch fireworks explode over the Puget Sound
-letting the children swim–fully clothed– at 10pm
-tie-dying 7 kidlet t-shirts
-massive pirate-hunt with real buried treasure
-Eatin’ Eyeball hunt with a toy surprise in the pack
-approximately one million breakfasts, second breakfasts, lunches, snacks, dinners, and desserts
-4,000 tolerant hours of Sponge Bob Square Pants, ICarly and SYTYCDance
-numerous convertible rides
-making dreamboard collages with the cousins
-kite flying….

There’s more, but I forget. Still, I felt totally guilty for several hours while I tip tapped typed away that day. Oh those blue eyes, they are deadly.

What kid tactic really gets your parenting guilt goat? Tell us (and how you combat it) in the comments below. “Ain’t nobody going anywhere but together!”

 For the first time ever, Eden has asked that I NOT post her annual birthday letter on my blog. So in lieu of all that mushy goodness…this is she, and she is lovely.

Cate’s year of adventures, starting with the amusement park Tivoli in Copenhagen.

Dear Catie,

This morning when I woke up I was chewing, chewing, chewing away about what to write to you for this your Number Nine Birthday.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how Mama and Grandpa like to tease you about getting so grown up. I always say, “Catie! Who told you you could grow up so fast!” And Grandpa says you have to stay 8 another year because he missed your Number 8 year while you were in Denmark. (At least he’s “letting” you turn 9 when we celebrate all the cousins’ birthdays next week!)

But you know what Cate? I don’t think it’s very nice of us to tease you so. You are great at every age!

©       We loved you when you were one second old and crying softly in the operating room.

©       We loved you when you were Baby Cate and your tiny little tushy never touched the ground because no one ever wanted to put you down.

©       We loved you when you were a toddler and said such funny things like “I am getting fwusterated” and “I got distwacked” and “That’s ig-GUSTING!” and “I NOT yelling. I cweaming. You know, CWEAMING!!!!”

©       We loved you when you started school and uncovered your Superpower of being the Worlds Friendliest Child.

©       And we love you now when you are still just the right fit for a cuddle, but getting so big and independent as well.

Every age and stage of life is full and good things and challenges. And just because we love your little self so, we shouldn’t make you think there’s not fantastic stuff ahead in your bigger and bigger girl self. Because baby, there is some good stuff waiting for you this year. Nine is just fine!

This year you did so many big kid things! You learned Danish, a language so hard even Mama can’t learn it – yet you speak it like a pro. Danish grownups always say how perfect your accent is! And you’ve made friends from all over the world: Danish pals like Sara and Sidse, Mia from China, and dear, sweet Johanna from Estonia. You get to do a lot more independent things now, like taking the dog out by yourself or riding your bike to the library with Eden. You even get to walk to the train station to meet Daddy for dinner at McDonalds! Woah!  I don’t think I got to do any of that stuff until I was at least 10 – and that was in the old days when kids got to do that stuff younger. You are really doing great on the responsibility thing Cate!

I hope you will always remember your wonderful year of adventures: riding the double-decker bus in London; drawing the David in your sketch book in Italy; learning about old fashioned skole in Sweden; and picking up pebbles from the Berlin Wall in Germany. And don’t forget the Towers and Dome Tour of Europe with Eden and Daddy! I wonder how many steps you three have climbed to get to the top of the world?

I know this birthday summer here on the island with Giggy, Bompa and the cousins is going so fantastic for you. I’m so glad you get to start Year Nine off in such a beautiful place. I hope the peacefulness of this place – the still morning waters, the long glowing sunsets, and the hush of the rustling trees—sinks down deep inside you and fills you up for when times are not-so-easy. And I know you will be filled up to the top with joy as you run around with your sister and cousins: going out in the double kayak with Preston, building forts and hunting for treasure with Noah and Luke, and showing Jilly and Amelia all the best places to find crabs. Not to mention all the fun that is waiting for us still with the big Chapman cousins in Chicago. (Oh, Mommy cannot stand to look when y’all have Danger Adventures with the big boys! “Do you know you are very strong?”)

I love you Cate Shalom, and I’m so proud of my growing-up “Baby Cate.”

Lots of Love,

Mama

Cate loves collage, drawing, cooking, giggling and screaming. She celebrated her birthday with mocktails, sushi, and a Costco cake that could feed approximately 3,000. She is having 5 birthday parties this year in 2 countries, 3 cities, and 4 houses. You can celebrate her for hours here and here.

Delicious Baby’s Photo Friday this week was an ask for travel photos with kids. We’ve are traveling all over Europe with our two grade schoolers and the experience is fantastic. I couldn’t pick just one photo, so I gathered all the kid photos up in one Flickr file here. Most of the photos have a little story attached. Have a bon voyage with us!

You can find more of Catie’s masterpieces here or here.

In Seattle our soulcare community, Monkfish Abbey, made a lovely shrine together. It started as an experiment in creating some sort of sacred center that everyone in our circle could feel connected to — something that would celebrate all of our varied beliefs. Neil made it out of a dresser drawer and over the years we filled it with flowers, leaves, stones, notes, treasures, photos, collages, incense and candles. My favorite way to interact with the shrine was to clean it out and freshen it up each season with new symbols from the natural world. When we moved, I left our beautiful glowing red shrine back in Seattle. I didn’t know if we’d have a living room big enough to hold it, and it felt as though it belonged to the house and the community more than it belonged to me.

A few months after we arrived in Denmark, someone in the building across the street moved out and left a funny little box on the corner with the rest of the ‘give away’ stack. I rescued it in the hopes of making a new shrine. It moved from one place another in our house, and tried filling it with this and that. But it wasn’t until our Autumn Equinox Chili Fest that it finally came together. (what we do here, recipes here). It is now filled with:

- St. Catherine of Alexandria’s card from last year’s zine
- an incense burner Emily and Iz brought back from Greece
- a pretty glass jar from Helene, and another from Yan, Kim, and Mia (a blended Danish/Chinese family)
-apples and berries from dear Barbra and Ron, ex-pats from S. Africa (they also brought me a hard-to-find butternut squash!)
-a stone from Sharon and Bruce’s dream trip from France, found at the foot of the Eiffle Tower
-little tags with words of gratitude
- the battery operated lights I bought for the ill-fated Winter Solstice tent of ’06, now redeemed.

It’s coming together quite well now. Meaning and memories are seeping in. As Iz would say, “Melikesee.”

< How do you create sacred space for you home? What tiny objects are like holy vessels to you? Do tell!