a photo of a circus page in the shared journal Jen and I passed back and forth the last time we were blocked

I was so good about advance-posting things for while I was on vacation, and now that I’m back I’ve barely had time to touch the key board. The kids are bored with thier toys and feeling twitchy about the upcoming transition back to school. I’m longing for some studio time but loath to say goodbye to the few sunny days we’ve had this season in Seattle. Does anyone else find the last two weeks of “school’s out” a bit trying? What’s your solution? Post ideas below!

I did manage to happen upon a fun summer read while on vacation, and offer it to you now as twlight read for the dog days of Summer. Check out my review of Water for Elephants over at Magpie Suggests — and enter to win your very own copy! (Ooooo, I love give aways!)

wind and wave made beach sculpture at twin rocks. for more pics from rockaway beach click here.

We are off to our rented hideaway on Rockaway Beach, Oregon. I’ve set up some posts to go up automatically while I’m away, including this retroactive post from my stay here last summer while I was on writing retreat with Jen. Reading this helps me to breathe easier. May it bring a peaceful sigh to you as well.

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8.16.06

My body is still warm from the bed, which is so soft and heavy with quilts that it holds me like a cupped hand. I have taken in as much sleep as I can absorb. It is nearly nine and the quiet of a solitary house surrounds me – there’s only just the hum of the refrigerator for company.

Today there will be blackberry muffins and a walk on the beach and discoveries all unto myself. A cottage day on Rockaway Beach.

This is where I’ll be this weekend, playing in the field of zines. I stumbled upon this collection of misfit self-publishers while surfing just days ago, and my loyal hubby immediately agreed to stop for two days on our way to the Oregon coast. I’ll be shilling my ode-to-summer zine, Tweet, and Jen’s get-inspiried Beginnings, along with a handful of other handmades. I’m also excited to to be interviewing zine mama Artnoose of KerBloom. (”Ain’t no press like letterpress!”) Anyone else in town who wants to have lunch at the symposium?

It’s Thursday and one of the last lovely days of camp, wherein my children are gone from my care for a whopping six hours a day. This means that I can skitter off to my studio and try to make heads or tails out of all the ideas, business cards, and dreams that have infiltrated my being since BlogHer ‘07. Sadly, today I am waylaid by yet another day of killer untreatable migraines. (Day 3 of level 7 pain.) I worked through the pain the last two days, but I don’t think I’m going to make it today. I’m typing in bed right now with one of those old fashioned ice bags balanced on my head. Ice on your head by 9am is not a good sign. I really hope I’m not complete laid out flat by the time Paul gets home from work. It’s so sucky for him to have to be single parent man night after night.

What makes this round of migraines particularly disheartening is that it is drop dead gorgeous outside – high 70’s/low 80’s with a lovely little breeze and sun as far as the eye can see. We’ve been waiting all Summer for this kind of weather, and where am I when it hits? Behind the shades in my attic bedroom wrapped in ice and darkness. Ugh.

Well, the least I can do is jot down the absolutes that have come do me as I’ve let the post-BlogHer idea-fest percolate in my brain:

- I want to be the priestess of special events: weddings, births, coming-of-age, deaths, high holy days, etc. I’d like to make a business of this, and although I already have a master’s degree from a good seminary, I think I may do something like this as well. (Although Jen says I need to do doula and hospice training to heal my inner self from all the trauma of Simeon’s stillbirth and my other two shitty birth experiences. Jen’s attitude is “something healing this way comes.” And mine is, “Yeah….whatever.”)

-I want to get paid to write about these things – though books, articles, and as a paid blogger. (Anyone ready to hire?  )

-I want my writing-and-art-making life to be connected to my spirituality.

In order to make these things a bigger priority, I’ve learned that there are a few things I need to change or do:

-I can’t lead a weekly spirituality group any longer because my energy for spiritual practices is focused on special events, not weekly gatherings…. and because it demands too much of my writing time.

- I do not want to take any ol’ paid blogging gig – only something that has to do with spirituality/soulcare.

Okay, I think those are the big epiphanies. I’ve been all over the map lately, goal-wise, and I feel like I’m starting to regain some focus again. ‘Though I’m sure I’ll remain distracted by sparkly things for some time to come. Oh, and one more idea:

-I want to produce a “small is beautiful” art-zine/guide for small bloggers. (Oooooh! Pretty! And also very soulcare-ish!)

Oh goodie, now the Blue Angels are practicing for their weekend extravaganza by doing fly-bys over my rooftop. How can something be simultaneously so amazing (precision formations! technical skill!) and so depressing (fuel consumption! military recruitment!)?

Well dear ones, do pray for me. Let’s all hope that Jen is right, “something healing this way comes.”

For those of you who attended the BlogHer session “Its not your size, it’s your passion that matters” I did today with Jen Lemen and Krystyn Heide, here’s some ideas for dealing with the Small Bloggers Blues

1. Take a break from your site meter
2. Redefine success for yourself. List all things your blog does for you (fosters gratitude in your life, helps you hone your craft, organizes your thoughts…)
3. Write yourself an affirmation. I like this one: “My story matters.”
4. Reach out to another small blogger. Take this feeling that you have about being discouraged or not “not mattering” and take it as a cue that you need to reach out to others who are feeling the same
5. Join the SMALL IS BEAUTIFUL google group. (I’ll link to it when it is available.)
6. Follow an comment you like back to the commenter’s blog you’ll probably find an inspirational read from someone who shares your values.
7. Tag your posts with your name (or nom de plume) and your blog name so like minded souls can find you.
8. Remind yourself that you are writing for an audience of one. Make yourself a sticker that says “I heart authenticity.”

My nephew, Ulysees, sporting my Magpie Girl swag on his bulging muscles.

Hello Lovelies! How nice you’ve all been to me lately with links and kudos and encouragement. I do so appreciate you! My comments somehow caught the flu and forgot to call in sick. I discovered a hidden treasure trove of messages waiting unannounced in my moderation queue — some dating back to July 11th! I hope none of you even dreamed that I would refuse to answer the door when you came knock, knock, knocking. It was entirely technical difficulties, my dears, and now we are back in business.

Paul and I are in Chicago visiting a vast sea of cousin playmates. On Thursday we’ll abandon our girls to their grandparents and skitter downtown to play at BlogHer. We have adjacent rooms with Jen and her sister, Kristen, so it will be all red wine and dark chocolates all the time at our pad. I can’t wait to meet my virtual blogging pals IRL, including Elaine and Jennifer, and of course my partner in crime, Jen. Have you seen her just-in-time-for-blogger product? Dreamy! I do wish Leonie could be there from across the waters, and my nearby neighbor Shari, along with my priestessy friends Rose and Christine. We shall simply have to drink a toast in your honor dear ones!

Jen, Kristen, and I are big believers that small is beautiful, so we are filling our pockets for BlogHer. Will you be there? Come find us for perfectly tiny treasures. Well be the ones laughing our asses off in the hotel bar…

the jen’s (lemen and payne) and i

When I graduated from my semi-conservative Christian college, a lot of people, including myself, followed up the graduation kegger with a wedding chaser. During this heady time, I would go to weddings full of optimism and cheerful resolve. (And to pick up tips for my own upcoming nuptials.) Surely, I thought as hopeful heady vows were exchanged, these people would be together FOREVER. In my naiveté I thought all you had to do was put your will into it and everything would work out all right. I never considered that as all we young one’s grew up, we might also grow apart. It never occurred to me that just a year or two into these marriages men might decide to stray, women might give up, things might become insurmountable. No, these pessimistic thoughts were not to be had by this bride-to-be. I was caught up in the hoopla and the fairy tale, hook line and sinker.

Back then almost everyone I knew who got married at 21 was divorced by 25. I remember one after-graduation wedding where the length of time it took the bride to hand-emboss 200 wedding invitation was longer than the entire duration of her marriage. Another post-college bride was heard to say three years after her marriage, ‘Even when I was walking down the aisle I knew it was a mistake.’ And my ex-boyfriend who so jubilantly said of his bride “The minute I said, “I do” I knew we’d be together forever”? Sadly, he was divorced by the time I finished graduate school.

Weddings can be scary things. We make very big promises – like promising to be together throughout eternity. Or promising to always keep our spouse before all others. (This particular promise usually goes out the door the minute a baby arrives and lands firmly in the catbird’s seat.) In my humble and oft-changing opinion, vows are a very serious thing and couples often take them far too lightly. This is not because we do not promise enough, but because often we promise too much – far more than anyone could reasonably be expected to deliver.

When Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt got married I remember reading in some magazine that they promised to stay together “as long as we are able to to” (or something along those lines), and she promised to “always make him banana milkshakes.” At the time I thought these were ridiculously shallow vows, capable of only holding meaning in some place like Hollywood. But now I wonder if there isn’t a wee bit of wisdom in making our wedding vows a little less romantic (in the broad sense of the term) and a little more practical. I don’t mean to say that wedding vows should be written so as to make marriages disposable. But I do think they could stand a little scrutiny and just a little more reality.

This weekend I was Jen’s date at the wedding of her dear friend Josué and her new friend Nicole. Although I only know these two in the most cursory of ways, it doesn’t take long for anyone to see this is the kind of couple that walks around with a general sheen of romance. They beam, they glow, they are ridiculously good looking – but the wonder of it all is that they do all these things while being clear-eyed and honest. From what I’ve heard, Josué and Nicole dated a good long while and took things one measured step at time. When they wrote their vows they were intentionally aware of what they were saying. Both were attentive to whether or not they were starting out with promises that would ensure each person equality in their relationship — which was both refreshing and wise. Together they wrote vows that were hopeful, meaningful, and romantic. But their vows were also realistic, recognizing the challenges which somewhere along the line were bound to rock their blissful matrimonial boat. My favorite bit? When they promised to be with each other in “success and in failure.” That’s the kind of promise that is both clear eyed and hopeful, that’s something someone could believe in.

It made me feel better, and more hopeful, to witness a wedding where romance and practicality could meet. So thanks Josué and Nicole, for reminding that yes, even in this day and age people do get married, and yes, it is just possible that it could last forever.

Woo Hoo! I just got invited to be on a panel at BlogHer ‘07! Jen and I will be on a panel she suggested entitled: It’s your passion, not your size that matters. (Hmmmmm….that just may be true about more than just blogs…) Oh, but won’t we have fun!

There’s still time to sign up for the great BlogHer gathering in Chicago, July 27th-29th. Why come to BlogHer? Well, to meet friends who up until now have been invisible, to network with other blog based business people, to hone your technical skills at the Deeply Geeky track, to meet great writers, and….oh, I’m sure we can organize a late night nosh chocolates and wine in one of our hotel rooms. See the BlogHer button on the right…go click it!

P.S. Thanks Jen, for suggesting me to the organizers!

In her fabulous initial Zine, Jen Lemen reminded us that it’s a good plan to write a mondo beyond list for the universe to take care of. Here’s my list of stuff that I need less of, but which someone other than me is going to have to manage.

Magpie Girl’s Top Ten List of Things The Universe Needs to Help Me Have Less Of

10. rain
9. religious conflict
8. car alarms
7. people who “come & go”
6. conflicting health advice
5. medications
4. options overload
3. commerical stimulus
2. distractions
1. pain

As you may know by now, Jen and I are constantly in the current of an on-going mutual love fest. Today she posted about the life-changing ‘writing’ retreat we embarked on last Summer. It’s fabulously written and you really must go over and have a gander. But the main reason I’m waxing poetic about Jen today is that I just got her amazing Zine in the mail. Beginnings is a full-color, hand-drawn, wisdom-and-wit-drenched glossy piece of goodness guaranteed to inspire the most stuck amongst us. Go order right now while you still can!

Without giving too much away, just let me say that one of the big themes in Beginnings is to dream big…Mondo Beyondo big. I tried very hard to be a good little girl and make my Mondo Beyond list last night – but I fear it might be a little tame in comparison to Jen’s heart-stopping list here. But still, it marks where my dreams are at in this moment, so I’ll Polaroid that here and now for future reference.

MONDO BEYONDO 2007

LIVE in Italy long enough that it feels like home.

TRAVEL each year to a far off destination until we feel like international pros.

SPEAK-TEACH in venues all over the place about art, spirituality, and all things Magpie-y and Urban Abbess-ish.

GET OVER my body issues and be at healthy weight once and for all. (actually this feels the most beyondo)

KICK ASS at being one or all of the following: Surfer. Pool Hustler. Yoga Guru.

SING my lungs out in front of a big crowd (and sound fantastic…maybe a little like her or her.)

GAZE out my apartment at Central Park before going to the Met to spend a day writing in the café overlooking the sun-filled sculpture garden.

FIND my long lost friend gay-best-guy-friend from college and be deliriously, platonically in love again.

INDULGE one week a year in a fabulous all-by-myself (or with one perfect partner) writing/creating retreat.

BE FEATURED in one fantastic interview with Ira Glass, or produce one fabulous story with him and the TAL crew.

EAT fabulous all-organic high-flavor food with Anne Lamott and a gaggle of girlfriends on a regular basis.

WEAR only handmade orginals like this, or this every day of my life.

ADOPT one fabulous child (or better yet a set of siblings) from anywhere improvrished and scary.

What are you dreaming about today? Put the link to your Mondo Beyond in the comments!