Hello Magpies. Today I’m visiting Jo Crawford at Crafting the Sacred. She’s doing an insightful and well-curated series on sacred connections, focusing on everyday sacred moments. I’m pleased as punch to be guest posting on her site, where I talk about one of my right-fit spiritual practices, holiday cooking. I’ve got a blessing waiting for you there. Won’t you join us?

Today’s you’re getting all 3Q’s of Interview goodness with story teller and Squam instructor, Jen Lee. Jen offers soulful, like-a-warm-bath retreats in a Brooklyn brownstone, with fabulous guests and wise co-teachers. Here’s this from Jen about the upcoming Integrate: A Voice and Story Retreat in NYC:

Sometimes we feel like a mass of contradictions, or a swirl of inner battles.  We think that recovering our voice will mean we can finally speak up or speak out, or move our pen across a page.  And these things are all true, but they’re not the whole story. Your voice–and your story–are also keys to unlock the parts of yourself you’ve labelled “no access”. There’s a way to stand in the middle with arms outstretched to either side, a way to close the chasm between: your body and mind, your intuition and reason, your courage and your fear. There’s a way to pull all your parts into a strong unison. Come. We’ll begin together.

As I write this, Jen has just one spot left for the Integrate retreat. Today we’re talking about the retreat, being brave, and the power of story. Here’s Jen Lee…

Q. What inspired you to create this particular retreat theme?  

This is the conversation I’ve been living and breathing in recent times.  My dear friend, Phyllis Mathis, has helped me so much with my own journey toward integration (I consider this terrain one of her specialties), and I thought this would be a powerful conversation to generate together and share.  

Our fragmented parts and the pieces we have hiding in the shadows are highly relevant for people who are on a journey toward finding and developing their voices.  Many people are limited in their writing or crippled in their storytelling from their fear of these parts of themselves leaking out of their pens or wriggling their way into their stories.  

We are slowed in our creative work, and so often caught in cycles of struggle and striving when we aren’t tapped into all of our inner sources of power and energy.  This retreat is designed to be a decisive first step in releasing those currents, greeting and welcoming all of our parts with love and courage, and caring for ourselves in a deep and profound way.

Q. What would you say to people whose Gremlins are telling them they aren’t cool enough, or deep enough, or storied enough to be at the retreat?

I’m sure I’m not cool enough, wise enough or storied enough to host the retreat, so come anyway–clearly you’ll be in good company. 

It takes something to come–it takes trust that an ocean of love and acceptance are waiting for you inside the walls of a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone.  It takes courage to trust that little part of you that REALLY WANTS to be there, and love to let her have this good thing. I know it’s hard. Love can be the most frightening thing of all.  But you can find insights here that will be game-changers in your life, and you won’t be alone–ever–along the way.

Q. Storytelling is wide, powerful and healing. Can you distill it a little and tell us one or two things about why you think story telling is important?

Julia Cameron talks about our stories and personal histories as “the origin” of our creative work, and her description helps me imagine them as a geography to explore and chart.  This geography is a source of wisdom about where we’ve come from, a discernment tool for finding our path in the present, and a rich, fertile ground in which our dreams for the future take root and grow.  I believe, as Cameron writes, that a connection to these stories generates originality in our work. The findings of Dr. Brene Brown indicate that our story is the primary place for us to locate our worthiness, which is central to how we’re being in the world.  Our story may be the most essential thing about us.

It certainly is one of the most powerful elements of human connection.  Learning to share our stories and to receive the stories of others is central in forming the kind of nurturing and connected friendships and communities that we long for. To have your story is to have a key to yourself.

 What is one story that is powerful in your life right now and what is it speaking to you? We’d love to hear a synopsis in the comments below. Thank you for being here.

Today in our 1Q Interview  we are lucky to have Carrie McCarthy with us, author of  Style Statement: Live by Your Own Design. She’s giving us some insider’s tips on how to help your home become a reflection of your truest self.

Q. In our on-line community, Flock, we just completed the “Home + Stuff” section of Style Statement. Several of our members were surprised to find that there were a lot of very pretty things in thier homes– but not so many things that truly represented who they were.

Do you find this to be a common experience? What beginning steps could these folks take to start thinning out their stuff so it better reflects what they truly treasure?

It is very common to take stock of our stuff – which includes all areas of our life and discover we don’t like what we see.

When applied to your home these three simple steps will give you clarity and results you’ll love.

EDIT
Tour your home and really look at you stuff. Make two truthful lists: “Love it” and “Loose it.” Catalog everything, including art. It’s all based on how you feel. Maybe you come across a chair that irks you, but you’ve kept it because it was your grandmothers and you need a chair. Pay attention to the reasons you have things in your space – and categorize accordingly.

APPRECIATE
Collect items you love, including your clothes. Sift through collections, mementos. Check your mantel, bookshelves, and closets. Focus on the items that make you feel beautiful and joyful, the ones that inspire you to stand tall. Keep these items. Recycle, sell or donate the rest.

ADD
Tap your memory and imagination. Close your eyes and remember the places you love to be and why you love them. Recall hotels, films, music, and books that have resonated. Then go into fantasy mode. “Imagine real life constraints don’t apply.  Then picture your dream home, what you’re wearing to the Oscars, and what you would do with 24 hours of bliss.

Look for the common threads – design, colors, shapes materials, vibe – among the things you love. Let your brain be loose and free to wander and wonder. Make a list, create a vision board; this helps translate your tastes into smart shopping choices. Remember a beautiful landscape is based on what feels good and what you love.  

Bonus Q: What projects are you working on now that you are excited about?

I’m so excited to have been featured in Real SimpleMarch issue. It was a privilege to work with such a professional and creative team. As well, I’ve been asked to contribute to a new personal development site, in partnership with ehow, I’ll be in good company with Deepak Chopra and Desmond Tutu. Parentsask has asked me to be a lifestyle expert on their popular website.

I continue to work with clients from all over the world and have created Jumpstart sessions for our readers who need a nudge to discover and understand their Style Statement. And we receive many requests to license Style Statement and train consultants. Stay tuned!!

Want to hear more from Carrie McCarthy? Our 1Q interviews always turn into 3Q Interviews at our one line soulspa, Flock: soulcare with Magpie Girl. Come join us !

This morning in our One Q Interview, I’m excited to introduce you to my soulsister, Jolie Guillebeau. Jolie is an artists living in Portland, Oregon, and has just kicked off a new project: 100 Painting in 100 Days. There’s something on the easel every day at Jolie’s place — and lucky you! You can buy her art work at ridiculously low prices. The painting from day one costs just $1. Day two, $2. You get the idea. I’ve already bought a beautiful still life of an egg, and I’m skulking around her mailing list waiting for other kitchen-related items to appear.

Jolie has taught me a lot about setting your vision and reaching a firm, clear goal. (That second part is problem for my monkey-mind). Today she talks to us about goal setting, and reaching for 100.

Q:   You and your hubs are like the queen and king of goal setting. What made you choose this ambitious goal of 100 paintings in 100 days? What are you hoping to learn about yourself and your creative process in the midst of this challenge?

Queen of goal setting? I’m not so sure.

Mostly it was about getting myself back in front of my easel. 2009 was a really hard year in a lot of ways for several reasons. We moved away from our community in Seattle to Portland (where I didn’t know anyone), and I lost my moorings for awhile. I had artsy friends in Seattle and worked at a museum, so I was getting regular feedback and always talking and thinking about my work with other people. Once we moved to Portland, I missed that and I found my well of creativity dried out pretty quickly. I floundered and my self-esteem plummeted.

It took me nearly a year to find roots here in Portland, and find some of that community again. By December, I had that support, and I was on my way again, but I hadn’t really picked up a paintbrush in months. So (of course) I set goals. We went away on our annual goal setting vacation, and I read (or re-read) a few books that inspired me: Making a Living Without a Job; Write It Down, Make It Happen; and  The Gift by Hafiz. Then I started making a plan.

On that trip, I decided my word for 2010 would be “Stretch.” And I tried to figure out what that meant for me. I’m pretty comfortable with my painting style, which was something I worked on in the past, but because of perfectionism I’m pretty slow. Which means that it generally takes me around 30-50 hours to get a painting to a point that I’m happy with it. At that rate, it’s pretty hard to sell a painting at a living wage. So I decided to stretch my perfectionist tendencies. Making 100 paintings in 100 days was the best way to do that for me.

Also, making a commitment like this puts me in front of my easel everyday. I have to paint now, people are watching. I don’t have time to let myself get stuck. And, for me, the more I paint, the better I feel about myself and the quieter The Gremlins get.

Want to hear more from Jolie Guillebeau? Join us at our on-line soulspa, Flock: soulcare with Magpie Girl.  Our 1Q interviews always turn into 3Q Interviews in the Flock. Jolie’s answering our questions about balancing “fast and dirty” work with quality work. She’s also helping us suss out healthier ways of thinking about how (and how much) we get paid for the work of our hands (and our hearts.) Come join us in the Flock!

Today in our One Q Interview we’re talking to Jim Henderson co- founder of Off the Map, CEO of Jim Henderson Presents, and host of Church Rater.

Church Rater is a website on which people are paid (or volunteer) to rate churches, and where churches can pay to have their services rated. Similar to Trip Advisor, where you can see customer reviews of hotel rooms, Church Rater provides what Jim calls “the unvarnished truth” about your local house of worship.

I’ve been a  fan of Jim’s no-nonsense approach to Christianity for a long time, and was fortunate to have him as my mentor during the opening days of my own localized community, Monkfish Abbey. Now he and I continue to be on parallel paths as he works on-line with Church Rater with the tag line “finding a church that fits;” and I work on-line with Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl, where our motto is “finding a spirituality that fits.”

Today we’ll ask Jim a question about Church Rater, and find out why a person who doesn’t go to church would be in this particular game.

Q: Jim, it’s no big secret that you and I are not the most consistent church attendees in the world. In fact I can remember sitting with you at a bar once, cooking up an idea for a church that only met to make music and tell stories, required a support fee up front (instead of haphazard tithe), and didn’t meet at all during the Summer. Given your less-than-traditional approach to church, what makes you so passionate about helping Churches and church-goers make a good connection?

A: I parachuted into Christianity as a young adult. That means I have no cultural/familial affiliation with the Christian religion. I also have serious questions about what we call Christianity having anything to do with Jesus. However I have spent the majority of my adult life with Christians and have come to admire, respect and love many of them. I know they agree with me that the church needs to be a better place, a more open and welcoming place. They know that Jesus would find it hard to “go to church” if he were here or even be called a “Christian”.

ChurchRater is a mirror that we hold up firmly, respectfully and even lovingly. We invite the Church to take look and If they like what they see they can keep doing more of it , if they don’t they can change. We specialize in helping Christians see themselves through the eyes of Outsiders (a name we stole from David Kinnaman that is more polite than the more commonly used  “lost” while still drawing a line of distinction Christians have mindlessly drawn to separate ourselves from “them”). I do this because I seek to follow Jesus who favored Outsiders and used them to provoke Insiders. That is my spiritual path.

I found Jim on a ladder, painting the side of my house. But you can find him at Off The Map, or get to know him by reading his books Jim and Caspar Go to Church, and Evangelism Without Additives.  Keep an eye out for his upcoming books The Resignation of Eve- a series of interviews exploring how Women feel about church, Christianity and Christians; and The Outsider Interviews with Todd Hunter and Craig Spinks.  Plus, find out about his interview with Ira Glass, and hear what Jim thinks my odds are for finding a church that will fit my particular bill by reading the full interview at Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl. Thanks for being here!

Need even more help with money? You can read the rest of her interview at Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl. And I’m excited to announce that Kate will be joining our panel of soulcare providers, offering Flock members a monthly Ask an Expert column on Money Healing.  Plus, if you live near Seattle, you can catch her local class on Living in Abudance (for Women only!).  And so, dear Magpie Girl readers…here’s Kate!

Money and Abundance: Clear Your Thinking
by Kate Phillips

Q. What are the most common mistakes or misconceptions you see women carrying around about money and abundance? 

It’s “the cart before the horse” – many women want to find or create a better financial situation so that they can “have security.” However, our financial assets can’t give us ”security.” I’ve coached people from multi-millionaires to those living from unemployment check to unemployment check, and the truth is that security is found in peace of mind and the ability to respond powerfully to any external circumstance, not in net worth or income. 

When we learn that WE are our greatest asset and understand that our financial assets are only an outgrowth of the value we offer to the world and an extension of a “worthy” self-concept, we will work on developing ourselves and building the confidence and knowledge that we are enough. That’s how we create wealth and real security, which starts on the inside. External wealth will flow from that, but wealth built without the internal foundation will be fleeting… not unlike the majority of lottery winners, who wind up broke two years later.

You see, money is never just about money… I call it “the mirror and the magnifying glass,” because it reveals to us what’s going on underneath the surface of our lives. Learning to relate powerfully and intentionally to money is actually deep spiritual work for those who choose to take it on.

Here are some other common misconceptions… 

1) There is some magical Law of Attraction manifestation formula, and if we learn and say the right affirmation, it will work like some kind of magic spell. The real work is aligning ourselves to our highest intentions and acting from that place, not reciting the right affirmation 20x a day. My blog post on Why the Law of Attraction Doesn’t Always Work  explores this further.

2) Being financially wealthy means never having to “look at the right hand side of the menu;“ having more than we need; and being able to indulge ourselves in self-pampering delights. I was surprised at first to discover that self-made millionaire business women never stop being conscious about their spending, often consider themselves “frugal” (or at least, with simple tastes), and generally only shop with a list.

The habits that have allowed millionairesses to build wealth are ones of discipline and consciousness about where their money goes. If we desire wealth so that we can engage in emotional spending habits with abandon, we’re not likely to ever be able to build or keep wealth. Living below one’s means is the habitual pattern of wealthy women, not splurging. But it’s not matter of self-deprivation or even willpower, it’s about becoming women who know how to nurture their emotional needs without the use of a credit card. It’s about becoming intentional in our spending, and aligning our finances with our values.

3. All I need is the right financial “plan,” “strategy,” or  ”information” to build wealth. Well, there is no lack of information about how to build wealth, lose weight, or run a marathon, but even when we intend to accomplish those goals, few of us do. A good strategy helps, but the best of plans does not guarantee action.

So why don’t we take empowered action around money, weight loss, or fitness? If I want to lose weight, I should eat less and exercise more, it’s not rocket science, right? So when I don’t act according to my intentions, I’ve got to dig deeper and see what’s going on with my beliefs, emotions, expectations and other aspects of my mindset. Otherwise, all the financial information in the world will fail to make a lasting difference. I’ll be trying to change the “fruit” without changing the “root.”

Kate Phillips a certified coach and trainer who works with women and solo-preneurs to help them create wealth from the inside out. With a holistic approach to prosperity (from strategic to energetic), Kate helps clients address matters of “money, mind, and spirit” through private and group phone sessions as well as Seattle-area workshops. Visit Kate at Total Wealth Coaching for upcoming course information, or at her blog, The Garden of Plenty and receive a 10% discount on her Spring course offerings or private coaching. Thank you for being here!

I’m getting ready to leave Copenhagen, where the ice has overtaken the Little Mermaid, to go to London, where the ice has overtaken the fountains of Trafalgar Square. (What was I thinking? Why didn’t I book a flight to Spain?!) Because of this, I’m taking a it a little light on the blogging here at Magpie Girl, and there is no new One Q Interview to edit this week.

If you’re lonely, you might consider joining us at Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl, where the joint is jumping!  This week we’ll get to talk to our resident therapist, Jen Payne in her first Ask an Expert column; work on some Soulcrafting to set our intentions for the month; and find support in our weekly check-ins. Plus we’ll get ready for February’s Read-A-Long, Style Statement: Live by Your Own Design. (Click to see our current offerings.)

Even if you can’t be with us in the Flock, we still want you to have some support and encouragment this week. Might I suggest a little trip on the wayback machine? Here’s a list of the very best value-added guest posts from weeks of yore. May you find something you need amongst them this day.

I’ll see you Thursdsay for *8Things. Until then…

Much Warmth,

Rachelle

Jamie Ridler: Creativity, Feeback and Our Tender Hearts

Jena Strong: Impostor Syndrome, Diagnosis and Treatment

Stephanie Walker: *8 Ways to Turn Financial Crisis Into Opportunity

Becky Knight: Living by Your Own Rules, Sexual Integrity

Lisa Alexander: Honoring Your Work with Values-Based Pricing

Jen Payne: Five Signs It’s Time to Call a Therapist

Jolie Guillebeau: A Guided Visualization to Uncover you Ideal Way of Living (podcast)

Good morning Magpie Girl readers, and welcome to our weekly guest post. With the start of a new year comes a new form of guest posting: The One Q Interview. These interviews are designed to give you a nice wallop of insight in a neat little package.  It’s a perfect quick read Monday morning before you dig into work.

This week we have Licia Berry, author, wise woman, and teacher of Faces of Her: An educational and experiential exploration of the Sacred Feminine Within.  Today Licia is giving us what I call the YBH? — yes, but how? —  on how to have meaningful, nurturing family meetings.

Q: In 2007 you, your husband and your two boys sold all your possessions and lived on the road in an RV. In your efforts to “reclaim the heart of your family” you established Pyramid Meetings at The Round Table. Will you tell us about those meetings, how they worked and what their purpose was?

Actually, we did that starting in 2003 (we took a second shorter trip in 2007 to look for a new place to live).  The first trip was 2 years, the second was 6 months.  Even though we were living in a rural town in Colorado for the interim time, we did not feel we were done with our journey until now!

The “Pyramid Meetings” came about as a much needed attempt to bring us into closer proximity as a family, physically as well as emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  The four of us sat equidistant from each other and then brought our focus “up” into a collective one-ness.  Our intention was to save our family, and we felt that the way to do that was to ask for help from our Spirits.  We noticed a feeling of stability in this configuration, like the space was holding us as much as we were holding the space.  Somewhere early in the trip a wooden pyramid was given to us; when we saw it, we realized this was the form our family meetings was taking, thus the name was born. 

We began with a short mediation or quiet time.  This was hard for all of us at first, but eventually we got into a flow and could meditate for 10-20 minutes together.  We would follow up with a few minutes of toning (a formless singing, usually making vowel sounds with the mouth and throat); this seemed to help our bodies kind of “come back into the room” after meditating.  Then we would go around and do check-in, where each person had the floor, uninterrupted, to say how they were doing physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (or as Aidan says, “in all his PEMS”.)  The job of the rest of us was to listen with as much presence as we could so that the person speaking could really feel heard. 

Then we had Round Table discussion, which was a forum for us to discuss issues or decisions we had to make as a family.  The concept of the Round Table is that all members at the table have equal input.  Equality with all members of our family was a new concept for us, but one we were guided very deeply to integrate.  Our children are immense Beings who happen to live in physically younger bodies.  This does not make them “less” than us; in fact, our experience was that they frequently had answers to problems that Peter and I could not see. 

We find that when we see them as equals there is a flow in our communication and our coexistence that is blissful and respectful.  Peter and I are still the parents; we guide and protect as needed because we have more experience on earth than our children do.  But in all other ways we strive to see them and live with them as equal Beings.  They appreciate this a lot; they are accustomed now to feeling free to express their thoughts and opinions respectfully without penalization.  They are always disappointed and puzzled when other adults treat them disrespectfully or as “less than”.

At the end of the meeting, when everyone felt complete, we would have a family hug.  This was even hard at first for some of us!  But, like the family meetings, it has become a cherished tradition.  The boys are a lot taller now!

So, to sum up, here were the components of our Pyramid Meetings:

1. Meditation
2. Toning
3. Check In
4. Round Table
5. Family Hug

Pyramid Meetings did some wonderful things for us, too many to list here.  It created a discipline of being respectful of each others’ energy, communicating in respectful ways, listening more deeply and attentively, and created a sense of feeling heard and important.  Feeling emotionally safe and present with each other was super important to cultivate.  We learned the ways we had been foisting our projections onto each other, and the ways we were furthering the damaging behavior patterns Peter and I had learned as children.  It also strengthened our concept of the four of us as family, as a unit, and increased our devotion to our family.  Our family needed this healing, as we had been growing apart for some time.  It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning; but the Pyramid Meetings created a fast track to that healing of our family heart.
One Q Interviews are posted Mondays at Magpie Girl. Flock members also receive an extended interview with Licia including her thoughts on working with practioners from a wide range of spiritual backgrounds, and her efforts to reclaim the Feminine Divine.  (Join us!) Thank you for being here!

Annabel Fitzsimmons of Clear Space comes to us today with some ideas about seeing your old patterns through new eyes  in this week’s One Q Interview:

 
Q:  Annabel, In your New Year’s Post at Clear Space, you talk about looking at old stories with new eyes. Sometimes it can be hard to see a familiar situation afresh. What is one tip or technique you use when you need to get a fresh take on something that’s been with you for awhile. How do you get started seeing something anew?

A: When I need to look at an old story with new eyes, my main goal is to get clarity on the situation. I ask questions:

• Why do I need a fresh start?
• Do I need to let go of old thought patterns, habits or behaviours in order to refresh this story?
•  Do my life circumstances support me in all of this?

By being clear about why we desire to see something anew, we are able to move forward with greater ease.

Then, as I re-enter my story with fresh eyes, I try to put the concepts of compassion and non-judgment (both for myself and others) into practice. These two principles keep us aware and conscious of our thoughts and actions.

And finally, I try to bring a sense of humour to everything. Finding the lightness in our circumstances can buoy us up, give us perspective, and more importantly simply make us feel good!

Annabel Fitzsimmons offers resources that help you “live your balance” at Clear Space. Get introduced to her beautiful voice with her free morning yoga and guided relaxation downloads, and join her membership site for an on-going selection healthful goodies.

One Q Interviews are posted Mondays at Magpie Girl.  Flock  members also receive an extended interview with Annabel including her tips on how to manage a break up;  ideas for ‘putting the ‘om’ in Mom’; and the chance to win a one month membership at Clear Space. (Join us!)  Thank you for being here!

photo by Christine Valters Paintner

“Busyness is a form of innate violence in this world and when we try and do too many things and stretch ourselves too thin, we participate in that violence.”
 - Christine  Valters Paintner, paraphrasing a lecture by Thomas Merton

Good morning Magpie Girl readers, and welcome to our weekly guest post. With the start of a new year comes a new form of guest posting: The One Q Interview. These interviews are designed to give you a nice wallop of insight in a neat little package.  It’s a perfect quick read Monday morning before you dig into work.

This week, Christine Valters Paintner of Abbey of the Arts is with us once again. She’s helping us reconcile the demands of a busy culture with our need for contemplation and silence. Here’s Christine’s intriguing answer to this weeks’ One Q Interview:

Q:  You are a Benedictine Oblate and are drawn to the contemplative life. In a culture that values busyness and loudness, how do you talk to yourself about your need for solitude, rest, contemplation, and silence?

 A: For many years I struggled with my contemplative call.  I wrestled with a lot of inner messages about what “doing enough” meant. When I heard these voices they often sounded like my father supported by a chorus of society’s messages about how to define my value.

Then I found my tribe – my community of fellow Benedictine oblates – being an oblate is about my commitment to living out monastic values in everyday life.  This community is rooted in a spiritual lineage that goes back 1500 years to St. Benedict and Benedict was deeply influenced by the desert mothers and fathers who came before him.  I discovered in this tradition that my hunger for solitude and silence, for spaciousness, for a gentler and more compassionate way of being, were all ancient paths.  I recognized a wisdom much deeper than my own.

I read a passage from Thomas Merton once that rocked my thinking.  He was addressing ministers and activists and said that busyness is a form of innate violence in this world and when we try and do too many things and stretch ourselves too thin, we participate in that violence.  His words literally transformed my thinking about contemplative living from one that was rooted in my own deep desire for wholeness to seeing contemplation as a social witness to a different way of being in the world.  I live a contemplative life in part to show others what might be possible when we live our way, day by day, into shalom.

Now here’s One Q for you, dear reader: Does the pace of your life suit your soul? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Christine Valters Paintner, PhD is a teacher, photographer, and writer from Seattle, WA. In addition to offering us her wisdom, Christine is also giving all Magpie Girl readers a one-time, 10% discount off of anything she offers Abbey of the Arts, including her amazing classes: Way of the Monk, Path of the Artist; Eyes of the Heart: Photography as Spiritual Practice; and Lenten ECourse: Benedictine Spiritual Practices. (Offer good until January 31, 2010, use the code Magpie10 when ordering).

One Q Interviews are posted Mondays at Magpie Girl. Later this week, Flock  members also receive an extended interview with Christine and a chance to win a seat in one of her classes. (Join us!) Thank you for being here!

 
Jenni welcomes the light anywhere she can find it.

In the northern half the world, today is the Winter Solstice — the longest night of the year, and the time when the tides turn, tipping us once again to lengthening days. This year for Winter Solstice, I’m delighted to welcome Jenni Linclon, a Small is Beautiful blogger from Out of the Attic. Jenni brings her wisdom and winsomeness to our fireside today with this post on Pagans, Christians, and the Winter Solstice.

Winter Solstice
by Jenni Lincoln

Happy Solstice!

Winter Solstice is the day of the year with the least hours of sunlight. Six months of treading deeper into the cold and dark culminates and breaks at Solstice. Tomorrow morning, dawn will crack this shell a little earlier and with each day the light will stretch further into our lives, more muscular and sustaining morning by morning.  (Until it all happens again…)

Pagans and Christians recognize very similar events on this day but from antithetical positions.  For Pagans, Winter Solstice is a celebration of the sun god born again of the mother earth. For Christians, solstice corresponds with the Christmas celebration of Jesus’s birth. Pagans rejoice in the promise of heat and light that make life on Earth possible. Christians claim prophecies of a messiah and spiritual salvation.  The former group recognizes the immanent holiness of the physical world. The latter group honors divine grace transcending the natural world.  When held together, Pagan and Christian portrayals of this day inform the meaning that each offers, rendering something more robust and life-giving than I can find in either one alone.

This year, Winter Solstice cradles a shadowy phase in my life.  My son is nearly two years old, so my husband and I have shifted from a state of “new parents perpetually reacting” to “new family getting to know itself.”  And within that family is a mother, me, getting to know her self newly too. I’m unraveling from an outdated sense of who I am in order to reveal… who? 

Parts of me have fallen away.  Feelings that I last experienced when my father died have resurrected themselves in my heart.  It’s the palpable sensation that everything I was and everything that I did before now is irrelevant to who and where I am today.  I am a mother, a financial provider, a believer, daughter, sister, friend…. but how am I these things?  What do they mean? Each piece of me begs re-evaluation.  Having been here before I’m doing it differently this time.  I’m yielding to this unraveling.   Relaxing into it.  I am letting myself fall apart into the darkness. When the light returns I’ll welcome the awakening.

 I recently heard a sermon that surprised me with the image of myself as a Pagan.  The pastor preached on Matthew 6:25-33. The passage urges us not to worry about what we will eat or wear because in the same way that God provides for the birds and the flowers, God provides for us.  “For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.” (verse 32)  I caught my breath.  I am so deeply attached to daily life.  Not only entrapped by my worries, but also rooted and content in my home, my body, my son and my husband, my coworkers, and all the elements that compose my little world.  I cherish the embrace I have around this world, and the grip it has on me. 

Pagan practice affirms the intrinsic value of daily life.  Life is holy.  In both the tangible cycles of waking-tending-working-playing-resting, and the intangible cycles of hoping-grieving-raging-celebrating we participate in the sacred.

But I’ve also felt very constrained since my son was born.  His needs plus our limited resources tightly contracted where we could go, what we could do and who we could see.  Those restrictions are slowly loosening and my perception of what is possible also expands. I’m not just unraveling an old skin to cast off; I’m unraveling to open myself up.

Just over a year ago we started attending a quirky little Baptist church in our neighborhood.  At the time, it was about planting our family within a community.  This tiny congregation welcomed us instantly.  They even built a “family room” so that we’d have a place to retreat with a fussy baby during services.  So I’m afraid I sound ungrateful when I admit that there have been many times when I’ve left church angry about a sermon, or the pastor’s language, or just Christian culture.  But every couple of weeks I head around the corner to church.  Why?

This community opens me up in unique and loving ways.  As a whole they inhabit and model the example of Christ.  In the last year I’ve witnessed them comfort the grieving, visit the sick, share food, clothing, and money with anyone in need, celebrate and support recovery from addiction, the list actually goes on and they do it with joy.  The faith in these acts transcends my small (precious) world. It contextualizes my life in something bigger, older, and unbounded by the physical world. 

At Winter Solstice, the numinous and natural worlds are revealed and revered in concert.  I’m drawing on this complementary set of perspectives to help me navigate this place in my life. I expect that many women experience similar cycles of losing and finding themselves.  Every handful of years a new life event casts us spiraling down to an unfamiliar latitude and the world feels upended again.  I don’t know yet who I’ll be as the light returns.

This week’s guest post is by the energetic Danette Relic, life coach at The Drawing Board and hostess of creative self expression workshops. She’ll be teaching us about something I know very little about — Tantra — and how it connects to Creativity. I know you’re already intrigued. So Danette, take it away…

Tantra and Your Creative Energy
by Danette Relic

Let me guess, you hear Tantra and you think, 8-hour romp in the sheets with Sting.  Yes? But what is Tantra? What is Art?

Since beginning my studies of Tantra, I have learned that there is so very much more to learn.  The discussion of what Tantra is seems to resemble a beautifully tangled garden; there are theories about the initial source of growth, about all the influences that have shaped it’s development, and even those who identify which parts of the garden are valuable and which parts are weeds that have invaded it along the way. 

For the purpose of giving you a sense of Tantra before going on, I like these three points taken from a list of what Tantra is, from the book Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: the key to enriching your sexual life by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson. 

* Tantra is an ancient tradition that recognizes sexual energy as a source of personal and spiritual empowerment.  This sets it apart from most Western traditions and helps explain why most Westerners have reduced it to its sexual elements alone.

 * Tantra is the magic of transforming your consciousness and thereby transforming your entire being.  Your body is the most powerful tool for bringing about this transformation.

 * Tantra is the discipline of becoming yourself completely.  In the end, there is nothing at all to do.

Trying to find one complete definition for Tantra seems to be a lot like trying to answer the question, What is Art?

 Which makes sense to me, because I see Tantra and Art, or specifically, Tantra and Creativity, to be curiously linked up.  I’ve noticed them at parties, huddled together on the sofa, or giggling by the punch bowl in some secret exchange.  Of course they are.  Sexuality and Creativity splash around in the same orange chakra, the sacral chakra, located just below your navel.

There are 3 aspects of Tantra that also serve as juicy connectors for creative energy: Senses, Pleasure, and Self-Expression.

Senses: The Language of Experience

The senses are your gateway to the world around you.  There are limitless experiences at our fingertips (tips of our tongues, tips of our noses, space just outside our ears) all the time, right now.  It is like a river we can dip into at any time, a radio that we can tune into and tune out of as we please.  What do you use most often?  Which sense do you often leave out?

When it comes to Tantra, the senses are how we can experience the sacred through the physical.  The connection to sexual practices are obvious, but what about creativity?

Consider your senses as an infinite bank of ideas.  The senses spark the imagination, memory, story and sensation.  The smell of crayons.  The exact colour of the tile in your first lover’s bathroom.  The song that takes your breath away.  The taste of tears.  The sensation of a wet bathing suit as it pulls away from your body.  These are all entry points to your own creative mind-body connection.  Your senses contain the beginnings of poems, stories, sculptures, drawings, colours, dances and songs.  Imagine what creative responses are possible using just your senses as a springboard?

Pleasure: What Lights You Up?

 Never mind what looks good, what feels good?

Tantra has a lovely relationship with pleasure.  Unlike many spiritual practices, Tantra embraces pleasure, including sexual pleasure, as a sacred gift.  Again, I don’t think I need to point out how pleasure and sexual practices might be a good fit.  Now, how about your creative practice?

Close your eyes and move crayons across the page until you find the way that gives your arm the most pleasure.  Seek the joy of repetitive motions, peeling of tissue, the coolness of clay, the satisfaction of big messy gestures or tiny intricate tasks using beads or precision markings.  What process brings you the most pleasure, if the end result would never be seen by anyone?

Materials, movements, images, colours, ideas…find the ones that light you up and make you feel good.  Let pleasure be your only compass as you create.  What do you notice?

Self-Expression: You are Naturally Creative

 This is a belief I hold strongly: we are all naturally creative beings.  If you are looking for proof, watch children for any length of time.  We all started there, singing and drawing and making believe.  There was no shame in showing our voices to the world.

In Tantra, as you pay intimate attention to your senses and pleasure, you also open yourself to the experience of being at one with sensation, a channel for the energy to move through, like sound moves through a drum.  In sexual practices, self-expression is the glorious way we respond to pleasure, with breath and sound and movement.

You are the instrument, for sensation, for pleasure, for creative energy to bloom through.  It’s as natural as taking in a breath.  Inhale air from the world around you, feel it flow and change temperature inside you, then release it, without judging it, back into the world, as something new.

I hesitate to extend this example with water, but bear with me for a second.  Aside from the first thing you are thinking of, the water you put into your body moves back out into the world through your sweat and tears, expressions of joy, sorrow, dance, hard work and lovemaking. 

Here is the connection to creativity: once you have taken in through your senses and discovered where pleasure resonates for you, you can release this beauty back out into the world, in whatever form you feel most drawn to.

Only you can create art from your own experience.  You are a unique creation yourself, and your voice is the only one that can tell your story.  

You get to show the world how beautiful it is, just by being you and loving the sacredness of being alive.

Wait, am I talking about Tantra or Creativity? 

They both sound delicious.

As many of you know, I am in deep blog crush with Susannah Conway. Not only did I gain many riches from her magically popular Unravelling courses, but she also keeps me company here on the other side of the pond as we Twitter our day away. I think you two should meet!

But before I let Susannah introduce herself, let me pontificate a little about the bounty that comes from her talented eye.

A gift of Susannah’s photographylet’s the receiver:

-step back in time.
-bring back gentility.
-capture the pretty.
-sigh a little.

Susannah’s photos-and-journal Unravelling courses help you:

-see who you are from the toes up.
-cherish your favorite things.
-honor your connections.
-feel accomplished.

What treasured gifts from a dreamy lady! Friends, meet Susannah Conway…

Artist’s Statement

Susannah Conway is a photographer, writer and the creator of the Unravelling e-courses; she is also a Polaroid obsessive, an extroverted introvert and a fake blonde. She spent many years as a fashion editor and freelance journalist in London, and enjoyed attending fashion shows because she liked to watch the people in the audience. In 2005 her partner died from a sudden heart attack and her entire world crumbled. She returned to the south coast to heal in solitude, and over the years has rediscovered her true calling though her passion for photography and writing. She now shares her wisdom with people around the world via her blog, Ink on my fingers, and her e-courses, and is currently writing her first book. She is proud to call herself a ‘family of one’ and likes travelling to far-off lands. Her superpowers are absolute truth-telling and shining the light.  She remains a work-in-progress… always.

Meet April Vega, one part of the trio that is Harp 46. April and I met when she and the band spent a year in Seattle exploring the Pacific Northwest.  Listening to April play her Celtic harp while our soulcare community lay blissfully on the floor is one of my all-time favorite memories of our house on Densmore street is. True, the harp is a lilting and peaceful instrument; but it’s April’s presence as a musician that brings relaxation and inspiration to every musical moment.

One of my favorite holiday albums is Harp 56′s Angels Among Us available to preview and for purchase at CD Baby, orITunes. (Don’t miss it, it’s amazing!)  And now April, along with her husband Nuc and brother-in-law Posido, have released an intriguing new album, Entanglement — a blend of world rhythms to enliven you day. I find  it to be energizing without being frantic — a rare gem for your listening pleasure.

In this Monday’s guest post, April talks about living the creative life when baby makes three, and how the collaborative process works for the band as they write new music. I love what she has to say about how parenting while creating focuses your vision, and how sometimes you have to change a project mid-stream when The Muse decides to take it another way. Here’s April…

I’ve always loved how song emerge out of your jam sessions together. How would you describe the process of writing a new songs together?
      
Harp 46 is as collaborative as it gets, artistically speaking.  It’s funny, this album actually started out as an idea that I had to finally do a solo album.  You know, I wanted to make the voice totally my own, have complete artistic control, really let myself go a little crazy.  But as I started writing the songs, and performing them in front of small cafe-type audiences, I couldn’t help but either hear other parts for Nuc and Posido; or hear weaknesses in the songs that I knew my rhythm section would be able to strengthen up.  I guess it just wasn’t the right time for a solo album!

Our writing process varies.  Some of the songs on this album, maybe half, were little song-zygotes that I composed during my son’s nap time.  I’d bring them to rehearsal and they would, inevitably, become more complex (and therefore more interesting).  The rest were just born out of extended jam sessions, where one of us would start playing a little snippet – maybe just a couple measures of music – and then we’d just follow the music and see where it led us.  That’s very much our style – just using our ears as a guide to write music.

Nuc and Posido have this compositional approach to things – an approach that is both endearing and maddening – where they like to have one piece of a song that sounds really good, and then they try to find the most odd, incompatible thing they can play either superimposed on it, or right next to it.  They do that during rehearsals, and then I’ll generally state my opinion of the sound (not usually positive) and then we just work on getting that odd piece of the puzzle to fit in.  It’s a little confrontational, actually. So we have a lot of that mixture-exploration in all our music – a gospel beat under a Celtic jig, for example, or a hip-hop bass line that emerges from a middle-eastern sounding tune.  Eventually we play with it and it works.  I guess that’s how we create our own little challenges to overcome!

I’ve been listening to your music for a long time now, and it’s a delight to see your work evolving as an artist. How does this album vary from your previous work?

You know, I wasn’t expecting this, but when we first heard the album after being in the studio for a few days, I was just knocked out by how mature it sounded.  Not “mature” like, old lady music, but just that the music had so much more depth and intricacy than our previous albums.  I’m not saying I didn’t like our earlier work – I really do like it all – but this album is just a different step for us.  For one thing, the compositions are much more complex.  There is also clearly a lot of improvisational “conversation” going on between us – it’s much more akin to how we sound in a live concert situation, I think, when we are just letting loose and having fun with the music.  I had no idea it was going to sound like that, by the way.  Sometimes the microphones hear a lot better than our own ears!

How has your creative process changed and adapted now that you and Nuc are parents?

Oh, it is just so much more difficult.  I’m sure that won’t surprise you or any of your readers!  I don’t even know how we got the thing done, to tell you the truth.  It’s half miracle.  We had babysitters galore for a few weeks when we were in the studio.  We tried to rehearse after our son’s bedtime (he can sleep through anything) but sometimes needed those day-long rehearsals too… so much juggling.  And now, with album promo on the front-burner, let me tell you, it is impossible and I’m not doing enough of anything.  My immune system is taking a major beatdown.  All of this used to be so enlivening for me and now it is just crushing me!  Amazing how much work those little people require.

I guess if there’s one positive influence on my creative process it would be that I have more ability to just sit down and get it done.  Time is such a commodity, as any parent will tell you.  I don’t have time to meander through thoughts and ideas – although that kind of time may very well be beneficial to me! – so there were several times with this album, particularly in the beginning stages, where I would sit down with the harp and just kind of force myself to spit something out.  Good, bad, mediocre – didn’t matter.  That’s another benefit of the collaborative nature of a band – I could take something half-baked to rehearsal and we could fix it up and make it sound good.  I guess having a kid around made me a lot more dependent on the rest of the band, which seems to mirror life in general – I know I’ve certainly become a lot more dependent on practically everything in our community now that I’m a parent.

If you were the virtual DJ feature on my Zune, what three songs/artists would you mix into a playlist with this track?

Hmmm.  I would probably go with Lossby Al Petteway and Amy White , Kothbiroby Ayub Ogada (this is on the Constant Gardener soundtrack), and Jump!by Van Halen… but that’s just because I dig Van Halen :)

You can find April’s music at the Harp 46 website. Give someone you love the gift of music this season! Thanks for being here.

I feel a little hesitant to write about Rowena Murillo’s work, because I feel quite unsure about how to describe how it effects me. I’ve been thinking about this the last few days, and the only thing I can come up with is that Rowen is so in it. She doesn’t stand outside her work and create what she thinks will sell, or even what she thinks people might need. Instead she creates what is present. And you know what? It is exactly what people — at least what this person, needs.

I think part of it is that Rowena has a naturally perfected balance of  the show and the tell. She doesn’t  show us too little, making it impossible for us to get at the meaning. And she doesn’t tell it too us to straight, which would make us resistant to the obviousness of the message. Instead she gives us just enough direction to get us into the rabbit hole, and the pull of wonder takes us the rest of the way.

Speaking of rabbit holes, don’t miss what Rowena is doing on her blog right now — a new series of Flying Girls as an altered book, rooted firmly in the words of Miss Alice of Wonderland. And as you do your holiday shopping, please remember her well-stocked Etsy shop with affordable prints.

Someday I will have a datebook with page after page of Rowena’s goodness. Someday I will have a painting as large as my living room wall of  Flying Girl Swims, or Explore Undiscovered Lands. Someday we will share opposite sides of a second-hand table, painted red, and make wonders. But until that day, I think we all should say a little “hallelujah” for the way Rowena and her Flying Girls help us live in our own skin. Can I get an “Amen?”

Artist’s Statement: Rowena Murillo

 ”I almost never know what I am going to paint until I put the brush to the paper.  Or perhaps I have an idea of where to start, but the process of creating transforms the concept, the idea, and the artist.

Visions don’t come real. Accidents detour the plan. Unexpected happenings change the goal. Synchronicity picks the path.  But I keep going. I keep looking at what I have and seeing what I could have.  I am guided by the process. 

My philosophy on life is much the same– follow the serendipity and acknowledge the beauty, and through that, find meaning.”

Sometime Twitter yields real treasures. Such is the case of Naoko Stoop, a beautiful artist I discovered via a kind tweet. Naoko’s beautiful images transport me to magical world. Handcrafted scrapbooking goodness combined with fine draftsmanship make each image a delight to the eye. After viewing this slideshow of her work, I feel like I’ve been submerged in a warm bath.

Naoko has beautiful prints for sale on line, as well as perfect, understated hoilday greeting cards. You can find her at ther site Brown Paper Bag, or at her Etsy shop. And you can learn more about this clever artist in her statement below. Thank you Naoko, for bringing warmth and whimsy to our winter days!

Artist’s Statement: Naoko Stoop

Hello, I am Naoko Stoop, a self taught artist, based in Brooklyn NY. I love to read fairy tales from all over the world, and live in a magical world myself. 

Since I was little, I was fascinated with creating things on used paper: old books, newspapers, magazines, wrapping paper, letters and envelops.

My “Brown Paper Bag Collection” came from this fascination. I use recycled folded brown paperbags as my canvas. They have already had a sense of purpose in their previous forms. It is like detatching them from their old roles and combining with my mischievous drawings to create something new form something old. After a lot of experiments with paper and various inks, I have established a way to draw on used paper bags without losing the color and texture of the medium.

I also draw a little girl with a red knit cap. This series is playful and cheerful with colorful paint on wood panels.  She is not someone but she is everyone. She is a childhood image that everyone has in her or his mind. I am trying to create images that project the beauty in life.

Please visit Naoko Stoop at her website and her online shop. Tell her Magpie Girl sent you!  

If  you’ve been hanging out for even a little bit here at Magpie Girl, you know how much I adore my life coach, Jena Strong of Strong Coaching. (website : blog) She’s the perfect combination of compassionate gentleness and no nonsense direction.

Today Jena is here to help with something so many of us in the creative realm struggle with: the imposter syndrome. Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? Do you think everyone else knows what they are doing while you are splashing around in the deep end? Then this my friend is for you. Jena, take it away….

The Imposter Sydrome: Diagnosis and Treatment
by Jena Strong

Let’s get the bad news over with first. The Imposter Syndrome is rampant. President Obama should declare a national emergency. Free vaccine clinics should be set up. Thousands, millions perhaps, of talented, creative, wise, and caring individuals suffer from this debilitating, delusional condition.

Now for the good news. There are only a few symptoms and they are really all facets of the same thing: A mistaken belief that you are not good enough. And best of all, the Imposter Syndrome is highly responsive to treatment. Continue reading to learn more, and if you believe you are suffering from the Imposter Syndrome, please! Seek help immediately.

GENERAL SYMPTOMS

A nagging voice in your head saying things like, “You call yourself a real _______?” Blank may be filled in with profession or vocation of your choice: Writer, Artist, Life Coach, Teacher, Business Owner, Mom, etc.

Habit of comparing yourself to Other People on a regular basis, wherein you usually come up short.

Certainty that said Other People have It All Figured Out, i.e. they are more confident, competent, and eminently more qualified than you to do whatever it is that you do. And by the way, they most definitely do notsuffer from the Imposter Syndrome themselves.

Underlying anxiety that it is only a matter of time before somebody realizes you are a fraud – and calls you on it, most likely in a humiliating, public manner.

TREATMENT

Remember that other People are not paying that much attention to you.They are much more self-absorbed than that. In fact, there is a significant chance that they themselves are suffering from the Imposter Syndrome, in which case they are most likely thinking how much more confident, competent, talented, creative, accomplished, and qualified YOU are than they are.

Trust the fear. I know this seems contradictory, but here’s what I mean: The more persistent that nagging voice is that’s calling you a con-artist, the more likely it is that you are actually doing exactly what you are meant to be doing. Know that the voice will get louder before it dies down, especially if you start ignoring it, but it will, in time, begin to give up the fight and let you do your work in this world fully and without doubt, second-guessing, and insecurity. Marianne Williamson said it most famously: “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world.”

Get to know your gremlin. I cannot recommend this enough. The book Taming Your Gremlin by Richard Carson is playful and highly useful for this; it’s the only book I ask my coaching clients to read. The fact is, the Imposter Syndrome is the gremlin’s distorted way of trying to protect you from failure. The clearer you get about what you’re really up to, the more impotent your gremlin will begin to feel. Consider writing your gremlin a letter telling him or her why you are bored with the Imposter Syndrome and how it is you plan to move forward.

Make a conscious choice about where to place your attention. Having a working relationship with your Gremlin will come in very handy here. You can start talking to him or her, e.g. “Gremlin (or Shirley or Drill Sergeant or whatever your gremlin’s name may be), I appreciate what you’re up to here, but I’m actually much more interested in _______ (making my art, writing my book, teaching my class, building my business, nurturing my relationships, changing the world) than in your relentless attempts to make me feel small and incompetent. Now go have a cup of tea and I’ll check in with you later.”

Do It Anyway. My father’s best advice to me, on my wedding day, was “Start. Keep Going.” Action is the greatest form of reclaiming your power from the falsity of the Imposter Syndrome. Sure, your gremlin will keep trying to win you back, but the more you move forward, noticing her but not letting her run the show, the more discouraged she will become. (Pretty soon, your gremlin may herself wind up with a case of the Imposter Syndrome. “I’m a total fraud! Who am I to call myself a gremlin?” she may cry. And we will all shed big alligator tears for her.)

Be Honest. Share. Connect. Tell Your Story. Things fester in the dark. Silence, hiding, shame, embarrassment – all of these keep us from shining, from sharing our light and our experience and our wisdom and our gifts with each other. What a loss. Amazing things happen when you choose to speak the truth: it gives the people around you permission to do the same, and everything begins to change.

Find a Buddy. We do this work alone, but we don’t do this work alone. Having a witness, a fellow gremlin-warrior, someone who knows what we’re up to, someone to help hold us accountable, someone to help us get back up when we fall, makes all the difference and helps guarantee our success. Or you might consider working with a life coach.

Celebrate. As you move through this process, bring your awareness to the times when you forget to feel like an imposter. Write them down in a special journal. Take yourself on a date or do something kind for someone who is feeling unsteady. Most importantly, be good to yourself – and spread the love.

For more Jena Strong goodness you can find her in at least a half-dozen places here at Magpie Girl, or WAY better yet, find her at Strong Coaching where she takes local and long-distant clients under her coaching wing.

From colorful celebrations like Dia de los Muertos to more solemn ceremonies like Blue Christmas mass, Kara has gathered an impressive list of resources to help you or someone you love navigate the difficult waters of the holiday season.

In my work as a pastor, and later as a soulcare specialist, I found that those who are experiencing grief are severely underserved. So please, pass this resource around. The world needs people like Kara who know good grief.

8 Creative Approaches to Grief:
creating new traditions for the holidaze
by Kara LC Jones

When talking with people about grief & creativity, I often hear things like, “I’m just not very creative” or “I’m not really an artist.”  The thing about learning to live life after loss is that creativity becomes an every day practice, not just an artistic endeavor.  It’s not always about writing poetry or drawing or painting.  When someone is overwhelmed by grief and goes to the ocean to throw rocks as a way to express anger, they are being creative.  When someone chooses to pay for the coffee of the person behind them, leaving a Kindness Card for the person, they are being creative. 

So at this time of year, when the holidays might end up seeming like a holidaze for bereaved people, I thought it might be helpful to offer 8 seasonal ideas for practicing your creative approach to living life after loss.

1) Remembrance Day and Month
The month of October and particularly October 15th are Pregnancy Loss, Infant & Child Death Awareness times.  Just know that if the death of a child is what has you in a holidaze, you are not alone.  Take a moment each day to light a candle.  Spend a few silent moments honoring your love for that child.  Grief cannot take away your love.

2) Day of the Dead. The month of October is also preparation and lead up to Days of the Dead.  October 31st is sometimes thought of as the day of the innocents, honoring the children who have died first.  Then November 1 and 2 are honoring anyone who has died, who you wish to honor.  There is a long history and cultural context to these traditions, and rituals often vary depending on the particular community in which you celebrate.  But most all include making, decorating, and displaying of sugar skulls.  We host a day every October for people to come to our home, make & decorate sugar skulls, and then place them on our community ofrenda or take home for their personal altars.  We pass the bucket on these days, too, and any proceeds raised go to the local Food Bank in honor of all those we are remembering. 

3) Giving Thanks. While many of would say we feel no thanks at all for the grief that has visited upon us, we can choose at some point to begin paying Kindnesses forward in the name of the person who died, in honor of the love we still feel for them.  One wonderful way to “allow your loved one to touch the world” is through the Kindness Project over at the MISS Foundation.  You basically do a kindness for someone and leave a card for them that says, “This random act of kindness was done in memory and honor of (fill in the name here.”  We’ve heard of amazing and creative stories thru this project over the years. 

4) Children’s Memorial Day. The second Sunday of each December is honored as Children’s Memorial Day.  Though this started as a grassroots awareness movement by one family, it has been embraced by international organizations like Compassionate Friends, MISS, MADD, BPUSA, and more.  When you are lighting your candles for winter holidays, add a candle for remembering those you love, for what you feel you’ve lost, for honoring the love you have that cannot be touched by death or loss.  If you want to connect with others at this time, many of the participating organizations have Memorial Day services, or you can organize your own candle lighting.  For full information click here.

5) Blue Christmas. There has been a quiet movement afoot in the last few years in faith based services.  We’re starting to see “Blue Christmas” masses and “Blue Holiday” rituals being offered.  Though I haven’t yet seen one central website or organization offering a comprehensive listing of these services, you can do a Google search for “Blue Christmas Service” and you’ll find lots of articles and listings.  The thing I find so interesting about this movement is that it is basically a faith based support for people whose faith is flagging at the moment. Rather than giving out platitudes or telling people how they “woulda, coulda, shoulda” feel, these events allow for people to feel what they feel when they feel it and have a place for expression and connection during the holiday season.  That’s a big leap up from the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” era!

6) Alternative Gift Giving. Another part of the holiday season is gift giving.  When we feel down, especially if we are missing someone who is physically gone, this can be a hard ritual to face.  There are several alternatives you might try.  Go ahead and buy for the person.  In our house, we think about how old our son would be now; what we would want for him; what he would want as gifts.  We shop, we wrap, we celebrate.  And we find a family with a child the same age that needs a little help in the gift giving department and we donate the gifts forward.  Sometimes we do this through the local food bank, but the Salvation Army also hosts an Angel Tree program for this each year.  Though I do sometimes keep one of the items to add to my son’s memory shelf in our home.

Another thing we’ve done is to have trees planted through Give-A-Tree program , or donate a flock of chicks through The Heifer Project.  Then we send note or cards to others saying, “Such and such has been done in your honor and in memory of our son.”  It is a way of getting off the endless cycle of material stuff! Not to mention, you are giving something back to the world while still honoring the tradition of gift giving and acknowledging your loved ones who have died. 

7) Time Off, Time Out. The holiday season can be bustling, but it can also be a time when things slow down.  Business slows, people take time off, kids are on holiday.  Be your own best advocate and make time off, time out for you and yours.  We all seem to keep busy schedules these days, blocking off time for various activities of each family member.  Well schedule time off, time out with equal weight and importance compared to any other activity.  Seriously.  Make an appointment for yourself to “Do Nothing.”  Allow yourself some silence.  Some reflection time.  Some time to breathe and feel your body and being.  Imagine setting aside the heavy feelings and grief.  Put them on the shelf outside the room – you can pick them up later.  And for now just sit and breathe.  Let your mind and heart touch on appreciation.  Chant for a few minutes, “I approve of myself.”  You don’t have to believe it, you might feel funny saying it, but try it out.  See how it feels to cheer for yourself, to be your own advocate, to be with yourself in love instead of criticism or hurriedness or mindlessness.  Give yourself the gift of an appointment with nothing!

8) A Self-Care New Year. As we move into the New Year, there is always lots of talk about resolutions and changes people want to make and keep.  But for this coming year, why not consider an alternative to the typical resolutions.  What about making a decision to be present to exactly who you are in this moment?  Instead of being in a constant state of needing to fix, get better, improve, why not be with the you that you are right now.  Tend to the you of this very moment.  Take a few moments in each day to be with yourself in a quiet space.  Listen to your breathing, hear what your body, mind, and spirit are calling.  Honor those callings. 

If your BEing really wants to do something around this practice, then get in the habit of making notes just after your quiet time.  Note what you hear, callings or visions that rose to the surface.  Use those notes to inspire you later.  Maybe they are the basis of some writings you want to do.  Maybe they are the sparks of a drawing or painting or collage you want to make.  Maybe they are the inklings of a new path of learning you’d like to explore.  Let them guide you as you learn to tend to yourself and your heART.

Whatever you decide to do (or not do), be (or not be) this holiday season, know that the holidaze can simply be a calling to explore your every day experience more creatively.  It is okay to add new traditions to old ones or to drop old ones entirely.  Each day you have the response-ability to create meaning in all that you do.  You are your own best advocate for finding your way through the holidaze.  And you are not alone.  Many of us out here are creatively exploring.  Connect as you need and want!  Make the holidays your own.

Kara LC Jones is a Grief & Creativity Coach and the heARTist behind the offerings at Mother Henna. If you found these ideas inspiring, there are other ideas for coping with the holidaze KotaPress, And on the KOTA: Knowing Ourselves Thru Art blog. We’ve also got Creative Prompts year round at both the Mother Henna blog and KOTA blog.

Thankfully Nikki Di Virgilio of The Soul Reporter is here with a guest post for us today; and it’s full to the brim about the mysteries behind Resistance, and some tools to keep it from happening.

Kids and The Resistance Epidemic
by Nikki Di Virgilio

How many times have we told our kids to do something and they either refuse, or do so with a constant whiney tune, of I don’t want to and why do I have to.  The request can be something as simple and mediocre as wiping the table, and yet they put up a fight.  It’s frustrating, and causes tension between our kids and us.  Depending on the severity of the resistance in our household, this tension over time can create an isolating and perhaps even numbing relationship, which is damaging to both parent and child. 

Resistance is defined as: the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.  Unfortunately resistance is our first response to almost any that comes our way. This is often the same for our children.

The word “power” is in the very definition of resistance. Resistence itself  is a power struggle between parent and child. Once we enter this planet, we are instantly faced with the power struggle of balancing the demands upon our minds, bodies and souls. We have to breathe on our own.  We have to eat to live.  We have to sleep to function and be well.  These are required and necessary things.  But then we get older, and there are more requirements. And these requirements often do not align with the truth of who we are and what we seek.  School demands we pay attention, not chew gum, not wear our hair a certain way, be smart, be happy, learn, and agree with what is being taught. Then society demands we look and act in a certain way. As do our parents. 

Consciously or unconsciously our children are absorbing all of these little and big demands all the time. It is no surprise they are resisting!  We are energetic beings, here to unfold the purpose of our soul.  We are not machines, which comply with the buttons being pushed–although we can, and often do. However, most of us don’t want to, especially the young ones who are coming to our planet right now.  They are different, and leading us on a new course, which is more properly aligned with our soul.

 What lessons and tools can we use to help our children grow beyond Resistance? 

 Lesson #1 : Teach cooperation.  Cooperation means working or acting together for a common purpose and benefit. No matter the age of our children, they will respond positively with this larger idea of cooperation. They often like to help and be a part of something bigger. We just have to show how valuable it is, and determine the common purpose. 

For example, maybe mom is making a special treat, but she also has lots of work to do around the house.  Mom would like to get that work done, before she makes the treat, and to do this, she needs help.  The common purpose is for the treat to be made so everyone can enjoy it. Therefore, everyone must help with the duties around the house.  They might still resist and complain, but if we continue to invite moments where we show and teach the value of working together for a common goal, eventually they will come to understand its value, and reward.

Hey, and for parents with young ones- you know Barney’s clean up song, right?  Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share.  Make cooperating fun- create a song, whistle while you work. 

Lesson #2: Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do(This comes from Denzel Washington.  Thanks Denzel.) When our kids get caught in the energy of resistance, it is difficult for them to see the greater purpose of whatever requirement that has come their way. We can help by giving them the perspective of doing what they have to do so they can do what they want to do. 

My oldest daughter, Alyssa is a senior in high school. She has dreams and plans of going to California after she graduates to continue her studies and gain experience as an actor.  Through all of her years in school she has been an A/B student. However, last year she had to take the MCA test.  She did not pass the test by two points, and now has to take it again, plus take a class to help prepare for it.  She hasn’t been happy about this at all. 

To move to a deeper and more resilient place, I remind her passing this test, no matter how unfair she or I thinks it is, it is what needs to be done so she can graduate and get on with what she wants to do, which is go to LA and pursue her talent. I also plant the seed of being receptive to the lesson of this experience.  What is it showing her?  What character traits might she develop by embracing this requirement to graduate?

Speaking of being receptive….

Tool #1: Model Receptivity. The best way to teach receptivity is to be an example of it.  Being receptive means having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.  How are you at being receptive?  Do you complain about what’s coming at you, or do you receive what’s coming to you, taking it as a lesson to be learned, and an opportunity to be stretched?  How open and flexible you are, will determine how your children respond to you and the world outside, and inside of them. 

Remember we are energetic beings, and our children are more connected to this truth than we are.  They often resist the energy we are carrying, which brings us to our next tool.  What is our intention when we require something from our children? What energy are we running? Are we coming from a place of control or respect?  Openness, or an expectation of conflict? 

Tool #2: Request & Ask, Don’t Demand. If we are coming from a place of expecting there to be conflict because that is what we are used to when we want our children to do something, then we will run a tight and constricted energy pattern, which may cause us to act as dictators demanding instead of cooperators requesting. Remember we are energy. Therefore, they may not be resisting “wiping the table.” Instead it may be the energy we are transmitting that they are resisting.

I understand the tight and constricted energy, as my youngest daughter Lilli and I have had lots of tension between us.  She demands with her drama and intense energy that I dig deeper and parent in a more mindful and loving way, and I have been resisting. However, I have moments with her that are open and easy, where no constrictive patterns are in place, and if they are, they aren’t able to sustain in the grace which is present.

On one such occasion, I wanted Lilli to do something.  Instead of forcing my agenda upon her because I expected conflict, I simply told her what my request was, and asked if it was ok.  It was powerful exchange.  There was no hesitation or resistance from her whatsoever and I felt as though we were two old souls respectfully and mindfully engaging and cooperating with one another.  Although I have yet to enter this space again, I know these moments can be more frequent, if we allow our agendas and resistances to melt away in the space of grace and honor of one another. 

Creating this space is possible when we develop the mindset which comes from the famous poem by Kahlil Gibran- Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. We forget this because our society has a limited belief, which says the opposite, that our children are ours to dictate to and put our agendas upon, but this simply isn’t true. They are souls, here on their own journey, and picked us as their teachers and guides.  What an amazing opportunity for us. 

The challenge, of course is staying in this space of receptivity and higher wisdom.  To do so we must be mindful of our intentions, and the agendas we may be putting upon them. If our intention is about respect and honor, and not control, cooperation will win.  Coming from cooperation, our agendas will dissipate, and we will trust they will do the “right” thing and cooperate.  This will allow us to hold a more gentle space when speaking to them, where we request and ask, and not demand.  

Which brings us to….

Tool #3: Allow for Space~ Mantra and Meditation. Maybe resistance in our children is a symptom of overwhelm.  Maybe they are tired, and when they whine and resist, they are saying I feel so safe with you this is my way of letting you know, Mom, Dad, please listen and help me.  I need a break. I need some space to be me

We are busy people on this planet. Life moves fast.  The culture is stuck in a perpetual pattern of more is better and constant movement means we are looking productive and useful.  All I want to say to this is- STOP.  There is a time for movement, and a time for space, for just being.  If we allow for this type of space and not have every minute superficially controlled, our children can breathe and have moments of remembering who they are, and why they are here.  Then we can better support their awakening and expressive journey.  What an amazing opportunity we have!  

One way we can facilitate space, is to teach a mantra and meditation.  A mantra can be sound, phrase or word, as simple as the word breathe, which can be said repeatedly while in the midst of resistance, mindless chatter and overwhelm in the brain. Meditation, a longer version of a mantra offers space between a stimulus and response as well.  Our children are never too young to learn these methods.  And if this doesn’t’ resonate, intentionally allow for space for them to just be- with no television, video games, or other distractions.  Less outer stimuli, means more authentic, inner stimuli so they can be who they are meant to be. 

I suggest you do this for yourself too.  The space you create inside yourself will give you an energy your children will not resist.  But it is going to take a commitment, and perhaps a shift in intention from parenting in angst and obligation to parenting from a spiritual perspective and duty. Here we become watchers of our children, noticing their resistances and where they get stuck. When we notice, we guide them through it with wisdom and trust, so their soul’s journey continues to unfold.  We must allow space for this journey, and the best space is in the home. 

Resistance is one of those large monsters we face on our spiritual journey  but with some education, investigation and willingness to expand inside ourselves, we can create enough space so we can feel the resistance and cooperate anyway.

Nikki Di Virgilio is a mother of two girls, a homemaker, and a keen investigator of  the spiritual journey.  She blogs at  The Soul Reporter  and  The Inspired Homemaker. She also educates and facilitates the awakening journey to individuals and groups.  For more information about her services, contact her at Nikki’s Sacred Space.

One of today’s posts is by Jennifer McGuiggan of The Word Cellar. Jennifer is a professional freelance writer and editor. As such, she knows a thing or two about creative cycles. She’s talked me out of more than one slump, launching me past my sticking points and on to project completion. Today she shares with Magpie Girl readers “The Wheel of Work” concept. Join Jennifer as she shows us how to propel ourselves past our natural sticking points by playing to our strengths — and enlisting help for the rest.

Overcoming Your Natural Sticking Points (Innovator’s Edition)
By Jennifer McGuiggan

I can’t figure out how to start this blog post, which is absolutely perfect. Perfect because I’m trying to write about overcoming your natural sticking point in a project. And mine just happens to be this exact point: the point between brainstorming/mapping out the idea and refining/finalizing the project. I get stuck at the beginning of production and creation.

I used to wonder why “everyone else” has such great ideas and gets so much done. My husband, ever my cheerleader, pointed out that I do have a lot of potentially great ideas, all floating around in my head or stashed away in notebooks. He regularly reminds me that I do manage to get stuff done, even big things like starting a freelance writing and editing business; researching/applying to/enrolling in graduate school; and navigating the treacherous waters of real estate and mortgages to buy our first house.

So what’s the problem, I wondered. Why do I sometimes get so stuck that I jump ship and leave my ideas to languish on the deck?

Then a friend shared the concept of the Wheel of Work with me and the pieces fell into place. The wheel tracks the eight phases of a project and can help us to see where we thrive and where we need support. (Note: I don’t know the original source of the Wheel of Work. If you do, please tell us in the comments.)

The Wheel of Work

I’m naturally skilled in the conceptual half, particularly Advising, Innovating, and Developing. This means I’m good at brainstorming and connecting ideas, thinking about things in new and unexpected ways, researching, and collecting resources. But when it’s time to Organize and Produce, I seize up. All those possible directions and a desire to “do it right” can stymie my attempts at creating. I dream things up, but then I have trouble Organizing my thoughts and moving into Production.

If you look at the wheel, you’ll see that Organize and Produce are opposite of Advise and Innovate. This is usually the case: The pieces of the wheel furthest away from our natural strengths are the pieces we find to be most difficult.

If you get stuck at the point of creation, here are four tips on getting from idea generation to post-production.

1. Collect your project ideas in one place. I struggle with this and tend to have scraps of paper and journal pages littered with ideas. But I do my best to put them all in one notebook that’s segmented for different idea types, like essay and article ideas, resources to consult, and possible collaborative projects. This way, I know where everything is and can keep track of my brain jumble.

2. Consider the path of least resistance. Natural-born innovators often end up with long lists of potential projects and no sense of direction. When you have too many projects to choose from, or even too many possible directions within a single project idea, you can end up quitting before you start because you feel overwhelmed. If you can’t figure out what project to focus on, prioritize your list of ideas. The criteria you use for prioritizing is up to you. Maybe you want to pick the project that you think has the most money-making potential. Maybe one project seems ripe for the picking because your audience is hungry for it.

When in doubt, I say go for the one that most appeals to you. We tend to think that anything “good” has to be “hard,” but I say do what works and feels good. Don’t think of it as the easy way out. Rather, think of it was the easy way through. The same thing applies to choosing a direction within one particular project. For example, I just kept on writing this post, going in the direction that seemed easiest as I went along. As I got further down the path, I could more clearly see what needed to come next and where I needed to go back and revamp things.

3. Stop assuming and get the facts.One of the ways that we sabotage ourselves is by making assumptions. We assume that we can’t afford a graphic designer, so why bother to start writing that ebook? We assume we won’t find a vacant room at the bed and breakfast we love, so why bother to plan that getaway? We assume we’ll run out of ideas halfway through the article, so why bother to create an outline? Stop it with the what-ifs! Don’t let a lack of information dictate your progress. Worrying about what may-or-may-not-be just keeps you stuck. Get the facts you need to figure out the next steps. And remember that not every step of a project is contingent upon another step. Figure out what you can do concurrently, like writing the ebook content while waiting to hear back from designers. If you stay committed to the project, you’ll find a way to make it work.

4. Enlist help. Chances are you have friends and colleagues who are naturally skilled in other parts of the Wheel of Work. When you’re stuck on how to begin or what to do next, ask for input from someone you trust. Even someone with the same sticking points as you may be able to help. For example, although I struggle to see my way forward at the beginning of my projects, I do it with ease and confidence when working with my clients. We tend to create drama and fear around our natural sticking points when it comes to our own projects because we’re emotionally attached to them. An outsider doesn’t have the same baggage and can point the way forward.

This is how I get past my natural sticking points. What are your sticking points along the Wheel of Work and how do you overcome them? Add to the Giant Pool of Wisdom by leaving your suggestions in the comments.

Jennifer McGuiggan is a professional writing, editing, and consulting services to businesses, organizations, and individuals. Read about her services at The Word Cellar and browse through her portfolio to learn more.