This post is part of an on-going series inspired by reader’s comments to this initial post. To read all the posts on Standing in Your Own Power, click here.

Muscle testing is great for getting around chatty Gremlins and circumnavigating self-sabotaging thoughts. It helps you stand in your own power by tapping into your body’s deep wisdom and intuition. Here’s how to do it in a few easy steps. (You’ll need a friend to help you.)

1) Write the different things you are considering on small pieces of paper. Create a range of options. For instance, if you are try to decide to help a friend out of financial straits, your options could be:

• “Should I loan them X amount of dollars.”
• “Should I loan them x (smaller amount) of dollars?”
• “Should I give them  x amount of dollars?”

2) First, while standing, shake your hands to discharge any tensions or energy you are holding around the decision making process. Ask your friend, the Tester, to do the same.

3) Extend your non-dominate hand out to one side, parallel to the ground. Have your Tester press down on your forearm to gauge how much strength you generally have in that arm. (The Tester can put one hand on your opposite shoulder for counter balance, but this may not be necessary.)

4) Now hold the first decision option in your other hand. Extend your non-dominate arm again and have your Tester press down on it with the same amount of force. If your arm remains strong, your body is intuitively telling you that is a decision your mind/body are in agreement with. If it weakens or goes down, it’s the wrong answer.

5) Between each test, move away from the slips of paper and shake off your hands. (Have the tester do the same.) When you hold each price in your hand, think about the decision, and imagine completing that option. You can also do this “blind” by folding the pieces of paper in half. It’s interesting to see if you get the same results.

Have fun and let me know how this technique works for you!

Need a community around you to support you on your quest to Stand in Your Own Power? Flock can help. Join our trailblazing group of women as we dedicate ourselves to “finding a spirituality

Train with Magpie Girl is an on-going series designed to help you learn the ropes of creative, empowered living. From emotional support to practical Tools of the Trade — get the insider info you need. Click here to see all my training tips. Email me your sticking points! I’m happy to help. Thank you for being here.

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if you are alone today
and the rain falls cold
your head, uncovered.

If your work falters
if the audience fades, if
the solutions seem right
there,
just beyond your fingers.

If you cannot find the one
ephemeral
slippery
answer you need.

If your vision
oustrips your resources.

I am with you.

I am with you in
the ache.
In the longing that is
a dream deferred.

In the trying and the failure and
in the next attempt
I am with you.

In the résistance,
in the campaign, in
the artful vendetta,
I am with you

In the setting of the sails
in the spilling of new ink, there
at the very edge of the map,
I am with you.

Steady now.
The Cape is just around the corner.

Be brave upon the rocks.

This post is part of an on-going series inspired by reader’s comments to this initial post. To read all the posts on Standing in Your Own Power, click here.

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Today in our Standing in Your Own Power series, I’d like to share a visualization technique taught to me by Leonie  Allen, host of Goddess Guidebook and creator of the Chakra Healing Guided Meditation Kit.  (And now proud new mama of baby Ostara!)

Last year, I called Leonie because I was feeling insecure – tossed about by a fistful of opinions and ideas, none of which I was sure were mine. Leonie walked me through a chakra cleansing process (something I know very little about.) She said my Manipura Chakra, in the solar plexus, was dim. The Manipura Chakra is the source of personal power and will power.  So Leonie asked me to focus on that chakra in this way:

1) Visualize a yellow or golden symbol of power. (A scepter immediately sprang to mind for me.)
2) From a comfortable seated position, place your hands over your solar plexus (navel).
3)  Take ten deep breaths focusing on your solar plexus and visualizing your power symbol there.

I did this every morning for about a month to encourage a feeling of being rooted in a place of personal power. (It really helped!)

Do you have any meditative techniques that help you stand in your own power? Mantras that ground you? Images that help you stay strong? Do tell in the comments below and contribute the giant pool of wisdom, now forming at Magpie Girl.

Have you seen Fond of Snape’s 365 days series? That woman really gets whimsy!

This post is part of an on-going series inspired by reader’s comments to this initial post. To read all the posts on Standing in Your Own Power, click here.
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My favorite form of exercise is swimming, which I do several times a week. Conventional wisdom says I should follow a training program. You know the drill — so many laps of this kind of stroke, so many of that. Instead, I tend to just lollygag along with a nice even-paced breaststroke. Why? So I can concentrate. On what you say? On fan fiction.

As an NF (as in Meyers Briggs ENFJ) I get super-involved with stories. There is an almost constant narrative going on in my head. I wonder what the deal is with that older woman with 4 babies in one stroller? What would have happened if I had done drama in college? Where did the bus driver immigrate from? This is especially true for me with TV characters. I finished Big Love season 3 weeks ago, and I’m still wondering “How is Margene’s small business going?” When I watch a story I get very, VERY involved.

But I’m also a high ranking “J” in Meyers Briggs, which means I am quite serious most of the time. I wonder a lot about the merits of my decisions. I worry almost obsessively over the question, “What’s next?” All that worry and wondering can be powerful. It lets me live with intention and encourages me to cast my Mondo Beyondo dreams out into the Universe. But it can also become a burden, weighing me down and making me curmudgeonly.

I used to use my pool time to make plans for the day, writing and re-writing long tuex duex lists in my head and hoping I’d remember them until I could get my hands on a pen. Then one day I found my mind wandering to some TV show or another, creating a new plot line for a favorite character.

“Nonsense,” said my Gremlins. “What a waste of time.” (Gremlins are very good at listening to Conventional Wisdom.)

“Voila!” said The Muse. “Embrace whimsy.”

And so now as I swim, I write stories in my head. Right now I’m enjoying a sub-plot for the character of Walter Bishop on The Fringe. He delights me. In my whimsical version he is the benevolent ringmaster of a traveling circus. I think it may all be in his mind — a sort of coping mechanism during his stay in the mental institution. It’s ever so entertaining and makes 45 minutes of lap time just fly by!

Now, if you are still with me you may be wondering, “What has this got to do with standing in your own power?” In response I ask you to remember that whimsy is the antidote to blind obedience. Practicing Whimsy helps you thumb your nose at what “they” say. It tunes into your internal voice of play and wonder, and turns down the overly-ambitious workaholic voice that our consumerist, Protestant-work-ethic culture has hammered into our heads. It frees you.

Go ahead, give it at try. What whimsical impulse lies at the tip of your tongue? Here are some fun ones I can think of:

-Buy a basket of strawberries (yes, even out of season.)
-Use Crayolas.
-Ask a stranger to let you pet their puppy.
-That thing you loved doing as a kid — rollerskating, making models, lining up the dominoes. Do it again.
-Spin in circles until you collapse on the grass. Watch the clouds spin.
-Wear ponytails, braids, striped socks.

What will you do today to re-introduce yourself to whimsy? Tell us in the comments below and be an inspiration to our oh-so-serious selves. To read more about Whimsy, click here and here.

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Need a community around you to support you on your quest to Stand in Your Own Power? Flock can help. Join our trailblazing group of women as we dedicate ourselves to “finding a spirituality that fits.” Click here to learn more.

My current method of corresponding with The Muse — letters to Vincent.

This is an on-going series inspired by reader’s comments to this initial post. To read all the posts on Standing in Your Own Power, click here.

To me, the Muse is that internal voice that guides and inspires me. She is not an external guest who comes to visit, but an internal source of wisdom dwelling within. Because the language of the Trinity is meaningful to me and because the world of creativity and art are so intrinsic to whom I am – I have come to think of The Muse and The Spirit synonymously.  She turns my head, shows me where to go, and as we travel she holds my hand (or gives me a shove!)  

Standing in your own power requires that you stop listening to external sources of authority, and learn to tune into your internal voice of authority – your instinct, your intuition, your Muse. Corresponding with The Muse turns down the volume on the external static, and turns up the dial on your intuitive voice.

Embracing Whimsy is one of the main ways I have come to correspond with The Muse. To me the language of whimsy is The Muse’s native tongue—my native tongue, long forgotten.  I have been well-trained by the Institutions (external authority). Their voice is familiar to me. It is the language I have spoke then longest. Their instructions about “how it is done” ring loud in my ears. I tend to blindly obey the institutional voice.

Whimsy is the antidote to blind obedience.  Whimsy is my native tongue, though I barely remember a time when I spoke it so easily. Now, whenever I have the impulse to do something “they” would think is ridiculous, I recognize it as Whimsy, the voice of the Muse, and I try to leap. This helps me stretch my “listening-to-my-intuition” muscles, and lets me practices saying “yes” to intuition. Here are some things that I’ve done which seem Whimsical to me (and therefore inspired by The Muse):

-I moved to Denmark just to do something different.
-I have regularly have breakfast with Vincent Van Gogh (his books and art) and write him letters.
-I joined a Danish gospel choir, though I can’t understand a thing the director is saying.
-I bought a vintage scrapbook of Danish theatre performances with hand drawn illustrations.

None of these things makes much sense. Certainly “they” would not suggest such a course of action. Yet each of them has shaped my life in a significant way. Each of them is transforming me, helping me become. The Muse and her voice of Whimsy led me here. Without her I would not have found my way.

What does the Muse sound like in your heart, in your ear? How might you correspond with her? Literally– though writing her letters (and penning her answers back)? Verbally–through talking aloud in an empty room, through singing in the shower? Physically — through the sign language of yoga, or running, or swimming? Where can you hear the voice of your inspiration? How can you camp out there and practice your native tongue?

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Need a community around you to support you on your quest to Stand in Your Own Power? Flock can help. Join our trailblazing group of women as we dedicate ourselves to “finding a spirituality that fits.” Click here to learn more.

What kind of questions do the Flock experts answer? When you have a Life Coach, a Sexologist, a Mental Health Counselor, a Dream Counselor, and a Money Healer on staff, the answer is almost anything. Here’s an example…

Originally posted in the Flock, February 3 2010.

Hello, Flock! Welcome to our first dream session with Karen Mori Bonner, MS, LPC. This month, a Flock Dreamer sends this dream:

It’s a recurring dream I’ve had for as long as I can remember and it always involves being in a big, dark, warm and comforting house full of rich wood and soft lamplight, lots of windy corridors and nooks and crannies for curling up and reading. I know it’s my house and I always marvel as how I can afford such a gorgeous, large home. But…at some point there’s a party happening downstairs and I go along and try to join in. It’s a work-related party with people I hate and I can’t figure out whether I’ve invited them or they’ve just turned up. I think from the conversation (which I can never remember) that they’re all much more intelligent than I am. I get really annoyed that they’re in my house and I can’t work out why. At some point then the house disappears and we’re in some kind of open-air venue that feels alien to me. Then I wake up!

Karen Replies:

Thank you, Dreamer! First, a reminder: I can’t (won’t) interpret the dream; I will make suggestions and comment on themes and larger symbolism found in the dream. It’s the responsibility of our Dear Dreamer to try these on and discard anything that doesn’t fit and produce that “a-HA!” moment.

Recurring dreams – Dreams come as pictures or little plays from our unconscious to tell us something about ourselves we do not already know. Think of a recurring dream as a blinking neon sign – you haven’t got the message yet.

Big dark warm comforting house – Often (not always) houses represent the psyche itself – where we live in our heads. This is especially true about “dream” houses that we don’t know from waking life like this one. A common theme is to discover a downstairs or an upstairs or more rooms than we thought – our psyche is bigger than we think and we’re only conscious of a limited area.

Party/downstairs – There is always a party going on in the unconscious! References to downstairs, underground, under water can be about deeper, not yet conscious places in our psyche. The party may refer to the dynamic elements in our psyche – our complexes. Don’t get excited about complexes. They are not necessarily positive or negative – they are just constellations of psychological energies that make up who we are based on our experiences and the emotions that accompanied them. (Say that three times fast!)

Work-related – the dream may be a comment on your work life, Dreamer – but not necessarily. However, that’s what I’d consider first if it were my dream.

People I hate – Ahhhh…. Here it is. Remember! Every thing and every one in our dreams are parts of us. Oh, NO! These “people I hate” are our Shadow. Parts of ourselves we’ve disowned, disavowed, devalued. Yet Psyche is always moving to reunite us with our split off selves so we can become conscious of them. Why? So we don’t project that shadowy stuff onto other people! The work for this Dreamer is to examine carefully the “people I hate” and come to see what part of that is her. We are selectively blind about ourselves but greater consciousness is called for in the world and it starts with us. Yikes! No wonder Dreamer (dream ego) is annoyed! Such an examination and call to consciousness may call for – brace yourselves! Change!
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Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl is an online soulspa full of support, guidance, inspiration and community. This private membership site creates a safe haven dedicated to “finding a spirituality that fits.” Please stop by to learn more about our current offerings, meet our professional soulcare providers, or to join us in the Flock.

Ah, telling the truth. Sometimes it can feel risky, costly, even terrifying.

One area where I have had to do a lot of risky-feeling truth-telling is in the area of religion. I grew up in the church, spent tens of thousands of dollars on a seminary education, and worked in religious institutions until my mid-30’s. When my religious practices and beliefs began to shift, I was terrified to tell the truth. What would happen to my job? My calling? My community?  But eventually “… the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” (Anaïs Nin)  I started speaking the truth. And you know what? I lost all of those things… and rebuilt new more nurturing versions. Was it difficult? Yes. Was it life-affirming and worth it. Absolutely.

Today in our 1Q Interview, I am thrilled to introduce you to spiritual director and long-time colleague, Ronna Detrick. Ronna is the host to all sorts of soulful discussions at her site RENEGADE Conversations. On April 13th she’s hosting a free teleseminar “Telling the Truth in Extravagant Ways.” Today Ronna’s speaking to us about the bravery of truth telling, and how it can change your life for the better.

Q: In our work you and I often hear the hum of fear behind women’s voices when they talk about wanting to tell the truth – the truth about their beliefs, their dreams, and their desires. What is the first thing you say to a client when you hear that fearful hum in her voice? How do you begin to address it together?

A: Such a good question! First, let me say that I can very quickly hear that fearful hum because I have known it so profoundly in my own voice, my own life. When I hear it, the first thing I do is begin asking “what if” questions. “What if you said whatever you wanted?” “What if you felt (and expressed) whatever you wanted?” “What if you did whatever you wanted?” As soon as we step into those realms, the list of risks and ramifications is legion. Our usual response is to quickly pack everything back up, shove it down inside, and soldier on. (I did that for years and can still feel my tendency to do such, at times.) But what I want to create is a level of safety that allows the unraveling, revealing, and storytelling  to continue; to create space in which those lists can be tenderly exposed, and then kindly, slowly, gently wondered about, explored, and talked through…truthfully. It’s not a quick and simple process. But even the smallest movement of our internal voices into external realms – truth-telling – is beautiful, powerful, and profound.

Is there some truth within you that you’ve been longing to speak aloud? We’re happy to listen. You can whisper it (or SHOUT it) in the comments. We promise to give you virtual congratulatory pats on the back and to say helpful and supportive things!
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 You can find Ronna Detrick’s blog and services at RENEGADE Conversations. And don’t forget to sign up for her free April 13th teleseminar, “Telling the Truth in Extravagant Ways” by clicking here.

Our 1Q interviews  turn into 3Q Interviews at our one line soulspa, Flock: soulcare with Magpie Girl. Join us as Ronna gives us tips on staying brave enough to tell the truth, and talks about how the stories of other brave women can inspire our truth-telling. Click here  to learn how to become a member of the Flock.

I know it means not letting your internal authority be overruled by external sources of authority (religious institutions, schools, “experts”). I know it has to do with tapping into your intuition.  I know it is the most essential thing I can teach my children.

Allyson wrote to me asking that I expand on these thoughts. She has been on my mind a lot these days, and I figure that is a prompt from The Muse. So I am going to listen. For the next 8 weeks I will do my level best to write a post on each of the *8Things I Know about Standing in Your Own Power. These may be embryonic thoughts, but embryos have been known to go on to do great things. This week: Defy Institutions.

From the time our parents enroll us in preschool the Institutions start to shape us. Sit in your chair. Face front. Raise your hand. Don’t dot your “i”s with smiley faces.

This is not entirely a bad thing. At their best, Institutions teach us how to work in groups and to play nice with others. They introduce us to new ideas and provide us a place to practice.

The problem with Institutions — particularly church and school — is that a big part of their gig is to be Authority Figures. They get to be in charge because they purport to be the keepers of knowledge and instructions. They Know What to Do. They are the experts at How it is Done.  Furthermore, the Institutions have a vested interest in keeping the status quo. Because if the things they have authority over change — the way you learn, the way you worship, the way you connect to God — well, then they are out of a gig aren’t they? (Unless they can adapt. Unfortunately institutions are notorious bad at adapting at any kind of reasonable pace. They are clunky, those institutions.  Even as culture begins to shift, Institutions remain the same in mis-guided effort to hold on to power.)

Now what if YOU are an emerging, growing being? What if every day you are growing into your own skin, experiencing moments of revelation — what if you are becoming? What if you are doing all these things and you are embedded in the Institutions, which are standing still, ruminating on the past, and reminding you ad nauseam that they are the Authority?

When this happens you experience cognitive dissonance.

The messages the External Authorities are telling you, and the messages your Internal Authority is giving you – your Intuition – are discordant.  What you are being told about How it is Done and what you are functionally experiencing within your own being is not matching up. What Everyone Says and what your Own Wise Soul is telling you to do are clashing. The Institution is telling you to pay attention to their External  Authority, while your Internal Authority is tugging on the hem of your garment.

Now, you’ve been trained since preschool, right? So the Institutionalize Voices in your head are very loud. They are telling you to acquiesce. They are telling you that it is scary to challenge Authority. The Institutions are saying that Bad Things happen to little girls in red hoods who go off the beaten path. They are encouraging you to be afraid.

To this I say, “Bullshit.”

You have a deep seeded source of Divine, Intuitive Wisdom. The voice of the Institution does not get to drown that out.  Start listening to your own Voice. Name it. Acknowledge it. Act on it. And the voices of the Institution, of External Authority, will begin to quiet..and then to fade…and eventually you will rarely hear them at all.

Every time you practice…Every time you notice your Internal Authority…Every time you hear her voice you are standing in your own power. Every time you act upon it, you add to you power and make it increasingly possible to do it again, and again, and again. The effects are cumulative.

Here are some examples of how you might step into your own power, and listen to your Internal Authority:

External Voice: The school tells you to present your report double spaced with one inch margins and the staple angled on the left hand corner.
Internal Voice: You see the whole project as photographs in your head.
Act: Ask to give your assignment as a slide show instead.  (Do it both ways, if you must.)

External Voice: The church tells you to worship sitting in a pew that faces forward, making eye contact with no one but the Authority figure in the pulpit.
Internal Voice: Your body is longing to move and your mouth is full of the words which rest on your tongue.  
Act: Hike to the nearest lake and sing your lungs out while your voice echoes against the cliff walls.

External Voice:  The News is telling you that to survive you have to work full-time in a job that does nothing to feed your soul.
Internal Voice: You are longing for a flexible creative job that honors your body’s rhythms and lets you do what you love.
Act: Forget buying a house, sell your car, reduce your consumption, and strike out on your own.

Conventional Wisdom is frequently out of date, but the Divine Intuition within you is always current, always functional, and always speaking. Defy Institutions. Find your own way.

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Help us make this article stronger and better in its next incarnation. Add your thoughts, questions, and examples in the comments below. (Testify! We need your story!) Thank you for adding to the Giant Pool of Wisdom, now forming. We’re so glad you’re here!

Need a community around you to support you on your quest to Stand in Your Own Power? Flock can help. Join our trailblazing group of women as we dedicate ourselves to “finding a spirituality that fits.” Click here to learn more.

(To read the nararation about SoulRetreats instead, click here.)

Do you want to form a Soultribe of your very own? Are you longing to hole up with some like minded friends for nurture and comfort, but you aren’t sure where to start? SoulRetreats: how to host a tribe with art soul is just what you’ve been looking for — a practical-but-beautiful book to walk you through the steps of organizing your very own SoulRetreat. We’ll help you do it without financial burdens or hosting burn-out. And we’ll do it for just $20 — a small price to pay to be on your way to a tribe to call home.

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

Here’s what’s inside:
SoulRetreats is a soulful, instructive eBook written by Rachelle Mee-Chapman, with special guests Jennifer McGuiggan, Jolie Guillebeau and Rebecca Dallin. Within its 59 pages you’ll find poetic essays nestled alongside practical “YBH” (yes, but how?) instructions. In addition there are webpages where you can share your experiences with other readers; and links to the free online tools you’ll need to make your Soulretreat practical and easy. Because art and beauty are of high value at Magpie Girl, SoulRetreats has an attractive layout with photos and design elements by Neil Sittler of Stickflower Designs.

When you buy SoulRetreats, you’ll also received a link to our free book, SoulFood: how to cook for tribe. SoulFood includes delicious vegetarian and gluten-free recipes by Jolie Guillebeau, and ecumenical table blessings gathered by Jessica Schafer. It makes cooking with your soultribe easy and satistfying.

You have everything you need! Let’s get started.

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

Contents of SoulRetreats

• How Something Good Finally Got Born
• Preparing for Your Soultribe
• Unpacking: Letting Go of Past Tribes
• Invitations and Introductions
• How to Quash a Gremlin Uprising
• Not the Mom: Creating Co-Ownership in a Tribe
• Sample SoulRetreat Schedule
• Tabletop Spirituality
• Ten Tips for SoulRetreat SoulFood
• How Not to Lose Money
• Follow-Up: *8Things to Keep Your Soultribe Connected

Order SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. ($20)

The Magpie Girl Guides Promise
If you don’t find this book lovely and helpful, I will happily refund your money. Just email me within 30 days of purchase. No worries.

Love my work?
Spread the good word about this good work, and become an affiliate. (For this, I thank you.)

Need a Soultribe Right Now?
Come join us in our online soulspa, Flock: Soulcare with Magpie Girl. We’d be happy to welcome you home.

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Cate was yelling at me. Again.

Every day it’s the same story. I pick Cate up from school and she happily shows me the new trick she can do on the peddle car; the stone she dug up in the sand pit; how many times she can hop the jump rope on one foot. We find Eden and start the ten minute walk home. By minute seven Cate is screaming about something. Anything.

We started with sympathy, then moved on to time outs, and I’m sure at some point there’s been some yelling on my part as well. Clearly Cate was struggling with the transition between school and home. Clearly she was angry. And clearly whatever she was yelling about was not what was really bothering her.

Finally, I sat her down at the kitchen table and got down at eye level. I addressed her very calmly and very seriously, “Cate. This isn’t working. You’re having trouble moving between being at school and being at home. I can see that you are angry, right?”

“Yes! I. AM. ANGRY!” (also crying)

“It’s totally okay to be angry. But screaming at Mommy is not okay, right?”

“RIGHT! OKAY? OKAY? RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!”

“Did you know anger is a cover-up emotion? It covers up some other emotion. Something else is hiding under there.”

“It is?” (now backing down to mere sniffles)

“Yes. And I need you to think about it and tell me what it is that’s hiding under there.”

With that, the floodgates broke open. She missed all the friends she left behind when we moved. She didn’t have any friends at school. And she missed BF Day (her old school.) And some of the kids said mean things. And she doesn’t know Danish yet. And her only friends who speak English live far, far away. And did she mention, she didn’t have any friends at school?

Well, I’d already addressed all of those things. We talked about how making friends was her superpower, but that it took time. I had reminded her that we had only been at the new school for 2 weeks. I had explained that it would take a little longer than usual because we don’t know Danish yet. But, I had assured her, friends would come.

Knowing I’d already said all of this, and having a not unsmall amount of parental wisdom, I did not go into this again. Instead I asked her a question of clarification, “Cate. Do you want Mommy to talk about all these problems with you, or do you just need someplace to put them all.”

“Like what place?”

“Like a shrine.”

“I could make a shrine?”

Sure could. I dove under my desk and came up with three or four odd little boxes and tins. Cate chose a tin that used to hold bandages – Jesus bandagesto be exact. After asking for stickers, tape and some scratch paper, Cate went to work. Soon she had a bonafide Shrine for Hard Feelings. It consisted of the bandage tin, a sticker of a sacred heart Jesus, some fortune cookie sized strips of paper cello-taped to the side, and one of those tiny golf pencils. Cate wrote her hard feelings down on the pieces of paper and tucked them into the tin.

“If I put these in here, Jesus will make the sad feelings go away.” she said.

“Well,” I fine tuned, “Jesus might not make them go all the way away, but at least he can hold them for a little while.”

Cate has been faithfully using the Shrine for Hard Feelings for a week now. Sometimes she’ll start ramping up into a yell-fest, but then you can see her sort of visibly pull up, and she’ll say “Wait a minute,” and go find her shrine. I’ll see her scribbling away, then tucking the paper into the tin and snapping it shut. A few minutes later she’ll be back with me, or her sister, or her dad, and the steam will have been vented.

Sometimes I wonder what all my ad hoc spirituality is teaching my children. I’m trying my best — but so did my parents, and my church, and my religious school — and I sure ended up with a bunch of crap mixed in there with the goodies. If I make up random sacraments, if my children spend their lives building Shrines for Hard Feelings and hurling plates at Anger Altars, will they regret it? I am not sure. But this I believe; my attempts, though small and flawed and most assuredly open for misinterpretation, these humble attempts at caring for these precious souls will teach them these true things

Your feelings are real.
Someone loves you enough to help in hard times.
God is big enough to handle your anger.
There is a place for you.

That seems like a good place to start.

What would happen if you gathered up all the projects you’ve worked on in the past year to two? You might be pleasantly surprised! Stack all your knitting, gather all your sketches, print out all your poems. Let’s open a gallery!

a selection of my collages, with ideas for supplies

It is silent and still as “snow, on snow, on snow”  comes down. Cate and I are bundled up to our noses against the cold, but happy in the oasis that is the walled garden near our urban home.

“Can we visit the Fairy Tree?,” asks Cate.

“Of course!” I reply.

“Oh good, I want to give the Fairies the Snowball of Honor.” says Cate.

When we get to the tree, Cate leaves her snowball in a hollow as an offering.

“Hey Cate,” I say, “tomorrow is Epiphany and we get to find the name of the star we will follow for the year. Want to ask the Fairies what the name of your star will be?” She nods. She closes her eyes and holds out her hand it it’s puffy pink glove. I say, “Imagine that the Fairies are carrying a word to you. They are swirling around you like the snow flakes. And now, they are putting the word in your hand.”  I touch her open palm with one finger. “Open you eyes! ”

The second her eyes open, the word is on her tongue. “Friendship!” she exclaims. “The name of my star is Friendship!”

And so, our new year begins.

Cate, last Winter, at the Fairy Tree.

For those of you who would like to move deeper into a practice of  Epiphany, you can learn more about this tradition, receive a spoken-word blessing, and get help crafting your own High Holy Days atFlock with Magpie Girl: a soulcare spa.  Thanks for being here!

 
Pen’s photo of her Dear John letter — a long overdue break up with fear.

Have you read Pen’s break up letter over at The Penny Has Dropped? Seriously. It’s the best post I’ve read all year.

Like many of you I’ve been kind of blah about reflecting on 2009. And I’m even less organized in my thoughts about what I want to project into 2010. But telling fear to fuck off?  That I’m in to.

So here’s what I’m thinking, tonight, on New Year’s Eve, I’m going to write a break up letter to fear. Not only is it New Year’s Eve, but it’s also a Full Moon, and a Blue Moon to boot. If that’s not serious mojo, I don’t know what is. So what do you say? Wanna join me?

What parting words do you have to say to Fear? Jot them down on a note card. Then take a photo and add it to our Flickr pool to encourage others to dump the bum. Say “I’m in!” in the comments below to help us all along.  “Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.”

The monkey-ish part of my mind is telling me that everything is going to fall apart: I’ll get sick again and not be able to keep up. No one will pay for my services and skill. And the loudest message of all: “Everyone Else is more Helpful than You.”

I’m embarrassingly predictable.

Part of this pattern is attributable to my religious upbringing, which drilled into my subconscious this If/Then clause:

If you ‘step out to do God’s work’ then you will ‘come under attack.’

I point this out because I know many of my readers are in the same boat. I think part of what we do here together, is to re-write our inner narratives so they reflects more health, more shalom. When my voices loom large and I start defining things as “attack,” it helps to remember that this discombobulated feeling is actually a normal part of the creative process; that many of my artistic friends express the same phenomenon; and that like the physical reality of childbirth, eventually these hormonally-things level out.

In the wake of this gremlin uprising, I decided to check in with some of my favorite writers. Once a week or so I go through the blogs on my RSS feeds. I follow about 50 people, and checking in on them is one of my favorite things to do when I feel stuck, or overwhelmed, or lonely. There is so much beauty in these writers and artists, so much wisdom, and hope and breakthrough. Today was no different. Everyone seemed to have cooked up good stuff over the holidays. But this time, instead of inspiring me, those rich, winsome posts started getting me down. “See,” said the monkey gremlins “I told you Everyone Else is More Helpful than You.”

I started getting whiney. Whiney, insecure, and jealous. I don’t want those feelings. I don’t even feel like they belong to me. They belong to my miserly, selfish, un-generous Evil Twin. The real me is grateful and generous. The real me celebrates the success and wisdom of Other Women. The real me is Dangerously Giving. The real me is madly in love with Abundance and throws things out into the universe two handfuls at a time.

So in an effort to quite my Gremlins, settle my Monkey Mind, and banish my Evil Twin, I decided to sing. (Tra La La!) As an antidote, I am Singing the Praises of kind bloggers who have brought wisdom, insight and beauty into my life today. I’m honoring their Passion and Attentiveness. I’m saying: “Hey, look over there at what THEY did!” Most of all, I’m being grateful. Because at my core, that is my truest self.

May you find all these good things and more today.

Much Warmth,

Rachelle

Bloggers to Banish The Gremlin Blues

If you need to banish fear from your life: write a Dear Fear letter with The Penny Has Dropped. (She starts with “Dear Fear, fuck off….). And for more on fear, have a cuppa with the ElderWoman (via Anchors and Masts).

If you need a rite of letting go for the New Year:  Pink Coyote has a powerful one. (It involves fire!)

If you need to set aside all the rush and emotion and ups and downs of The Holidays and just celebrate possibility, The Bliss Chick can help.

If you are dreading re-entry to your work/school/normal routine, The Girl Who Cried Epiphany has some good thoughts on dealing with other people’s energy. (A constant growing edge for me.)

Who gave you the food you needed today? Share some link love in the comments below and pass the goodness on!

From colorful celebrations like Dia de los Muertos to more solemn ceremonies like Blue Christmas mass, Kara has gathered an impressive list of resources to help you or someone you love navigate the difficult waters of the holiday season.

In my work as a pastor, and later as a soulcare specialist, I found that those who are experiencing grief are severely underserved. So please, pass this resource around. The world needs people like Kara who know good grief.

8 Creative Approaches to Grief:
creating new traditions for the holidaze
by Kara LC Jones

When talking with people about grief & creativity, I often hear things like, “I’m just not very creative” or “I’m not really an artist.”  The thing about learning to live life after loss is that creativity becomes an every day practice, not just an artistic endeavor.  It’s not always about writing poetry or drawing or painting.  When someone is overwhelmed by grief and goes to the ocean to throw rocks as a way to express anger, they are being creative.  When someone chooses to pay for the coffee of the person behind them, leaving a Kindness Card for the person, they are being creative. 

So at this time of year, when the holidays might end up seeming like a holidaze for bereaved people, I thought it might be helpful to offer 8 seasonal ideas for practicing your creative approach to living life after loss.

1) Remembrance Day and Month
The month of October and particularly October 15th are Pregnancy Loss, Infant & Child Death Awareness times.  Just know that if the death of a child is what has you in a holidaze, you are not alone.  Take a moment each day to light a candle.  Spend a few silent moments honoring your love for that child.  Grief cannot take away your love.

2) Day of the Dead. The month of October is also preparation and lead up to Days of the Dead.  October 31st is sometimes thought of as the day of the innocents, honoring the children who have died first.  Then November 1 and 2 are honoring anyone who has died, who you wish to honor.  There is a long history and cultural context to these traditions, and rituals often vary depending on the particular community in which you celebrate.  But most all include making, decorating, and displaying of sugar skulls.  We host a day every October for people to come to our home, make & decorate sugar skulls, and then place them on our community ofrenda or take home for their personal altars.  We pass the bucket on these days, too, and any proceeds raised go to the local Food Bank in honor of all those we are remembering. 

3) Giving Thanks. While many of would say we feel no thanks at all for the grief that has visited upon us, we can choose at some point to begin paying Kindnesses forward in the name of the person who died, in honor of the love we still feel for them.  One wonderful way to “allow your loved one to touch the world” is through the Kindness Project over at the MISS Foundation.  You basically do a kindness for someone and leave a card for them that says, “This random act of kindness was done in memory and honor of (fill in the name here.”  We’ve heard of amazing and creative stories thru this project over the years. 

4) Children’s Memorial Day. The second Sunday of each December is honored as Children’s Memorial Day.  Though this started as a grassroots awareness movement by one family, it has been embraced by international organizations like Compassionate Friends, MISS, MADD, BPUSA, and more.  When you are lighting your candles for winter holidays, add a candle for remembering those you love, for what you feel you’ve lost, for honoring the love you have that cannot be touched by death or loss.  If you want to connect with others at this time, many of the participating organizations have Memorial Day services, or you can organize your own candle lighting.  For full information click here.

5) Blue Christmas. There has been a quiet movement afoot in the last few years in faith based services.  We’re starting to see “Blue Christmas” masses and “Blue Holiday” rituals being offered.  Though I haven’t yet seen one central website or organization offering a comprehensive listing of these services, you can do a Google search for “Blue Christmas Service” and you’ll find lots of articles and listings.  The thing I find so interesting about this movement is that it is basically a faith based support for people whose faith is flagging at the moment. Rather than giving out platitudes or telling people how they “woulda, coulda, shoulda” feel, these events allow for people to feel what they feel when they feel it and have a place for expression and connection during the holiday season.  That’s a big leap up from the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” era!

6) Alternative Gift Giving. Another part of the holiday season is gift giving.  When we feel down, especially if we are missing someone who is physically gone, this can be a hard ritual to face.  There are several alternatives you might try.  Go ahead and buy for the person.  In our house, we think about how old our son would be now; what we would want for him; what he would want as gifts.  We shop, we wrap, we celebrate.  And we find a family with a child the same age that needs a little help in the gift giving department and we donate the gifts forward.  Sometimes we do this through the local food bank, but the Salvation Army also hosts an Angel Tree program for this each year.  Though I do sometimes keep one of the items to add to my son’s memory shelf in our home.

Another thing we’ve done is to have trees planted through Give-A-Tree program , or donate a flock of chicks through The Heifer Project.  Then we send note or cards to others saying, “Such and such has been done in your honor and in memory of our son.”  It is a way of getting off the endless cycle of material stuff! Not to mention, you are giving something back to the world while still honoring the tradition of gift giving and acknowledging your loved ones who have died. 

7) Time Off, Time Out. The holiday season can be bustling, but it can also be a time when things slow down.  Business slows, people take time off, kids are on holiday.  Be your own best advocate and make time off, time out for you and yours.  We all seem to keep busy schedules these days, blocking off time for various activities of each family member.  Well schedule time off, time out with equal weight and importance compared to any other activity.  Seriously.  Make an appointment for yourself to “Do Nothing.”  Allow yourself some silence.  Some reflection time.  Some time to breathe and feel your body and being.  Imagine setting aside the heavy feelings and grief.  Put them on the shelf outside the room – you can pick them up later.  And for now just sit and breathe.  Let your mind and heart touch on appreciation.  Chant for a few minutes, “I approve of myself.”  You don’t have to believe it, you might feel funny saying it, but try it out.  See how it feels to cheer for yourself, to be your own advocate, to be with yourself in love instead of criticism or hurriedness or mindlessness.  Give yourself the gift of an appointment with nothing!

8) A Self-Care New Year. As we move into the New Year, there is always lots of talk about resolutions and changes people want to make and keep.  But for this coming year, why not consider an alternative to the typical resolutions.  What about making a decision to be present to exactly who you are in this moment?  Instead of being in a constant state of needing to fix, get better, improve, why not be with the you that you are right now.  Tend to the you of this very moment.  Take a few moments in each day to be with yourself in a quiet space.  Listen to your breathing, hear what your body, mind, and spirit are calling.  Honor those callings. 

If your BEing really wants to do something around this practice, then get in the habit of making notes just after your quiet time.  Note what you hear, callings or visions that rose to the surface.  Use those notes to inspire you later.  Maybe they are the basis of some writings you want to do.  Maybe they are the sparks of a drawing or painting or collage you want to make.  Maybe they are the inklings of a new path of learning you’d like to explore.  Let them guide you as you learn to tend to yourself and your heART.

Whatever you decide to do (or not do), be (or not be) this holiday season, know that the holidaze can simply be a calling to explore your every day experience more creatively.  It is okay to add new traditions to old ones or to drop old ones entirely.  Each day you have the response-ability to create meaning in all that you do.  You are your own best advocate for finding your way through the holidaze.  And you are not alone.  Many of us out here are creatively exploring.  Connect as you need and want!  Make the holidays your own.

Kara LC Jones is a Grief & Creativity Coach and the heARTist behind the offerings at Mother Henna. If you found these ideas inspiring, there are other ideas for coping with the holidaze KotaPress, And on the KOTA: Knowing Ourselves Thru Art blog. We’ve also got Creative Prompts year round at both the Mother Henna blog and KOTA blog.

These are emerging thoughts and I share them with not an un-small amount of trepidation. But they won’t leave me alone, these wonderings, and I need all the contributors to The Giant Pool of Wisdom to help me out.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately — off and on for years really — about this odd and wonderful bubble we live in. On good-humor days I think of it as something like “the women’s creative empowerment community.” I like it, this loose group of wonderful women who are finding their voice, expressing their creativity, and rebuilding their spirituality in the studio instead of the sanctuary. (Or as I like to think of it, the studio has become the sanctuary.) I love working in this milieu. I know, that I know, that I know these are my people. And nothing gives me more joy than teaching and learning in this world.

On cynical-humor days I think of myself as “the middle-class middle-aged white woman doing crafts.” Do you know what I mean? Kind of cushy, and whiney, and little bit frivolous. It makes me think of all those Jane Austen novels. How all the female characters embroidered, or did crewel work, or played the harpsichord. “The womanly arts,” they were called.  It was what women did when they weren’t allowed to do anything else. Correction, it was what privileged women did when then didn’t have to do anything else (and also, they weren’t allowed. A combination then.)  On cynical days I substitute “embroidery, crewel work, and harpsichord” with “mixed media collage, photography, and guitar lessons” and I feel a little–well, frivolous.

Then I get my feminist dander up and I remember that women’s work has always been downgraded. The most amazing intricate needle and tapestry work would be referred to as “craft” while oil paintings done in the all-male studios of yore were classified as “art.” Even now, women are severely under-represented in galleries and museums, as the film Who Does She Think She Is so passionately demonstrates. This distinction is still there — it’s changing, true — but it’s still there. And it bothers me.

But in addition to this feminist outrage, more than the slight discomfort I feel around my so-called cushy life, I am deeply bothered by the imbalance that I feel between two worlds I admire and desire: The introspective and necessary world of self-fulfillment and self-expression. And the equally necessary world of charity and social justice. I feel…unsatisfied…with the extent to which these two worlds intertwine. And I see other creative women trying to find a way to tie the two together as well. There are ripples out there, and rumors of another way. We are exploring. We are finding the connection.

It’s already so hard to make a living, to make your art, to raise your kids, to tell your story, and to be in a relationship. How can we possibly do any more?  (Throw in all these mysterious “women’s diseases” like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and migraines and it gets even harder.) And yet, and yet….

I guess it’s that I feel, YES, your story is important. Yes, you, white girl with the two kids and the minivan. You story, your creative dreams are essential to the universe. But so are our African sisters’, so are our Latina sisters’, so is every sisters’. And how do they find the strength to tell their stories, after a day of trying to make ends meet. How do we help? How do we partner?  How do we teach and learn from each other?

I keep thinking about Fredrick Beuchner’s famous quote about vocation from Wishful Thinking:

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

Where is that place for me? For you? For the creative community of us — we, the ladies who art. Where is the seam that weaves together our deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger?

In the excellent but now defunct television series Joan of Arcadia, God tells Joan that she has suffered from “a crisis of imagination.”  I think that might be it. In spite of all our creativity, I think we are suffering from a crisis of imagination. I think there is more.

Recently, I’ve been listening to Pride, Prejudice and Zombies, a freaking brilliant adaptation of the Jane Austen novel in which the characters do not practice “The Womanly Arts,” but rather are trained in “The Deadly Arts.” The art of combat. The art of defense. These are not little women. These are Warrior Girls. How can we be warrior girls for our sisters? How can champion their right to be in this world?

Really I have very little idea. But I know it’s always a good plan to take a step. It might not be the step that works out, but it will lead you to the next, and the next, until you find the path. So my step, right now, is to put both feet quite firmly on one particular stepping stone. I will announce that I have fallen in love with the Apparent Project, a program run by people I know and adore in Haiti. Through the Apparent Project, Shelley and Corrigan Clay, who are artists,  feed street kids, house kids who were forced to be left behind due to poverty, adopt orphans into their own family, and help women learn skills to support their families. I am head-over-heels with this small, grassroots program— in much the same way that I am in love with art. But I can you imagine me, the migraineur, in Haiti? No. Help. At. All.

So I will do what little I can. I will give ten percent of whatever profit I make this year – from my upcoming EBooks and Ecourses and whatever else might come my way—I will give ten percent of that profit to Haiti. And, whenever I can think of a way to encourage others to chip-in, through the A Year Without Clothes Pledge, or any other thing that crosses my path, I will do so. I will not have a crisis of imagination. I will learn to connect the dots.

It won’t be much. But perhaps this is the practice that will open the door, the rehearsal that will shine light on the solution to this hunger in my life. To be a mother, and an artist…and a warrior girl for others.

 Do you think we can find the way? Let’s jump.

Click here to contribute to the chip-in for the Apparent Project, or tell us your ideas in the comments below. Thank you for being here!

Thankfully Nikki Di Virgilio of The Soul Reporter is here with a guest post for us today; and it’s full to the brim about the mysteries behind Resistance, and some tools to keep it from happening.

Kids and The Resistance Epidemic
by Nikki Di Virgilio

How many times have we told our kids to do something and they either refuse, or do so with a constant whiney tune, of I don’t want to and why do I have to.  The request can be something as simple and mediocre as wiping the table, and yet they put up a fight.  It’s frustrating, and causes tension between our kids and us.  Depending on the severity of the resistance in our household, this tension over time can create an isolating and perhaps even numbing relationship, which is damaging to both parent and child. 

Resistance is defined as: the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.  Unfortunately resistance is our first response to almost any that comes our way. This is often the same for our children.

The word “power” is in the very definition of resistance. Resistence itself  is a power struggle between parent and child. Once we enter this planet, we are instantly faced with the power struggle of balancing the demands upon our minds, bodies and souls. We have to breathe on our own.  We have to eat to live.  We have to sleep to function and be well.  These are required and necessary things.  But then we get older, and there are more requirements. And these requirements often do not align with the truth of who we are and what we seek.  School demands we pay attention, not chew gum, not wear our hair a certain way, be smart, be happy, learn, and agree with what is being taught. Then society demands we look and act in a certain way. As do our parents. 

Consciously or unconsciously our children are absorbing all of these little and big demands all the time. It is no surprise they are resisting!  We are energetic beings, here to unfold the purpose of our soul.  We are not machines, which comply with the buttons being pushed–although we can, and often do. However, most of us don’t want to, especially the young ones who are coming to our planet right now.  They are different, and leading us on a new course, which is more properly aligned with our soul.

 What lessons and tools can we use to help our children grow beyond Resistance? 

 Lesson #1 : Teach cooperation.  Cooperation means working or acting together for a common purpose and benefit. No matter the age of our children, they will respond positively with this larger idea of cooperation. They often like to help and be a part of something bigger. We just have to show how valuable it is, and determine the common purpose. 

For example, maybe mom is making a special treat, but she also has lots of work to do around the house.  Mom would like to get that work done, before she makes the treat, and to do this, she needs help.  The common purpose is for the treat to be made so everyone can enjoy it. Therefore, everyone must help with the duties around the house.  They might still resist and complain, but if we continue to invite moments where we show and teach the value of working together for a common goal, eventually they will come to understand its value, and reward.

Hey, and for parents with young ones- you know Barney’s clean up song, right?  Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share.  Make cooperating fun- create a song, whistle while you work. 

Lesson #2: Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do(This comes from Denzel Washington.  Thanks Denzel.) When our kids get caught in the energy of resistance, it is difficult for them to see the greater purpose of whatever requirement that has come their way. We can help by giving them the perspective of doing what they have to do so they can do what they want to do. 

My oldest daughter, Alyssa is a senior in high school. She has dreams and plans of going to California after she graduates to continue her studies and gain experience as an actor.  Through all of her years in school she has been an A/B student. However, last year she had to take the MCA test.  She did not pass the test by two points, and now has to take it again, plus take a class to help prepare for it.  She hasn’t been happy about this at all. 

To move to a deeper and more resilient place, I remind her passing this test, no matter how unfair she or I thinks it is, it is what needs to be done so she can graduate and get on with what she wants to do, which is go to LA and pursue her talent. I also plant the seed of being receptive to the lesson of this experience.  What is it showing her?  What character traits might she develop by embracing this requirement to graduate?

Speaking of being receptive….

Tool #1: Model Receptivity. The best way to teach receptivity is to be an example of it.  Being receptive means having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.  How are you at being receptive?  Do you complain about what’s coming at you, or do you receive what’s coming to you, taking it as a lesson to be learned, and an opportunity to be stretched?  How open and flexible you are, will determine how your children respond to you and the world outside, and inside of them. 

Remember we are energetic beings, and our children are more connected to this truth than we are.  They often resist the energy we are carrying, which brings us to our next tool.  What is our intention when we require something from our children? What energy are we running? Are we coming from a place of control or respect?  Openness, or an expectation of conflict? 

Tool #2: Request & Ask, Don’t Demand. If we are coming from a place of expecting there to be conflict because that is what we are used to when we want our children to do something, then we will run a tight and constricted energy pattern, which may cause us to act as dictators demanding instead of cooperators requesting. Remember we are energy. Therefore, they may not be resisting “wiping the table.” Instead it may be the energy we are transmitting that they are resisting.

I understand the tight and constricted energy, as my youngest daughter Lilli and I have had lots of tension between us.  She demands with her drama and intense energy that I dig deeper and parent in a more mindful and loving way, and I have been resisting. However, I have moments with her that are open and easy, where no constrictive patterns are in place, and if they are, they aren’t able to sustain in the grace which is present.

On one such occasion, I wanted Lilli to do something.  Instead of forcing my agenda upon her because I expected conflict, I simply told her what my request was, and asked if it was ok.  It was powerful exchange.  There was no hesitation or resistance from her whatsoever and I felt as though we were two old souls respectfully and mindfully engaging and cooperating with one another.  Although I have yet to enter this space again, I know these moments can be more frequent, if we allow our agendas and resistances to melt away in the space of grace and honor of one another. 

Creating this space is possible when we develop the mindset which comes from the famous poem by Kahlil Gibran- Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. We forget this because our society has a limited belief, which says the opposite, that our children are ours to dictate to and put our agendas upon, but this simply isn’t true. They are souls, here on their own journey, and picked us as their teachers and guides.  What an amazing opportunity for us. 

The challenge, of course is staying in this space of receptivity and higher wisdom.  To do so we must be mindful of our intentions, and the agendas we may be putting upon them. If our intention is about respect and honor, and not control, cooperation will win.  Coming from cooperation, our agendas will dissipate, and we will trust they will do the “right” thing and cooperate.  This will allow us to hold a more gentle space when speaking to them, where we request and ask, and not demand.  

Which brings us to….

Tool #3: Allow for Space~ Mantra and Meditation. Maybe resistance in our children is a symptom of overwhelm.  Maybe they are tired, and when they whine and resist, they are saying I feel so safe with you this is my way of letting you know, Mom, Dad, please listen and help me.  I need a break. I need some space to be me

We are busy people on this planet. Life moves fast.  The culture is stuck in a perpetual pattern of more is better and constant movement means we are looking productive and useful.  All I want to say to this is- STOP.  There is a time for movement, and a time for space, for just being.  If we allow for this type of space and not have every minute superficially controlled, our children can breathe and have moments of remembering who they are, and why they are here.  Then we can better support their awakening and expressive journey.  What an amazing opportunity we have!  

One way we can facilitate space, is to teach a mantra and meditation.  A mantra can be sound, phrase or word, as simple as the word breathe, which can be said repeatedly while in the midst of resistance, mindless chatter and overwhelm in the brain. Meditation, a longer version of a mantra offers space between a stimulus and response as well.  Our children are never too young to learn these methods.  And if this doesn’t’ resonate, intentionally allow for space for them to just be- with no television, video games, or other distractions.  Less outer stimuli, means more authentic, inner stimuli so they can be who they are meant to be. 

I suggest you do this for yourself too.  The space you create inside yourself will give you an energy your children will not resist.  But it is going to take a commitment, and perhaps a shift in intention from parenting in angst and obligation to parenting from a spiritual perspective and duty. Here we become watchers of our children, noticing their resistances and where they get stuck. When we notice, we guide them through it with wisdom and trust, so their soul’s journey continues to unfold.  We must allow space for this journey, and the best space is in the home. 

Resistance is one of those large monsters we face on our spiritual journey  but with some education, investigation and willingness to expand inside ourselves, we can create enough space so we can feel the resistance and cooperate anyway.

Nikki Di Virgilio is a mother of two girls, a homemaker, and a keen investigator of  the spiritual journey.  She blogs at  The Soul Reporter  and  The Inspired Homemaker. She also educates and facilitates the awakening journey to individuals and groups.  For more information about her services, contact her at Nikki’s Sacred Space.

So here it is my sweet Magpie Girl friends, all raw and in the mess.

I’m working hard right now. I’m finally well enough that I can work. My iron levels are no longer at a near-critical state, and my energy has dramatically improved. Now I can actually stay awake all day. I don’t have to go up the stairs to my studio on my hands and knees (literally), and the migraine pain doesn’t lay me up nearly as often. It feels good, just to be able to work this hard.

Coming Now(ish): Magpie Girl Guidebooks!
I’ve got two small PDF books on the cusp of being done. They are in that endless editing process where all the little details need to be decided upon on in the design, and all the typos need to be fixed in the text. The main book is a slim volume called SoulRetreats: How to host a tribe with art and soul. It goes to the editor this weekend, and will be for sale the first or second week of November.

The supplemental book is SoulFood: How to cook for a tribe. It just went to the designer today, and I hope to have it available for you as a free download by the end of the month. (I wanted both of them up for my 40th, but I’m letting go of self-imposed deadlines and trying not to be a drama queen about it.) These two books are part of a new series of  Magpie Girl Guides.  (There are 4 more planned.) I could not be more thrilled that the first two are a collaborative effort with my Soulsisters! I’m just so damned proud and grateful I can hardly stop beaming over it.

Up Next: Your Soultribe!
On the heels of these book projects is my newest brainchild – on-line Soultribes! I’ll be offering two Soultribes beginning in January:

• Soulcraft Circle will be focused on doing a monthly art-based spiritual practice together.
• Magpie Girl’s High Holy Days will be about celebrating seasonal rites and rituals based on my own kooky Magpie Girl mix of traditions.

Both Soultribes will feature a private website where you’ll receive monthly assignments from moi, plus a place to share your experiences with others. Artful soulcare with a tribe! What could be better?

Won’t it be a great to start the New Year with a tribe around you? I’m “pinch me” excited!

The Way It Makes me Feel
In the midst of all this creating I’m vacillating wildly between opposing emotions. One minute I’m thinking, “Squee! I have so many lovely pals!”; and the next I’m desperately lonely. Monday I may be happy to spread around the goodness regarding all my virtual collegues’ courses, books, and other offerings. Tuesday I may be dying of jealousy. The first hour of the workday I may feel secure that I’m following my passion. By lunch I’m Mrs. McDoubtyPants. I haven’t felt like this since I was expecting the girls. It feels like pregnancy.

Even as I type that I know it’s right. It is like pregnancy — all hormones and mood swings and cravings–because something good is about to get born. And I have all of you with me in the birthing room. What a lucky girl I am! (Oh, I am so holding on to that with both hands for when the labor gets tough.)

So there you have it…if you write down the mess, you come to clarity. Without you dear readers, I never would have gotten there. (Thank you for listening to me spout.) I’m in the transition stage of labor now, and I may grab you by the neck and scream, “You! YOU did this to me!” (and then demand jewlery.)  But eventually we’ll hear that first tiny cry of new life and we’ll all just sit around glowing at what we helped get born. Thanks for holding this space for me. You are my very favorite midwives.

See you on the other side!

Much Warmth,

Rachelle

*8 Things that Helped Us
 Turn Our Personal Housing Crisis into an Opportunity
By Stephanie Walker

Last year at this time, our house was on the market, our bank account was negative and my husband Bob and I were both unemployed. Things were not quite going according to plan. The plan, when Bob’s high-paying contract got cut short, was to sell the house, pay off our debts, rent and start over again. We didn’t want to sell our house, but it was the only way out. We were sinking way too fast. We needed a new plan. The new plan, we agreed, was to turn our financial disaster into an opportunity. Somehow. You know, the whole idea of never letting a  good crisis go to waste. Our crisis, we firmly believed, could be an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, to learn, to re-prioritize. A challenge, indeed. But a worthy challenge. We may lose it all, but what we would gain in the process could be something more valuable than any house.

With that new thinking, we moved through our foreclosure story. Yes, it became a foreclosure story. We defaulted on our loan and received the “Notice of Intent to Accelerate” from the bank the week before Christmas 2008. In the end, to make a very long and exciting story short, we ended up selling the house in a short sale, narrowly avoiding foreclosure. We sold 90% of our possessions and moved to the suburbs of Chicago to live with my family. We’ve been here for three months. And in less than a week we will be moving to the San Juan Islands where we will be house-sitting for two years and living rent-free. Yes. From a $5,000 mortgage to rent-free. From Los Angeles, California to an island in the Pacific Northwest.

Here are 8 Things that helped us turn our personal housing crisis into an opportunity

1. Talking: I know, this is easier said than done. But now is not the time to keep your concerns, fears, resentments or pain to yourself.  Talk about how you’re feeling. Share. Be vulnerable. Does this sound trite? Well, it’s not. Bob is not one to automatically share openly his darkest thoughts. But when he did, it helped not only him but me. It was helpful to know what he was struggling with internally so that I could be more patient or give him the space he needed. And he found that saying it out loud lessened the hold these fears had when internalized. Express it and let it go.

2. The pact: Bob and I made a pact with each other to turn our crisis into an opportunity. We promised each other that we would view every hurdle as an opportunity for growth. That this could be the perfect chance for us to learn how to be happy in the face of any circumstance. We promised to be at our best. And to be there for each other. This pact worked because we were both so profoundly committed to it. We understood that without this pact, our chances for happiness were slim. So we respected the pact and held to it. You can make a pact like this with yourself, but I recommend sharing it with another person so that they can help you keep it in existence.

3. Allowing Others In: Of course we were embarrassed about our situation. We felt like dummies. Idiots. Failures. But we trusted that our friends  and family would not judge us as harshly as we were judging ourselves. And we let them in. I’m not saying we showed them our budgets or our credit report. But we did tell them what was happening along the way. We told our friends and family and eventually our neighbors. And then I started writing about everything on “Love in the time of Foreclosure.” We held nothing back.

When our bank account was overdrawn, they brought us homemade lasagna. When I was stressed, they took me out for happy hour. When we just needed to talk, they listened. When we had our estate sale, they were there first thing in the morning running the show. Our friends were amazing. Amazing. The best part about allowing them in on our financial problems, we didn’t have to pretend anything. I don’t know how we would have been able to actually hide our financial disaster, but I can imagine how stressful that would have been. This one requires letting go of your pride. To let others in means to truly be vulnerable. To say, like we did, We screwed up and are in big financial trouble. This is what’s going on. We’re committed to turning this into a good thing some how. We let them into our lives and into our “plan.”

A huge benefit to allowing others in? They have really good advice. Things you wouldn’t think of on your own, necessarily. They send you links to articles that have a wealth of information you need. They put you in touch with people who can help. They share their own stories about their tough times that not only allows you to feel better, but give you hope that if they made it through, you will too.

4. Have Fun: Just because you are facing losing everything, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. This is so important. Yes, we were working our butts off. I had two jobs at one point. We were doing everything we could think of to market the house which included constant cleaning. We didn’t have discretionary funds. But we still had fun. We went for walks. Discovered new parks. Bob competed in the Grilled Cheese Invitational . We watched shows on Hulu. We went to the beach. Hiked in the mountains. Sat by the fire. Had friends over. We had fun. We were committed to being happy even in foreclosure. In this kind of a pact, fun is a key ingredient.

5. Exercise: I am prone to anxiety. When I was a kid I used to think I had a breathing problem. At  least that’s what I would tell my parents when it felt like my lungs were incapable of fully expanding: “I think I have a breathing problem.” Well, I discovered that ‘breathing problem’ was actually anxiety. The best cure for anxiety – in my experience- is exercise. It’s hard because the more stressed I get, the less time I have for exercise. But if I don’t, I am only setting myself up for anxiety. Exercise helped me so much through one of the most stressful times of my life.

6. Daily Checkpoints: Every morning when we walked the Pug we would talk about what we would do that day. What we were committed to accomplishing and what we were going to work on personally. Some days I’d wake up so overwhelmed I didn’t want to have this conversation. Luckily on those days, Bob was on the other side (and vice versa.) He would talk me through it. We’d start with ‘clearing out the cobwebs’ before we would talk about our goals for the day. Then, at the end of the day we would recap. How did it go? Did we do what we said we would do? If not, what was in the way? What did we learn and what can we be grateful for? This might sound like it would require a very long conversation, but we were actually able to go through this in about ten minutes. The days we did this always went better than the ones we didn’t. You can create a pact, a vision statement so to speak, but it doesn’t live on its own. It requires constant re-presencing or it will die. Our pact to be our best, turn this crisis into the opportunity of our lives and be happy in the process needed daily care to thrive.

7. Make a Difference for Others: Have you ever noticed that when you have your attention on the well-being of others, you’re less worried about yourself? Well, I have. Bob and I met doing a 500-mile bike ride for charity. On that ride we both talked about how much easier the ride was when we were cheering others on. We’d be at the top of a hill before we realized how difficult the climb was when we were cheering other riders up the hill. The same is true in life. We’re all in this together. And there are so many with great need. In the midst of our foreclosure battle, we collected donations and went on a bus trip down to Mexico to visit an orphanage with a non-profit organization Corazon de Vida. Getting outside of ourselves and focusing on others made such a huge difference. It really puts things in perspective!

8. Believe: (insert cliche here.) I don’t know how to bring this point home without sounding completely cliche. But in the midst of a crisis, you must believe. Believe in your own strength to pull through. Believe that things will improve. Believe that you’ll be stronger for surviving. Believe that you are not alone. I voted for Barack Obama. I was inspired – and still am- by his stand for humanity. By his willingness to stand for and speak about belief and the power it holds. As he said during his campaign: “I’m asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about change in Washington… I’m asking you to believe in yours.”

Read more of Stephanie and Bob’s inspiring story at Love in the Time of Foreclosure. And if you’re selling a house, watch for Pam Weinert (Stephanie’s mom) as she offers real estate advice on Wednesdays at LITTOF. (So helpful! )

It’s always a good idea to ask an expert. So let me introduce to you Becky Knight, Clinical Sexologist. Today Becky is helping us make the connection between our guiding values and our sexual choices. Making that connection will help us feel more confident about our sexual choices, calm the voices in our heads that lead to self doubt, and quite the old tapes we don’t need to listen to any longer. Becky, take it away…

Living with Sexual Integrity

Sexuality is a part of life. From the cradle to the grave, we make choices about how to live our lives as sexual beings. We choose beliefs about our bodies, about our desires, and about our behaviors. We choose who to pursue or rebuff. We choose the words and images that inform our sexuality and that give it context.

How we make those choices can be influenced by any number of things: our childhood messages about sexuality, our time and place in society, and the dynamics of the relationship we have with ourselves and with our partners. How healthy those choices are, I believe, is impacted by how closely they align with our guiding values.

When Rachelle’s *8 Things challenge was to create a list of guiding values, I had to pause. Could it be that I had never thought about it before? And could my general guiding values also be at the core of my sexuality? It seemed so obvious, and yet more than a little intimidating. I could have pondered that question for hours, trying to create the ‘perfect’ list. Instead, I shot from the hip and wrote down the first *8 Things that came to my mind. I trusted that if I took a moment to look inward, that I knew what I value most. And you know what, my list looks pretty good! It is a reflection of how I want to live my life.  

Here’s how you can use your guiding values to shape and direct your sexual self:

Write It Down: If you haven’t already done this exercise, I suggest you pause right now and do it. Calm yourself and trust your heart, and write down your guiding values. There is no right or wrong list, there is only your list.

Look Within: The next step is to sit back and look at your list. Look at it, and love it, and ask yourself some questions: 

• Are these values guiding my sexual choices? 
• Which of my values is it easiest for me to express in my sexuality? Which is the hardest? 
• Where has my sex life been inconsistent with my guiding values? How might my sex life be better if it matched up to my values? How can I make the changes I need to? 
• How can I use these values to support my sense of myself as a sexually whole and vibrant person? 

Take a Step
Move towards Sexual Integrity. By that, I don’t mean some religious morality or adherence to a set of rules. I mean, fix the places in you where your guiding values are not guiding you. If there’s an aspect of your sexual life that leaves you feeling anxious or weak, perhaps it’s because the choices you are making are not supported by your self-knowledge of what gives your life its shape and meaning. Be brave, and make a move.

Buddy Up

• It’s okay to ask for help. Reach out to a friend and tell her about your desire to be brave in this part of your life. She probably wants to be brave too. 
• Talk to your partner. Tell them that you want to create a sex life with them that reflects your values. Invite them to share their values as well. Make your intimate life more intimate by being brave together. 
• Get expert help. Find a coach or counselor who can help you move towards sexual health and wholeness.

Our sexuality should add great comfort, passion and humor to our lives. It should give us security, while at the same time allowing for vulnerability and the risks inherent in knowing and being known. It should strengthen and deepen our values as we see that our lives, sexual and otherwise, are better because we’ve lived with integrity.

Becky Knight is a Clinical Sexologist, Educator and E-Coach. She can be found blogging at LivingSexuality.com and she’s a twitterer. Don’t miss her current project,  Best Blog Series Ever. Periods.

More from Magpie Girl: 
The Blessings (on integrity)
Why I’m Not Teaching my Kids Abstinence-Only
God Sticks and Shame Caves
Abstinence, Kids, and Faith: Thoughts from the Comment Gallery