Category — Magpie Mama
Tweenager
For the first time ever, Eden has asked that I NOT post her annual birthday letter on my blog. So in lieu of all that mushy goodness…this is she, and she is lovely.
Nine is Just Fine!
Cate’s year of adventures, starting with the amusement park Tivoli in Copenhagen.
Dear Catie,
This morning when I woke up I was chewing, chewing, chewing away about what to write to you for this your Number Nine Birthday.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how Mama and Grandpa like to tease you about getting so grown up. I always say, “Catie! Who told you you could grow up so fast!” And Grandpa says you have to stay 8 another year because he missed your Number 8 year while you were in Denmark. (At least he’s “letting” you turn 9 when we celebrate all the cousins’ birthdays next week!)
But you know what Cate? I don’t think it’s very nice of us to tease you so. You are great at every age!
© We loved you when you were one second old and crying softly in the operating room.
© We loved you when you were Baby Cate and your tiny little tushy never touched the ground because no one ever wanted to put you down.
© We loved you when you were a toddler and said such funny things like “I am getting fwusterated” and “I got distwacked” and “That’s ig-GUSTING!” and “I NOT yelling. I cweaming. You know, CWEAMING!!!!”
© We loved you when you started school and uncovered your Superpower of being the Worlds Friendliest Child.
© And we love you now when you are still just the right fit for a cuddle, but getting so big and independent as well.
Every age and stage of life is full and good things and challenges. And just because we love your little self so, we shouldn’t make you think there’s not fantastic stuff ahead in your bigger and bigger girl self. Because baby, there is some good stuff waiting for you this year. Nine is just fine!
This year you did so many big kid things! You learned Danish, a language so hard even Mama can’t learn it – yet you speak it like a pro. Danish grownups always say how perfect your accent is! And you’ve made friends from all over the world: Danish pals like Sara and Sidse, Mia from China, and dear, sweet Johanna from Estonia. You get to do a lot more independent things now, like taking the dog out by yourself or riding your bike to the library with Eden. You even get to walk to the train station to meet Daddy for dinner at McDonalds! Woah! I don’t think I got to do any of that stuff until I was at least 10 – and that was in the old days when kids got to do that stuff younger. You are really doing great on the responsibility thing Cate!
I hope you will always remember your wonderful year of adventures: riding the double-decker bus in London; drawing the David in your sketch book in Italy; learning about old fashioned skole in Sweden; and picking up pebbles from the Berlin Wall in Germany. And don’t forget the Towers and Dome Tour of Europe with Eden and Daddy! I wonder how many steps you three have climbed to get to the top of the world?
I know this birthday summer here on the island with Giggy, Bompa and the cousins is going so fantastic for you. I’m so glad you get to start Year Nine off in such a beautiful place. I hope the peacefulness of this place – the still morning waters, the long glowing sunsets, and the hush of the rustling trees—sinks down deep inside you and fills you up for when times are not-so-easy. And I know you will be filled up to the top with joy as you run around with your sister and cousins: going out in the double kayak with Preston, building forts and hunting for treasure with Noah and Luke, and showing Jilly and Amelia all the best places to find crabs. Not to mention all the fun that is waiting for us still with the big Chapman cousins in Chicago. (Oh, Mommy cannot stand to look when y’all have Danger Adventures with the big boys! “Do you know you are very strong?”)
I love you Cate Shalom, and I’m so proud of my growing-up “Baby Cate.”
Lots of Love,
Mama
Cate loves collage, drawing, cooking, giggling and screaming. She celebrated her birthday with mocktails, sushi, and a Costco cake that could feed approximately 3,000. She is having 5 birthday parties this year in 2 countries, 3 cities, and 4 houses. You can celebrate her for hours here and here.
Sacred Life Sunday: Ironing Alchemy
The result of one of my favorite start-of-the weekend chores — ironing our homemade cloth napkins for the week ahead.
The hot smell of iron on cotton rises to me in a hiss of steam. I spread the cheerful colors beneath my palm, watch them smooth and ease against the board. Fold. Press. Steam.
There are never enough to match ’round the table. Never enough clean when company comes. But these napkins are ours, made by hand, pressed each week in a rite of gratitude.
Soon they will grace our chattery meals, be waved about in emphasis over a funny story, wipe mouths that have never known hunger.
This is alchemy – a chore becoming prayer, a napkin transformed to a vestment.
What everyday spirituality moment are you treasuring today?
Help for when Mother’s Day is not so happy.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day in the States. For some this is a time to celebrate and fawn, thank and praise. For others it is a day that highlights their lack, or shines a spotlight on their sorrow. A complicated day then – and not at all as simple as the row of supermarket greeting cards seems to attest.
In 1997 my first child, Simeon, arrived stillborn and a I passed through a Mother’s Day in a queer state of being. I felt I had become a mother, yet I had no one to mother. People kept saying that I had “lost” a baby. The terminology troubled me and I struggled to find better words to describe what I was experiencing.
This year a dear friend is mourning the loss of her first child, who’s heart stopped beating midway through her second trimester. As I try to be a good traveling companion to her on the journey, memories and feelings from Simeon’s pregnancy and birth have come rushing back. Now I have so many more resources at my fingertips. Now help is a hand.
So on this Mother’s Day I offer these resources to you – for yourself, for a friend. And I hope that in the midst of the complicated emotions Mother’s Day might bring you may find among them, hope.
_______________
If you need a gift to memorialize a child turn to Stacy, the soulful artist at Bella Wish. Stacy makes personalized pendants which make a lovely traditional Mother’s Day gift. She can also help you find a way to support and remember someone on a more difficult journey. (She’s making my friend a set of pendants with encouraging words. What words might help someone you know through their trying time?)
If you or someone you know are mourning the unexpected end of a pregnancy or trying to survive a child’s death, Jenny Schroedel’s new book “Naming the Child: Hope-filled reflections on miscarriage, still birth and child loss offers heartfelt stories and suggestions for both mourning and remembering. I’m honored that Jenny included Simeon’s story in her book. She handled our story with respect and care, as she does all the stories on her beautiful and helpful website.
Rachel Barenblat is a long time favorite of mine at Velveteen Rabbi. She’s made Through, her collection of beautiful, supportive poems about miscarriage available as a free pdf, read aloud as an MP3, or as a chapbook for a low cost-only price. This is a wonderful resource if you want to find something inspiring to include in a card to a friend who is mourning, or to nurture your own soul through loss and into recovery.
At Surviving Baby there’s an excellent list of practical to “do’s and don’ts” in the post What to do When Her Baby Dies.
If you are on a journey through fertility Melissa Ford has a fantastic website, Stirrup Queens, and has recently published all her findings in her new book Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options.
If you need to follow the story of ‘someone like you’ I highly recommend the poetic Kate at Sweet Salty, who writes about the loss of one of her twin sons, and the joy of mothering the two boys who are still with her.
Also on my list of recommendations is Jennell Paris at the Paris Project who writes frankly and thoughtfully about the loss of her triplets and her journey through pregnancy and parenthood. Jennell’s article When Mother’s Day is Hard is especially timely.
May comfort and healing be with you today, on Mother’s Day and in all the days that follow.
This piece is cross-posted from my regular Sunday column at BlogHer.com.
*8 Things: Good Things My Parents Taught Me
It’s nearly Mother’s Day and my mind has been wandering over to my dear, sweet parents halfway around the world. My Mom and Dad are just a joy. Their special talents are macadamia-encrusted grilled salmon and mojitos on the back deck, or micro brews and antipasti on the sailboat. Obviously, everybody loves them. So here as a ‘thank you’ to my folks, are *8 Good Things my Parents Taught Me:
1. Practice Hospitality. When I was a teenager my Mom used to stand the kitchen, shake her head and laugh while she said, “I should just install a revolving door!” Our tiny track house in California was home-base to all the teenagers in our circle. My siblings and I knew our friends were always welcome, and pals who were going through a rough time at home had a safe place to land. Now that my kids are school-aged, ours is the house everyone comes home to. In addition we take in stray teenagers, dogs, and wandering souls. That hospitality impulse goes on…
2. Tithe. My folks became Christians in their mid-20’s and from then on at least 10% of their income went to charity. I can remember lean times in the house, but a little money always went into the offering plate, and a child was always supported through World Vision. Sometimes my Dad would feel suddenly compelled to give someone a $20 and he’d be walking across the parking lot towards their car with cash in hand. This taught me to prioritize giving in my budget – -something Paul and I have continued, and which we are passing on to the girls.
3. Communal Responsibility. One of the things I remember about growing up is that chores were treated as a contribution to the family community. It was clear from an early age that you did a chore to help meet the needs of the family and the house, and in return your needs in the family and in the house were also supported. We’re trying to pass this on to our kids by talking about our family as a community, and by not linking allowance to chores. (Everyone contributes, everyone receives. It’s not a reward for behavior, but a way of cooperative living.)
4. You Can ‘Make Do.’ I grew up in 70’s when the drought tortured California and the recession plagued the nation. Those were the times of day-old bread, peanut butter sandwiches, and grocery co-ops run out of neighbor’s garages. Times were tight, but we made it through. Somehow our parents managed to communicate to us that we had to pinch pennies, but we weren’t left feeling insecure. Those memories are a great comfort to me as our nation weathers the latest economic storm. I know that even on a shoestring, our family can thrive.
5. Do it Yourself. Things I can remember my folks doing over the years: building a solar dehydrator make our own banana chips; digging out a fish pond; pouring concrete sidewalks; restoring a ‘57 Ford Fairlaine; picking and canning fruit; bottling root beer; sewing our own clothes; building a puppet show, play house, and seesaw from scrap lumber; making and installing stained glass windows; and more cooking and remodeling projects than I could shake a hammer at. Paul and I are nearly all-thumbs, and despite his handy tool belt, we do hire big things out. But the idea of making what you need has stuck with us. And our kids? They make birthday presents, sew and knit, and last month Eden learned to use a jig saw!
6. Rest. My Dad is a bit of a workhorse. He can get up go and go without breakfast or break. But he also knows how to rest. I have many fond memories of him baking in the sun on a chaise lounge, or curled up with me on the sofa watching monster movies on a Sunday afternoon. Family Sabbaths were frequently imposed, and a quiet afternoon was always valued. In our hurry-up, consumer culture, having a work/rest rhythm is tantamount to good spiritual, emotional, and physical health. In various periods of our life Paul and I have been known to practice Sabbath, yank the kids from school for a ‘personal day,’ or just spend the weekend reading in the breeze. Rest is a nearly a lost art that must be passed down through the generations.
7. “Traaaadition! Tradition!” You’d hear my folks sing this song from the Fiddler on the Roof every once in awhile-especially in our teens when one of us would whine to get out of some sort of family event. Traditions were bedrock in our family, and were largely in my Mother’s special purview. From holiday decorations to special foods to little rites like ice-cream-after-choir-performances, Mom made sure there were rhythms to our living. These traditions reinforced our family’s values and beliefs, and provided us with colorful family memories. Anyone who’s read my blog for more than five seconds knows that rites, rituals, rhythms and traditions are core to what I am about. That comes from Mom!
8. Camp. Even in the tightest of times my parents managed to get us out in the great outdoors. First with an army surplus tent, then Grandpa’s trailer, and finally with a small camper my folks took us all up and down the West Coast, up into Canada and down Mexico way. Once we even went camping and stewed up a squirrel for supper- booty my grandfather had shot and the only food we had left in the freezer when the grocery budget ran low! Most of my childhood memories center around things like overnights at Big Sur; snow New Years eve in a nearly deserted Yosemite; and 4th of Julys in Malakoff Diggins -our favorite little gold town. Nowadays we don’t camp as often as I’d like. But we do get out a couple of times a year, building memories of marshmallows and mosquito bites with our own ‘happy campers.’
What goodies have your parents passed down to you? Are they things you can hold in your hands or memories you hold in your heart? If you have kids, how are you passing them down to the next generation? Drop some in the comments below or grab a *8 Things badge and play along. Cheers!
Not Your Mother’s Upbringing
What my girls, ages 10 and 8, played last weekend…
April Dreamboard: Only Connect
Tuesday night the 19yo haunted my dreams, flitting in and out of whatever story was going on. We call this my “Spidey-sense” and when it happens, no matter how long he’s been incommunicado, I have to track him down and find out what’s what.
Wednesday night the full moon glowed yellow and welcoming in my Copenhagen sky. I’m not usually very connected to the moon, but last night its glow, it felt important…powerful. So I sat down and made a quick-and-dirty dreamboard with the few supplies I had on hand, uttering once again what my dear friend Dwight practically has tattooed on his forehead:
ONLY CONNECT.
By Friday we were back in touch and the emails went back and forth with tidbits and updates.
Oh, that Sister Moon, I love her so……
P.s. If Souren actually read my blog, I’m sure he’d be THRILLED with this photo. Sorry bruddah, if you sent me more pics, you’d get better airtime. :-)
For more about Dreamboard visit Jamie at Starshyne Productions, or read my interview with her sister Suzie of Chez Suzie here. What will you dream of this month?
*8 Things Not to Miss in Your Twenties
Here at our house, we tend to live in a pretty communal manner. So for the teens and twenty-somethings who come through our wide open door I have three basic rules:
- No one makes me go to the ER on national holidays. (If you blow your finger off with illegal fireworks on the 4th of July you are on. your. own.)
- No one throws up on my carpet. (There’s plenty of beer in the fridge–but either don’t get that drunk, or make it to the bathroom.)
- No one comes home pregnant. (I’m pretty firm on that one. Safe(r) Sex is a non-negotiable.)
I think those cover the basics, at least in my narcissistic corner of the world where it is largely about ME. But in that twenty something world where it is all about–well, YOU-perhaps a few more tips are in order. So, carrying on with our goal to turn our regrets into powerful insights for the next generation(s), here is my list of *8 Things Not to Miss in Your Twenties.
- One Word: Travel. Go on European quarter; take a gap year in India, road trip across the continent. Your body will still let you sleep in cheap beds, the noise at the hostels won’t bother you, and you can live out of a backpack. Now is the time. Nothing will shape your future self like travel.
- Avoid Consumer Debt. A modest school loan is one thing, but credit card debt–and I would even say car payments–are something I would try to avoid. I you must buy a car, do it used and make sure the payments are low. Now is not the time to be flashy. Save it for your midlife crisis.
- Experiment. In the words of the wise Homer Simpson, “There is a time and a place for everything, and that place is called college.” I would like to second that. If you want to try risky things, now aint’ a bad time to do so. If it doesn’t work out you’ll recover more quickly and have more time to make it right.
- Get High With a Little Help from Your Friends. Okay, I am SO of two minds about this, but I’m trying to acknowledge that most people are going to try things out at some point. This age seems better to me than high school. Why? Because you are a little older and a little wiser and are far less likely to do some dumb-ass thing while high. (Guess who works with teenagers?) One of my coach-the-teenagers partners has this rule, “It has to come from the ground.” After seeing the effects of a wide range of drugs on young peeps, I think this is good advice.
- Don’t Rush Marriage and Children. Now is a good time to read, ask, and think about what it is like to commit to marriage and to child rearing. I don’t know about the men folk, but a lot of women default to marriage in the first post-college years, in part to create a path for themselves at a time when their lives feel unfocused. This is not a good reason. Fall in love, fall into bed…but don’t fall into a life you haven’t really considered.
- Learn About Feminism. I know the “women can do anything message” has been sung for awhile now, and most young people have gotten the message. But I’m amazed at how many young women think gender equity has been reached. That is just bullshit. When women still get paid less then men, still take most of the second-shift burden, and regularly give up their power, things are not as they should be. Educate your self. Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti of Feministing is a good place to start. And guys, this goes for you too.
- Get an Internship. Nothing will beef up your resume and prepare you for the ‘real’ working world like a good internship. Don’t settle for a work-study job in the cafeteria. Find something in a field you are interested in and explore!
- Live at (or close) to Poverty Level. This may not be for everyone, but if you are at all inclined towards living in a commune or in some other form of intentional community, this is a good decade to try it. I spent part of a summer in an inner-city commune in Chicago, lived a year earning just a few hundred dollars a month with AmeriCorps, and quit my full-time job to work part-time while running a teen shelter for free. The people I met during those times taught me more about dignity, resilience and justice than anything else I’ve done.
Got some good advice? I totally know you do! Add to the giant pool of wisdom by listing your *8 Things in the comments, playing along on your blog, or meme-ing out on Facebook. Cheers!
*8 Things I Highly Recommend You Do In Your Teens
I think that I’ve been having a mid life crisis. Not a wish washy one either. I mean, no one is having an affair or buying a sports care or anything-but it’s defiantly at least a Class 3 existential meltdown.
One of the things I’ve been doing on my crisis is regretting much of my youth. I’ve been naming a lot of things as “wasted” and wishing I had a fistful of do-overs.
Until today.
Today I decided that instead of regret, I would mine my past for wisdom. I would stir these longings around and use them to create some advice for the lovelies coming up behind me.
I’ll be giving this unsolicited advice decade by decade over the next two Thursdays. Here’s my first installment on thing sthat will prep peeps for life ahead, and let them seize their teenage day.
*8 Things I Highly Recommend You Do in Your Teens.
1. Do It. If you are over 15, and you are seriously in love with a boy/girl–for more than a few weeks, please–and you want to sleep with them, feel free. (More on this theory here.)
2. Wear a bikini. I know you may feel fat, but you look goddamn fantastic. Celebrate the body you have now while everything is UP where it started.
3. Learn how to write a research paper. I cannot tell you what decent writing and research skills will do for you.
4. Forget the ‘dictorians. Get good-to-great, not great -to-fantastic grades. The Ivy League is overrated. For most people, 4.0’s will not be required. You might as well enjoy your youth.
5. Learn to drive a stick shift. (Have someone other than your parents teach you.)
6. Take a foreign language — not one year, every year of high school. If you live in California, Texas, Arizona, or New Mexico this language should be Spanish. (Respect!)
7. Do what you are afraid of: sports, drama, circus training, spending the summer away from home. This is the era of carpe diem.
8. Carry these things with you: a tampon, a condom, enough money to cab home, and a few reliable phone numbers WRITTEN ON PAPER. (In a crisis I can virtually guarantee your cell battery WILL run out and you WILL discover you don’t have anyone’s phone numbers memorized.)
What *8Things Do You Highly Recommend People Should Do in Their Teens? Grab a button and play along. Don’t blog? Drop your list in the comments below or help me start a rage on Facebook.
The Blessings
i promised to stop adopting teenagers, but they keep slipping into my heart…
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I love these young ones so much it’s ridiculous. Each one has crawled into my soul in a different way, and while at times this process splits me open, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There’s a scene in the Princess Bride where a funny old crone makes a pill for new life, and she paints something on it croaking: “The coating makes it go down easier.” I want to wrap my arms around each of these precious ones and let my heart for them coat them like chocolate –one long-lasting dose of mama-love to help the new life of adulthood go down a little more smoothly.
I want wrap them up with affection. With warmth. With stability. With all the elements of unconditional love you can think to put on a menu. And then, when they are all warm and cozy, I want to drop integrity into the center of their chests, like a silver quarter slipping into a coin slot.
If they have integrity then all thier live-long days they will be the stellar creatures they are already becoming. Not integrity to the rules, but the kind of integrity that allows you to acknowledge who you truly are, and stand in that truth. The kind of integrity that is not beholden to outside rules, or your peer’s opinons, or because of ‘the way it’s done’– but because of a solid internal compass that will not steer you wrong if you listen. The kind of integrity that lets you live a life on the outside that is true to the life you hold in your heart. If they have that, well, they will have everything they need.
So that is what I bless them with, in my dreaming, in my words, in my living. And the old Christian mystic who married that witchy little crone in my soul says, “Amen, may it be so.”
“Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid”
-Basil King
