I’ve not been very grateful this week. I opted for being pissy instead. Specifically I’m pissy about my ratio of housework-to-writing. My kids help. My husband contributes. We even have an occasional housekeeper. We don’t keep a spotless house by any means. And yet I struggle with the unending entropy that is an organized/clean/functional home. I don’t want to be a housewife, and yet at least half the day every day (plus evenings) I am.

A former housemate of mine once pointed out to me that I was bitching about a beautiful 6 bedroom home. (OuchandThanks.) So before she has to say it again, I thought I’d focus my gratitude practice this week on housewifery. (This friends, is where a spiritual practice really is a discipline.)

What *8Things are you genuinely grateful for today? I”ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours…

I’m grateful …

1. we have enough clothes to do 8 loads of laundry a week.
2. no one has to go without shoes — as is evidenced by how many pairs of them are around the house. (Just two generations ago, my Grandfather’s family only bought shoes for the oldest two kids.)
3. we’ve been able to house so many friends in our downstairs room — Rebecca, Sharon, Souren, Josh, and Kristen have all lived with us from 3 months to 3 years at a time.
4. I can see the city glow at sunrise from my bedroom window.
5. the kitchen can hold all the appliances needed to host 18 for Thanksgiving.
6. we have the money we need to run kids to the naturopath, dentist, orthodontist and hair dressers.
7. ditto for jazz choir, piano lessons, and the occasional cooking class.
8. for my responsible, creative, kind kids — because they are pretty damn AWESOME.

What about you Magpie? What *8Things are you grateful for?  Put the short version in the comments, or grab a button for your blog. Give us permalink below so we can stop by! Your list will help others find their gratitude mojo when it’s running a little thin. Thanks for playing!
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*If you have a little extra time this week Magpie, please give me a hand! How do you reduce resistence around house-work and parenting requirements? For those of you who are reluctant homemakers, how do you make peace with your momhood/dadhood? And if you are a work-at-home-parent, how do you protect your work time from the siren call of dirty socks?

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Cate was yelling at me. Again.

Every day it’s the same story. I pick Cate up from school and she happily shows me the new trick she can do on the peddle car; the stone she dug up in the sand pit; how many times she can hop the jump rope on one foot. We find Eden and start the ten minute walk home. By minute seven Cate is screaming about something. Anything.

We started with sympathy, then moved on to time outs, and I’m sure at some point there’s been some yelling on my part as well. Clearly Cate was struggling with the transition between school and home. Clearly she was angry. And clearly whatever she was yelling about was not what was really bothering her.

Finally, I sat her down at the kitchen table and got down at eye level. I addressed her very calmly and very seriously, “Cate. This isn’t working. You’re having trouble moving between being at school and being at home. I can see that you are angry, right?”

“Yes! I. AM. ANGRY!” (also crying)

“It’s totally okay to be angry. But screaming at Mommy is not okay, right?”

“RIGHT! OKAY? OKAY? RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!”

“Did you know anger is a cover-up emotion? It covers up some other emotion. Something else is hiding under there.”

“It is?” (now backing down to mere sniffles)

“Yes. And I need you to think about it and tell me what it is that’s hiding under there.”

With that, the floodgates broke open. She missed all the friends she left behind when we moved. She didn’t have any friends at school. And she missed BF Day (her old school.) And some of the kids said mean things. And she doesn’t know Danish yet. And her only friends who speak English live far, far away. And did she mention, she didn’t have any friends at school?

Well, I’d already addressed all of those things. We talked about how making friends was her superpower, but that it took time. I had reminded her that we had only been at the new school for 2 weeks. I had explained that it would take a little longer than usual because we don’t know Danish yet. But, I had assured her, friends would come.

Knowing I’d already said all of this, and having a not unsmall amount of parental wisdom, I did not go into this again. Instead I asked her a question of clarification, “Cate. Do you want Mommy to talk about all these problems with you, or do you just need someplace to put them all.”

“Like what place?”

“Like a shrine.”

“I could make a shrine?”

Sure could. I dove under my desk and came up with three or four odd little boxes and tins. Cate chose a tin that used to hold bandages – Jesus bandagesto be exact. After asking for stickers, tape and some scratch paper, Cate went to work. Soon she had a bonafide Shrine for Hard Feelings. It consisted of the bandage tin, a sticker of a sacred heart Jesus, some fortune cookie sized strips of paper cello-taped to the side, and one of those tiny golf pencils. Cate wrote her hard feelings down on the pieces of paper and tucked them into the tin.

“If I put these in here, Jesus will make the sad feelings go away.” she said.

“Well,” I fine tuned, “Jesus might not make them go all the way away, but at least he can hold them for a little while.”

Cate has been faithfully using the Shrine for Hard Feelings for a week now. Sometimes she’ll start ramping up into a yell-fest, but then you can see her sort of visibly pull up, and she’ll say “Wait a minute,” and go find her shrine. I’ll see her scribbling away, then tucking the paper into the tin and snapping it shut. A few minutes later she’ll be back with me, or her sister, or her dad, and the steam will have been vented.

Sometimes I wonder what all my ad hoc spirituality is teaching my children. I’m trying my best — but so did my parents, and my church, and my religious school — and I sure ended up with a bunch of crap mixed in there with the goodies. If I make up random sacraments, if my children spend their lives building Shrines for Hard Feelings and hurling plates at Anger Altars, will they regret it? I am not sure. But this I believe; my attempts, though small and flawed and most assuredly open for misinterpretation, these humble attempts at caring for these precious souls will teach them these true things

Your feelings are real.
Someone loves you enough to help in hard times.
God is big enough to handle your anger.
There is a place for you.

That seems like a good place to start.

It is silent and still as “snow, on snow, on snow”  comes down. Cate and I are bundled up to our noses against the cold, but happy in the oasis that is the walled garden near our urban home.

“Can we visit the Fairy Tree?,” asks Cate.

“Of course!” I reply.

“Oh good, I want to give the Fairies the Snowball of Honor.” says Cate.

When we get to the tree, Cate leaves her snowball in a hollow as an offering.

“Hey Cate,” I say, “tomorrow is Epiphany and we get to find the name of the star we will follow for the year. Want to ask the Fairies what the name of your star will be?” She nods. She closes her eyes and holds out her hand it it’s puffy pink glove. I say, “Imagine that the Fairies are carrying a word to you. They are swirling around you like the snow flakes. And now, they are putting the word in your hand.”  I touch her open palm with one finger. “Open you eyes! ”

The second her eyes open, the word is on her tongue. “Friendship!” she exclaims. “The name of my star is Friendship!”

And so, our new year begins.

Cate, last Winter, at the Fairy Tree.

For those of you who would like to move deeper into a practice of  Epiphany, you can learn more about this tradition, receive a spoken-word blessing, and get help crafting your own High Holy Days atFlock with Magpie Girl: a soulcare spa.  Thanks for being here!

Thankfully Nikki Di Virgilio of The Soul Reporter is here with a guest post for us today; and it’s full to the brim about the mysteries behind Resistance, and some tools to keep it from happening.

Kids and The Resistance Epidemic
by Nikki Di Virgilio

How many times have we told our kids to do something and they either refuse, or do so with a constant whiney tune, of I don’t want to and why do I have to.  The request can be something as simple and mediocre as wiping the table, and yet they put up a fight.  It’s frustrating, and causes tension between our kids and us.  Depending on the severity of the resistance in our household, this tension over time can create an isolating and perhaps even numbing relationship, which is damaging to both parent and child. 

Resistance is defined as: the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.  Unfortunately resistance is our first response to almost any that comes our way. This is often the same for our children.

The word “power” is in the very definition of resistance. Resistence itself  is a power struggle between parent and child. Once we enter this planet, we are instantly faced with the power struggle of balancing the demands upon our minds, bodies and souls. We have to breathe on our own.  We have to eat to live.  We have to sleep to function and be well.  These are required and necessary things.  But then we get older, and there are more requirements. And these requirements often do not align with the truth of who we are and what we seek.  School demands we pay attention, not chew gum, not wear our hair a certain way, be smart, be happy, learn, and agree with what is being taught. Then society demands we look and act in a certain way. As do our parents. 

Consciously or unconsciously our children are absorbing all of these little and big demands all the time. It is no surprise they are resisting!  We are energetic beings, here to unfold the purpose of our soul.  We are not machines, which comply with the buttons being pushed–although we can, and often do. However, most of us don’t want to, especially the young ones who are coming to our planet right now.  They are different, and leading us on a new course, which is more properly aligned with our soul.

 What lessons and tools can we use to help our children grow beyond Resistance? 

 Lesson #1 : Teach cooperation.  Cooperation means working or acting together for a common purpose and benefit. No matter the age of our children, they will respond positively with this larger idea of cooperation. They often like to help and be a part of something bigger. We just have to show how valuable it is, and determine the common purpose. 

For example, maybe mom is making a special treat, but she also has lots of work to do around the house.  Mom would like to get that work done, before she makes the treat, and to do this, she needs help.  The common purpose is for the treat to be made so everyone can enjoy it. Therefore, everyone must help with the duties around the house.  They might still resist and complain, but if we continue to invite moments where we show and teach the value of working together for a common goal, eventually they will come to understand its value, and reward.

Hey, and for parents with young ones- you know Barney’s clean up song, right?  Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share.  Make cooperating fun- create a song, whistle while you work. 

Lesson #2: Do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do(This comes from Denzel Washington.  Thanks Denzel.) When our kids get caught in the energy of resistance, it is difficult for them to see the greater purpose of whatever requirement that has come their way. We can help by giving them the perspective of doing what they have to do so they can do what they want to do. 

My oldest daughter, Alyssa is a senior in high school. She has dreams and plans of going to California after she graduates to continue her studies and gain experience as an actor.  Through all of her years in school she has been an A/B student. However, last year she had to take the MCA test.  She did not pass the test by two points, and now has to take it again, plus take a class to help prepare for it.  She hasn’t been happy about this at all. 

To move to a deeper and more resilient place, I remind her passing this test, no matter how unfair she or I thinks it is, it is what needs to be done so she can graduate and get on with what she wants to do, which is go to LA and pursue her talent. I also plant the seed of being receptive to the lesson of this experience.  What is it showing her?  What character traits might she develop by embracing this requirement to graduate?

Speaking of being receptive….

Tool #1: Model Receptivity. The best way to teach receptivity is to be an example of it.  Being receptive means having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.  How are you at being receptive?  Do you complain about what’s coming at you, or do you receive what’s coming to you, taking it as a lesson to be learned, and an opportunity to be stretched?  How open and flexible you are, will determine how your children respond to you and the world outside, and inside of them. 

Remember we are energetic beings, and our children are more connected to this truth than we are.  They often resist the energy we are carrying, which brings us to our next tool.  What is our intention when we require something from our children? What energy are we running? Are we coming from a place of control or respect?  Openness, or an expectation of conflict? 

Tool #2: Request & Ask, Don’t Demand. If we are coming from a place of expecting there to be conflict because that is what we are used to when we want our children to do something, then we will run a tight and constricted energy pattern, which may cause us to act as dictators demanding instead of cooperators requesting. Remember we are energy. Therefore, they may not be resisting “wiping the table.” Instead it may be the energy we are transmitting that they are resisting.

I understand the tight and constricted energy, as my youngest daughter Lilli and I have had lots of tension between us.  She demands with her drama and intense energy that I dig deeper and parent in a more mindful and loving way, and I have been resisting. However, I have moments with her that are open and easy, where no constrictive patterns are in place, and if they are, they aren’t able to sustain in the grace which is present.

On one such occasion, I wanted Lilli to do something.  Instead of forcing my agenda upon her because I expected conflict, I simply told her what my request was, and asked if it was ok.  It was powerful exchange.  There was no hesitation or resistance from her whatsoever and I felt as though we were two old souls respectfully and mindfully engaging and cooperating with one another.  Although I have yet to enter this space again, I know these moments can be more frequent, if we allow our agendas and resistances to melt away in the space of grace and honor of one another. 

Creating this space is possible when we develop the mindset which comes from the famous poem by Kahlil Gibran- Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. We forget this because our society has a limited belief, which says the opposite, that our children are ours to dictate to and put our agendas upon, but this simply isn’t true. They are souls, here on their own journey, and picked us as their teachers and guides.  What an amazing opportunity for us. 

The challenge, of course is staying in this space of receptivity and higher wisdom.  To do so we must be mindful of our intentions, and the agendas we may be putting upon them. If our intention is about respect and honor, and not control, cooperation will win.  Coming from cooperation, our agendas will dissipate, and we will trust they will do the “right” thing and cooperate.  This will allow us to hold a more gentle space when speaking to them, where we request and ask, and not demand.  

Which brings us to….

Tool #3: Allow for Space~ Mantra and Meditation. Maybe resistance in our children is a symptom of overwhelm.  Maybe they are tired, and when they whine and resist, they are saying I feel so safe with you this is my way of letting you know, Mom, Dad, please listen and help me.  I need a break. I need some space to be me

We are busy people on this planet. Life moves fast.  The culture is stuck in a perpetual pattern of more is better and constant movement means we are looking productive and useful.  All I want to say to this is- STOP.  There is a time for movement, and a time for space, for just being.  If we allow for this type of space and not have every minute superficially controlled, our children can breathe and have moments of remembering who they are, and why they are here.  Then we can better support their awakening and expressive journey.  What an amazing opportunity we have!  

One way we can facilitate space, is to teach a mantra and meditation.  A mantra can be sound, phrase or word, as simple as the word breathe, which can be said repeatedly while in the midst of resistance, mindless chatter and overwhelm in the brain. Meditation, a longer version of a mantra offers space between a stimulus and response as well.  Our children are never too young to learn these methods.  And if this doesn’t’ resonate, intentionally allow for space for them to just be- with no television, video games, or other distractions.  Less outer stimuli, means more authentic, inner stimuli so they can be who they are meant to be. 

I suggest you do this for yourself too.  The space you create inside yourself will give you an energy your children will not resist.  But it is going to take a commitment, and perhaps a shift in intention from parenting in angst and obligation to parenting from a spiritual perspective and duty. Here we become watchers of our children, noticing their resistances and where they get stuck. When we notice, we guide them through it with wisdom and trust, so their soul’s journey continues to unfold.  We must allow space for this journey, and the best space is in the home. 

Resistance is one of those large monsters we face on our spiritual journey  but with some education, investigation and willingness to expand inside ourselves, we can create enough space so we can feel the resistance and cooperate anyway.

Nikki Di Virgilio is a mother of two girls, a homemaker, and a keen investigator of  the spiritual journey.  She blogs at  The Soul Reporter  and  The Inspired Homemaker. She also educates and facilitates the awakening journey to individuals and groups.  For more information about her services, contact her at Nikki’s Sacred Space.

It’s always a good idea to ask an expert. So let me introduce to you Becky Knight, Clinical Sexologist. Today Becky is helping us make the connection between our guiding values and our sexual choices. Making that connection will help us feel more confident about our sexual choices, calm the voices in our heads that lead to self doubt, and quite the old tapes we don’t need to listen to any longer. Becky, take it away…

Living with Sexual Integrity

Sexuality is a part of life. From the cradle to the grave, we make choices about how to live our lives as sexual beings. We choose beliefs about our bodies, about our desires, and about our behaviors. We choose who to pursue or rebuff. We choose the words and images that inform our sexuality and that give it context.

How we make those choices can be influenced by any number of things: our childhood messages about sexuality, our time and place in society, and the dynamics of the relationship we have with ourselves and with our partners. How healthy those choices are, I believe, is impacted by how closely they align with our guiding values.

When Rachelle’s *8 Things challenge was to create a list of guiding values, I had to pause. Could it be that I had never thought about it before? And could my general guiding values also be at the core of my sexuality? It seemed so obvious, and yet more than a little intimidating. I could have pondered that question for hours, trying to create the ‘perfect’ list. Instead, I shot from the hip and wrote down the first *8 Things that came to my mind. I trusted that if I took a moment to look inward, that I knew what I value most. And you know what, my list looks pretty good! It is a reflection of how I want to live my life.  

Here’s how you can use your guiding values to shape and direct your sexual self:

Write It Down: If you haven’t already done this exercise, I suggest you pause right now and do it. Calm yourself and trust your heart, and write down your guiding values. There is no right or wrong list, there is only your list.

Look Within: The next step is to sit back and look at your list. Look at it, and love it, and ask yourself some questions: 

• Are these values guiding my sexual choices? 
• Which of my values is it easiest for me to express in my sexuality? Which is the hardest? 
• Where has my sex life been inconsistent with my guiding values? How might my sex life be better if it matched up to my values? How can I make the changes I need to? 
• How can I use these values to support my sense of myself as a sexually whole and vibrant person? 

Take a Step
Move towards Sexual Integrity. By that, I don’t mean some religious morality or adherence to a set of rules. I mean, fix the places in you where your guiding values are not guiding you. If there’s an aspect of your sexual life that leaves you feeling anxious or weak, perhaps it’s because the choices you are making are not supported by your self-knowledge of what gives your life its shape and meaning. Be brave, and make a move.

Buddy Up

• It’s okay to ask for help. Reach out to a friend and tell her about your desire to be brave in this part of your life. She probably wants to be brave too. 
• Talk to your partner. Tell them that you want to create a sex life with them that reflects your values. Invite them to share their values as well. Make your intimate life more intimate by being brave together. 
• Get expert help. Find a coach or counselor who can help you move towards sexual health and wholeness.

Our sexuality should add great comfort, passion and humor to our lives. It should give us security, while at the same time allowing for vulnerability and the risks inherent in knowing and being known. It should strengthen and deepen our values as we see that our lives, sexual and otherwise, are better because we’ve lived with integrity.

Becky Knight is a Clinical Sexologist, Educator and E-Coach. She can be found blogging at LivingSexuality.com and she’s a twitterer. Don’t miss her current project,  Best Blog Series Ever. Periods.

More from Magpie Girl: 
The Blessings (on integrity)
Why I’m Not Teaching my Kids Abstinence-Only
God Sticks and Shame Caves
Abstinence, Kids, and Faith: Thoughts from the Comment Gallery

As I listened from a vaguely discreet distance, there was a tone in his voice and a certain lean to his body that I recognized. This particular combo is what he uses when he’s trying to convince someone that he’s doing what they want him to do. But it’s a little tricky because it’s also the tone and posture he uses when he’s trying something on for size—sort of sussing out if he really believes what he’s saying, seeing if what he’s thinking of is really a good fit for him. I like it when he does this. I think it’s really wise. It makes me proud.

Later he and I were able to talk this college thing out a bit over breakfast. (These things always go better over a breakfast burrito.) It became clear that while he’s aware that most of the parental-types in his life would like to see him in college at some point, he wasn’t just blowing smoke at us when he mentioned the college catalogs. He really is interested in the possibility of taking some course — he’s just not sure how to do college his own unconventional way. He doesn’t want to get trapped on some horrid jump-through-the-hoops, school-debt, hamster wheel from hell. In short, he’s trying to figure out how to make college work for him, instead of the other way around.

See, I told you he was smart.

This got me to thinking about all the courses I slogged through and hated, and all the books I bought and never used. It was a lot of waste. So here, in retrospect are my Magpie Girl’s Tips for College Courses.

 1. Take Eclectic Classes. At most schools you can attend “non-matriculated”-meaning you don’t have to be accepted into a specific program to take a course in the program. Use this to your advantage. Skip the pre-requisites as much as possible, and try out a handful of varied topics that intrigue you. (The 19yo’s short list? Math, Logic, Epistemology.)

2. Don’t Throw the Baby out with the Bath Water. The problem with first year classes, is that they are first-year classes. The prof is underpaid, half of his/her students don’t want to be there, and quite frankly, neither do they. NOT ALL CLASSES ARE LIKE THAT. Don’t give up. Try the one down the hall.

3. Don’t Buy the Books. If possible (and it will depend on the class) sit in on at least the first class session (or 2, or 3) before you buy the books. You want to be able to walk away with your bank account unscathed. If you can tell the class is the wrong fit for you early on, then you’ve saved yourself some money. Also, save your receipts. Selling books back at the end of the term will get you far less than half the price of what you paid for them in September. And try BigWords.com or Half.com for discounted textbooks.

4. Transfer. If you don’t like a class, change it. Understand your school’s rules about the deadlines for changing courses. You usually have a week or so to swap courses if you change your mind. Some schools let you change one or two courses for free, but even a small fee is better than a semester in a course that’s not right for you. At big schools pre-requisite freshmen courses are sometimes taught in multiple sessions with different lecturers or TA’s. Don’t like yours? Sit in on a different session and see if someone else is a little less sleep inducing.

5. Be Independent. If you parent’s can’t help you pay for college, consider filing for taxes as an independent. This will mean your parent’s can’t “claim” you on their taxes and won’t get to have you as a deduction, so talk it out with them. But if it’s just you and your McJob salary on the FASA application, you’ll probably get a better financial aid package.

6. Think about Community Colleges. If you travel off the beaten path, a straight-up four year school might not be for you. Back in the day, community colleges were called “Junior College” and had a “lesser than” stigma attached to them. Now, many Community Colleges are functioning like charter school, specializing in niche programs like graphic design, or early childhood education. Some are hidden gems, offering fine-tune training at lower prices and with less competition than the universities. They’re also a less expensive place to explore. Also, new professors often get their first gigs at community colleges and can shine with newbie enthusiasm.

7. Consider Non-Traditional Schools. Grade-free schools and/or those with self-designed programs like Reed College (Oregon) or Evergreen College (Washington) or UC Santa Cruz (California) are also great starting out, or transfer schools. Just because you don’t like structure doesn’t mean you won’t like college.

8. Do it Slow. There’s no need to go into debt and finish in four years. Part-time is fine—even preferable—as it gives you more time to build a resume, experiment with subjects you like, and earn-along. (So much more preferable than big loans! Remember, you may be a social worker and not a MBA when you’re done!)

In short, explore. You’re already on your path. Enjoy it!

What tips to do you have for college-aged kids young adults who don’t follow the beaten path? What do you wish you had a “do over” on from your college days? Tell us in the comments below, and add to the Giant Pool of Wisdom,  forming now.

It’s back to school season with the last of the schools in the U.S. starting up after this Labor Day weekend comes to a close. Children are trying on outfits, putting their names on backpacks and picking out new lunchboxes. But beyond the ritual of buying schools supplies, what can you do to create a sacred space around going back to school?

Starting a new grade is a big rite of passage for children — one that more often than not goes by unnoticed. In the flutter, hurry and relief(!) of finally getting those kids back in school, busy parents don’t have a lot of time to mark the moment. So here are 3 easy ways to honor the back to school process.

1. Special Breakfast. For many years I had a habit of making the children a special breakfast for the first day of school. The food wasn’t that fancy, just French toast and orange juice usually. But I made a special effort to set the table nicely, maybe with flowers or pretty napkins. I left a note on each of their plates with an affirmation for the year — my hopes for them that season. “May you make friends who love and respect you.” Or “This year – long division with ease!” Other options: a scripture verse to guide the year, or a favorite quote or poem about growing up, challenges, or surprises.

2. Growth Spurt: Many people have a practice of taking a photo of their children on the first day of school. Why not take it in front of something that can measure their changing height as the grow — say, with the same door frame in the background, or the swingset poles besides them. When they come home from school the first day, lay all the photos out in a row on the coffee table and let them celebrate how much they’ve grown.

3. Dreamboards. This year for back to school I made a collage for each of my girls with my hope for their learning experiences this year (both in and out of school.) I’m hoping that Cate will learn to love reading just a little bit more. (Time to give in and start buying graphic novels.) And my dream for Eden is that she discover ways to challenge her learning (even in the laid-back Danish skole system.) Both girls loved their pictures and we’ve hung them in the entry hall to keep those dreams fresh in our minds. This practice is especially nice because you can do it even if the kids’ first day has already passed

What do you do to celebrate the first day of school. What ritual or practice do you use to mark this rite of passage?

I struggle to live in the moment. So often I am casting my gaze back in regret and longing, or throwing myself forward in to future worries. I know it’s healthiest for me to live mostly in the Now. But to the Now I feel foreign born, and like an adopted child returning to the place of her birth, I must work a little harder to feel at home on what is truly my native land.

I notice this most when Summer fades to Fall, and the days begin to shorten. I start missing the Light even before she is gone. Start longing for her while she is yet by my side. And in doing so I waste the last long rays of her presence.

This then is my attempt to stay with her, to stay present as long as she is still here.  To remain alert to her companionship. To “…follow the day and reach for the sun.”Later when she is gone, these images may hold her near to me a little longer yet, until she gently moves my hand from her hers, pats my shoulder, and tells me to lean into the next season until she returns.  

 How do you stay present to the edge of this season? What will you need to transition into the next?

He comes to me in my dreams, this child of my heart, separated now seas and ages.

Sometimes the dreams are all absurdity. Last night in my somnolence he came to me with a new love. I asked after her:  what captivated? what called? His serious reply: “She taught me the word “Huntington’s.” Ah, what meaning in that then? Pizza for dinner, perhaps.

Othertimes they are wrought with meaning — Jungian symbols all in a row.  He is lost in the woods. And what are these clamps there on his shoulders, at his gut? What is written on this new scroll?  Are we falling or flying?

When he feels far from me, this child of choice, I wear this ’round my neck. A charm passed to me from my soulsister, long ago when I was the age he is now. Touch it with one finger there at the hollow of my throat. For safety. For comfort. For joy. Hoping to only connect.

A talisman then, swinging there over my heart.

In this photo post: Favorite things, culled from a vagabond’s backpack while on furlough from Denmark in the States, and posed on a swing which has held three generations. 

Would you like to Unravel? Sign up for Susannah Conway’sphotography and journaling ecourse.

Did you know you could fly?

Yes you, with the middle-aged greys springing out of your ponytail…

You with the quarter-life crisis and the world as your oyster…

You with Junior High staring at you from the business end of a double barrel…

You can soar, if only you will bend your knees and leap into the great unknown.

True, the next day, you may fly in a metal tube for 9hours with your broken ankle in temporary cast, and ice from the airplane galley packed around your leg. But you will know in your core  that for those clear sparkling moments you were Icarus triumphant. And, when you are old, you will remember those glorious seconds aloft with clarity; while the throb in your bones will be but a faint memory, calling to mind not a fall, but a flight.

“In life you will come to a great chasm. Jump.”  -J.Conrad

_________________

Cate as her pirate alter-ego, One-Eyed Jan, ready to defend her booty.

What the adorable offspring said:

“Mommy, why don’t you do something with me? All you ever do in Denmark is chores and work on the computer. And now all you are doing on our vacation is the computer!”

What actually happened the preceeding three weeks, when I did plenty of chores, but DID NOT WORK AT ALL.:

- trips to the homemade ice cream place
- daily swims in the ocean
-not one, not two, but three birthday celebrations
-kayaking by moonlight to watch fireworks explode over the Puget Sound
-letting the children swim–fully clothed– at 10pm
-tie-dying 7 kidlet t-shirts
-massive pirate-hunt with real buried treasure
-Eatin’ Eyeball hunt with a toy surprise in the pack
-approximately one million breakfasts, second breakfasts, lunches, snacks, dinners, and desserts
-4,000 tolerant hours of Sponge Bob Square Pants, ICarly and SYTYCDance
-numerous convertible rides
-making dreamboard collages with the cousins
-kite flying….

There’s more, but I forget. Still, I felt totally guilty for several hours while I tip tapped typed away that day. Oh those blue eyes, they are deadly.

What kid tactic really gets your parenting guilt goat? Tell us (and how you combat it) in the comments below. “Ain’t nobody going anywhere but together!”

 For the first time ever, Eden has asked that I NOT post her annual birthday letter on my blog. So in lieu of all that mushy goodness…this is she, and she is lovely.

Cate’s year of adventures, starting with the amusement park Tivoli in Copenhagen.

Dear Catie,

This morning when I woke up I was chewing, chewing, chewing away about what to write to you for this your Number Nine Birthday.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how Mama and Grandpa like to tease you about getting so grown up. I always say, “Catie! Who told you you could grow up so fast!” And Grandpa says you have to stay 8 another year because he missed your Number 8 year while you were in Denmark. (At least he’s “letting” you turn 9 when we celebrate all the cousins’ birthdays next week!)

But you know what Cate? I don’t think it’s very nice of us to tease you so. You are great at every age!

©       We loved you when you were one second old and crying softly in the operating room.

©       We loved you when you were Baby Cate and your tiny little tushy never touched the ground because no one ever wanted to put you down.

©       We loved you when you were a toddler and said such funny things like “I am getting fwusterated” and “I got distwacked” and “That’s ig-GUSTING!” and “I NOT yelling. I cweaming. You know, CWEAMING!!!!”

©       We loved you when you started school and uncovered your Superpower of being the Worlds Friendliest Child.

©       And we love you now when you are still just the right fit for a cuddle, but getting so big and independent as well.

Every age and stage of life is full and good things and challenges. And just because we love your little self so, we shouldn’t make you think there’s not fantastic stuff ahead in your bigger and bigger girl self. Because baby, there is some good stuff waiting for you this year. Nine is just fine!

This year you did so many big kid things! You learned Danish, a language so hard even Mama can’t learn it – yet you speak it like a pro. Danish grownups always say how perfect your accent is! And you’ve made friends from all over the world: Danish pals like Sara and Sidse, Mia from China, and dear, sweet Johanna from Estonia. You get to do a lot more independent things now, like taking the dog out by yourself or riding your bike to the library with Eden. You even get to walk to the train station to meet Daddy for dinner at McDonalds! Woah!  I don’t think I got to do any of that stuff until I was at least 10 – and that was in the old days when kids got to do that stuff younger. You are really doing great on the responsibility thing Cate!

I hope you will always remember your wonderful year of adventures: riding the double-decker bus in London; drawing the David in your sketch book in Italy; learning about old fashioned skole in Sweden; and picking up pebbles from the Berlin Wall in Germany. And don’t forget the Towers and Dome Tour of Europe with Eden and Daddy! I wonder how many steps you three have climbed to get to the top of the world?

I know this birthday summer here on the island with Giggy, Bompa and the cousins is going so fantastic for you. I’m so glad you get to start Year Nine off in such a beautiful place. I hope the peacefulness of this place – the still morning waters, the long glowing sunsets, and the hush of the rustling trees—sinks down deep inside you and fills you up for when times are not-so-easy. And I know you will be filled up to the top with joy as you run around with your sister and cousins: going out in the double kayak with Preston, building forts and hunting for treasure with Noah and Luke, and showing Jilly and Amelia all the best places to find crabs. Not to mention all the fun that is waiting for us still with the big Chapman cousins in Chicago. (Oh, Mommy cannot stand to look when y’all have Danger Adventures with the big boys! “Do you know you are very strong?”)

I love you Cate Shalom, and I’m so proud of my growing-up “Baby Cate.”

Lots of Love,

Mama

Cate loves collage, drawing, cooking, giggling and screaming. She celebrated her birthday with mocktails, sushi, and a Costco cake that could feed approximately 3,000. She is having 5 birthday parties this year in 2 countries, 3 cities, and 4 houses. You can celebrate her for hours here and here.

The result of one of my favorite start-of-the weekend chores — ironing our homemade cloth napkins for the week ahead.

The hot smell of  iron on cotton rises to me in a hiss of steam. I spread the cheerful colors beneath my palm, watch them smooth and ease against the board. Fold. Press. Steam.

There are never enough to match ’round the table. Never enough clean when company comes. But these napkins are ours, made by hand, pressed each week in a rite of gratitude.

Soon they will grace our chattery meals, be waved about in emphasis over a funny story, wipe mouths that have never known hunger.

This is alchemy –  a chore becoming prayer, a napkin transformed to a vestment.

What everyday spirituality moment are you treasuring today?

In 1997 my first child, Simeon, arrived stillborn and a I passed through a Mother’s Day in a queer state of being. I felt I had become a mother, yet I had no one to mother. People kept saying that I had “lost” a baby. The terminology troubled me and I struggled to find better words to describe what I was experiencing.

This year a dear friend is mourning the loss of her first child, who’s heart stopped beating midway through her second trimester. As I try to be a good traveling companion to her on the journey, memories and feelings from Simeon’s pregnancy and birth have come rushing back. Now I have so many more resources at my fingertips. Now help is a hand.

So on this Mother’s Day I offer these resources to you – for yourself, for a friend. And I hope that in the midst of the complicated emotions Mother’s Day might bring you may find among them, hope.

_______________

If you need a gift to memorialize a child turn to Stacy, the soulful artist at Bella Wish. Stacy makes personalized pendants which make a lovely traditional Mother’s Day gift. She can also help you find a way to support and remember someone on a more difficult journey. (She’s making my friend a set of pendants with encouraging words. What words might help someone you know through their trying time?)

If you or someone you know are mourning the unexpected end of a pregnancy or trying to survive a child’s death, Jenny Schroedel’s new book “Naming the Child: Hope-filled reflections on miscarriage, still birth and child loss offers heartfelt stories and suggestions for both mourning and remembering. I’m honored that Jenny included Simeon’s story in her book. She handled our story with respect and care, as she does all the stories on her beautiful and helpful website.

Rachel Barenblat is a long time favorite of mine at Velveteen Rabbi. She’s made Through, her collection of beautiful, supportive poems about miscarriage available as a free pdf, read aloud as an MP3, or as a chapbook for a low cost-only price. This is a wonderful resource if you want to find something inspiring to include in a card to a friend who is mourning, or to nurture your own soul through loss and into recovery.

At Surviving Baby there’s an excellent list of practical to “do’s and don’ts” in the post What to do When Her Baby Dies.

If you are on a journey through fertility Melissa Ford has a fantastic website, Stirrup Queens, and has recently published all her findings in her new book Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options.

If you need to follow the story of ‘someone like you’ I highly recommend the poetic Kate at Sweet Salty, who writes about the loss of one of her twin sons, and the joy of mothering the two boys who are still with her. 

Also on my list of recommendations is Jennell Paris at the Paris Project who writes frankly and thoughtfully about the loss of her triplets and her journey through pregnancy and parenthood. Jennell’s article When Mother’s Day is Hard is especially timely.

May comfort and healing be with you today, on Mother’s Day and in all the days that follow.

This piece is cross-posted from my regular Sunday column at BlogHer.com.

 1. Practice Hospitality. When I was a teenager my Mom used to stand the kitchen, shake her head and laugh while she said, “I should just install a revolving door!” Our tiny track house in California was home-base to all the teenagers in our circle. My siblings and I knew our friends were always welcome, and pals who were going through a rough time at home had a safe place to land. Now that my kids are school-aged, ours is the house everyone comes home to. In addition we take in stray teenagers, dogs, and wandering souls. That hospitality impulse goes on…

2. Tithe.  My folks became Christians in their mid-20′s and from then on at least 10% of their income went to charity. I can remember lean times in the house, but a little money always went into the offering plate, and a child was always supported through World Vision. Sometimes my Dad would feel suddenly compelled to give someone a $20 and he’d be walking across the parking lot towards their car with cash in hand. This taught me to prioritize giving in my budget – -something Paul and I have continued, and which we are passing on to the girls.

3. Communal Responsibility. One of the things I remember about growing up is that chores were treated as a contribution to the family community. It was clear from an early age that you did a chore to help meet the needs of the family and the house, and in return your needs in the family and in the house were also supported. We’re trying to pass this on to our kids by talking about our family as a community, and by not linking allowance to chores. (Everyone contributes, everyone receives. It’s not a reward for behavior, but a way of cooperative living.)

4. You Can ‘Make Do.’ I grew up in 70′s when the drought tortured California and the recession plagued the nation. Those were the times of day-old bread, peanut butter sandwiches, and grocery co-ops run out of neighbor’s garages. Times were tight, but we made it through. Somehow our parents managed to communicate to us that we had to pinch pennies, but we weren’t left feeling insecure. Those memories are a great comfort to me as our nation weathers the latest economic storm. I know that even on a shoestring, our family can thrive.

5. Do it Yourself. Things I can remember my folks doing over the years: building a solar dehydrator make our own banana chips; digging out a fish pond; pouring concrete sidewalks; restoring a ’57 Ford Fairlaine; picking and canning fruit; bottling root beer; sewing our own clothes; building a puppet show, play house, and seesaw from scrap lumber; making and installing stained glass windows; and more cooking and remodeling projects than I could shake a hammer at. Paul and I are nearly all-thumbs, and despite his handy tool belt, we do hire big things out. But the idea of making what you need has stuck with us. And our kids? They make birthday presents, sew and knit, and last month Eden learned to use a jig saw!

6. Rest. My Dad is a bit of a workhorse. He can get up go and go without breakfast or break. But he also knows how to rest. I have many fond memories of him baking in the sun on a chaise lounge, or curled up with me on the sofa watching monster movies on a Sunday afternoon. Family Sabbaths were frequently imposed, and a quiet afternoon was always valued. In our hurry-up, consumer culture, having a work/rest rhythm is tantamount to good spiritual, emotional, and physical health. In various periods of our life Paul and I have been known to practice Sabbath, yank the kids from school for a ‘personal day,’ or just spend the weekend reading in the breeze. Rest is a nearly a lost art that must be passed down through the generations.

7. “Traaaadition! Tradition!” You’d hear my folks sing this song from the Fiddler on the Roof every once in awhile-especially in our teens when one of us would whine to get out of some sort of family event. Traditions were bedrock in our family, and were largely in my Mother’s special purview. From holiday decorations to special foods to little rites like ice-cream-after-choir-performances, Mom made sure there were rhythms to our living. These traditions reinforced our family’s values and beliefs, and provided us with colorful family memories. Anyone who’s read my blog for more than five seconds knows that rites, rituals, rhythms and traditions are core to what I am about. That comes from Mom!

8. Camp. Even in the tightest of times my parents managed to get us out in the great outdoors. First with an army surplus tent, then Grandpa’s trailer, and finally with a small camper my folks took us all up and down the West Coast, up into Canada and down Mexico way. Once we even went camping and stewed up a squirrel for supper- booty my grandfather had shot and the only food we had left in the freezer when the grocery budget ran low! Most of my childhood memories center around things like overnights at Big Sur; snow New Years eve in a nearly deserted Yosemite; and 4^th of Julys in Malakoff Diggins -our favorite little gold town. Nowadays we don’t camp as often as I’d like. But we do get out a couple of times a year, building memories of marshmallows and mosquito bites with our own ‘happy campers.’

 What goodies have your parents passed down to you? Are they things you can hold in your hands or memories you hold in your heart? If you have kids, how are you passing them down to the next generation? Drop some in the comments below or grab a *8 Things badge and play along. Cheers!

Tuesday night the 19yo haunted my dreams, flitting in and out of whatever story was going on. We call this my “Spidey-sense” and when it happens, no matter how long he’s been incommunicado, I have to track him down and find out what’s what. 

Wednesday night the full moon glowed yellow and welcoming in my Copenhagen sky. I’m not usually very connected to the moon, but last night its glow, it felt important…powerful. So I sat down and made a quick-and-dirty dreamboard with the few supplies I had on hand,  uttering once again what my dear friend Dwight practically has tattooed on his forehead:

ONLY CONNECT.

By Friday we were back in touch and the emails went back and forth with tidbits and updates.

Oh, that Sister Moon, I love her so……

P.s. If Souren actually read my blog, I’m sure he’d be THRILLED with this photo. Sorry bruddah, if you sent me more pics, you’d get better airtime. :-)

For more about Dreamboard visit Jamie at Starshyne Productions, or read my interview with her sister Suzie of Chez Suzie here. What will you dream of this month?

1. No one makes me go to the ER on national holidays. (If you blow your finger off with illegal fireworks on the 4^th of July you are on. your. own.)
2. No one throws up on my carpet. (There’s plenty of beer in the fridge–but either don’t get that drunk, or make it to the bathroom.)
3. No one comes home pregnant. (I’m pretty firm on that one. Safe(r) Sex is a non-negotiable.)

I think those cover the basics, at least in my narcissistic corner of the world where it is largely about ME. But in that twenty something world where it is all about–well, YOU-perhaps a few more tips are in order. So, carrying on with our goal to turn our regrets into powerful insights for the next generation(s), here is my list of *8 Things Not to Miss in Your Twenties.

1. One Word: Travel. Go on European quarter; take a gap year in India, road trip across the continent. Your body will still let you sleep in cheap beds, the noise at the hostels won’t bother you, and you can live out of a backpack. Now is the time. Nothing will shape your future self like travel.
2. Avoid Consumer Debt. A modest school loan is one thing, but credit card debt–and I would even say car payments–are something I would try to avoid. I you must buy a car, do it used and make sure the payments are low. Now is not the time to be flashy. Save it for your midlife crisis.
3. Experiment. In the words of the wise Homer Simpson, “There is a time and a place for everything, and that place is called college.” I would like to second that. If you want to try risky things, now aint’ a bad time to do so. If it doesn’t work out you’ll recover more quickly and have more time to make it right.
4. Get High With a Little Help from Your Friends. Okay, I am SO of two minds about this, but I’m trying to acknowledge that most people are going to try things out at some point. This age seems better to me than high school. Why? Because you are a little older and a little wiser and are far less likely to do some dumb-ass thing while high. (Guess who works with teenagers?) One of my coach-the-teenagers partners has this rule, “It has to come from the ground.” After seeing the effects of a wide range of drugs on young peeps, I think this is good advice.
5. Don’t Rush Marriage and Children. Now is a good time to read, ask, and think about what it is like to commit to marriage and to child rearing. I don’t know about the men folk, but a lot of women default to marriage in the first post-college years, in part to create a path for themselves at a time when their lives feel unfocused. This is not a good reason. Fall in love, fall into bed…but don’t fall into a life you haven’t really considered.
6. Learn About Feminism. I know the “women can do anything message” has been sung for awhile now, and most young people have gotten the message. But I’m amazed at how many young women think gender equity has been reached. That is just bullshit. When women still get paid less then men, still take most of the second-shift burden, and regularly give up their power, things are not as they should be. Educate your self. Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti of Feministing is a good place to start. And guys, this goes for you too.
7. Get an Internship. Nothing will beef up your resume and prepare you for the ‘real’ working world like a good internship. Don’t settle for a work-study job in the cafeteria. Find something in a field you are interested in and explore!
8. Live at (or close) to Poverty Level. This may not be for everyone, but if you are at all inclined towards living in a commune or in some other form of intentional community, this is a good decade to try it. I spent part of a summer in an inner-city commune in Chicago, lived a year earning just a few hundred dollars a month with AmeriCorps, and quit my full-time job to work part-time while running a teen shelter for free. The people I met during those times taught me more about dignity, resilience and justice than anything else I’ve done.

Got some good advice? I totally know you do! Add to the giant pool of wisdom by listing your *8 Things in the comments, playing along on your blog, or meme-ing out on Facebook. Cheers!

One of the things I’ve been doing on my crisis is regretting much of my youth. I’ve been naming a lot of things as “wasted” and wishing I had a fistful of do-overs. 

Until today.

Today I decided that instead of regret, I would mine my past for wisdom. I would stir these longings around and use them to create some advice for the lovelies coming up behind me.

I’ll be giving this unsolicited advice decade by decade over the next two Thursdays. Here’s my first installment on thing sthat will prep peeps for life ahead, and let them seize their teenage day.

 *8 Things I Highly Recommend You Do in Your Teens.

 1. Do It. If you are over 15, and you are seriously in love with a boy/girl–for more than a few weeks, please–and you want to sleep with them, feel free. (More on this theory here.)

2. Wear a bikini. I know you may feel fat, but you look goddamn fantastic. Celebrate the body you have now while everything is UP where it started.

3. Learn how to write a research paper. I cannot tell you what decent writing and research skills will do for you.

4. Forget the ‘dictorians. Get good-to-great, not great -to-fantastic grades. The Ivy League is overrated. For most people, 4.0′s will not be required. You might as well enjoy your youth.

5. Learn to drive a stick shift. (Have someone other than your parents teach you.)

6. Take a foreign language — not one year, every year of high school. If you live in California, Texas, Arizona, or New Mexico this language should be Spanish. (Respect!)

7. Do what you are afraid of: sports, drama, circus training, spending the summer away from home. This is the era of carpe diem.

8. Carry these things with you: a tampon, a condom, enough money to cab home, and a few reliable phone numbers WRITTEN ON PAPER. (In a crisis I can virtually guarantee your cell battery WILL run out and you WILL discover you don’t have anyone’s phone numbers memorized.)

What *8Things Do You Highly Recommend People Should Do in Their Teens? Grab a button and play along. Don’t blog? Drop your list in the comments below or help me start a rage on Facebook.