9.20.08 Update: This is now up in essay form as well…just scrolll down.

This is something that came to me today. It will be up in a day or two as a text post. But for now, I think it wants to be just sound. I’m sorry it doesn’t look prettier. If anyone can tell me in simple terms how to change the code so this is an embedded file that doesn’t have to open in a new window I’d appreciate it. Until then, thank you for listening as-is. Oh, and please say nice things, or at least that you listened. Podcasting still feels tender-new to me. Tak.

Click this to listen: 001_a_004_rachelle-mee-chapman_choosing-the-beast_2007_01_25

Choosing the Beast

I sat in silence for the first time in a long time today. No YouTube background noise, no music, not even the warm tumble-thump of the dryer. Just the candles and a tub full of warm water, and the sounds of my noisy mind slowly settling into stillness.

There is a way of holding still without becoming stiff that only happens for me in the womb like waters of a bathtub. As I have no bathtub here, this stillness is a much longed for and uncommon occurrence. Today, in my borrowed claw foot basin something came to my side. A realization:

The choice to love, to really love, is incredibly, ridiculously brave.

It is not a surrendering of self. But rather, a time when you scramble a bit to find your footing, and then stand in your own power and look the Vast Beast in the eye and say, “I choose this.” I choose this thing that can both protect me and tear me apart; that can and will bring me my most enthralling joys and my most excruciating and unanticipated pain. I choose the risk. I choose the possibility of endings. I chose to be as simpatico as old souls and to be equally, heartrendingly misunderstood. I choose to be at intervals rashly taken advantage of and unexpectedly worshipped. I choose this terror and this beauty. I choose love.

There are many times when we step into this place of love in naiveté—in the blithe flush of new crush and happy mutual adoration, blissfully unaware of the awe-full power we are inviting into our lives. We do this when we marry; when we choose our children; when we accidentally fall in love with a jubilant soul, with the idea of beauty, with wanting to be a writer or a painter or a poet; with a country we did not even know was part of our bones. When this happens, we live in that place for awhile with ease and contentment, unable or unwilling to see the depth of the pact we have made, not acknowledging that some part of our soul was the currency used in the bargain. Sometimes this joyride continues through the long luxurious length of our journey. But more often the fearful awesomeness of what it really takes to sustain the choice to love looms in front of us and we find that we must be very brave. Brave enough to say, “I choose this still.” Brave enough to stay the course, to maintain the bond even when it becomes painful to do so. Brave enough to say I will bear the ache of watching you grow up, of watching you be sick, of watching you grow old. I will bear the confusion over what to do, over how to love you best. I will love you through this whirlwind, through this firestorm. I chose this beast called love.

I am in a place right now where I must very intentionally choose to love: to love people who are far away; to love my challenging tween and teen; and most challengingly to love my own ill and tired self. And I am watching others commit brave acts of love: surrendering to a first love; watching someone die; tending to a baby soul born at midlife; loving someone through the sickness part of “in sickness and in health.” These acts, these making of stands on the high ground of love are so real, so raw, so terrifyingly powerful they make me want to shield my soul from the solar-flare burst of it all.

But I won’t. I don’t. Instead I stand in the choosing. I stand in the heart of the flame and I try to remember, “if you are never afraid you can never be brave.” And then, I chose love.

My darling Eden turned 10 in July, but due to family visits and poor planning on my part, she never got her annual birthday letter from Momma. Today I finally sat down and wrote my big girl the letter she deserves. Happy (belated) birthday dearheart!

(open this in a new tab for a musical background :-)

Dear Eden,

And now, you are ten. The big one-oh. A decade. A Decade! How can that be? (Do I say that every year? I bet I do. Silly Mama.)

Eden, I’m just so proud of you I hardly know how to express it. When I was younger, and I heard parents say they were proud of their children I always thought they were being kind of stuck up. I thought the parents meant they were proud of the job that they had done raising their children – like whatever wonderful traits the boy or the girl had, it was because their parents were so good at parenting. Now that I’m older and have been a Mother for a decade, I realize that’s not what parents mean at all when they say. “I’m so proud of her.” What they mean is, “Isn’t that amazing, all the wonderful things that girl can do? Isn’t she strong! Isn’t she smart! Hasn’t she learned so much! I am so proud of her!”

One of the things I like best about being a Mom is watching my children learn and grow. You have always been such a bright child that watching you learn was one of those things I could notice right away—even when I didn’t really know what Mom’s should be watching for yet. (New Mom’s have a lot to learn!) People hardly ever believe me, but even before you left the hospital you were lifting your head up off my shoulder so you could look around – something most baby’s don’t do for many weeks. I have a picture of you on Gig Gig’s shoulder looking all around and you are so tiny I can hardly believe your little neck can get your head up and around like that! You can see you inquisitive mind working in lots of your baby pictures. It’s easy to see that your wide, wise eyes are soaking in as much of the world as possible.

But these last few years, as you’ve become a school-aged kiddo, and are now a ‘tween’, I am even more amazed at how clever you are and how quickly you learn about your world.

In the time between when you were nine and when you were ten, you have accomplished so many things! You learned how to be responsible enough to ride your bike on your own. I remember the first time you got to ride your new bike around the block by yourself. You were so in awe. You looked at me in amazement and said, “I get to ride it all by myself! I’m going to ride around the block 29 times tonight!” I think you did ride around 29 times too! I know for sure you went through a couple bottles of water and rode until dark, that’s for sure.

In the time between when you were nine and when you were ten you learned how to choose friends who were good for your soul – leaving behind friends who treated you disrespectfully, and discovering loving souls like Noah to be your withmates. Is so good to see you and Noah together and know that you are two peas in a pod, and I know you will find someone that lovely here as well as time goes by. You are good friend Eden, caring and fair, generous with words of affection, quick to comfort someone when times are hard, and just as quick to celebrate when something goes well. Being a good friend is one of the best qualities person can have in this world, and you have that gift in heaps and mounds!

Between the time that you were nine and ten you learned an entire new language in just 2 months! You read a half dozen—not just novels—but series of novels! You learned how to make pancakes, grew responsible enough to have your own cell phone, and started to do some of the family shopping by bike! You are amazing.

And you’ve grown in other ways too this year. Remember how we used to be a totem pole with Souren? I fit under his chin, you fit under mine and Catie fit under yours? Not anymore! Now you are now nearly as tall as your Momma. (5 1 to my 5 3). Pretty soon you’ll be looking down at me and patting me on the head! And you’ve grown into your own sense of style this year too – sporty and comfortable, with soft seams and no pink sparkles. You always look long, lean, healthy, and vibrant. I know you get embarrassed when I say it and often roll your eyes, but you are so beautiful!

I can hardly believe my frail little baby who wouldn’t nurse and had to be weighed everyday for fear she was shrinking is now this tall, elegant girl who reads through entire libraries, swims like a fish, rides her bike around Copenhagen, and speaks two languages. Miss Eden Claire, I declare, you’re the sweetest anywhere…and I am indeed, very proud of you.

Happy birthday Ten Year Old!

Because of the One Hour Experiment, Magpie Girl has been a little quiet lately. But I’ve been writing away at other places on the web, and I’d be honored if you’d visit my work there.

BlogHer: Contributing Editor, Religion and Spirituality

Finding Your Blogging Soulmate
Failure: Sin or Saving Grace?
Finding Simplicity

Faith At Work: Columnist, Applied Parenting

Moving into the Neighborhood

Minti: Powered by Parents

Tips for Getting the Kids Back to School

Food Hero: Food by friends, for friends.

Pizza Night!
How to Organize Your Recipes
Steak with Lime Marinade and Spinach Salad
Lazy Gourmet: Oven Pancakes
“Doctored” Bolognese Sauce
Mushroom and Chicken Risotto
(These are just my posts, but my partner in food crime Katy K has cocktails, salads, and apps up for you too!)

A picture book by Cate Chapman, age 8. (To see it on a bigger screen click here. )

Hello friends!
I’ve been posting hither and yon on the web this week. Here’s a little round-up, just in case you were curious.

Minti: Powered by Parents
Tips for Traveling to Big Cities with Kids

Food Hero: Food by friends and for friends.
Lazy Gourmet Bruschetta
White Sauce with Proscuitto, Spinach and Peas over Tortellini

BlogHer: You say it. We Share it.
Finding Happiness

That’s my daughter in the water….

The energy and sunlight of Summer can wake up our creative spirit — or the the heat and presence of the Children can rob us of our energy and time. Either way, this set of books is a good fit.

If you’re feeling ready to make/write/create/do something, one of these will give you new ideas and encourage you on. If you don’t have time for your regular work of writing/painting/carving monuments out of marble, then these books will let you slip things in around the edges. Several of them work well across age groups and can be used for collaborative art with the young ones. Happy creating, and thanks for supporting Magpie Girl! (More reviews at here, if you’re curious…)

Cate refuses to accept that summer is over last Labor Day.
Photo by MadGiddy.

Dear Catie,

I know Momma’s all over the world say this at nearly every birthday for nearly every child, but I cannot believe you are eight years old! You have such a sweet little voice, and the top of your head still smells like baby hair – so I often forget how much you have grown up!

The child development books say there are years of equilibrium and years of dis-equilibrium, and this has been an unbalanced year for you. You’ve done a great job, and worked hard at growing up, but it has been hard and sometimes you have been tired.

Seven has reminding me a lot of three, with my golden-haired baby suddenly errupting into ‘the rage mister.’ Daddy and I have tried to teach you that it’s okay to be angry. But that anger shouldn’t be thrown at other people. You’ve worked hard to get your anger into a reasonable level so that you don’t hurt the dog or your sissy with scary voices or mean words. I’m proud of you! And you are doing very VERY well at figuring out what emotion is hiding behind anger’s big noise. Did you know that a lot of grown-ups can’t even do that! You are so awesome!

This year we moved away from Seattle to Denmark. It was a HUMONGOUS change, and you are handling it really, really well. I know you are frustrated that you don’t speak Danish yet (especially because Sissy does.) But you understand SO much, and you are already making Danish friends. So don’t worry, you will speak it soon. And don’t worry about forgetting English either. I promise you will always remember your English words. You don’t have to trade one for the other.

Your superpower of Friendship has definitely been able to Shine this year! You made such close friends with sweet Claire before we left, and every kid in class wrote amazing things about you in your goodbye book. I’ll never forget you reading that book so tenderly, and not even wanting to share it with mommy at first, because you knew how precious all those words were. You cried a little and said, “Mommy, I wish I could just call all these friends and say ‘thank you’ because they said SUCH nice things about me!” And do you know what baby? They are all true! Just yesterday Daddy said that you have special aura about you that draws people to you. Everyone says they notice you because you have such cute hair, but Daddy thinks it is because of your superpower. People are drawn to you because you are such a good friend. I guess that’s why every kid on the street waves to me – even though I don’t know them—and then says to their Mom or the friend they are walking with, ‘Det er Cate’s Moa’ (That’s Cate’s Mom!) Everyone knows Cate because she is good friend!

You are going to get to do such amazing things this year! Go back to drum or piano lessons. Sail to an island in the Danish sea. And because sculpture is your favorite, we will go to Italy so you can see the very best sculpture in the whole world. I can’t wait to see you looking up at those amazing Michelangelo’s! By this time next year you will have a whole slew of new friends on your playdate schedule; a half dozen new pins on your ‘where I’ve been’ map; and maybe even a solo airplane flight to sail with Grandma and Grandpa on the Lady Penelope!

Thank you for being my younger (not little!) daughter, and for being the best cuddler in the whole wide world. I love you, ‘Baby’ Cate!

-Moa

Cate is turning eight on Sunday and it shows.

Every year around her birthday, Cate pretty much freaks out. When she was 3 she was nicknamed ‘the ragemiester,’ and whenever she goes through stages of transition she reverts emotionally to the screaming stage.

Last week Cate was driving me crazy – screaming at her sister, giving up games and projects at the slightest road block, dragging her heals around her chores. Finally she came into the kitchen and saying: “Moa? Moa? Moaaaaaaah?”

My first impulse was to snap at her, but a little bell rang inside me and I got down at eye level instead. “What do you need Cate?” She looked at me with a surprised look, and then stared around kind of blankly. Finally she said, “I can’t remember…I…um…I think I just need some extra attention.”

I was pretty proud of her just then—sussing out her emotional needs like that. So we sat down on the floor and she cuddled up next to me and we talked about this and that for awhile. Eventually she said, “Moa. I don’t want to have a party for my birthday.” I was surprised to hear that, seeing as she had been making invitation lists for weeks.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because it will be so noisy. And there will be too much kids. And there has to be games and everyone has to get a prize and people are sad if they don’t get the prize they want and I get mad because I don’t even think they should get prizes and attention because it’s my birthday! (pause) And also, it’s a lot of Danish.”

Once again, pretty impressed. Instead of a party Catie decided to take her friend Elsa to a local amusement park for the day. She knew it meant less presents, but it didn’t seem to bother her, and there was ice cream in the deal, with sprinkles — or possibly a cotton candy as big as her head–so really, what more could you want?

Before I became a mother, I assumed kid-birthdays were fun. I remember mine as being really fun. Then again, I have a distinct memory of sobbing my head off at my sixth birthday because my grandfather cut the ear off the panda bear cake. (I’m not sure what I thought would happen to the cake, but I sure didn’t want that panda to get cut up.) I’d never really considered how frightening it can be to mover deeper into being a ‘big kid’ each year, or how overwhelming some kids might find the sugar-fueled celebrations. Ans as much as Moa isn’t ready for her little one to get so big so fast, maybe the little one isn’t all that ready either.

So here are some tips and tactics we’ve tried to help ease the transition into the next level of bigness. I hope some of them will help if your child has a hard time around birthdays.

-As the big day approaches (and for some time afterwards, perhaps) carve out some extra time to spend with your child one-one-one.

-Look through a photo album together and talk about fun things that happened in each age/stage of your child’s development. Assure them that there are good things around the corner.

-Be extra faithful to any comfort rituals you have already established with your child – bed time routines, read-a-loud habits, special suppers .(Friday is pizza night around here.) These familiar rites may be especially important during this time of transition. Try not to let the busyness of birthday plans push out the everyday anchor points.

-Limit family activities in the weeks surrounding the birthday. Don’t over tax the child with ‘fun’ events.

-Try to find out what kind of celebration would feel best to your child. (A big party with pals? A fun outing with one friend? A special date with mom, dad, or family?)

-Talk about presents in advance and try to set reasonable expectations. – Will there be any presents? ((A lot of the familys we are friends with only do a gift from mom and dad, not from friends, on birthdays.) Does the child expect one present or many? Do they want ‘outing’ presents (movie tickets, trips to the aquarium) or ‘things’ presents?

-If family members tend to send ‘birthday money,’ talk about how that can be used if there is a special present the child wants, but doesn’t received. Doing some advance work on this may help cushion any disappointment on the big day.

-If you do have a party remember this rule of thumb: “the age of the child plus one” is a good guideline for how many kids to invite. More than that is tough for a kid to handle.

-Remember that often, the most memorable things about childhood birthdays are the simplest traditions – the fact that the birthday kids got to pick out the evening meal, or that the family always sang their favorite song to them at dinner time.

What are your tips for helping your child through growing-up transitions and birthday excitement overkill?

Cross-posted with other Magpie Mama parenting advice at Minti.com.

click watch a joyful romp

mother’s prayer #105

may my children for always
feel this at home in
their holy, beautiful bodies.
amen.