People say, “I knew you when you were six years old”
And you say, “But I’ve changed, I’ve changed, I’ve changed, I’ve changed.”
-The Head and the Heart, Ghosts
As the holidays approach I’ve been thinking about Family Feuds. Well, maybe not feuds so much as just disagreements.
Republicans vs Democrats.
“Living in Sin” vs “Moving in Together.”
Homeschooling vs Public Schooling.
Religious vs Relig-ish.
Is it any wonder why we all leave home? There are so many places where families can bump into each other.
Of course much of this centers around that little two letter word “vs.” Theoretically there is no me vs. them, only a universal us. Practically speaking however, we are challenged by the reality of living within an extended family, the members of which are all too interested in drawing lines. Differentiating from our family is a big part of growing up and creating an independent identity. When we go back home, the old habits emerge and we start drawing outlines around us and them so we know we are — both as a part of a family unit, and as individuals.
So what is an ecumenically-minded post-modernista to do? How can we all just get along?
- Practice Curiosity. One of my mentors, Jim Henderson, is always reminding me to “be especially curious.” Here in a country with fundamentalist leanings, our first language is debate. We are always trying to get someone on the other side of the “vs” line. If you find engaging in endless debate with your extended family helpful for you and yours, by all means, carry on. For a lot of families spirited debate is the tie that binds. But if arguments result in people stomping out of the living room, maybe it’s time to learn a second language. The language of dialogue is so much healthier for us than that of debate, and a great way to learn it is to be especially curious. Why is that belief valuable to your cousin? How does that practice help your mother feel safe? What does that tradition mean to your sister? Ask with honest curiosity and watch the bridges get built.
- Agree to Disagree. If you are a flexitarian and your family is fundamentalist, you may just need to agree to disagree. We’ve had to explain to portions of our family that our relationship with them is more important to us than engaging in political or religious debate. We can’t remain in relationship with them if we are constantly fighting. So we’ve had to agree not to discuss those two topics. They are pretty core topics for all of us, so on some levels this keeps us in shallow waters. But without these boundaries our relationships would dissolve under the strain of the Great Debates. Our deal is: no forwarding political/religious email, no debates around the dinner table, and no family on Facebook.
- Camp Out on Common Ground. When I was struggling with how to relate to a dear family member, Flock contributor and therapist Jen Payne advised me to “find a comfortable place where you can camp out for awhile.” If your mother loves cooking, hang out in the kitchen. Your sister adores shopping, but it’s not your thing? Ask her to help you pick out a wedding gift for a friend, or find the perfect dress for your reunion. Rather than trying to make everything perfect, settle down into the place that is good enough and watch your relationship grow.
These three disciplines have brought a new sense of peace and connection to our gatherings. My blessing for you today Magpie is this: May the upcoming season bring you beautiful, bonded moments with the people you love.
Much Warmth,
Rachelle
*your magpie girl
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What about you Magpie? What tips and techniques have you used to build honest, peaceful relationships with your family? We’d love to know. Your wisdom helps us all — ‘cuz there ain’t nowhere to go, but together.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, tis the season to deal with some difficult family members. I think the most important thing is to remember that we don’t have to verbalize our ‘agree to disagree’ attitude. Voicing it often will exacerbate the high drama person. I find it works well to just smile and nod… without comment. That person won’t take offense to that because it leaves him/her a bit confused over whether you agree or disagree. And it leaves me content and proud that I didn’t engage.
I find that a sense of humour is the most useful thing when you feel those terrible tensions starting to gather. Even if you have to make yourself the butt of the joke.
The thing I find hardest to deal with are the very negative and critical comments, regardless of the focus. I’ve learnt to call them on it, usually with sarcasm ‘oh gosh, isn’t THAT a cheerful thought’, and then change the subject.
This is a great post, and so true.
I am very close to my immediate family, but still it has become more and more obvious that we often have different values in many areas. I used to always try to change them to my point of view, which would usually end up with me shouting and then them thinking that I am the misguided one. In the past couple of years I’ve been teaching myself to hold my tongue. This is better for them because then they feel more supported, and better for me because then I don’t get all worked up and frustrated. Also realizing that I want to be a source of support, not a source of pain for my family members has made me work hard to try to be more positive and at the very least refrain from making disapproving comments.
There are three swell pieces of advice in these comments — a little nugget in each one.
Kazari — this past week at my in-laws I chose (genuinely) to chuckle when my 5 yo nephew told me he loved Rush Limbaugh. In the past I would have gotten all worked up over the fact that a child was listening to that on the radio. But now I’m learning to “live and let live” and to see the humor in a very earnest kindergarted politico!
Michelle – Yes, the silent disagreement works well. Smile, nod, and vent a little afterwards to a partner, friend, or sympathetic sibling (if you have one in the bunch.)
Nicole — “be a source of support, not a source of pain.” What a lovely thought. I’m carrying that one with me.
I also thought of something a mentor of mine talked about once. We were both trying to decide when we let the various branches of the organization we were a part of have differing opinions, and when we, as the leadership, spoke up. We decided that when it became an issue of human rights and justice, we would voice discent. So when the organization said women couldn’t be in leadership, or gay and lesbian members had different rights than hetero memebers, we would engage the debate. If it was some argument over protocol or procedures, we’d let the different branches make an uninfluenced choice. In the family milleu this comes into play when my extended family voices homophobic language. Around that I will engage the issue, because of my role as ally to my GLBTQ friends. Ditto with racist remarks. Justice is my measuring rod.
Thanks everyone for contributing to the giant pool of wisdom today!