Chronically Creative: Living with Art and Biopolar Disorder

This week at Behind the Mic we have part three of Chronically Creative, a series of posts about working with chronic illness. Today we meet Abby from Life at the Poles, an artful soul working with Bipolar Disorder. Abby writes, paints, spins and dyes yarns, and rescues people like me when stuck on knitting patterns. She’s a keeper! Abby, set right up…  

Living with Art and Bipolar Disorder with Abby

Q: Not to be all “Suzie Sunshine,” but sometimes a chronic condition can drive us into new working patterns that end up being positive for us. I think of this as turning something typically seen as a weakness into a superpower.  Is there any way in which having Bipolar Disorder has become a superpower for you creatively? Does it in anyway empower or enhance your creative self?

I’m (slowly for me) learning how to use my moods, emotions, energy levels, mind sets to allow me to get the most done. I know when I’m in the middle of the higher part of a cycle, I can accomplish a tremendous amount of creative work – most of my artwork and design is the result of me tapping into the energy of the high points. However, I’ve also learned that I can accomplish a lot of nothing too, which leaves me feeling uninspired and extra depressed when that up phase ends and the lower part of the cycle kicks in, because I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. (Which is kinda true.) Right now,  I’m working on recognizing up and down phases and then getting to work on what I know I can best accomplish during each phase that I can’t during the other. For example, I can come up with one or two web site designs in a day when in the middle of an up phase, but if I even try and sit down to code basic CSS or XHTML when up, I will have to fight with myself to focus. However, during a down phase, I actually benefit from “getting lost” in the hundreds of little steps involved in taking an image to the web. Like making sure I spelled “background-image” correctly.

It’s feels a bit like I’m a firehose for creative energy – some days I’m on full blast and other days you shake the hose and wonder if there’s a kink in it somewhere. Knowing where I am in that cycle allows me to focus on getting what I CAN get done, done. So I guess in some ways, it’s as if I was given this superpower that I am just learning to tap into, but that tends to fire off on it’s own. I have to learn how to control it when it fires off on it’s own, and slowly learn how to tap into it the rest of the time. I figure with time and practice, it will be more at will and less at random. ;)

Q: What tips and tricks have your figured out for working with your creative + Bipolar cycles? Do you have things you say to yourself at different stages? What helps you survive and even thrive creatively with Bipolar challenges on your plate?

To pay attention to myself! I ask myself almost constantly “Why do I feel this way?” Am I just having a really good day? Did something happen that has me feeling down? Or is this less situational and more cycle related? I give myself permission over and over and over to feel whatever it is I’m feeling, as long as I’m going to work out WHY I feel that way sooner than later. It’s important to me to know and understand what is going on inside my head and heart so I know when there is a real issue to work through and when I just need to find my headphones and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist. At least until this phase passes.

Knowing what is going on inside also gives me some measure of control over a disorder I don’t have much control over. I may not be able to control how my brain and nervous system reacts tothe  day to day and to normal brain chemicals, but I can control how much I express those feelings. There is also a very real comfort in knowing that hey, I am NOT crazy, this just happens. It enables me to rise above it as much as I can, and keep going. So I guess I just ask WHY of myself a LOT, and then do my best to answer, as my primary way of surviving the constant changing of my emotional tides.

 What enables me to thrive is being able to view this disorder as not just a challenge, but a gift and tool. I have learned so much from having it, and am a much stronger person because of it. It also augments my love of art and helps me break outside of the box – something many people with Bipolar Disorder (and many mental disorders, actually) have an easier time doing. I apply that to my art in all of it’s forms, and also with how I deal with others. (Or I TRY at least!) For whatever reason, years of not being able to figure out what I was feeling helped me strongly identify and empathize with others. THAT is a gift I’d not trade for the world.

Q: What would you say to someone who has just been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder? What little nugget of info might carry them through the initial stages of learning to live with this particular chronic sidekick?

Journal, write, and give yourself permission to really feel and express how you feel during that time. And no censoring! (That’s important!) If you are angry, BE angry. Write angry. If you are soaring among the stars, then feel it, and write it. No one else has to read it, so it doesn’t matter how it reads. The important part is just that you get down what you are going through at the time, and what made you feel that way, if anything. Over time, you’ll start to see patterns, triggers, cycles, timing. And THAT is the best tool you can have in dealing with this disorder, after your medications (whatever they may be) and a good counselor. Actually, knowing your cycles and patterns will help your counseling/therapy progress. Knowing your patterns and triggers helps you maintain control over your life, even if you can’t control your disorder, or your mind set, intially. You’ll know what signs to look for that signal mania or depression, and you’ll know what to avoid to keep stable and when you are going to need a little help from friends and family.

Don’t let the disorder own or control your life – it doesn’t have to. And it does get easier. Like GI Joe says… knowing is half the battle. The better you know yourself, the easier living with Bipolar Disorder gets. Use the tools at your disposal, because that is what they are – tools.

Bonus Question: What have you got going on right now and how can we find you?

Oh my gosh, what DON’T I have going on? I’m in the middle of a minor identity crisis, so I’m playing with almost anything that comes my way, while learning to live productively and positively with this disorder. Even though I can remember feeling these cycles as a child, when you begin treatment and take control of your disorder, everything changes, including your sense of self. It’s incredibly freeing, but is it ever terrifying to not know who you are! So, I’m just going one day at a time trying to figure out who on earth I really am! And taking my own advice, I write about it a LOT at Life at the Poles. . And tweet about it almost just as much; I’m OririDraco on twitter. (I talk a lot though, you’ve been warned! ;)

Behind the Mic: Are you working with a chronic condition? How are you managing to live creatively with both your work and your illness? Please add to our Giant Pool Of Wisdom by commenting below. To read all the posts in this series click here; and stay tuned next week for another addition of Chronically Creative.

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