Help for When Mother’s Day Isn’t so Happy
It has come to this ex-pat’s attention, that it is Mother’s Day in the U.S. For those of you who are happily mothers, congratulations! May your offspring and partners (if you have one) celebrate with you today. For those of you who are not, may these resources support and nurture you today. (Previously posted during my tenure as Religion and Spirituality Editor at Blogher.)
It’s Mother’s Day in the States. For some this is a time to celebrate and fawn, thank and praise. For others it is a day that highlights their lack, or shines a spotlight on their sorrow. A complicated day then – and not at all as simple as the row of supermarket greeting cards seems to attest.
In 1997 my first child, Simeon, arrived stillborn and a I passed through a Mother’s Day in a queer state of being. I felt I had become a mother, yet I had no one to mother. People kept saying that I had “lost” a baby. The terminology troubled me and I struggled to find better words to describe what I was experiencing.
This year a dear friend is mourning the loss of her first child, who’s heart stopped beating midway through her second trimester. As I try to be a good traveling companion to her on the journey, memories and feelings from Simeon’s pregnancy and birth have come rushing back. Now I have so many more resources at my fingertips. Now help is a hand.
So on this Mother’s Day I offer these resources to you – for yourself, for a friend. And I hope that in the midst of the complicated emotions Mother’s Day might bring you may find among them, hope.
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If you or someone you know are mourning the unexpected end of a pregnancy or trying to survive a child’s death, Jenny Schroedel’s new book “Naming the Child: Hope-filled reflections on miscarriage, still birth and child loss offers heartfelt stories and suggestions for both mourning and remembering. I’m honored that Jenny included Simeon’s story in her book. She handled our story with respect and care, as she does all the stories on her beautiful and helpful website.
At Surviving Baby there’s an excellent list of practical to “do’s and don’ts” in the post What to do When Her Baby Dies.
If you are on a journey through fertility Melissa Ford has a fantastic website, Stirrup Queens, and has recently published all her findings in her new book Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options.
If you need to follow the story of ‘someone like you’ I highly recommend the poetic Kate at Sweet Salty, who writes about the loss of one of her twin sons, and the joy of mothering the two boys who are still with her.
Also on my list of recommendations is Jennell Paris at the Paris Project who writes frankly and thoughtfully about the loss of her triplets and her journey through pregnancy and parenthood. Jennell’s article When Mother’s Day is Hard is especially timely.
5 comments
You know, I thought at first this post was about the complexities of being a motherhood, and how sometimes we feel, as mothers, as if we are not enough.
And that struck me as profound, because Mother’s Day can be so… conflicting sometimes.
And then I read the rest of your post and realized you were talking about something else, something that can be even harder to deal with. I was wondering also about those women who have been unable to conceive or have children at all. I know this day must be very hard for them, too.
Such an intense thing, this motherhood. Whether you have children, have lost children, or never had them at all.
My mom lost her momma when she was in her early 20′s. My mother has now lived ten years longer than her own mother and mother’s day continues to be a tricky one. I think these Hallmark holidays are just plain tricky. Today I took my momma out for yoga. Not because she needs to be celebrated more today than any other today, but because it was Sunday and no matter what the day is called- going to yoga was just a nice thing to do with my mom. It would have been just as nice yesterday and will be just as nice on Wednesday when we do it again…
Thanks for including my list on your site.
Thank you.
I completely understand losing a child. I have lost three. It is important to understand our incredible value as a human being, whether or not we have a child to mother. Thank you for your lovely and helpful post.
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