Needed: Advice on a Nine Year Old.
Mom and Cate on a happier day.
Cate just dumped the bowl of top ramen she was making for herself all over the kitchen. The hot water hurt, but didn’t seriously burn her hand.
People, I am here to admit that I could barely manage to be nice to her. It’s hard to be nice when the kitchen is covered in ramen and the child who spilt it has NOT STOPPED COMPLAINING about what she could and couldn’t have for snack since she got home from school 45 minutes ago!!
Okay parenting friends, I need some help. It’s time to admit that my nine year old is driving me up the wall. She pouts day and night. Slumps her shoulders when asked to do something. Complains about every small chore she is asked to do. Her biggest complaint? “When I am playing you ask me to do stuff.”
She is all resistance all the time. Nothing is “fair.” She doesn’t want to wake up for school. She doesn’t want to eat what I fix for breakfast. She cries if I tell her to pick up the pace a little (she has plenty of time, she just lollygags.)
But…the teachers report that at school she is all smiles. When friends are here she is very happy (unless she is asked to “press pause” on the play to do a small chore.) And when Mom is not around, say, when Dad is in charge? Perfect Behavior.
I miss the sunny, giggly child that used to spend time with me. I don’t want our relationship to be that of strife and strain. I feel sad about the distance that is building between us. I don’t like feeling that I don’t want to spend time with my child. And I’m worried about the deeper thing that is making her so unhappy and resistant.
Help! Is this a nine year old thing? Am I just getting “played” as the softie mom? Do I need to be more of a tough ass? When I don’t want to spend time with her and do extra-nice things with her, is the counter-intuitive answer to spend MORE time with her? Or is that just rewarding bad behavior?
I need the Giant Pool of Wisdom to help me out here folks. Give me your best advice for parenting a nine-year-old.
p.s. Cate gave me permission to ask for help from the blogosphere. Something the 11yo would never allow these days! :-)
20 comments
I have a 7 year old that sounds a lot like that. Hang in there momma.
you have just described my daughter. She is perfection at school, nothing but smiles and sweet words. At home with me, she is a bit sassy and moody. Although she is still at the stage that when friends are over she TRIES to exert her will on me (and is shot down).
If she lollygags, wake her up 15 minutes earlier, tell her you will keep doing it until she can be ready on time.
If she talks back, take away something that is fun for her, start with a day and build it up.
She is testing her limits (and as my Mom tells me all the time) kids NEED limits, they want to have limits. They are better when they have a cerrtain amount of self reliance taken away.
And don’t forget, Mom becomes her first copetition in the world of woman. I was just thinking last night how horrible I was to my own Mom, but she is my best friend now.
Chin up, this too shall pass :)
My son (who is eight) goes through phases of pushing against every single thing I do or say to him. I think it’s growing pains. Your daughter is acting out with you because you are the dearest safest person she knows. (Didn’t you’all just do a bunch of traveling and with the start of school, maybe she’s just on “change overload.”)
Mine just turned 10 and she is 3rd of 4 kids which really bothers her. She knows every one of my buttons and gets great joy out of pushing them, regularly. I can understand your frustration. I finally HAD.IT.WITH.HER and asked her where my sweet girl went. The one who used to live here and shows up only at school. That brought her up short. She crawled on the couch, we had a very honest conversation and it’s been great ever since. I gave her a set of expectations and she is in the process of living up to them. I do err on the side of strict, with all of my kids, but I’m consistent – no mixed messages. And, I’m not afraid to apologise when I step out of line, but my expectation is that they will return that respect. My eye is on the prize: raising adults – it’s tough. Good luck!
We had a heart to heart yesterday and she said “I don’t know WHAT is wrong with me. Every day I think ‘I will behave well today.’ and then I JUST DON’T and I get in trouble.”
That bit about me being safe is helpful.
Man, I wish alcohol didn’t give me migraines. :-)
Rachelle, I am SO sorry! We go through phases like that at my house (and my girls are the same ages as yours), so I know how stressful and sad and pissy it feels.
I wish there was a blanket bit of advice that worked with all 9 year old girls, but I’m afraid it has a lot to do with their individual personality and the sibling dynamics. Have you read any of the Love Language books? I know they seem cheesy, but I really believe in the concept. Jason and I have spent time talking about what each of the girls’ main love languages are. If it’s quality time for your daughter, then yes, you might want to spend more time with her without getting soft on the things you need her to do. If it’s “gifts,” you could write her little notes or leave a small treat somewhere for her to find. (I posted a summary of the love languages a while back: http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/?p=339)
Another thing I’ve tried to do is focus on the whole family as a team–how we all have things we need to get better about, etc. Take the focus off of her a bit but still get your message across. Sadly, my 9 YO always becomes much better behaved and more responsible when her older sister starts acting up and I turn my frustration toward her. They are very aware of broader family dynamics.
Grace and peace to you, my friend.
Hey, girlfriend, I’m right there with you. Nine is the new thirteen! Seriously, I have many of these same issues with Eugie. I have all kinds of theories…who know which ones are rooted in reality?! But, I think a lot of it is the pressure/stress of growing up, and the fact that our kids need an outlet, and they take it out on the safest person (mom) and/or people (dad, siblings). When I ask Eug to do any little thing that cuts into her playtime (which she thinks should be every minute between the bus and bed), she’s furious. But I really do believe that behind the fury is fear. Fear of growing up, of having to be responsible, of not being in the middle of things with her friends, of being left out or forgotten…etc.
We’ve had the talks about what’s an acceptable (and what’s not an acceptable) way to treat her mom, about her being a member of this family/community and needing to contribute to the workload, about it being my job to help her become her best self, etc. What seems to work best is talking about this stuff when there’s no power struggle going on. (I know you know this already…) The more we talk about it outside of conflict, the better it goes. But it’s hard to talk about it so much! I told someone the other day, “This purposeful parenting is a pain in the ass!” It’s just so time consuming!
I’ve thought about getting E up 10 minutes early every day, so we can have a snuggle and just talk about how we want to relate that day, what we want it to look like, how we’re going to treat each other (because I’m not always MY best self these days, either…!), etc., but I haven’t tried it yet. Will let you know the result if I do.
I heard an interview with a hostage negotiator (or something like that) on NPR one day, and he said something like, “My job is always to defuse the power struggle.” I keep telling myself that about Eugenia, though it’s HARD, because I think, “Is it too much to ask that sometimes she just DO what she’s told?!” But of course behind all her inconvenient behavior are her own fears of losing herself, etc., all driven by hormones, even this early…
All that to say, you’re not alone, and I don’t think there are any answers, but I do think what you’re talking about is normal in families where parents try not to be the dictator(s)-in-charge, as convenient (in a strange way) as that might be at times…
Thinking of you and loving you!
Shari
Hi Rachelle,
I don’t have any tips right off the top of my head, but just wanted to let you know that you could be describing my 9 year old daughter. So hoping that it is a phase that we will get through!
Sandy
My now 15 year old was like that a lot when he was that age. Here’s what I learned. He spent the whole day “being good” and bottling up things when they went wrong for the sake of “staying cool” at school. When he came home, I was the soft place to land. That’s when he lost it. It helped a lot to remember that I was the safe zone. Kind of the way I feel about my hubs… some days, I just need to unload on him… not have him try to fix it, or make things better. Just let me let it out, get it off my chest, and be there.
I also found that allowing for choices when I could helped a lot. Maybe giving your daughter a “choice”: I need you to put dishes away. Do you want to do it now, or in 5 min? That sort of thing. Seemed to cut down on the complaints here in our house. Giving power no matter how little it is, seems to help a lot.
Good luck!!
Rachelle –
I don’t have any experience as a parent, but as the daughter of a mother I frequently argued with growing up, I can sympathize with you and your daughter.
One thing that helped me was being given the chance to express myself without interruption. For me, that meant writing out what I wanted to say and then having my mother read it all the way through before starting a discussion. That might work for your daughter – or maybe she’s more verbal and would like the chance to talk aloud for 10-20 minutes without being interruption (as long as she’s not rude or inappropriate).
As a fellow youngest child, I think sometimes it really is about being heard.
(P.S. My teachers always had glowing things to say about me and my mom would always wonder why she never got to see that girl!)
If she’s making an attempt to behave, even if just in her head, then I think that’s a good thing.
Does she know what your expectations are? Have you told her EXACTLY that she needs to be out of bed at this time and out the door at that time? That if she doesn’t do the chores she’s assigned, then she loses certain privileges?
Choices are always good too. Sit down with her and create a list of chores that she’s capable of/willing to do. Then let her assign which chores she’ll do and when. If she does them all, let her have a treat, like more TV time (if you monitor that sort of thing) or maybe staying up later on the weekend. Maybe you could let her choose her breakfast the night before? Give her three or so options that you’re willing to make and let her choose one.
Hang in there!
Rachelle, hang in there, girl. As you know, nine-year-olds are going through that stage of life where they are catching the first glimpses of leaving childhood behind and getting very “tribal” (thus being sweetness and light with their peers and less so with their mamas). They are also starting to work through a lot of “what ifs” about being about to make it on their own if they had to, if they were orphaned, left behind, etc. (My Side of the Mountain, The Secret Garden, and other books about children doing things without adults are great for kids at this age). She might actually benefit from having MORE responsibility, not less – not from a punishment perspective, but from a you-are-capable-and-the-family-cannot-make-it-without-your-help perspective. Also, can you give her more autonomy in how/when the tasks are accomplished as long as she gets them done by a certain time? I always liked how that guy wrote the Love and Logic books would say, “I’ll meet you at the dinner table once such-and-such is done.” Maybe breakfast is the culmination of Cate’s morning routine, so that if she isn’t dressed and ready she doesn’t eat? It would probably only take once… Of course, then the parent has to be genuinely sorry that the child wound up in that predicament (which was the child’s own fault, of course) – and sometimes it’s hard to be authentic when you’re saying “I’m so sorry you had trouble getting downstairs to breakfast on time. I bet tomorrow will better”! Good luck, and I second the person who said that Cate is saving up her sturm und drang for you, because she knows that’s a safe place to dump it.
My son was sort of poopy from about age 9-11. He just wasn’t his normal happy smiley-guy self. He grew out of it.
Hang in there!
Ah…another similar experience here. My 10 year old son will listen to me ask him to back off of his brother and say OK then repeat his annoying behaviour. Or he’ll laugh when I talk to him about his behaviour. And he argues back and always has to have the last word (which I seem to need to have too!!).
I’ve found, like another commenter said, that he’s stressed at school and is affected by that. I’ve found that many, many deep breaths help a little. And one on one time really, really works well. I also make time for little treats like a small pack of candy type snacks in the lunchbag or an ice cream after school, which my son loves.
Hang in there. You’re not alone :)
hugs,
Karen
When my oldest son was around that age, he was a master of passive agressive. No matter how we tried to redirect his behaviour (i.e. brush his teeth, really have a shower, and not just wet the towel, stop wearing his pjs under his school uniform) he just seemed to let it all slide down his back. When we started to take stuff away from him, you know, as a punishment. he shrugged and said, “Mum, it doesn’t matter if you take all my toys away, I’ll still find a way to amuse myself.” Now, whaddya do with such an adaptable, mercurial child such as that?
Well, my advice is to find out why she’s behaving like this with you … I mean, it seems like specifically-targetted behaviour. I’m not big on removing privileges or yelling, etc. If you get into a battle of wills with a little girl, you will surely lose. Calmly enforce consequences ~ she spills it, she cleans it up … if she doesn’t do it properly, send her back as many times as is required to do the job properly. Chores and school work before play … simple as that. Simple, common sense things, no anger, frustration, raised voices.
The best way to change another’s behaviour is to change your response to said behaviour.
These are the best times of motherhood …
Hello Rachelle!
I’ve been following your blog for years and this is my first comment. I’m not a Mom. But I did spend the vast majority of my first thirteen years of life in a “foreign” country. Developmental stages will obviously frame how young people experience transitions. Cate’s desire to “please” in a school setting or in public spaces does not surprise me at all. As an adult, I found Third Culture Kid resources to be of great help as I navigated identity issues. Check them out, they may resonate a bit for your daughters even at this stage of life.
All the best to you and your family!
My daughter turned 9 yesterday. I had the hardest time with her when she was 6-7 because she would get so emotionally overwhelmed that she couldn’t think straight or even talk about why she was upset. It did help her to write it out, but mostly I just had her go to her room until she could calm down. Now she does that herself — she’ll write about her feelings or “send herself” to her room. I think teaching kids to self-soothe is so important — a skill that will serve them well in all relationships and situations.
A lot of wisdom has already been shared, and I agree that a lot of it is probably about being good for others and allowing herself to be more “real” with you. She’s working out the transition from being a little kids that could play all day to a kid who will be expected to contribute more. All those kind of transitions are difficult because you’re losing freedom while gaining responsibility. It makes sense that there would be some resistance to that.
As long as she knows you love her, I trust you guys will work it out.
never easy dealing with this temperment- I have a 17 y/o, 12 y/o and now 5 y/o girl- my boys didn’t seem to experience this stage- my older two girls have been through this already and the 5 year old is arriving full throttle at this stage- my approach- not to over think it- you know what behavior is appropriate and what is not- as parents we have an obligation and the awesome opportunity to shape our little people- autonomous, strong women is what we want in the end- my job right now is not to be a friend to my children (that time will come at a more appropriate age) but to be the guide on the side- directing, focusing, and living what I expect of them. Tough love is love all the same- I opt to ignore a lot of behaviors at this point- refusing to award it with either positive or negative attention- for the behavior I cannot ignore, I offer a choice “you can either shake off this attitude that has got a grip on you, or if you just need to be this grumpy, I am going to need for you to be grumpy in your room” sometimes she shakes it, other times she opts to go to her room and ride it out- I refuse to question my mothering gut- nor do I let myself feel guilt over expecting civilized behavior from my child who is having a moment- the world will never tolerate behaviors from people who never learned to deal with disappointment & frustration and I am the one person who loves my child enough to teach her this- the world will not teach this lesson as loving and gently as I will- just some thoughts from a veteran- as a side note- my 17 year old has grown into the most amazing women- in high demand with friends and family to babysit- looking at various scholarships to complete her college education, confident in herself beyond anything I was at her age- I’d like ot think that teaching her some of these tough lessons has contributed to the amazing person she is today- good luck my friend :)
Amelia
I will open with the caveat that I am not a parent – just a loving aunt and long running sunday school teacher of pre-teens. Two different things came to mind as I read the issues you all are having.
First, you are mom, and there is that innate drive to separate as we mature. It’s biology and that’s a powerful thing. She may not even want to, but maturity demands some of it, and perhaps this is a growing season, much like their physical growth spurts.
But what really resounded to me was her reaction to being asked to do something unexpected when she is otherwise occupied, paired with the miss sunshine at school but not at home. I’m 43, and it has taken almost that many years for my mother and I to figure out how to deal with this very issue! I moved back in with her 13 years ago when she was widowed, and we have had to learn to live together as adults.
I am an introvert, a closet introvert. If you asked anyone in my worklife, they would swear I was an extrovert in the highest possible degree. Even my own brother insists on it. But I am not – people make me tired. Dealing with people makes me tired. I can do it, and do it well, but there is a limit. At work, I am ON. I stay ON only as long as absolutely necessary. During my drive home, I turn OFF.
When I would get home to be greeted by the news alert that we had a nephew’s baseball game or a neice’s recital that her parents had neglected to mention until that afternoon, I would go, but in such a mood! And I couldn’t seem to shift my mood either, even though it was my choice to attend or not. Mom has learned that as soon as she hears of a change of evening schedule, she calls me. I may not be thrilled, but a couple hours to adjust my expectations allows me to shift and stay ON, knowing when I will be able to relax later.
Maybe your daughter is experiencing this same exhaustion after school, and you are indeed safe enough for her to be her real self with you, to let you know how exasperated she truly is, when at school she would stuff it and smile. In one way, that is a great compliment, and tremendously healthy. But it might help her to know ahead of time what “duties” will be expected of her after school. Sure, things will sometimes come up and be unavoidable, and she will just have to deal. I do. But anything you can do to soften that blow, help her learn how to manage that ON and OFF time might be the greatest gift you could give her. Wish I had realized what was going on that young!
Thank you all, for this amazing advice and commiseration.
After reading all of these, I hung out with Catie while she played Barbies. I told her a couple of your ideas about what might be in there, underneath the ornery behavior. She seemed triumphant that it was not ALL her fault, and that she really was trying and struggling against unseen forces. The introverted bit really struck home with her — the idea that she might be maxed out from school and need more introversion time than her sunny, friendly behavior might attest to. So we are working with giving her some uninterupted down time — either with mom and a picture book, or on her own with her toys.
I think it’s so cool that Cate knows my tribe is on-line and is will to let me blog for advice — and even more awesome that ya’ll immediatly come to my (and each other’s) aid. Here’s to the Giant Pool of Wisdom! Hurrah soulsisters!
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