Jen Payne: Five Signs That it’s Time to Call a Therapist
“Therapy offers the gift of a safe place to wonder about yourself, in ways we don’t usually get the chance to, with someone who has put a lot of thought into the ways we struggle and try to find freedom, and who will hope on your behalf.”
- Jen Payne, Mental Health Counselor
I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself, your partner, your kids, and your art is to build a support team that can get you through. Sure, it would be nice to be self-sufficient superwoman. But most of us have deeply spazzy moments in which we need some help. I am the queen of distractions, gremlins, and other spazzy things. So I’m more than grateful to have this amazing woman on Team Moi. Meet Jen Payne, M.A., mental health counselor, and (thankfully) faithful soulsister to moi, Magpie Girl.
Jen has talked me down from many a proverbial cliff, held my hand through the rough spots, and made me laughed so hard I nearly fell off her couch. She’s here today to help you figure out if a therapist is the right kind of personnel to add to Team Toi. Jen, take it away….
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5 Signs That It’s Time to Call a Therapist
Those who know Rachelle know her love for and pursuit of wholeness. It’s a love of mine too, and one I am stumbling after through many different routes. Sometimes it can be a little tricky to know who to turn to and when. How do you know when it might be time for therapy?
Now, depending on where you grew up, where you live now, who your friends are and a host of other factors, you may or may not be carrying a bit of a stigma about seeing a therapist. If you are, you’re in good company. Or at least you’re in my company. I was still resisting seeing a therapist while deciding I wanted to be one. But I will never forget my first experience of having a therapist hold out hope for me in areas of my life where I felt very little of it. My hope for you is that those hurdles don’t keep you from doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, therapy or otherwise.
How do you know you’ve hit a season of life when a therapist might be helpful? Here are five possibilities.
1. You’re struggling with your relationships. Maybe you just broke up with the same kind of guy or gal you always date. Maybe your spouse or partner is driving you crazy but he or she isn’t quite ready to go to counseling with you. Perhaps your mother came to visit and you became the worst version of yourself. Again. Maybe you want to feel closer to those you love but you can tell that abusive relationship from the past is getting in your way. We came into the world in relationship with others, and they bring us our deepest joys and greatest sorrows.
2. Your coping skills lack a certain finesse. Maybe you find yourself finishing the bottle of wine at night instead of having just a glass. Maybe you’re starting to eat too much or too little. Or maybe the ways you cope used to work pretty well, but your life just got a lot more stressful and you’re feeling anxious more days than not, or wish you could stay in bed all day.
3. Someone important to you thinks it might be a good idea. It can be really hard to hear from a loved one that they don’t think we’re doing so well, but as a wise person said to me recently, no one can see themselves perfectly on their own. We need our loved ones to be mirrors. It’s a gift really – they can see things we can’t see! If someone you love is nudging you to get some help, they might be on to something.
4. You’re grieving or transitioning. Maybe someone dear to you just died. Or perhaps they died years ago and you haven’t thought about it until recently when your friend’s mom died, and you find yourself crying at the drop of a hat. Maybe you moved to a new city or just had your first baby or finalized your divorce. Life is full of a myriad of changes and transitions and sometimes they rock us to the core.
5. You feel stuck. And maybe that’s as specific as you can get about it. In some way you can’t quite put your finger on, the life you’re leading is not the one you thought you’d lead. Or maybe the way in which you’re stuck is very clear, but you aren’t sure how to move forward. We all come to crossroads in our lives and may need some help navigating our next steps.
Perhaps you see yourself in one of these five areas, or maybe you could add numbers 6-10 to the list. (I would love to hear what they would be!) Therapy offers the gift of a safe place to wonder about yourself, in ways we don’t usually get the chance to, with someone who has put a lot of thought into the ways we struggle and try to find freedom, and who will hope on your behalf.
It might be that you’ve wanted to be in therapy for awhile now, but aren’t sure how to find a good therapist. If you would like help finding someone who is right for you, email me and we’ll talk. I have ideas for you, including questions you should ask a prospective therapist.
Many blessings to you, dear ones. You are meant for good and beautiful things, I’m just sure of it.
If you’re lucky enough to live in the Seattle area, Jen Payne offers counseling at her private practice. Click here for more information. Thanks for being here!
8 comments
Where I live, going to therapy is considered a bit weird. No, that’s not quite right. Where I live, it’s like therapy isn’t considered at all – no one ever talks about it. But when I found myself calling off work and crying all day for no apparent reason a few years ago, I knew I needed help. Seeing a therapist was a relief: Finally I could let down my guard and stop pretending that everything was fine. Even most of my closest friends had no idea I’d been suffering from depression for many years. I was so good at faking it. Seeing a therapist helped me to stop faking it long enough to cope more effectively. What a blessing.
You know what this made me think about Jen? How important it is to get some professional support when you lose your tribe. If you move away from your family…or leave (or even think about leaving) the church….or when you finish graduate school… Those are all big transitions and therapy really helps.
Just for the sake of self-revelation (‘cuz sometimes that is helpful); I went to a therapist when my family hit a rough patch while I was in college, and again after my kids were born. (post partum, lots of old issues coming up, etc.) And I’ve recently worked with a life coach to help with some professional goals. We’ve also made strategic use of child psychologist when the kids went thru rough developmental stages. I’m a big fan!
I love the concept of Team Moi!!! My daughters and I have talked about the concept but not with such a wonderful name.
I am smiling as I think about sharing this with them :)
Great advice Jen. I hope that eventually, going to see a counselor or therapist will be just as stigma-free as going to see the dentist or the doctor. Our mental and spiritual wellness is key to a happy and fulfilling life.
I’ve seen several counselors and coaches in my life so far, and I can say that each experience was well worth it.
One thing I might add is that sometimes, it is good to go just for validation. In one particular situation (dealing with a tricky family situation), I felt good about the decisions I was making, but it was really helpful and encouraging to get the support from someone who could say that yes — I was on the right track. That particular counselor helped me stick to my healthy boundaries.
I agree about “Team Moi.” It’s much more suave than “my team of professionals” which is how I’ve referred to it. :)
Jenna, I totally get the stigma thing. I grew up in the Midwest and it’s strong there. Seattle has been so different that way! And refreshing. Maybe you will lead the way to a cultural shift in your neck of the woods. :)
Rachelle, yes, transitions are huge. I first started thinking about therapy when I got pregnant for the first time. The “loss” kind of transitions might come to mind more readily, but the “happy” transitions sometimes need even more attention because of how confusing it can be to feel non-happy feelings during a happy time…
Becky, I thought of the doctor/dentist thing too. Reminded me of my husband who said you should go to therapy just to grow as a person, even if you’re not in crisis. Approach it kind of like preventative care. And yes, yes, yes about the validation piece!
Let’s see… since June, 2008: end of long term relationship, moved out of state, lost mother to cancer, out of work since Oct. 2008, have to put family pet to sleep this week, losing father to cancer (not expected to make it through September).
yeah, I could use a little therapy. Once things settle down I’ll look into it.
Ardent Thread, wow. That’s so much. Too much really… I had the thought of, why wait? Of course I don’t know your circumstances, particularly in the financial realm with your work reality… I hope you find someone who will care for you well when the time is right for you.
I think this is a lovely post,..’and who will hope on your behalf.’
I think that’s why most seek therapy. If we can find but one sacred individual who will thoroughly listen ‘to the us behind the voice’ and then connect with us on that level, sometimes that is enough. Therapy can be such a gift.. ;)
I’m also on the path of wholeness, and it is challenging, while so very rewarding!
Transitions are never easy, and dealing with grief, or repressed feelings due to circumstances where you had no other choice but to be strong, makes it hard for the cleansing.. it takes time! be soft on yourself during this time …
blessings to you! ~Jen
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