How to Build a Soultribe, Part Four: Just Add People

Okay loves, you’ve made some space, you’ve written your mantra to evoke a mood, and maybe you’ve even unpacked a few things so your new Soultribe can move in. Now comes the part that is both difficult and glorious: just add people.

People are messy. I’m sure you know this. Each one of us is a complicate package of pros and cons. I always say that I love people for their quirks, and I sure hope people love me for mine – ‘cuz lord knows I’ve got enough of them! But eventually, in spite of the quirkiness,  you have to add some complicated souls to the mix. (Unless you want to continue being a tribe of one. You don’t do you? No, I didn’t think so.)

So here’s what I know right now about adding the people:

It’s okay to be exclusive.
I know there are theories out there about how small groups should be Open Door, especially groups that are kind of religious-y and have high minded values about inclusion and equity. But when you are getting started, sometimes you need to be a little bit selective. My theory is: Build your base, and then your base can support the odd balls-those people you know and love but who take a lot of energy.

Now, there are exceptions to this suggestion. Maybe you are the kind of person who thrives on chaos. Maybe you work the night shift in a mental ward, or you regularly move troubled teenagers into your home. If this is you, then by all means, throw the doors open wide. Folks need a place to land, and it sounds like your couch might be the perfect place. But if you are not that person, be honest with yourself about that and keep your invite list a little bit small for now. It’s okay to be honest about what you need.

Build your dream team.
Remember your mantra? That’s your dream for your tribe. Now go back to that and make a list of people-you-know who evoke that feeling for you. This may take days or even weeks to emerge.

I’ll tell you a little secret. I’m planning a Soulsisters Retreat this summer. I only have nine beds for the retreat, so I have to write a small invite list. This feels dicey because I’ve been blessed with an enormous on-line tribe and could easily fill three times that many spaces. My normal mode of operation would be to post something on the blog and say “come one, come all.” But I know how frail I’ve been lately – emotionally and physically – and I know I need my most nourishing, gentle, and inspiring souls around me. So I started a list and over many weeks-months even-I’ve added and gleaned, and added and gleaned some more, until I got a little collection of people whose way of walking in this world met up with the dream I had cast for the retreat.

This is what you need to do now-even if, and maybe especially if your Gremlins are screaming at you that you are Not Being Fair. Give them a gin and tonic and tell them to relax. Then make the list that matches your mantra.

Start temporary.
There is nothing more intimidating than being invited to something that has a three- year commitment. I know you want intimacy and depth in your Soultribe, I know. But you cannot mandate that by making people sign something in blood. So start small: one dinner, three weeks of discussing articles around a certain theme, an art project that might take a couple Saturdays.

Use this temporary time to see how people are fitting together, to notice the gaps where a few more personalities could fit in, and to listen to your own self about how things are going. Start with a low-key, laid-back standard. You can always up the intensity and the commitment level later, if that’s what your tribe tells you it needs. For now just play, feel things out, and let your gut tell you what you already know.

Let people lurk.
There are ice breakers and get-to-know-you-games, and if you like those by all means go right ahead. I’m sure there is a youth group leader or sorority president amongst us who will give you ideas about what you could do in that arena. But if playing Personality Bingo is not your cup of tea, I recommend lurking.  

Once you’ve gathered your Soultribe newbies, ask them to ante up their blogs, Facebook addresses, Twitter user names, and Flickr accounts. Gather these up in an email and send them ’round. There’s nothing that takes the pressure off of getting to know somebody like not having to admit that you are doing so. Lurking is a baby-Soultribe’s best friend.

One last thing. Now, before I go, there is one word of warning that I would like to issue. Maybe it is just a rant, or maybe it is part of my own unpacking, but here it goes. I used to be a part of the church planting world, and in that world there is this terminology, “Scaffolding.” The theory is that when you are forming a new community, the first round of people who come are just the scaffolding. They are the people who will help prop things up until things really get going. Once the foundation is down and the walls are up, the scaffolding people are allowed to disappear-often with hurt feelings-and that’s considered a fine amount of collateral damage.

I would like to blow the bullshit bullhorn on this one. There are seasons of belonging yes, and people will come and go from a church, or a community, or a Soultribe. But that is different than treating people as scaffolding. People are precious souls, not scrap wood. So please, if you’ve grown up with this theory, let it go. Your first invite list won’t be your last, but those folks on the first list are far more than just ends to a mean. Don’t put someone on there if you just need them to bring in other interesting folks, or you have some needful but exhausting task for them to do. Examine you motivations, and make sure the souls on your tribal roster are the ones that match your mantras – not the ones who can get you to the ones who match your mantra. (Does that make sense?)

Okay Soulsiblings, that’s all I’ve got for now. I know I’m skipping over stuff. Like, how do you gather people if you don’t know anyone to put on the list? Or what do you do if you invite someone and then rapidly realize they are going to be a crazy maker? Or what is the perfect size for a tribe? I’m sure you all have questions, and ideas about these sorts of things. So if you have any experiencing with the gathering bit, do tell!  And if you have thought provoking questions, please put them in the comments. We are each other’s giant pool of wisdom for this charming journey. There ain’t no place to go but together.  Amen? Amen.

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Posted in Soulcare
Tags: Soulcare, Soultribes |