Chronic Pain Schizophrenia (or maybe it’s just me)
Gentle readers,
Here is the problem I am having. Whiplash. Schizophrenia. Wild facilitation of perceived reality.
Am I a lucky lady of leisure with time to write, and bake and make art? Or am I an isolated pampered middle class white woman with no purpose in life? Am I blessed with dear souls who love and appreciate me? Or am I alone in the middle of a city so teaming with people I can hardly bare the noise at the grocery store? Am I a productive writer with lots of material and a cache of faithful readers? Or am I an unfocused flake who can’t produce a piece of finished work? Am I a healthy, curvy hot mama who feels pretty damn good about herself at nearly 40? Or someone with a broken down body who’s in pain more often than not and who can’t figure out what to eat to save her soul?
I don’t know how to live in this facilitating world, in this inconsistency. Is stability possible? Preferable? Can one feel like a stable person for more than two hours at a time? Can one feel sturdy, reliable, consistent for a week? Is there some way not to feel like a crazy person over the span of 30 days? How, tell me how. I’d like to know.
16 comments
You sound like such a writer :)
To borrow from something Lucy has been talking about (http://diamondsintheskywithlucy.blogspot.com/), does it have to be only “or”, can it be “and”? Can you be ‘blessed with dear souls who love and appreciate you AND be along in the middle of a city…’ etc? Isn’t the whole of your experience what makes you you, whether that’s emotional experience or physical etc? I do wonder if you would be as good a writer if your life contained more consistency.
The one phrase that really jarred is ‘no purpose in life’. Is there any way you can get that out of your head? From everything you write it’s so patently untrue!
Holy cow, have you read my post called What is your story? because that is exactly what I am experiencing too. I am trying to focus on the happy story, the enchanted perspective and let go of the mundane. The more I do, the more fantastical life gets.
I think you’re a beautiful Goddess who lives an amazing life with freedom and beauty.
P.S. I’m sorry if the link code didn’t turn out, LOL
Hi Magpie Girl,
Thank you for sharing your life. I always love reading your words and seeing the world through your lens.
I really don’t know if this will help because everyone’s health is so different… but I think i understand the feelings you’re describing, Most of my life I’ve been so even-keeled and then i went through a spell where i felt like what you’re describing. And…it ended up being that the problem was food allergies. Ok, it was really more than that. It was also that i bit off more that i could chew (busy busy!) and then my body stopped being able to digest food which leads to all sorts of other health isses with fatigue, etc. etc,. My mom, a nurse, always likes to say “keep it simple” and asks: did you sleep? did you eat (well)?
Best wishes!
Your fan,
Quel
Dear Rachelle, Last year after a migraine (CPM) that had me hospitalised for a few days, and then off work for several weeks, I did the big diet thing. For me, eliminating all dairy food and alcohol did the trick, combined with a programme of sleep hygiene, stress control (tricky when you have a kid with special needs) and work/life separation. I can stay on top of it if those things are kept in balance, aided by an excellent drug when I get close to the edge.
I put off doing this radical thing for a long time because it sounded so completely impossible. I’m so happy to discover that even for the ditsy, artsy, spontaneous type, it really is doable and possible. Hoping very much that you find the combo that works for you.
And BTW, all artists/writers I know do that falling down a black hole thing. YOu are not alone, my friend!
Gentle Writer –
Yes. And.
xo Gentle Reader
Or are you in what I used to call “an existentialist funk?”
Come on, would you tell Eden that she was ONLY a happy child?
I think you should go re-read “The Secret Life of Bees.”
Which is not, by the way, to minimize your chronic pain. Just to say:
1. You have a right to your pain and non-pain and good and bad days
2. You get a kick out of the feminine Divine, and focusing on that often puts you in a better mood
3. See #1
Sending good vibes and a little care package your way – make sure I have your proper address!
In all seriousness, and with great sympathy for your situation, I would suggest some time alone, a “vision” quest if you will…… and I would also suggest some mild psychedelics, preferably the psilocybe.
I do not recommend these for recreational use, rather, for theraputic use. They helped me get into a place of mental health where I could once again function in society. And I have only taken them once; I am not a recreational user.
As a fellow 1969′er, I would believe the story that is most lovely and inspiring. Makes like a whole lot easier.
Rachelle,
i think it can be both/and. no advice. you are beautiful and hurting, strong and weak, amazing and broken …. love and peace to you …
I, too, tend to think of things from this “either … or” frame of mind, and know how splintered it can make you feel. I wish there were an easier answer than: You’re all of that, and so much more, besides. Sometimes, the more you think about it, the better it gets. And sometimes, the more you think about it the harder it gets. So follow your heart here, and see if which you need to do: let it go for a while or pay closer attention. Either way, just know that you’re making, as always, perfect sense to me.
From what I read in your blog, I think you are an amazingly wonderful woman! I think you have a great purpose in life, you are inspiring, a wonderful mother, and a Fab artist!! And, after all, don’t we all have those ache’s and pains? Im 27 and I certainly do! lol
Oh, how this all resonated so deeply with me.
I too am an ‘or’ girl longing to be an ‘and’.
I commend the courage and inner strength that you possess (yes, you do) to be able to come here and share something this personal, this frightening.
I do not belittle the ones who blog all sunshine and fluff, more power to them!
But the truths and complexities of this life are so much harder to share.
thank you… you have inspired me to be more truthful, and to open up just a wee bit wider today.
ps. you are so very much more than you perceive yourself to be…
xoxo
this rings true.
i know i’m late here, but, this post reminded me of a line from a Merwin poem…
If I could be consistent
even in desolation
the world would be revealed
keep surviving…
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