Cate is turning eight on Sunday and it shows.

Every year around her birthday, Cate pretty much freaks out. When she was 3 she was nicknamed ‘the ragemiester,’ and whenever she goes through stages of transition she reverts emotionally to the screaming stage.

Last week Cate was driving me crazy – screaming at her sister, giving up games and projects at the slightest road block, dragging her heals around her chores. Finally she came into the kitchen and saying: “Moa? Moa? Moaaaaaaah?”

My first impulse was to snap at her, but a little bell rang inside me and I got down at eye level instead. “What do you need Cate?” She looked at me with a surprised look, and then stared around kind of blankly. Finally she said, “I can’t remember…I…um…I think I just need some extra attention.”

I was pretty proud of her just then—sussing out her emotional needs like that. So we sat down on the floor and she cuddled up next to me and we talked about this and that for awhile. Eventually she said, “Moa. I don’t want to have a party for my birthday.” I was surprised to hear that, seeing as she had been making invitation lists for weeks.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because it will be so noisy. And there will be too much kids. And there has to be games and everyone has to get a prize and people are sad if they don’t get the prize they want and I get mad because I don’t even think they should get prizes and attention because it’s my birthday! (pause) And also, it’s a lot of Danish.”

Once again, pretty impressed. Instead of a party Catie decided to take her friend Elsa to a local amusement park for the day. She knew it meant less presents, but it didn’t seem to bother her, and there was ice cream in the deal, with sprinkles — or possibly a cotton candy as big as her head–so really, what more could you want?

Before I became a mother, I assumed kid-birthdays were fun. I remember mine as being really fun. Then again, I have a distinct memory of sobbing my head off at my sixth birthday because my grandfather cut the ear off the panda bear cake. (I’m not sure what I thought would happen to the cake, but I sure didn’t want that panda to get cut up.) I’d never really considered how frightening it can be to mover deeper into being a ‘big kid’ each year, or how overwhelming some kids might find the sugar-fueled celebrations. Ans as much as Moa isn’t ready for her little one to get so big so fast, maybe the little one isn’t all that ready either.

So here are some tips and tactics we’ve tried to help ease the transition into the next level of bigness. I hope some of them will help if your child has a hard time around birthdays.

-As the big day approaches (and for some time afterwards, perhaps) carve out some extra time to spend with your child one-one-one.

-Look through a photo album together and talk about fun things that happened in each age/stage of your child’s development. Assure them that there are good things around the corner.

-Be extra faithful to any comfort rituals you have already established with your child – bed time routines, read-a-loud habits, special suppers .(Friday is pizza night around here.) These familiar rites may be especially important during this time of transition. Try not to let the busyness of birthday plans push out the everyday anchor points.

-Limit family activities in the weeks surrounding the birthday. Don’t over tax the child with ‘fun’ events.

-Try to find out what kind of celebration would feel best to your child. (A big party with pals? A fun outing with one friend? A special date with mom, dad, or family?)

-Talk about presents in advance and try to set reasonable expectations. – Will there be any presents? ((A lot of the familys we are friends with only do a gift from mom and dad, not from friends, on birthdays.) Does the child expect one present or many? Do they want ‘outing’ presents (movie tickets, trips to the aquarium) or ‘things’ presents?

-If family members tend to send ‘birthday money,’ talk about how that can be used if there is a special present the child wants, but doesn’t received. Doing some advance work on this may help cushion any disappointment on the big day.

-If you do have a party remember this rule of thumb: “the age of the child plus one” is a good guideline for how many kids to invite. More than that is tough for a kid to handle.

-Remember that often, the most memorable things about childhood birthdays are the simplest traditions – the fact that the birthday kids got to pick out the evening meal, or that the family always sang their favorite song to them at dinner time.

What are your tips for helping your child through growing-up transitions and birthday excitement overkill?

Cross-posted with other Magpie Mama parenting advice at Minti.com.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 20th, 2008 at 2:50 pm and is filed under Advice Girl, Magpie Girl, Magpie Mama, Rachelle Mee-Chapman.
Tags: birthdays, children, parenting, transitions



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