Staving Off Depression with Rhythm
Practicing gratitude for things like this helps keep me where the light is.
Given that we’ve recently moved to a new nation, I’ve done very little public writing about our life in Denmark. There are sheets and sheets of morning pages in my spiral notebooks – mostly about displacement and how it’s triggering delayed mourning in me over a whole slew of lost things. Most of them I can’t bring into focus yet, but one or two are starting to get a little less hazy. Eventually I’ll be able to write about them here, but for now they are still percolating prior to public display.
One thing that has caught me off guard here is the level of depression I’m experiencing. In spite of the charm and adventure of living in Europe, depression is always waiting to find a nearby nesting place. Any of you who have been through a stint with depression knows how even one day of that old sorrowful feeling can make you fear sliping back into the abyss. I’m not overly concerned thus far. As long as the migraines stay relatively infrequent and the Spring unrolls into Summer, I should be okay. Keeping an eye out for my cycle buddy doesn’t hurt either. Still, there are days where there is crying, and phone calls to Jen, and where not even chocolate can help.
Staying present helps. I’m finding that living in the here and now is more helpful than slipping into a past I cannot reclaim, or spinning forward into a future over which I can only pretend to have control. But staying present does not come easily to me. My spirituality tends towards the prophetic which means I live a little less in the now and a bit more in the not yet. In addition, my works as a writer tips me towards the past to find connections between old stories, and casts me into the future looking for new inspiration. But the now, well, the now doesn’t come easily.
Having a rhythm for the day helps me stray present to the current moment. Every day that I deviate from my regular rhythms I find myself living in regret (I should have done X instead…) or being frozen by options (should I write? Bike? Clean the toilet?). Without routine my day too easily becomes a four-hour binge of Dexter, followed by a crabby afternoon where I try to write after the kids come home from school. (Never a good idea.) Last week, when I strayed from the routine, Jen had to spend the bulk of the day talking me out of the sobbing mess that once resembled Rachelle.
Right now the essentials to my daily rhythm include:
Walking through the college garden on my way home from dropping the kids at school. I’m finding that in this busy urban neighborhood I need the relative quiet of the park. Otherwise my tendency to get distracted by sparkly things goes on hyper drive and I can’t quite seem to calm my nervous system.
Writing my morning pages. This practice from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way are a mainstay for many artists and writers. My habit of penning three pages comes and goes as needed, and right now it’s quite needed. I write them every morning as soon as I get home from the school/garden. Now that it’s sunny I can write them on the bedroom balcony – any extra Vitamin D has to help the gloom as well.
Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Thank god for yogis on DVD. I have to have at least 45 minutes of Vinyasa everyday or I wobble about completely off center. I don’t think I even knew how to be present at all until I started doing yoga. I spent all of my time regretting the past or wondering about the future. But yoga keeps me focused on the current breath, the work of holding one pose and flowing into the next – at least for a few minutes.
Working on a regular schedule. After yoga I grab a shower and get to my desk. Sometimes I actually have to set the kitchen buzzer to make sure I show up at the page on a regular schedule. When I first came to Denmark I tried to write 4-5 hours a day, but right now I’m finding that even 2 or 3 hours is a good day’s work for me – at least when it comes to working on a manuscript. Then I log another couple of hours answering emails and typing up blog posts. Then my alone-time is up, and it’s time to leaving once again to fill my bike basket up with the days groceries, then peddle to the school and pick up the kids.
Without this routine, this rhythm to my day, I’d be a) a basket case, b)completely unproductive.
What staves off your depression? and/or What helps you stay productive as a writer/artist?
Entries
May 13th, 2008 at 9:17 am
i stumbled upon your site from i don’t know where and the moment i saw your reference to staving off depression i stopped in my tracks and read through the post…. i don’t generally post on my blog about my difficulties with this lifelong malady. i have considered writing something of late though since it has interfered with the creative outlet that keeping a blog has given me. you ask about staving off depression… but of how to accomplish that elusive act i cannot say much since mostly i pray and carry on as though it is not there. and that does work much of the time. i find it is better for me to starve than feed the beast. i do not live in a far off country nor does my sad state make sense to me. i do know that since the pattern of my days and cadence of life have become solely dependent upon my own choices it is very difficult to maintain a peaceful rhythm. i work for myself and set my own hours. a blessing yes, but it makes it difficult to find that ‘depression-staving-off’ routine. i thank you for bringing this topic to light. it is a comfort to hear of your own efforts and i wish you peace and wellness soon.
your friend, bird tweet robin from down the road
May 13th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Oh my goodness can I relate to this. When I lived in England for a year, I spent so much time trying to figure out why I was so sad when I was living the adventure of my lifetime. That was before I figured out that I truly had a problem with depression.
Now, 10 years later, it’s only been about a year since my near-constant depression lifted. And now that I know, I fight off panic every time one of those dark days rolls around, terrified that I’m plunging back into the abyss. For months I’ve been trying to implement more structure in my life, wondering if it might help me to be more emotionally grounded and productive. As a work-at-home freelance writer without kids whose husband works a crazy retail sales schedule, my days have no common rhythm, and I think I’m worse off for it in some ways.
Thanks for the reminder to recommit to creating some structure in my life to keep me from spinning off into the ether.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Ah, Rachelle, a post for my frightened and worried heart today! As I walk my tight-rope, trying to balance all that is my life, and fearing the return dark of my depression, I’m beginning to honor my need to ask for help, and give myself permission to do so. As I’m journeying very near the end of my 3rd and last pregnancy, I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to need help. First I battled asking for support from my pastor, know I’m battling the actual placing of the phone call I need to make to a potential new provider. But rather than beating myself up for not already making the call that part of me says I should have placed a month ago, I’m honoring my process, my time. That’s different from my last round with the dark beast of depression. I know what I need, I know I’ll be okay, and I know how to get what I need. That’s staving off the overwhelming breathlessness, and empowering the princess in me that can hold onto all things sparkly and pretty, even while the murky quagmire looms so close. And, like you, structure holds me level. Having a M-F day job schedule that allows me time between home and work, and real family time has been a blessing I never imagined having such an impact.
Thanks for your words of reminder for me as well!!! Be gentle with yourself! And know that you have sisters (and brothers) stateside who will hold you in the Net of Light this day! –Karla
May 13th, 2008 at 11:30 am
ahh, so many of us know these feelings well, itmately, we know the inner linings of depression. A few things that help/helped me alot. Time outside, particularly in the sunshine, I moved to Phoenix AZ for reason! Taking vitamen D suppliments, taking a good well rounded B suppliments and increasing when needed (think cycle). Connecting with people in your immediate now, find someone to talk to there, a group you can go to, a non-profit, a church, a school thing, whatever fits you but something with other people, and were you are needed, maybe even just visiting a neighbor or a nursing home, reading to someone without anyone. Feeding someone else, helping someone else, has always fullfilled me somehow to. Routine, and Food are also top on the list of affecting me, on of the reasons for me weekend are always difficult, because they are different, free of having to get up go to work etc…I wake up late, skip meals, have no plan and it leaves me a reck. Finding several e-mail buddies would help too, if you can’t find a group there, just to share the daily stuff with, my blog helped me a lot many years ago. Takecare of you self and e-mail anytime!
May 13th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Yes, yes and YES!
I’ve been feeling the same doldrums - L.A. was eerily overcast and chilly this last week. For someone who already tends towards melancholic, seeing the sun break for the first time this morning was a boost of joy.
I need movement, exercise, the outdoors and social connection to stave off depression - unfortunately not so many friends for me in this city and though I live with my best friend I barely see her b/c our work schedules are opposites.
My question to you (and any others who do Morning Pages): Do you do MPs regularly, no matter what? And how do you commit to that?
I am a night owl and if I have to rise before noon I never get the pages done. As a child I was a bedtime diarist - perhaps I need to return to that…?
May 14th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Oh yeah!! Routine is definitely my sanity. I honestly believe that my depression started to give when I went through the motions instead of sitting around tired, trying to catch up on sleep every minute of the day and rest. Not good for me. The living in the now, also important. But SO hard. Reading upbeat books also helps me. But I have to force myself to live in the book. Read and feel each word. If I’m in a state, I can read through a whole chapter and have no clue what I read. I’ll worry my way through the whole entire thing. So for me, it’s a good practice of living in the now. Focusing on the book I’m reading. Gratitude. Also hard, but totally effective for me. At the bottom of my depression I began a notebook, and filled it with list after list of all the little things that I usually don’t notice, that I’m thankful for. Really good exercise in beating my anxiety. Doing my examen (as described in a book by Linn .. don’t remember their first names … Matthew + _____ + ______. The book is called Sleeping With Bread). So good for me.
Love Karla’s post too. Really wise stuff. I found myself nodding through the whole thing.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:35 am
i’m hugging you. and hugging you and squeezing you hands some more…..
this post is huge. and meaningful. and needed. and instructional. and supportive. and hugs anyone back who’s right there or been there. i was JUST beginning a similar post…trying to leave to go help my sis do a move and get out of an icky relationship…and my so called routine is all off…but into the bag went my writing journal…went my julia cameron’s ‘right to write’ and went my copies of another inspiring texts i’m reading right now: tolle’s a new earth and mary baker eddy’s ’science and health’…where are you in denmark..i have a friend i could refer you to..she’d be like a mom :)
to you…anyhoo….what works for me: guarding the moment, the hour as if it’s the most important part of my day. whatever i designate it for….keeping some what regualar patterns regardless of sleep (i’m up really late these days doing chats with folks so i’m sleeping in more than i’d want but there’s still a rhythm)….also i take out not just a one time stint with yoga…(i dont do yoga) but sometimes each hour i find myself centering for 5 minutes. just to calm the squirming thoughts, the ones that wanna wiggle here/there and take me to the land of the lonelies. anyhoo. back to my post now….but i had to comment here. hugs ….the world is thought….just keeping yours filled with love and joy unites you with like thinkers b/c thought breaks down borders and spans the oceans. tender hugs and friendship, tre ;)
May 15th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Rachelle, I hope the things you write about really are as helpful as you say and you are successfully staving off the darkness. It is so hard. I hope things lighten up in all aspects for ya.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Hey Rachelle, Here’s an idea for you, something simple, but if it doesn’t sound helpful, forget about it promptly:
I haven’t seen much poetry from you, but obviously you like words and you also like collage. How about trying poetry to observe the moment? Even just writing down single words about what you see around you can turn into writing words about what you get from the moment through other senses and that can lead to small thoughts or short sentences… whatever, it leads to, it’s like a word collage. Simple poetry play to tether you to the moment. Maybe?
I’m sorry to hear about the depression. Yuck.
(Yes, I will be sending you a response in our convo soon!)
Hello to your family!
May 15th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry! I wish I were there to make you some hot chocolate and give you a hug. I miss you and I am wishing you well. I think about you all every day.
May 15th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
P.S. Saw Souren the other day and told him I would tell you “Hi!” for him.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Rachelle,
Routine really helps me. Since I’ve been home from S. Africa my schedule from one week to the next is different. My school load varies noticeably and my work schedule is not consistent. And this all makes me feel on edge. I don’t make plans with people because I don’t know if i’ll be able to follow through. I’m erratic. Busy but lonely. And bored.
So I’ve made up a mini-routine for each thing that comes up. When i have school work, I work 45 minutes and take a 15 minute break. Repeat until finished. When I have free time, I try to take at least 5 minutes to sit and space off and breathe…and by then I ususally know how I really want to spend my free time. OH! and lists. I make lots and lots of lists. This week there were a couple days of feeling like I might not get everything I needed to do, done. It felt terrible. I panicked. So I wrote out a very detailed schedule of what I needed to do and designated a time to do it. It felt so great when i was finished. I don’t actually have a great short term memory so having to do a lot of small details in a week is incredibly difficult for me-the list helped me focus on the now because there was time for the rest later.
More than a handful of times, in the midst of a time of low-grade depression a good book has helped more than I can describe. The year I moved to Florida, it was “The Poisonwood Bible”. It’s not only that books are entertaining to me, but when I’m feeling empty and apathetic they help me recreate a safe space for creativity. Like some babystep transferrence of hope.
I miss you often. Sorry you’re having a hard time and that you’re having to grieve loss.
I think you are lovely and beautiful.
-Mis
May 17th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I relate with you so, so much, Rachelle, especially for a stranger.
I have terrible seasonal depression, so during the winter months, it’s all I can do to simply survive, to keep on going. Sometimes I pretty much don’t. My secret is to reach out to other people. When I’m having a bad day, I bake cookies for friends, or buy doughnuts for my workplace, or write someone a kind note. I send love letters to myself. I say to myself “You are beautiful and kind, and your heart is so, so good.” I try to do the dishes, or make my bed. I consider even the very small tasks I complete to be huge accomplishments. I give myself grace. I experience my feelings. I write voraciously. I try to understand why I feel the way I do, and deal with those feelings.
You bring me hope, hope that I will one day be as beautiful of a soul as you are, that I will express my spirituality in as unique of a way as you do, and that I will be as confident and beautiful a woman as you are. Perhaps I can bring hope to another young woman, a stranger though she may be, through my blog–as you have for me.
Be well and joyful.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:37 am
I’m late commenting on this post, but have been holding you in my heart and praying for that continuing rhythm we all need.
May 19th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Holding you in prayer as well. Just this weekend someone said to me (she is navigating through depression) “I see each day as a gift to be opened”
Much peace and love to you.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:10 am
hello all, and thank you for all the thoughtful and kind comments. Y’all are such a community of support — to me, and I hope, to each other.
There’s so much good stuff in here — reading to help keep us present, word collage, the handy nature of lists, and of course, the power of doing something as simple as taking 5 minutes to just breathe.
I’ve just returned from a week in England — thus the silence until now on the blog. But please know that even when I can’t reply to your kind comments right away, I am always thankful for your presence here.
May we all walk in much light today.
Yours in the Journey,
Rachelle
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:00 am
Hello Rachelle.
May you also walk in light today.
I’m so late with my response to this post, which I actually read just hours after you published it. It’s one of those posts where one wants to choose just the right words to communicate understanding and comfort and offer, if not a cure, some therapy to pull you back from the abyss. And when I’m trying to write a “perfect” response, I procrastinate. But that’s not helpful and it’s actually pretty self-centered….so, just know there is loving concern and empathy in this comment.
The “black dog” visits me now and again. Until you wrote this, I didn’t realize how important rhythm is to keep it under control if not completely away. Thank you. Some mornings it’s hard to start the rhythm, let alone get out of bed. But then I think of people who inspire me and bring me joy…and you are in that group. Truly.
Thank you to all the commenters, too, for their ideas.
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
I am late to responding, but I just had to, seeing as I recently moved, also and have been struggling with staying positive in the face of everything I want and do not have.
I think the most productive thing for me is to keep track of the happy moments in my life. On some days, this is easy, as I am right there in the moment, paying attention to the goodness that is there. On other days, it’s very very hard to find only three things to list. But writing them down keeps my mind focused on the positive, not the negative, and it also makes me notice the happiness more while I am in it, even if I forget to write it down later.
Also making me happier… writing, journaling, poetry, painting. Being creative in general. And yesterday, making a good chicken dinner got me out of my funk, and then eating it outside on a lovely evening.
Also, when I read over my old journals, it helps me gain perspective on where I am now. I remember that I have been here before, and I have come out. Low spots always come, but they always go away, too, and dawn always comes.