A Shrine for Hard Feelings
Cate was yelling at me. Again.
Every day it’s the same story. I pick Cate up from school and she happily shows me the new trick she can do on the peddle car; the stone she dug up in the sand pit; how many times she can hop the jump rope on one foot. We find Eden and start the ten minute walk home. By minute seven Cate is screaming about something. Anything.
We started with sympathy, then moved on to time outs, and I’m sure at some point there’s been some yelling on my part as well. Clearly Cate was struggling with the transition between school and home. Clearly she was angry. And clearly whatever she was yelling about was not what was really bothering her.
Finally, I sat her down at the kitchen table and got down at eye level. I addressed her very calmly and very seriously, “Cate. This isn’t working. You’re having trouble moving between being at school and being at home. I can see that you are angry, right?”
“Yes! I. AM. ANGRY!” (also crying)
“It’s totally okay to be angry. But screaming at Mommy is not okay, right?”
“RIGHT! OKAY? OKAY? RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!”
“Did you know anger is a cover-up emotion? It covers up some other emotion. Something else is hiding under there.”
“It is?” (now backing down to mere sniffles)
“Yes. And I need you to think about it and tell me what it is that’s hiding under there.”
With that, the floodgates broke open. She missed all the friends she left behind when we moved. She didn’t have any friends at school. And she missed BF Day (her old school.) And some of the kids said mean things. And she doesn’t know Danish yet. And her only friends who speak English live far, far away. And did she mention, she didn’t have any friends at school?
Well, I’d already addressed all of those things. We talked about how making friends was her superpower, but that it took time. I had reminded her that we had only been at the new school for 2 weeks. I had explained that it would take a little longer than usual because we don’t know Danish yet. But, I had assured her, friends would come.
Knowing I’d already said all of this, and having a not unsmall amount of parental wisdom, I did not go into this again. Instead I asked her a question of clarification, “Cate. Do you want Mommy to talk about all these problems with you, or do you just need someplace to put them all.”
“Like what place?”
“Like a shrine.”
“I could make a shrine?”
Sure could. I dove under my desk and came up with three or four odd little boxes and tins. Cate chose a tin that used to hold bandages – Jesus bandages to be exact. After asking for stickers, tape and some scratch paper, Cate went to work. Soon she had a bonafide Shrine for Hard Feelings. It consisted of the bandage tin, a sticker of a sacred heart Jesus, some fortune cookie sized strips of paper cello-taped to the side, and one of those tiny golf pencils. Cate wrote her hard feelings down on the pieces of paper and tucked them into the tin.
“If I put these in here, Jesus will make the sad feelings go away.” she said.
“Well,” I fine tuned, “Jesus might not make them go all the way away, but at least he can hold them for a little while.”
Cate has been faithfully using the Shrine for Hard Feelings for a week now. Sometimes she’ll start ramping up into a yell-fest, but then you can see her sort of visibly pull up, and she’ll say “Wait a minute,” and go find her shrine. I’ll see her scribbling away, then tucking the paper into the tin and snapping it shut. A few minutes later she’ll be back with me, or her sister, or her dad, and the steam will have been vented.
Sometimes I wonder what all my ad hoc spirituality is teaching my children. I’m trying my best — but so did my parents, and my church, and my religious school — and I sure ended up with a bunch of crap mixed in there with the goodies. If I make up random sacraments, if my children spend their lives building Shrines for Hard Feelings and hurling plates at Anger Altars, will they regret it? I am not sure. But this I believe; my attempts, though small and flawed and most assuredly open for misinterpretation, these humble attempts at caring for these precious souls will teach them these true things
Your feelings are real.
Someone loves you enough to help in hard times.
God is big enough to handle your anger.
There is a place for you.
That seems like a good place to start.
Cross-posted at BlogHer with links to other great blogs about children’s spirituality.
Entries
May 7th, 2008 at 5:06 am
This is absolutely fabulous! It touched the little child in my 40-year-old body who was never allowed to feel or express anger, simply being told to go to my room until I got over it.
Thank you for showing us this powerful example. Your children will be blessed by it. And it’s a good tool for us adults, too!
Peace,
Lisa
May 7th, 2008 at 5:33 am
What a beautiful story. I love the kindness here, and the creativity, and the way you’re empowering your girls to connect with holiness in their own ways.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:01 am
you never fail to amaze me with your creativity and compassion…i love this idea. i wish i’d had it as a child. i hope you’re still blogging when i become a mommy…i’m going to need your help.
thank you.
a
May 7th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Wonderful post.
I think we all grow up and question how our parents handled different aspects of our becoming, but I also think they will know you were doing the best you knew.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Amen to all the previous comments. I think your superpower is soulful, loving, wise parenting.
This is one of those “must print” posts that goes in my clippings file.
Thank you.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:08 am
What a wonderful idea! I think I may need to make one for myself before passing the idea down to my son.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Love this idea!!! Keep sharing them! I’ll let you know how it works with my girls. :)
You are a fabulous parent. I love coming to your blog for parenting wisdom … I’m still waiting for that book to get published. :)
May 7th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I love this idea, will keep it in mind for myself too :)
May 7th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
You’re Awesome.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
hey there…i just found your blog b/c i’m new on blogher and yet attended the conference in chicago last summer. love the piece…what a great idea to offer your daughter a place to put the feelings….teaching her bit by bit that those feelings can be put somewhere…anywhere…so as not to become too attached to them…you are surely teaching her that she doesn’t have to act on the negative stuff….which to me is an invaluable lesson, no matter how that lesson comes out. the photo is precious….a real tender touch….my blog is so new and i’m just learning so much w/ html stuff…i’m excited to learn flickr too…..really feel hugged by your posts….keep being so honest and real….it’s like a window on the heart of another who’s living her spirituality….hugs for this! tre ~
May 7th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
So glad to read this. Poor Catie…empowered Catie. I’m so proud of both of you. I definitely need a little shrine these last few days…on the verge of tears several times needing an outlet. Off I go to find a bandage tin…
May 8th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Lots of kudos to my parenting coaches, Jen Lemen and Wendy Chamberlain for talking me through the kid anger. Wendy’s daughter (7) threw her guitar at the mantlepiece last week after relocating from Thailand to Texas, so we are sailing similar waters…
May 8th, 2008 at 8:50 am
thank you sooo much for this post. its wonderful to know i’m not the only mom out there with these issues OR the only one that chooses to go down a not-so-charted path, always, in healing them. you’re a beautiful inspiration to us.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Thank you for sharing this real life nitty gritty moment that reveals how parenting can be a spiritual practice unto itself. Rather than reacting, you stayed in your heart and your authority and showed your daughte–and us al–how to navigate hard terrain, in the moment of navigating it yourself. Brava!!!
Thank you for showing how conscious parenting isn’t about being free of hard times but in growing tools our children can carry into adulthood.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
That’s brilliant! Incredibly inspired, and full of grace. What a great parent you are.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:01 am
You, Miss Sparkly Things, are a totally genius parent! In fact I might even think about a hard feelings shrine for myself. Wow!
May 11th, 2008 at 7:10 am
[...] is an intelligent and magnificent Mama. Check out this post, for example. In this week’s A Shrine for Hard Feelings, she describes her daughter’s difficulties in coping with their recent move from the USA to [...]
May 13th, 2008 at 11:39 am
this is totatlly the best idea I have heard of, maybe I even want to use one.
I remember school, I remember those days that without a language barrier I had NO friends, no one to talk to, no one to play with, no one who cared. It was horrible, loney and frustrating, that has shaped me the way I am today.
I wish I had the confidence that I have now, then, but I didn’t. Even now my confidence comes and goes but I know what I like, who I am (for the most part) and I am okay that I am not like everyone else. If I could I have just figured some of those things out then, of course in a much smaller way it would have been so good. You are doing such a wonderful job!
May 17th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I love this- I am definitely going to use this with my daughter… and myself.
Check out this sign someone put up in my town: http://nyjlm-365.blogspot.com/2008/05/5142008.html
May 17th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I want to thank you for posting this. I peek at your website from time to time…have to admit, I haven’t in quite a while, but felt compelled to just now. My 7 year old daughter is going through a really rough time. This has inspired me…I seriously think this is something that will touch her and help her. God bless you for sharing your journey and for taking the time to really know your child.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
This is absolutely fantastic.
(Here via thealmostroyal.wordpress.com)
November 1st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
[...] Catie jives with me pretty well because we are both kind of mystic. Eden used to be like that too, but as she’s gotten older she’s become more pragmatic and scientific. (She often says, “Mommy, you and Cate are for all that God stuff, but me and Souren are for science. Well…I’m for a little God, but mostly science.”) So, I try to give Eden soulcare that has to do with physical realities: taking time to rest, conscious breathing, making lists of emotions. While with Caite it’s morning prayers from a book; grace at dinner, and building shrines. [...]