i am one of those people who don’t regret NOT having sex with her high school sweetheart. it was an intense, spiritual relationship…yet looking back on it i am so greatful that my parents really helped me see the value in waiting to have sex…not because it was BAD, but because it can be so GOOD in a committed marriage relationship. i am so happy that the only memory of sex i have is with my husband. i am so happy that i can be completely vulnerable with my husband in sex and feel free…i can’t imagine sex being that way when I was 18 years old and still wondering what and who i was.

thanks for the post. we need to be talking about sex more! especially with our kids.

There is such great stuff in here folks. Obviously, this has struck a cord amgonst those in the faith community (or once of the faith community) and others. Let’s keep the discussion going!

I’m working on a post now in response to some common themes I see emerging in these comments, and another related to the Miley Cyrus ’scandal’ that’s going on. Hopefully both will be up in the next 2 days. I hope you will all return to continue contributing to the topic. Your input is so valuable.

If you want to get v. brief announcements about when posts are up on this site, you can follow me on Twitter. It’s free. Here’s the link: http://twitter.com/magpiegirl

I think that this business of celibacy and sex is also a Feminist issue. And it may sound old-fashioned, but I think that women are not adequately aware of the power and miracle and mystery that they hold in their bodies. The message that we get when we are girls is very, very confusing.

Our bodies bring forth life, continue the species. Somewhere, at a deep, deep level, we all know the power and mystery of sex and the female body. It’s not just a matter of building “relationships”.

If I had a daughter, I would want her to know how beautiful she was, and how she possessed in her body something incredibly sacred and noble. I would want her to honor that.

No, I would not teach her celibacy. But I would want her, first of all, to know that her sexuality was intimately connected to her soul, and that she should be aware that sexually relating with someone else has to do with God-relating and prayer.

I have just one thing to add ….

My message about sex was much like yours, growing up in the Catholic Church in the 1950’s. I think the emphasis on celibacy (and the “badness” of sex) was mostly for the girls. The nuns told us not to wear patent leather shoes because of the “occasion for sin” that it could present to the boys (reflecting up your skirt)!

Anyway, I was fully radicalized by the late 60’s and remember feeling wonderfully free when I lost my virginity (before marriage). A lot of the good feeling of the sex was shaking off all that nonsense!

What I want to add - and what I tried to teach my son - is the SACREDNESS of our bodies and the act of sex.

Sexual powerful. It reaches deep into our psyches and unconsciouses in ways that we have no control over. Just look at how screwed up children get when they are exposed to unwanted sex. Just look at how screwed up women can get when they use their bodies to feel loved.

I think that in addiction to teaching safe sex, we have to teach the sacredness of sex. Sex is a very powerful gift that can deeply and spiritually enrich a committed relationship. When used carelessly (or even liberally) it can be disaster.

with echoes of similar stories in my past, it made me laugh, got my attention and challenged me to think beyond the square

We clearly received nearly identical sexual educations (although I went to a public school, so at least we learned about condoms.) People meant well, (well, some people did. There were people in my life who didn’t.) but wow-everyone was trapped in a huge shame/guilt spiral. (And that’s the straight people. If you were gay, the shame factor was exponentially worse.) It takes a long time to work through all of that.

Should I ever have kids, I would want to make the same promises to them that you have to yours.

After growing up with so much doctrine, when I learn, I don’t want to learn from a list, from someone telling me “because I say God says so”, I want to learn from living! from what is inside me and how that fits into life and my relationship with God. In my past, church seemed to have the function of instilling fear of ourselves and the messiness of a life lived fully. I am discovering that God is in the mess, and it is a form of owning our humanness and trusting God to love us even in it. I am in the process of accepting myself where I am, unorthodox, skeptical and mostly self-centric and accepting that God loves me thus, and is more patient than I am to teach me Love. The most difficult thing is to be this honest in the face of well-meaning church people’s judgement, my own family included. Your blog often encourages me when I am fearful. Thanks Rachelle.

on a side note for the questions posed by Monica, my significant other has had several partners before me. I was shocked to discover this did not bother me like it was “supposed” to according to my upbringing. The trust we share is enough to take care of the issue.
A friend of mine has shared some issues with shame regarding how he used sex selfishly in past relationships. He was not taught about the value of sex and that love is an important ingredient. Over time with experience he figured this out and now of his own volition follows a belief in the sacredness of sex and the need for love and commitment to bind two people together first.