Why I’m Not Teaching My Kids Abstinence
This is an installment of “This I Believe…”, a series of posts focused around one topic. The first series is on Sexuality and Body Image.
What I Think About Kids & Abstinence
“Don’t you remember at church, when they told us it was better for us to come home in a pine box than to lose our chastity?”
-Sarah Henrickson (18) to her brother Ben (16)
Big Love
I grew up in the church. The conservative evangelical church to be exact. Sundays and Wednesdays were spent at the Lutheran Church, and Monday-Friday at the Assemblies of God private school (chapel three times a week, Bible class every day, choir, and optional 7am prayer meetings.) If you’ve ever seen the fantastic dark-comedy Saved, then you have seen my life. It’s like a hidden camera reality show based on my high school, only with better hair.
Growing up, the message I received was that the absolute worst thing you could do was to have sex outside of marriage. It was worse than getting drunk. Hell, it was worse than DRIVING drunk. Sex, actual intercourse, was totally forbidden. All the other bases were either totally verbotten or pretty damn bad. Oral sex. Very Very Bad. Groping of all kinds. Bad. Making out in your boyfriend’s car. Not great. Kissing. Tolerated –but not on school grounds, of course, or you would be given a two day suspension. Holding hands? Well, okay, but only holding hands; certainly not putting your arms around someone’s shoulder. Anything and everything you might do with someone of the opposite sex was cloaked in shame. Tickling? Shoulder rubs? Boy-girl stunts in cheerleading? It was all highly suspicious. (Do I even have to mention that doing anything with someone of the same sex was completely off the charts? You might as well pick up a ‘go directly to hell’ card.)
We had sex education, once, in fifth grade. It was mostly to make sure everyone was in the know about getting your period. I suppose the boys had a similar filmstrip about unwelcomed erections, but I’m not sure. It was the 80’s and AIDS education was huge, so even in Christian school you got a little mention of condoms. You never actually saw one, no one ever demonstrated how to use one on a banana for instance, and they were definitely NOT distributed in health class. The main idea was, “Abstinence is the Answer”, and everyone from teachers to pastors to parents was 100% on-message. And the teens, well, everyone had to sign on. (Or at least pretend to.)
Over and over again the messages we received were distilled in our hormone-soaked brains down to this one echoing refrain:
“Sex is a terrible, awful, shameful thing you save for the one you love.”
I recall one youth group session in which a cartoon was placed on the overhead projector. It showed a pit dug into the ground with a ladder in it. Each rung of the ladder had a physical act on it. The top rung was holding hands, the next one down was kissing, then making out, petting…you get the idea. The last rung, in the bottom of the pit? Yep. Sex. This kind of illustration was pretty common, and usually came along with a sermon about how “your body is a temple” – followed by a round of fast food and artificially sweetened cola. One of my favorite variations of this youth-group sex scenario was told to me a few years ago by a fellow seminarian. He told me, in all seriousness, that he was teaching his youth group that “Sex is like a wild, vicious, hungry lion, and you DO NOT want to go putting your head anywhere near that lion’s mouth.” (How he got away with using “sex” and “head” in the same sentence in a room full of teenage boys without the place exploding into laughter is beyond me.)
I know that the intentions of my teachers, youth group leaders, pastors and parents were good. I know they were trying to protect us from getting in too deep, too fast. I know they wanted to save us from harm, hurt, and, I suppose, hell. But the reality is, all they did for me was create a space in which to grow shame, guilt and dysfunction. And oh, how it grew! Here’s a short list of the messages I carried away from my abstinence experience:
-Every physical impulse you have towards a boy is wrong–probably even sinful.
-All the natural, normal parts of growing up and falling in love –physicality of any kind—are wrong and unnatural.
-If my body want this, then my body is bad. (This combined with the typical magazine spreads with size 0 models and pimple-free skin, and you can see what that did for a teenage girl’s body image.)
-If you don’t plan for sex, it’s not as bad of a sin. (Therefore, don’t own birth control or condoms.)
In spite of this, there were boys who got lucky and girls who went all the way. There were girls swept off to the Crisis Pregnancy Centers and expelled from school—or worse yet, allowed to stay but banned from all extracurricular activities–like going to the basketball games or walking down the aisle at graduation. (The boys on the other hand, never seemed to get into much trouble. I don’t recall any of them getting kicked out or shamed out of leaving.) And if anyone ever had an abortion, well, they kept it as a dark secret, and went through the experience without any help or counseling.
Because of my experience in abstinence programs– and because of the way my experience was echoed again and again in the shameful tears full-grown women brought to me during my tenure as a pastor –I am not raising my children under the banner of abstinence. Being physical and having sex are natural normal parts of growing up. We are physically and chemically programmed for it. We are culturally conditioned for it. It is a part of our healthy emotional development. I want my children to grow up in an atmosphere that acknowledges this reality—one that is shame free, where their bodies are seen as being ‘fearfully and wonderfully made,” and where their hearts can be trusted to lead them in the right direction. My intention, my deep hope, is to raise them in such a way that they will carry with them these messages:
-Your body is amazing. You can trust it to tell you what you are physically ready to do.
-Your heart is your guide –you can trust the wisdom of your own intuition in making choices.
-Sex is something you move into one step at a time. Each step is good. Each step is appropriate. You– and only you–get to choose when you are ready for that step.
-As a romantic relationship grows deeper emotionally, it’s natural for it to grow deeper physically.
-Planning for sex and being prepared to protect yourself and your partner is smart, responsible, and essential.
-You have the right to say NO. And conversely, you have the right to say YES.
Rather than telling my kids “Sex is a terrible, awful, shameful thing you save for the one you love.” I want the messages I give them to be able to be boiled down to this:
“You are capable of building a relational history you can look back on without regret.”
A friend of mine bequeathed that turn of phrase to me. We were drinking margaritas and talking about sex. (What else do you talk about after you’ve had a couple of margaritas?) She was telling me about her major high school boyfriend, and being in love, and what her parents and his parents thought about them having sex (or not). She said, “I never wanted to have sex in the car. I always wanted to build a sexual history I could look back on without regret, and I didn’t think I could do that if I had sex in the back of his Camero.” That’s pretty self aware, don’t you think? Pretty well-reasoned for a seventeen year old. Build a history you can look back on without regret – or at least, with as little regret as possible. I think, all told, that’s the best we can do. That’s what we humans can hope for: safety, respect, and a collection of memories held without shame.
So when it comes to sex and all its accoutrements here’s my parenting pledge:
-I promise to make talking about sex as natural and open as possible. (We’ve already got quite a track record.)
-I promise to help you access birth control and protection. (Yes, even for the masculine kids in the family.)
-I promise to help you assess what your heart and body is ready for, if you want to talk to me about it.
-I promise to give you accurate information about your body and its needs, to the best of my ability.
-I promise not to shame you for wanting physical contact with someone you care about.
-I promise to do whatever I can to make sex a wonderful, beautiful, joyful thing you give to the one(s) you love.
What will you teach your kids about sex? Any conversational tricks to share? Stories that worked out well? Do tell…
Rachelle Mee-Chapman is a 30-something minister, mother and artist. She is currently living with her husband and 2 school-aged girls in Copenhagen, Denmark; while her teenage boy adopted-by-affection forges his own path back home in Seattle, WA. This piece is available for publication. Contact: moi @ magpie-girl dot com.
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Tags: abstinence, big love, children, kids, priestessy thoughts, saved, sexuality, teens, what i think about
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April 24th, 2008 at 8:33 am
first off - my god, what a wonderful piece of writing. simple, clear, brave and complicated
2nd - I think you are writing about relating & being human/divine & trust & growing. sex is a way of playing that out - like breathing is a way tracking & playing out what being alive is
and finally - the current use of Abstinence is fairly ironic. the word comes from an old English word that means “hold back”. the xian culture teaches “you are held back” - media teaches “go for it” - and parents abdicate their role in talking & teaching about holding & being held
thnx rachelle - great, great, great stuff here. your kids are lucky, paul is lucky, other “pastors” are lucky
April 24th, 2008 at 8:51 am
One of the more outstanding posts I have read in a long time. What a completely sensible approach, as opposed to the senseless way in which we were raised about this issue. Yes, it sounds like my upbringing was quite similar to yours. I’m also a fomer pastor too. Anyway, I applaud your clear thinking on this.
April 24th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Bravo, Rachelle! What an honest, clear-headed, compassionate, and realistic approach to a topic usually fraught with fear and devoid of joy. I don’t have children, but I am part of a big ‘village’ of wonderful kids. I hope that when the other children in my family or my friends’ children look for someone who will give them an honest and responsible, joyful and affirming message about sex and their bodies, that they’ll come to me because I offer this very perspective. Thank you!
April 24th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Wow, this is very insightful. First I will say that I totally agree that the “Church” and parents and role models in general have done a bad job or teaching children about sex. It’s an uncomfortable topic because I believe it is a private issue, but the media makes it so incredibly public. As a person who grew up in church, I can say that I too experienced some of the same messages about sex in and of itself being bad (which is not at all what the bible teaches). Although I don’t agree with all that you have said, I certainly can concede the point that we have to do a better job of teaching kids about their bodies because if we don’t, the media will!
tiffabee.wordpress.com
April 24th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I agree that this is great writing! This is fabulous!!! As I’m reading though, I’m thinking … what? Can she do that? Can she really do that?
This whole topic has been plaguing me. I don’t know how or what to think and I feel like time is running out!!! It’s just so hard for me to think outside the box on this topic. I feel like I’m in the box, pushing on the sides, yelling to be let out, but no one is helping me and the sides are stuck. You’ve helped me unstick a side.
My 9 year old daughter is very interested in the boys in her class. My husband and I like talking with her about it. I think kids sexuality grows as they get older and by not talking about her interest in boys, or by saying .. ‘don’t even think about dating until you’re 21′. Focus on your studies and sports and being a kid’ shuts down all exploration and maturing into a healthy sexual being. Most of our friends think we’re irresponsible parents on this front. Oh to have it all figured out!
Do you think that people who a have colorful sexual history, who were raised with the “sex is a beautiful part of maturing and make unregretable sexual choices” really don’t have regrets and shame. I honestly have been so programed to think that everyone and anyone who’s had multiple partners must live with shame and regret. Do you really think that’s not true? I’ve honestly (and ashamedly) totally bought into that line of retoric, until you presented this option. And now I’m wondering … hmmmm …
Thanks Rachelle! I love it when you make me think.
April 24th, 2008 at 11:50 am
There are parts of this post that seem reasonable to me, but at the same time I have to wonder what this means about Christianity’s relationship to culture. Is it a transforming influence, or should it adapt the spirit of the message to suit the times? I struggle to understand what is the core, what is essential, what is best. I can see that your position is that the affects of attempting to teach abstinence have been counter to the spirit of Christ, leading to exclusion, punishments meted out unfairly, fear, and confusion. But is this a problem with the message or the method? Is the current culture’s practice of temporary and conditional commitment in relationships an improvement or a degradation (or neither?) I assume these are things that you have considered, but I’d interested to hear your thoughts on this.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
i’m interested to see how this plays out.
i was a very promiscuous teen. i wasn’t taught much of anything about sex. my exploits aren’t guilt free, but i can say i am more ashamed of the relationships where I acted awfully than i am of all the sex.
still, i think our culture might counteract your message. it might spread the shame you’re hoping to prevent. other girls are vicious and very threatened by the confident and sexually aware.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I know this story, and lived it. Should I have children I will be taking the postive, nurturing approach that you are speaking of here. I don’t believe growing up to believe it’s all shame and sin (and that only women face the consequences) is a good idea.
Seems like there’s room for a lot more joy in becoming an adult than guilt. Seems like to me that the freedom to build relationships the way you feel is right (the choice to say Yes or No, the space to choose your partner and set your pace) is the more healthy choice.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
still thinking about this –what about other people’s children? like your own affection adopted teen? is that a role you are comfortable in? that is appropriate? what about the censoring of you by other parents? this post sparks lots of questions. great job.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Rachelle, I’ve been a reader for a while, live in Portland-but always wanted to come up and visit when you were in Seattle, and am fairly shy. I can’t not say anything about this post of yours. It’s stunning. Being ineloquent, I can only echo the compliments that others have commented.
Bob Carlton, great comment! I wish I would have been the one to say it.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Wow, what a fantastically written post! Like all good writing, it’s raised lots of questions for me and I look forward to reading more (your writing style is so easy to slip into :)
April 25th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Rachelle,
We had part of this conversation in Sacramento and I’ve had time to cogitate a while. Linking back to one of your previous posts about your cycle buddy, I think one gift you might consider giving your precious children is the knowledge of our peaks of physical/sexual/connectual interest related to female cycles. A relational and sexual history without regret in light of crazy pulls of hormones is a fabulous goal. After the birth of our son we have been using Fertility Awareness Method (includes condoms or other methods) for birth control and find it quite eye-opening. As your kids grow, the concepts taught in this method could be such a gift you give them. I find it normalizes our cycles, demystifies some aspects of female physicality, and promotes communication between partners. I can’t help but think it would have made my 20’s so much less confusing.
Secondly, similar to your conversations with the girls about marketing, I would love them to see how much our society glosses up sex. All people who have had sex know that it’s not how it’s presented on set (childbirth too, ironically). How can a modern young lady have appropriate expectations when even Shark Tale struts a sexy Anglelina Jolie fish across our eyes? Somehow painting the picture of intimacy, going after something you desire, and the freedom to give yourself to another in trust is a much truer beauty in sexuality than being a certain pants size, flat tummy and all. Sex is more earthy than glossy.
Just some thoughts. How these will translate in our family…still wondering myself. Why just yesterday my son said to me, “Mommy, sometimes when I lay down in my bed at night, I stick my hand down my underwear and pull on my penis.” He just wanted me to know.
April 25th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Thank you for writing this post. I know if I were to write something like that it would take much bravery. I grew up conservative Christian and received many of the same messages and followed them all religiously for a long time. When I met, fell in love, got engaged to my soon to be husband, I realized I did not believe the message of abstinence. At least definately not in a situation where our commitment is made and in our hearts for God to see, and we await only a paper signed for legality. It didn’t make any sense to me, on so many levels to withold physical affection when the other aspects of our union were growing so deep. We tried hard to make our actions fit these beliefs we did not hold, but in the end decided that it was a better form of worship to live honestly how we believed, open to God’s teaching there.
After growing up with so much doctrine, when I learn, I don’t want to learn from a list, from someone telling me “because I say God says so”, I want to learn from living! from what is inside me and how that fits into life and my relationship with God. In my past, church seemed to have the function of instilling fear of ourselves and the messiness of a life lived fully. I am discovering that God is in the mess, and it is a form of owning our humanness and trusting God to love us even in it. I am in the process of accepting myself where I am, unorthodox, skeptical and mostly self-centric and accepting that God loves me thus, and is more patient than I am to teach me Love. The most difficult thing is to be this honest in the face of well-meaning church people’s judgement, my own family included. Your blog often encourages me when I am fearful. Thanks Rachelle.
on a side note for the questions posed by Monica, my significant other has had several partners before me. I was shocked to discover this did not bother me like it was “supposed” to according to my upbringing. The trust we share is enough to take care of the issue.
A friend of mine has shared some issues with shame regarding how he used sex selfishly in past relationships. He was not taught about the value of sex and that love is an important ingredient. Over time with experience he figured this out and now of his own volition follows a belief in the sacredness of sex and the need for love and commitment to bind two people together first.
April 25th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I saw a comment of yours on another blog — I think it was Real Live Preacher –where you spoke about depression in connection with your years as a traditional pastor. Have you written anything about that elsewhere? I would be interested in reading about your experiences.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Rachelle, thanks for leaving this link on my blog. I was planning a catch-up on my reading tonight and you beat me to it.
I’m convinced reading this that the ‘conservative evangelical church’ must be the Catholic church (my alma pater) in disguise!
It’s heartbreaking that religions can move so far away from the joy and spirituality which gave them birth.
I love, love, love what you say about the way in which you are bringing up your children, and your parental pledge.
And until I read this, I’d never quite put together what you say about “saving this dreadful, awful thing for the one you love”. Sheesh, what would you save for the one you hate, I wonder.
April 25th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Rachelle -
We clearly received nearly identical sexual educations (although I went to a public school, so at least we learned about condoms.) People meant well, (well, some people did. There were people in my life who didn’t.) but wow-everyone was trapped in a huge shame/guilt spiral. (And that’s the straight people. If you were gay, the shame factor was exponentially worse.) It takes a long time to work through all of that.
Should I ever have kids, I would want to make the same promises to them that you have to yours.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
gobsmackingly great gift of writing you display here Rachelle
with echoes of similar stories in my past, it made me laugh, got my attention and challenged me to think beyond the square
April 27th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Excellent, and much needed post.
I have just one thing to add ….
My message about sex was much like yours, growing up in the Catholic Church in the 1950’s. I think the emphasis on celibacy (and the “badness” of sex) was mostly for the girls. The nuns told us not to wear patent leather shoes because of the “occasion for sin” that it could present to the boys (reflecting up your skirt)!
Anyway, I was fully radicalized by the late 60’s and remember feeling wonderfully free when I lost my virginity (before marriage). A lot of the good feeling of the sex was shaking off all that nonsense!
What I want to add - and what I tried to teach my son - is the SACREDNESS of our bodies and the act of sex.
Sexual powerful. It reaches deep into our psyches and unconsciouses in ways that we have no control over. Just look at how screwed up children get when they are exposed to unwanted sex. Just look at how screwed up women can get when they use their bodies to feel loved.
I think that in addiction to teaching safe sex, we have to teach the sacredness of sex. Sex is a very powerful gift that can deeply and spiritually enrich a committed relationship. When used carelessly (or even liberally) it can be disaster.
April 27th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I wrote that comment above rather hastily, and I find that I still have more to say…
I think that this business of celibacy and sex is also a Feminist issue. And it may sound old-fashioned, but I think that women are not adequately aware of the power and miracle and mystery that they hold in their bodies. The message that we get when we are girls is very, very confusing.
Our bodies bring forth life, continue the species. Somewhere, at a deep, deep level, we all know the power and mystery of sex and the female body. It’s not just a matter of building “relationships”.
If I had a daughter, I would want her to know how beautiful she was, and how she possessed in her body something incredibly sacred and noble. I would want her to honor that.
No, I would not teach her celibacy. But I would want her, first of all, to know that her sexuality was intimately connected to her soul, and that she should be aware that sexually relating with someone else has to do with God-relating and prayer.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
beth - how beautiful! what a welcome addition to rachelle’s well-written thoughts. perfect.
April 29th, 2008 at 5:13 am
Beth, indeed! Kudos for going deep!
There is such great stuff in here folks. Obviously, this has struck a cord amgonst those in the faith community (or once of the faith community) and others. Let’s keep the discussion going!
I’m working on a post now in response to some common themes I see emerging in these comments, and another related to the Miley Cyrus ’scandal’ that’s going on. Hopefully both will be up in the next 2 days. I hope you will all return to continue contributing to the topic. Your input is so valuable.
If you want to get v. brief announcements about when posts are up on this site, you can follow me on Twitter. It’s free. Here’s the link: http://twitter.com/magpiegirl
April 29th, 2008 at 5:30 am
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May 1st, 2008 at 7:34 am
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May 6th, 2008 at 6:05 am
i think there is some terrible problem with the method of abstinence education that twists and distorts one’s view of sex. i truly believe that abstinence can be taught in a postive and empowering way. i would rather not call it abstinence (focusing on holding back…like forbidden fruit?) but would rather re-name the way i teach my daughter about sex…maybe something like “looking forward to” (not the word/s i want…any ideas?), but you get my drift. i want to show my daughter that sex is beautiful, fulfilling, FUN, and really giving of your whole self to another person. talk about being vulnerable with someone on every level!
i am one of those people who don’t regret NOT having sex with her high school sweetheart. it was an intense, spiritual relationship…yet looking back on it i am so greatful that my parents really helped me see the value in waiting to have sex…not because it was BAD, but because it can be so GOOD in a committed marriage relationship. i am so happy that the only memory of sex i have is with my husband. i am so happy that i can be completely vulnerable with my husband in sex and feel free…i can’t imagine sex being that way when I was 18 years old and still wondering what and who i was.
thanks for the post. we need to be talking about sex more! especially with our kids.
May 8th, 2008 at 5:49 am
Last summer I was sitting on the deck with my neighbor. She was talking about her friend’s 17 year old daughter who had just found out she was pregnant. My neighbor said…”and it was just such a shock! She was always such a good girl…good grades..never rebellious.” My immediate reaction…and I feel this so strongly….”MB…don’t you think the problem is that you’re looking at this as a moral decision and not an emotional/intellectual/physical one?”
If my Mom had been brave enough to talk to me about sex in that way…to explain that my body would be demanding sexual “healing” for a few days every month…the cycles of sexuality….rather than her beliefs concerning the morality of premarital sex…I might not have been so promiscuous in my teens and twenties…
May 11th, 2008 at 7:09 am
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June 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
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