the jen’s (lemen and payne) and i

When I graduated from my semi-conservative Christian college, a lot of people, including myself, followed up the graduation kegger with a wedding chaser. During this heady time, I would go to weddings full of optimism and cheerful resolve. (And to pick up tips for my own upcoming nuptials.) Surely, I thought as hopeful heady vows were exchanged, these people would be together FOREVER. In my naiveté I thought all you had to do was put your will into it and everything would work out all right. I never considered that as all we young one’s grew up, we might also grow apart. It never occurred to me that just a year or two into these marriages men might decide to stray, women might give up, things might become insurmountable. No, these pessimistic thoughts were not to be had by this bride-to-be. I was caught up in the hoopla and the fairy tale, hook line and sinker.

Back then almost everyone I knew who got married at 21 was divorced by 25. I remember one after-graduation wedding where the length of time it took the bride to hand-emboss 200 wedding invitation was longer than the entire duration of her marriage. Another post-college bride was heard to say three years after her marriage, ‘Even when I was walking down the aisle I knew it was a mistake.’ And my ex-boyfriend who so jubilantly said of his bride “The minute I said, “I do” I knew we’d be together forever”? Sadly, he was divorced by the time I finished graduate school.

Weddings can be scary things. We make very big promises – like promising to be together throughout eternity. Or promising to always keep our spouse before all others. (This particular promise usually goes out the door the minute a baby arrives and lands firmly in the catbird’s seat.) In my humble and oft-changing opinion, vows are a very serious thing and couples often take them far too lightly. This is not because we do not promise enough, but because often we promise too much – far more than anyone could reasonably be expected to deliver.

When Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt got married I remember reading in some magazine that they promised to stay together “as long as we are able to to” (or something along those lines), and she promised to “always make him banana milkshakes.” At the time I thought these were ridiculously shallow vows, capable of only holding meaning in some place like Hollywood. But now I wonder if there isn’t a wee bit of wisdom in making our wedding vows a little less romantic (in the broad sense of the term) and a little more practical. I don’t mean to say that wedding vows should be written so as to make marriages disposable. But I do think they could stand a little scrutiny and just a little more reality.

This weekend I was Jen’s date at the wedding of her dear friend Josué and her new friend Nicole. Although I only know these two in the most cursory of ways, it doesn’t take long for anyone to see this is the kind of couple that walks around with a general sheen of romance. They beam, they glow, they are ridiculously good looking – but the wonder of it all is that they do all these things while being clear-eyed and honest. From what I’ve heard, Josué and Nicole dated a good long while and took things one measured step at time. When they wrote their vows they were intentionally aware of what they were saying. Both were attentive to whether or not they were starting out with promises that would ensure each person equality in their relationship — which was both refreshing and wise. Together they wrote vows that were hopeful, meaningful, and romantic. But their vows were also realistic, recognizing the challenges which somewhere along the line were bound to rock their blissful matrimonial boat. My favorite bit? When they promised to be with each other in “success and in failure.” That’s the kind of promise that is both clear eyed and hopeful, that’s something someone could believe in.

It made me feel better, and more hopeful, to witness a wedding where romance and practicality could meet. So thanks Josué and Nicole, for reminding that yes, even in this day and age people do get married, and yes, it is just possible that it could last forever.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 11th, 2007 at 3:10 pm and is filed under Magpie Girl, Rachelle Mee-Chapman, This I Believe, Urban Abbess.
Tags: jen lemen, vows, weddings



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