March Habitude: Some Thoughts About Bodies
Take a look at this picture. Okay, ignored the permmed mullet for a minute and notice the size 5 body. This is me at about thirteen. I thought I was fat.
For as long as I can remember my body has been my enemy. It was what got me molested. (I can remember trying to wear shirts that buttoned to the neck to that the person who molested me wouldn’t be tempted by my developing breasts.) It was what made me attractive (or not) to boys. (I started dieting when I was 13 because I thought I should stay a size 3. Tiffany Frank figured out how many sit ups we’d have to do to burn off one of the chocolate caramel bars we were selling as a school fundraisers, and we’d eat them at break then all do sit ups in the empty classrooms.) It was what made me a hip, powerful woman — or not. (Hip, powerful girls played sports – girly old fashioned girls sucked at sports and were doomed to a life involving home ec.) I shoved it into pencil thin jeans, laying on the bed to zip them up; filled it with chocolate chip cookie dough binges when I was sad; and forced it to keep achieving and achieving by fueling it with diet coke through riduclous extracurricular activities and late night study sessions.
As I grew older, I became more sophisticated about how I talked about body image, and diet, and the insipid consumer culture that said happiness was a size 0 and plus size was a size 9. Still, my body was foreign to me – at best silent, and at worst a conspirator for my own unhappiness.
When my first child was stillborn, and my second delivery required an unplanned c-section and resulted in a child who lost weight and wouldn’t nurse, I became convinced – my body was out to get me. The separation between mind/spirit and body that had started as a necessity to survive the abuse had morphed into a permanent division that ruled a very large part of my world. The diagnosis of migraines as a chronic condition just confirmed my early assessment. The evidence was undeniable, my body was conspiring against me.
I am rarely happy with my body and I am appalled at how much time and creative mental energy I spend on this issue. Food is always on my mind. My weight is a near constant disappointment. I feel guilty all the time. I never go through a single day where I don’t feel bad about something I’ve eaten, some exercise I’ve not done or not done enough of, some item of clothing that I can’t wear. For instance, every day on my way to work I walk by this adorable boutique and think, “I can’t wear a single item in there.” They stop at size 9. It’s not a shop for petites or anything, it’s just a regular Seattle boutique. (I’m a size 12.) Or here’s another, today I lifted weights and walked on the treadmill, but I’m going about my day with this thought hovering over my head like a cartoon dialogue balloon: “Maybe I should have done yoga instead.” It’s mentally exhausting and embarrassingly ridiculous.
Last week, in yet another show about dieting, I heard Oprah say that she had wasted a large part of her 30’s worrying about food and weight. I’m thirty-seven. Only three years to go before I am undoubtedly, irrevocably ‘grown up.’ Will I still be carrying the neuroses of a thirteen year old? Will I still automatically convert calories into sit ups? Will I still waste precious minutes feeling guilty? Will my body remain my enemy?
I am so tired of being stuck in Jr. High.
A year or two after I was diagnosed with chronic daily migraines (status migranosis) a new friend, Christine Painter, recommended that I read Voice Lessons by Nancy Mairs and What Her Body Thought from Susan Griffith. Mairs taught me that I do not have a body. She writes, “I have a body. I am a body.” Griffith reminded me that “My story is immersed in my body.” (p. 7) This is not a gnostic exercise I cannot separate my “self” from my physical being. I am my body. If I hate my body, I hate myself. If I love my body, I love myself.
I am nearly 40 years old and I still do not understand this. “I am a body”. It’s is a thought that echoes with truth and memory. It shimmers like a mirage just out of reach. I’d like to get there. I’d like to understand. I’d like to bring my body back to myself. I’d like to be my body, and to love my bodyself as I love my motherself and my creativeself and my womanself.
That’s the habitude for the month, I think. Love your body. How shall we proceed?
Update: to find out how this experiement went, follow along by reading posts about body love in the Habitudes category!
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March 7th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Love Mairs and I saw the Oprah show. I wrote a piece sparked by Mairs years ago. I’d love to share it with you if you have time. It’s odd, childbirth changed my perception of my body. I’m kinder to it. Perhaps soon I’ll start to inhabit it wholely, to let it be me.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Ugh, this really got me where I live. Not sure I have a thoughtful response formulated yet, but wanted to let you know that Loving the Body sounds like an excellent habitude.
Actually, I had a friend who got a lot healthier, weight wise, after she started doing this little mantra with everything she ate “Everything I eat turns to health in beauty.” kind of with the idea that if we say when we eat “AHH! this is so bad for me!” it turns it out that it is…
Looking forward to other ideas.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
No, it doesn’t just automatically change when you turn 40 or 50…and I don’t really know how to proceed either but let’s do it!! Let’s learn to love ourselves and if we truly love ourselves we will be kind to our bodies, feed them well, exercise them so they stay strong and last long, not stand in front of the mirror and harass them with ugly words but tell our bodies how strong and beautiful they are. Who knows someday we might even believe it.
March 8th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I just came back from working out with my trainer and read this – I was beating myself up for only working out 30 minutes instead of an hour, and your writing silenced the inner critic. I am more convinced that I am out to get my body than vice versa.
Sometimes I forget my body is amazing!
The scar on my knee reminds me of falling off my bike and my dad buying me an ice cream cone to heal my wound. My “buddha belly” reminds me of my pain:not being able to bear children, of being raped, of a botched abortion as a teen. My hands remind me: of those I help with massage, of waking up last night and my hubby was still holding my hand in his sleep 4 hours later, of giving my dad Communion on his deathbed, of playing “say say o playmate” and just living. I used to be paralyzed in my left hand and arm, but no more. I healed. My body knows how to heal ~ even if it takes a little longer for my head or my heart.
I can focus so much on my “faults” or the areas that “need much more work”, but sometimes I forget that my eyes are beautiful, I have a very identifiable cackle, or I have my mother’s nose.
My body is my history ~ she’s the only one that has been with me through EVERYTHING!
March 9th, 2007 at 6:46 am
my word for this year is ‘centered’ – this is my hope for the year. to be able to live inside my body and skin and be okay with it.
this was a very moving post rach. i know that my eating disorder stems from the fear of being thin. every time i have been thin i have made bad, damaging sexual choices (or been victimized). fat for me is protection, protection from damage, protection from making “sinful” choices, protection from being sexual.
i think it is the curse of the “touched” – those of us who have been used as play things by other people. i don’t know many ‘untouched’ – so maybe it’s just the curse of being female, but i don’t think so – i see many who are so comfortable in their own skin – and i am jealous. especially when they aren’t model perfect. i think “who taught you to be so comfortable, where was that class and how did i miss out on it?”
i don’t know if i’ll be any better at this habitude than i was at last months, but i’m in. i want to be comfortable in my own skin, and able to live out into the world without the fear of being hurt or damaged.
thanks for this post, it means a lot to me.
March 9th, 2007 at 8:22 am
Wow! Thank you everyone for your heartfelt and thoughtful comments. Obviously, this is a deep felt need/hunger/hope for many of us.
Becky, I’d love to read your Mairs piece. And Kitty, I encourage you to write more on this topic. Your passion and pain are rich and would bring help and healing to many of us. Let me know if you’d like to guest post.
Bobbie, as always thanks for sharing your journey with bravery and honesty. I often lurk over at your place and am amazed at your frankness and wisdom.
Jen B., I think mantras should be one of our practices this month. I’ll post on it soon.
Aola, thanks for stumbling along together on this journey!
Yours,
Rachelle
March 11th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Oh Rachelle, thanks much for these thoughts. I’ve sensed more than once many commonalities between your journey and mine. I’ve found more! I love how you express your desire to love your bodyself as you do your other selves, great concepts for me! Having had several intractable migraines, and now having an at home-health order for DHE by I.V. pump, I completely “get” the notion of the migraine just out of reach. I ate for comfort, I still do, which is why I’m severely obese…but now to turn the “what” that I eat so it is TRULY comforting for both body and soul. That’s the challenge! I just had the image that we’re all on a multi-seated cycle, all peddaling together, for fun, for health, for energy, for fellowship! The journey’s more important than the destination, and the necessity of working together will help us get where-ever our roads lead. Okay, any artists to bring that image to life? I can see it in my mind’s eye, but haven’t a clue where/how to form it… Again, Rachelle, many thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts. You’re inspiring dear one!!! –K
March 12th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Karla,
I love the bicycle image. I like the idea of us all moving along together.
Cheers!
Rachelle
March 13th, 2007 at 7:08 am
I am doing a series of posts called Love Your Body Mondays
I already linked to you ;) Thanks for your thoughtful honesty about this constant issue for all women and being part of the intention to change.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:17 pm
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